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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you have a second child after eight years? (Secondary infertility)

90 replies

Ocean456 · 10/05/2021 09:29

Looking for opinions please on what you would do in our situation...
We started trying when DC was 4, now 7 1/2 so the shortest age gap we will have is eight years....

We desperately want another but will they be close? DC said the other day 'I want someone the same age as me to play with, not a baby...'

We are planning to do IVF next month and I'm scared...

OP posts:

IhateBoswell · 10/05/2021 18:13

I have a 10 year gap between my two.

BakewellGin1 · 10/05/2021 18:18

10 years between my two... Oldest absolutely adores his younger brother and the feeling is mutual. Youngest toddles about after him...

Yes days out for both are limited so we do
Individual Trips and Trips with Both

I didn't have two so they could play together I had two because I wanted another baby

Ginger1982 · 10/05/2021 18:21

We've been trying for a second since DS was 17 months. He was born via IVF and all our subsequent attempts have been through IVF. He's just turned 4 and I'm embracing not having another as a 5 year age gap wouldn't be what I wanted (wanted 2 close in age) and would really impact all the things we want to do as a family now he's at an interesting and interested age (ie travel).

Personally, I think 8 years is too big a gap if you want them to be close as young kids.

Amammai · 10/05/2021 18:25

Close in age doesn’t necessarily mean a close bond as they get older- it all depends on the individuals. I am 36 now and am close to my brother who is 8 years older. I have friends who are only 18months age difference with siblings and they don’t get along at all. Nothing is certain. If you would like another child - go for it. There will always be pros and cons of any age gap.

Kayjay2018 · 10/05/2021 18:27

@Ocean456 I've got a 16 year age gap between my two and in most aspects that's been good, it does however mean my husband and I next to no time alone together. Early morning baby is awake and teenage is asleep and once the baby is in bed the teenager is awake (later than us).

minipie · 10/05/2021 18:32

From the families I’ve seen OP I honestly think a 7-10 year age gap can be better than a 4-6 year age gap.

I’m sure this is not always the case but 4-6 years seems a big enough gap that they don’t play together but too small a gap for the big one to find the little one cute. Whereas 7-9 years the older one may enjoy having a baby/toddler sibling (bit like a pet ) and is more independent themselves so doesn’t mind stuff being done for the little one so much.

Mooloolabababy · 10/05/2021 19:00

I have 8 years between my 2. Didn't plan for second dc. I wasn't really sure I could fall pregnant again after 2 miscarriages so he was a happy surprise. It is like having 2 only children. I wouldn't change it for the world though.

mrsbitaly · 10/05/2021 19:17

Yes I did. I wish I had them closer in age don't get me wrong but my 9 year old absolutely adores her 16 month old sister.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 10/05/2021 19:39

Yes do it. I have two kids 6.5 years apart. Different sexes. They play together on holidays etc and love each other very much. They have different friends but I know siblings closer in age who have separate friends. DH and I also like having more than one group of parent friends.

You’ll have people saying they need to be closer together because that’s what’s worked for them but every family is different. Plus they won’t be tiny forever, by the time they hit their 20s the gap will be smaller relatively e.g 20 and 28 or 31 and 39 or 37 and 45 don’t sound as large a gap as 0 and 8.

I’m actually liking having a chance to do the little kid stuff with the youngest whilst the eldest is more independent. I feel like I got a chance to enjoy them both separately.

You’ll be tired to begin with a wonder why you started again as you will forget how hard tiny ones are but it gets easier.

People always go on about age gaps as though the kids are going to be tiny forever or that kids close in age are always BFFs for life. It doesn’t work like that, they become close if their personalities fit not just because they are in a joining year groups at school. DB1 (16 months younger) and I are NC whilst DB 2 (5.5 years younger) are close.

loriat · 10/05/2021 19:39

I am very close to my sister who is 10 years older than me. Obviously we weren't as close when we were younger but the deepened as we got older. I loved being a young auntie too.

gingganggooleywotsit · 10/05/2021 20:09

I got pregnant when my dd was 8. They are 5 and 14 now. It’s a tricky gap to work with and I wouldn’t describe them as ‘close’ but they love each other. I hope the gap will lessen when they are adults.

