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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have told DS the truth?

81 replies

Mrspiggy456 · 09/05/2021 18:51

My DS are 18, 20 and 22. They were 1,3 and 5 when I left their father. I was always honest and told them that the reason their father and I divorced was because I left him after falling in love with somebody else. I have never said this was right, but I have always been honest about it.
What I never told my DS is that the reason that I wasn't happy with their father is because he was violent towards me. I knew that they had been too young to remember anything and I have made sure that none of my family members have told them anything. I felt that whatever had happened between myself and my ex as a married couple, didn't need to affect their relationship as father and sons.
He was never violent towards the children.
So now the ex has a new girlfriend (he has been married and divorced again after me) and it seems that history is repeating itself. She took it upon herself to send me photos after a violent fight with him, and she also sent them to my oldest son. My oldest son told his younger brothers about these photos. The ex's GF told me that she was going to police, pressing charges and that she would be telling them he had a past and that I'd had a restraining order against him at one point. My fear was that the boys would find out about the past by the authorities turning up on my doorstep, so I told them what had happened between me and their father.
I feel terrible. I feel that I have tainted their relationship with him. The ex has told me that I've made him look bad and that the boys didn't need to know, and that I was just waiting until the best time to turn them against him. My oldest will no longer speak to him. I never wanted them to know about this and I am fuming because I feel that she left me no choice.
Did I do the right thing or should I have kept it to myself?

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 09/05/2021 18:55

Blaming her seems a little harsh? She's the victim here (as were you). Blame your ex for being a bastard. He's reaped what he's sown with your sons not wanting to know him, so don't worry about that. It's good that she is pursuing legal options - maybe he won't get to abuse someone else.

BrumBoo · 09/05/2021 18:55

You protected them for as long as possible, but if he's a violent man then it was going to come out eventually. They're adults who can make up their own mind about him, you and anything they want to. Quite honestly, it's good they realise the severity of the issue and the awfulness that is having a violent man as their father.

TwoAndAnOnion · 09/05/2021 18:55

You haven't told any untruths.

If she goes to the police and if he is prosecuted, it would be in the papers anyway. The previous restraining order will be on file.

He's blaming you for his actions. And as we know, ultimately actions have consequences. I wouldn't let his words get to me.

cupsofcoffee · 09/05/2021 18:56

You did the right thing - your boys are adults and deserve to know the truth.

I'm so sorry for what you went through

Plumplumbadum · 09/05/2021 18:57

Look, they are adults and old enough to know the truth. Your ex is angry because they've found out who he really is, and that's down to him.
Don't take on any guilt from him. He is perpetrating violence against women and does not deserve to be protected.

BrumBoo · 09/05/2021 18:57

And it's not her fault. I hope she gets it to go to court, sounds like it's been a long time coming. Should she blame you for not warning her? For not making everyone aware for years that he had the possibility of being violent towards the next woman to come his way? Of course not, the blame is solely on him for being a woman beater in the first place.

Peace43 · 09/05/2021 18:57

HE hit you. Him him him him. You are not to blame for his behaviour anymore than his new girlfriend is.

BabbleBee · 09/05/2021 18:59

You didn’t make him look bad, he’s done that all by himself! This is not your fault. Blame lays solely with your ex.

MrsTWH · 09/05/2021 18:59

The only person who has made your ex look bad is himself, by beating up women.
I think you’ve been admirable in your aim not to influence your children against him but equally, they are adults and deserve to know the truth now. You’ve done nothing wrong, stop protecting your piece of shit ex.

SunshineCake · 09/05/2021 18:59

He has made himself look bad because he is bad.

Explain everything fairly and I'd also be thinking about words with the ex as she has overstepped. What the hell does she think she was doing sending photos to your child?

Fixitup2 · 09/05/2021 18:59

Their father has made himself look bad by being a violent shit. End of. You have been more than amazing at allowing that to be between you and him to allow your children the relationship they’ve had, they’re adults now, it was out of your hands for them to find out and they’re capable of making their own minds up. The only victims here are you and his recent ex, the children too for finding this out but in no way is it your fault, it’s all on him.

