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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have a second child after eight years? (Secondary infertility)

90 replies

Ocean456 · 10/05/2021 09:29

Looking for opinions please on what you would do in our situation...
We started trying when DC was 4, now 7 1/2 so the shortest age gap we will have is eight years....

We desperately want another but will they be close? DC said the other day 'I want someone the same age as me to play with, not a baby...'

We are planning to do IVF next month and I'm scared...

OP posts:
littleredberries · 10/05/2021 10:23

I personally wouldn't. At eight years I would rather consider fostering or adoption.
I have a six and eight year gap with my younger siblings and we were never close, and haven't grown close in adulthood either.

Jannetra17 · 10/05/2021 11:27

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Bin85 · 10/05/2021 12:35

Yes
I was 9 when a new baby came along. I loved it and did lots for them.

Tangledtresses · 10/05/2021 12:47

My sons have an 8 year gap
And it's not been a problem at all! They are now 16 and 7 and play together all the time.
The teenage years weren't a picnic!
But he was off out doing things and didn't need my full attention like the younger one. I thought it was a good balance.
When I've been ill he comes home and cooks for his brother or has helped him with homework etc

Goodtohear · 10/05/2021 12:59

@Hankunamatata

I think you have to accept that it will be a bit like having two only children. They wont have anything in common or play together but they will be siblings
^This is the situation my sibling has. My own situation was I needed fertility treatment to concieve after my first I had many rounds of treatment which ended in a pregnancy with a 4years 10 month age gap. They are closer at times than others depending on life stages but I think this gap will close in late teens /early adulthood. They bond over TV shows /cycling and ps4. They really do love each other. They have enough of a gap there hasn't been much jealousy. When I started trying for baby number 2 I gave myself a cut off a maximum of 5 rounds of treatment - it was my last attempt when I got pregnant. I don't think you should worry about age gap more about considering the effects of fertility treatment on you and your family and what is worth going through to get baby number 2. We all have our limits. Good luck.
MoreAloneTime · 10/05/2021 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steff13 · 10/05/2021 13:23

My boys are 22 and 19, and my daughter is 10. They're close. They don't play together, but they love her and look out for her. For her, it may seem like she has three parents in the house rather than just one. They're both a bit of "mother hen" when it comes to her. She's their PFB, but she's my third child, so I'm much more laid back about things than they are.

MoreAloneTime · 10/05/2021 13:32

Wrong thread but I've reported my post

CecilyP · 10/05/2021 13:46

We desperately want another but will they be close? DC said the other day 'I want someone the same age as me to play with, not a baby...'

Unless you’re a twin, a sibling is not going to fulfil that role; that’s what friends are for. If you want another child, you should go for it. I know quite a few families with similar gaps where the older child/children have been very enthusiastic about the baby when it’s. Obviously they are not going to play the same things at the same time. It is also a long term relationship and they will be adults together. DS’s partner has a lovely relationship with her 7 years younger sister.

Ponoka7 · 10/05/2021 13:51

I had a ten year age gap because of secondary infertility. Then I had another. My eldest loved her little sisters. My eldest took them and their friends to their first festival, concerts and trips to Paris and Amsterdam. They are still close now, at 25 and 35, my eldest's partner is like a big brother to them.
I know loads of close age siblings who aren't as close, or even speak, you've just got to look at the threads around Christmas time.

Original poster
Ocean456 · 10/05/2021 15:38

Thank you all, I really appreciate all your opinions, I am an only child (due to fertility reasons also) so I have no idea what it is like to have a sibling, it's comforting to hear overall positive experiences of a big age gap...think we have to go for IVF because we desperately want to try an add to our family x

OP posts:
Moneypenny007 · 10/05/2021 15:50

We have 8 between ds1 and ds2 and they get on great. Ds1 adores his brother. We didn't have issues conceiving it was due to our age etc having ds1 and trying to get into a better position financially before ttc again.
Currently experiencing difficulties getting pregnant again. Ds2 is 5yrs now. I had pnd and my dh had back surgery so there was no "right" time.
Don't worry about the gap if u really want another. We are in complete shock at our difficulties this time and that's taking some processing.

MishMashMummy · 10/05/2021 16:07

They are unlikely to be close as children because they will always be at different stages, but that doesn’t mean they won’t have a healthy and loving relationship. It just won’t be one which involves being playmates.

snapple21 · 10/05/2021 16:16

You've got to look at it as life long too. My husband and his brother are best friends now and there's a ten year gap, 28 and 38.
I'm due my next baby tomorrow and have a 7 year gap. It's just how it's worked out. My son is so excited and wants to be involved and I'm sure his life will be more enriched rather than me just not bothering cause of a gap.

sunnyzweibrucken · 10/05/2021 16:21

I don't think you should make a decision based on a child's view/opinion. He won't be raising the child. If you want another then who cares about the age gap. ANd there's NEVER a guarantee that close in age siblings will get along - as a matter of fact I know many siblings with small age gaps that can't stand each other.

My sister and I are 7 years apart and we are close. I played with her even when i was 12/13 yrs old. But I had my own friends and so did she. Personalities will more likely dictate if they will get along or not, not necessarily age.

WildGeese · 10/05/2021 16:25

There is a 10 year age gap between my mum and her sister. Obviously they didn’t spend a lot of time together growing up, but they have always been really close as adults. They speak every week and my aunt and her family used to come and stay with us every summer.