Tinty · 10/05/2021 20:22

I have 8 years between Ds and Dd and they get on like a house on fire (also compete with each other as if they were a year apart).

Ds is 24 and Dd 16. Ds taught Dd to play video games with him when she was 5 and he was 13 😁. He takes her out in her school holidays and he even took her away for a weekend to a comicon convention with his (wonderful, very understanding girlfriend), two years ago.

MrsMattMurdock · 10/05/2021 20:32

Mine are 7 years apart, 10 and 3. ( miscarriages) They're hilarious, they play together a lot at home and on days out. Oldest loves "teaching" the youngest and youngest worships oldest. With everything child related, you roll the dice. It will change as the oldest becomes a teen I guess but we'll adapt.

Sowhatywhaty · 10/05/2021 21:21

My 2 have an 8 1/2 almost 9 year gap. Now 13 & 4 , there are pros & cons but they love each other, argue, play & chill together occasionally. Dd was initially very underwhelmed with her little brother but finds him hilarious now. He takes up a lot of time that I miss having with her so I make sure we have time without him.. It is nice to have a small child around to off balance the teenage moods. Also I suspect he is very confident speaking to older kids due to regular face times with teenage girls

I would t change a thing ! It's the hand life dealt & I'm grateful and happy with the family I have. Good luck 😉

SwordPlay · 10/05/2021 21:44

My two boys are 7.5 years apart (DS1 is 8 and DS2 is 15 months). They play together daily and the bond that is already tangible between them is just so beautiful to watch. I feel so blessed and wouldn't have it any other way xx

ForeverAintEnough12 · 10/05/2021 21:48

@Hankunamatata

I think you have to accept that it will be a bit like having two only children. They wont have anything in common or play together but they will be siblings

@Ocean456 I don’t think this is true. I am 9 years older than my youngest brother and 8 years older than my second youngest brother and we are best friends. We go on holidays together, meet up with them and their girlfriends for dinner with myself & DH and generally think they are great! They’ve both lived with me on and off when I’m between jobs/uni. Obviously when they were babies and I was 8/9 I wasn’t exactly hanging out with them but we’ve been v close as far back as I can remember. I wouldn’t let the age gap stop you trying.

RebeccaCloud9 · 10/05/2021 21:51

I teach year 3. There are 2 children in my class expecting a sibling imminently and they are beyond excited. Another has recently had a new sibling. She is besotted and so proud of him. She helps her mum out, and reads to her brother. It is a different relationship to those similar in age, but equally wonderful and special.

TeeniefaeTroon · 10/05/2021 22:17

Mine are 11 years apart, it can be like having two only children but they do get on well. The older one mothers her little brother. I've no regrets at all.
Some people have assumed that, due to the gap, that they have different fathers though.

TeeniefaeTroon · 10/05/2021 22:24

Oh and the added bonus, I've been Santa for 20 Christmases 😁

user64325 · 10/05/2021 22:33

Well they might not be a playmate right now, but they will still have a relationship, family bond, learn empathy etc and as adults the years apart don't really make much difference to how well siblings get on. I have a sibling that is 15 months older and one that is 15 years older and I get on with both equally. Yes our relationships were different during childhood, but not as adults and my children are actually closest in age with my older siblings.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/05/2021 22:36

If you want a baby I'd keep trying. Any gap can work or not work....

MySocalledLoaf · 10/05/2021 22:40

The closest brothers I know are three with seven years between each (so 14 years between the eldest and youngest ).

Rejoiningperson · 10/05/2021 22:42

I have two with a 9 year age gap. They adore each other!

NameChange74567 · 10/05/2021 22:46

My DM is one of six, she is the middle child. She is closest to her youngest sister who is 8 years younger than her. They're best friends, and have been for as long as I can remember. Good luck with IVF.

Maverick66 · 10/05/2021 23:08

We had 7years between our second child and our third.

They are 29 and 22 now🙈

They got on great all their lives and have a fantastic relationship now.

He followed her about and she enjoyed his company.

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