Holly60 · 09/05/2021 19:00

Ultimately it is the fault of your ex, and if he felt that one day he would feel shame because his sons would think badly of him for being violent to their mother and other women, that should probably have been incentive enough for him to get help and deal with whatever demons he was facing. That he didn’t is all on him.

Moomum123 · 09/05/2021 19:00

You have been an amazing mum, you took yourself out of an abusive relationship and kept them and you safe. You then were dignified and helped maintain their relationship with their dad. It’s not your fault that all these years later their father has abused another woman, or that she is deciding to press charges, or that she sent your eldest son a photo to prove it. This is all on your ex-husband, not you. Your boys are old enough to understand the truth, and better they hear it from you than a stranger. I can understand why you’re angry because this wasn’t your choice, but you have done the best you can.

Moondust001 · 09/05/2021 19:01

You cannot protect children for every. They have a right to know who their father really is. What they do with that information is their decision. The only person in the wrong here is the one who commits acts of violence.

Kolo · 09/05/2021 19:01

The ex has told me that I've made him look bad

You haven't made him look bad, he's done that by being violent and abusing his partners.

I realise you and your boys will be in some turmoil now, but the new GF is a victim of domestic abuse and she's done nothing wrong. Don't blame her.

Also, don't blame yourself. The only person to blame in this is your ex, and your kids are rightly angry at him. He should have been the one to disclose what ended your relationship.

BoyTree · 09/05/2021 19:02

I think they deserve to know and now is a good time for them to make adult decisions about how they want to manage their relationships with him. He's the one who is in the wrong, so don't make it about who told who instead of focusing on your boys.

I feel terrible. I feel that I have tainted their relationship with him. The ex has told me that I've made him look bad and that the boys didn't need to know, and that I was just waiting until the best time to turn them against him.

He's tainted his relationship by being a violent prick. He's made himself look bad because he is bad. And why do you care whether he thinks you did it deliberately? He's an abusive dick who doesn't deserve to have people keeping his awful secrets for him.

RandomMess · 09/05/2021 19:03

Eh your ex was violent towards you, that is on him always has been always will be.

He's still violent, that is also on him.

It's the perpetrators fault!

user1927462849194729 · 09/05/2021 19:03

What I never told my DS is that the reason that I wasn't happy with their father is because he was violent towards me

That's the part you should have told them all along so that they would understand and stand half a chance of protecting themselves from abuse.

The only person you help by keeping an abusive parent's secrets is the abuser. Not only covering for him but doing so by positioning yourself as the bad person in that scenario was really foolish.

SaturdayRocks · 09/05/2021 19:03

It was always going to come out eventually - it’s quite incredible that it’s taken this long, but luckily it has, as they’re adults now.

None of this is your fault, or his current girlfriend’s fault.

What did the stupid man think was going to happen, as he kept throwing punches at women?? I mean...

Puntastic · 09/05/2021 19:03

Not her fault, not your fault.

And we'll done for raising boys who are appalled by the thought of domestic violence and will stand up to an abuser.

Puntastic · 09/05/2021 19:04

*well

ImInStealthMode · 09/05/2021 19:05

Absolutely you've done the right thing telling them the truth, and at a time they're old enough to fully understand it.

Your ex can fuck right off saying 'you've made him look bad' - if HE wasn't a violent piece of shit he wouldn't be in this situation. He doesn't deserve the respect of his sons or anyone else.

Due to personal experience I'm very much against keeping secrets within a family. Until they're old enough to understand is one thing, but forever is unfair. I've learnt some truths as an adult that I've been extremely angry and upset to have had kept from me. In a similar respect as your situation important people in my left were made out to be something that they weren't. If I'd known earlier I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with them.

Big hugs to you and your sons. You'll come through this situation together

Blacktothepink · 09/05/2021 19:05

He deserves everything he gets! I hope he goes to prison.

Cornettoninja · 09/05/2021 19:05

All your ex had to do was not beat anyone up if he didn’t want his children to know and clearly he couldn’t manage that.

Don’t feel bad this isn’t your guilt to carry. There’s only so much you can protect your children from the truth of who someone is.

Divebar2021 · 09/05/2021 19:06

Why does he think that people should keep his dirty secrets so he doesn’t look bad? Why does he deserve that consideration?

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