There is a 2.5 year age gap between me and my brother. We fought all the time as children, and although we like each other well enough now, we’re in touch probably 5 times a year, via text.

Stinkywizzleteets · 10/05/2021 16:27

There’s almost 8 years between my two. It’s a great age gap. They love each other but rarely fight like closer age siblings do. They still play together so my eldest retains a piece of childhood but can be as grown up as she wants too. It wasn’t easy as parents going back to the baby stage after so long but that was probably because of a different personality and being quite a bit older. There was guilt at first at how my eldest would cope having to share us but she loves being a big sister.

Hadjab · 10/05/2021 17:16

My kids are 29, 20 and 14, they actually couldn’t be closer - obviously this isn’t guaranteed, but there’s also no guarantee that they won’t be.

iolaus · 10/05/2021 17:29

I have to say my 10 and 19 year old are probably the closest out of the four of mine (others are 17 and 20)

They have a different relationship compared to the one she has with her siblings of the same age - but they've always adored each other - and she spoils him rotten

iolaus · 10/05/2021 17:31

BTW it also meant the older ones had an 'excuse' to play with toys a lot longer - despite the fact that the little one had wandered off and the 13 year old was quite happily playing with the train set - but he wouldn't have got it out except for his younger brother wanted him to play trains

Matilda15 · 10/05/2021 17:47

I have a 10 year age gap. My DS absolutely adores his little sister and is so chuffed to be a big brother at last.

There’s 10 years between my brother and I and I’m more like an auntie to him than a big sister really I used to take him out and spoil him loads once I had a full time job.

I would say 100% go for it.

Cindy87 · 10/05/2021 17:50

Absolutely

museumum · 10/05/2021 17:52

If you want another child then have one.

For me as a 7yr old when my db was born I wasn’t really into babies and mostly ignored him till he was at least 3 or 4. Then he became annoying. We were never at the same school and I went off to university when he was ten and never really moved home again so we have very little relationship. Although we get on fine. If I’d lived at home in my 20s it might be very different.

Anyway, have a child if you want one but don’t necessarily expect your Dd to have a lot of time for a baby (though she might!)

TheVanguardSix · 10/05/2021 18:00

I have an 8 year gap between DCs 1 and 2. DC1 is 19, DC2 is 11. They have an amazing relationship. Just brilliant! We've had our ups and downs in the family the past few years: my brother's terminal cancer (he recently died), my cardiac arrest/heart attack, and DH's covid which saw him on a ventilator in ICU. DC1 absolutely took over and was a total rock and light for DC2 (and 3). DC2 totally relies on DC1. He's just a real source of security, love, fun. It's been nothing but perfect from the birth of DC2 to now... really just a dream of a relationship. I went onto have DC3 when DC2 had just turned 4. Needless to say, it's not the same! LOADS of clashes and conflicts between DCs 2 and 3 (DC1, again, is a total rock for both of his siblings... steady, steady, super loving and peaceful). Never knock a big age gap! Grin
I was watching season 3 of Shtisel. You should watch that show OP. There was an absolutely beautiful scene where a father-to-be talks about being afraid. It made me really cry because as parents, we are afraid, all the time... afraid of not getting pregnant, afraid of the pregnancy going awry, afraid of the birth being difficult, afraid of being lousy parents or not loving our children enough, afraid of them crossing the road, afraid of them not being happy with our choices that we make on their behalf... just afraid. It's part of loving our children. We fear getting it wrong because we want everything to be so right for them.
Best of luck to you OP. I genuinely wish all of the love and luck in the world. Flowers

Linning · 10/05/2021 18:11

I have a 1 year and half, 6 years, 12 years and 24 years gap with all of my siblings, all younger than me.

DB 1 and I are NOT close at all, we were very close as tiny kid and then distanced as DB2 came about and then completely hated each other as we entered our teens and are completely no contact nowadays.

I was 6 when DB2 came about and I have very sweet memories of him as a baby, and he is a lot like me in terms of personality and so while we didn’t spend that much time playing and interacting we are actually quite close and now we are both adult, still love each other to bits and I do try to maintain a close relationship with him and have stuff we do together.

I was 12 when DB3 was born, and I have lots of memories with him as a little kid but I moved out at 16 so when he was only 4 and I have been living abroad ever since. He is 14 now almost and so as a results I unfortunately don’t really have day to day memories with him as a kid but we are so incredibly close. I come back regularly enough to my home country so we can spend time together or I fly him out where I am and when we spend time together I really make sure to make the most of him and spoil him a bit as a result.

I was 24 when my Dsis was born and it’s a bit strange because I live abroad and so only met her when she was 1, she is a very cute toddler but since I have a distanced relationship with my mom I don’t really dare to get too close to the little one. It’s also strange to project myself into having a sibling relationship with someone who could be my daughter and will be 25 when I am 50. She for now is cute and while I don’t think we will be close and it’s a bit late to have the sister relationship I wanted growing up, I am still curious as to what relationship we will have if any.

Ultimately as an adult I am the closet to my siblings with whom I have a 6 and 12 years gap and absolutely cannot stand the sibling I only have a year difference with, so age gap means very little. It’s likely that your kids won’t play much together as kids BUT they might have an incredible bond come adulthood. I wouldn’t want my siblings to be any other age gap (bare my sister as I do think I won’t enjoy seeing my sister being a young version of me and the definition of “youth” as I turn grey myself! Grin ) we ultimately have the special relationship we have because of the age gap we have.