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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I have told DS the truth?

81 replies

Mrspiggy456 · 09/05/2021 18:51

My DS are 18, 20 and 22. They were 1,3 and 5 when I left their father. I was always honest and told them that the reason their father and I divorced was because I left him after falling in love with somebody else. I have never said this was right, but I have always been honest about it.
What I never told my DS is that the reason that I wasn't happy with their father is because he was violent towards me. I knew that they had been too young to remember anything and I have made sure that none of my family members have told them anything. I felt that whatever had happened between myself and my ex as a married couple, didn't need to affect their relationship as father and sons.
He was never violent towards the children.
So now the ex has a new girlfriend (he has been married and divorced again after me) and it seems that history is repeating itself. She took it upon herself to send me photos after a violent fight with him, and she also sent them to my oldest son. My oldest son told his younger brothers about these photos. The ex's GF told me that she was going to police, pressing charges and that she would be telling them he had a past and that I'd had a restraining order against him at one point. My fear was that the boys would find out about the past by the authorities turning up on my doorstep, so I told them what had happened between me and their father.
I feel terrible. I feel that I have tainted their relationship with him. The ex has told me that I've made him look bad and that the boys didn't need to know, and that I was just waiting until the best time to turn them against him. My oldest will no longer speak to him. I never wanted them to know about this and I am fuming because I feel that she left me no choice.
Did I do the right thing or should I have kept it to myself?

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 09/05/2021 20:39

@hamstersarse Completely understand your thoughts, but from the perspective of someone who had family secrets hidden from her until the age of 35 (when involved parties had passed away), you run the risk that it will come out eventually and they'll be very upset that they weren't told earlier.

I still hold resentment that I never had the opportunity to make my own judgement about my relative, and sadness that my relationship with that person was ultimately a lie. They didn't deserve my love or my grief for them.

Obviously all families are different, but it's worth some thought about the potential fallout down the line, especially if history repeats, as in the OP's case x

gurglebelly · 09/05/2021 20:40

The only person at fault is your ex, you protected them as children but now they are young adults - you could lie to them but they have already found out the truth about their violent twat of a father so you owe them the real story if they ask for it.

Mydogmylife · 09/05/2021 20:50

Well, as others say he's the one that spoiled the relationship not you or her. Perhaps she shouldn't have sent the photo directly to your son, but if he hadn't been a violent thug there wouldn't have been a photo to send

MzHz · 09/05/2021 20:56

I took the route of ‘appropriate truth’

There was no way I was going to allow my son to grow up thinking his dad was a good relationship role model or worse give my ex the chance to get in there and trash my name.

I also thought that if my ds found out I’d been less than honest with him at the wrong time, that I could lose his trust

I’m not judging you for doing it differently, everyone is different and all your ex had to do was not batter his girlfriends and your kids would never know.

Now they know who their dad is.

I think the girlfriend was way out of order dragging the dc in tho. That’s not her place.

Ignore the ex. Tell him to go fuck himself and enjoy sleeping in the bed he made himself

Don’t do anything to mitigate his demise, let him dig himself out

Revenge is best served cold after all.

bigbeatmanifesto · 09/05/2021 21:05

You kept them in the dark as children now they're adults they can form their own opinions, you did your best and never affected the opinion they had of him growing up which I'll say is a lot more than he deserved.
Dont blame yourself for them not wanting a relationship in future he should blame himself for abusing women for over 20 years.

toiletbrushholder · 09/05/2021 21:11

Yes they have a right to know the truth and also be protected from a violent and abusive man. I'll never understand the mentality that thinks a man who abuses women is still father material just because he dosen't hit the children too.

SaturdayRocks · 09/05/2021 21:18

I think the girlfriend was way out of order dragging the dc in tho. That’s not her place.

Agree with this. Good on her for speaking out, but unforgivable to drag your children into it.

Gymsmile21 · 09/05/2021 21:21

It’s all everyone’s fault except the ex husband. The violent, abusive, woman beating man, his the innocent one in all this Hmm

Turned your sons against him, he done that himself.

Gymsmile21 · 09/05/2021 21:22

The thing you are wrong about though is keeping it from your kids all this time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they felt like they have betrayed you now.

MySocalledLoaf · 09/05/2021 21:37

You gave him the chance of a clean slate with your children. If he had never been violent again, they would still never know. You were much more generous than you needed to be and it isn’t your or his new ex-girlfriend’s fault that he hasn’t managed to learn anything in 17 years.

BigDaddio · 09/05/2021 21:39

You waited 17 years and if he hadn't repeated his behavior this would never have come out.....you really had no choice !

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/05/2021 21:47

You should have told them earlier but I can understand why you didn't.

NoDramaMama14 · 09/05/2021 21:55

The hottest part of hell should be reserved for abusers of any kind. He lost all loyalty the minute he raised a hand to harm someone else. Your son is right to not speak to him. There is no excuse for intimate partner violence. Its scummy.

Bettysnow · 09/05/2021 22:02

This is no ones fault except his! He created this and he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Maybe losing the respect of his children will make him think twice before he lifts his hand to anyone else.

gannett · 09/05/2021 22:09

Just want to reiterate - WELL DONE for raising sons who know violence and abuse is wrong.

That says the most about how well you've parented them.

As for the rest - not telling them when they were kids, telling them now - you did the best you could with a hand you shouldn't have been dealt. It's all understandable.

Same goes for the new GF. Whether she should or shouldn't have told your sons isn't the point really - she shouldn't have been in that situation to start with. He shouldn't have hit her, and he shouldn't have hit you.

Howzaboutye · 09/05/2021 22:17

You seem to be taking a huge amount of blame onto yourself for HIS actions. HE was violent, you don't need any 'excuse' to walk away, you just go. And if you found a lovely new bloke at the same time then well done you.

The truth would out eventually, and at least it's unambiguous as to his true nature, a nasty violent man.

Do not take on any responsibility for what he did. You've done more than most, by hiding the truth from your children.

westcoast · 09/05/2021 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 09/05/2021 22:25

Best they find out now rather than when he's convicted in court Flowers.

Not your fault at all... just more abuse by your ex to make you question yourself again.

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2021 22:27

Omg, she was so, so wrong to contact your dc! I know she’s a victim, but what a dick move.

Anothernameanothertime · 09/05/2021 22:32

You gave him plenty of time to turn his life around. He didn’t. He was and still is violent. It is only his fault.

katy1213 · 09/05/2021 22:33

He's tainted his own relationship with them. Why do you want to protect him?

spongedog · 09/05/2021 22:39

Can I be blunt?

You probably should have told your DC a long time ago. My ex wasnt physically abusive but severely controlling. We divorced nearly 10 years ago, and our Dc have only found out in the last year why. As the Dc asked questions. I wont lie to them.

I am sorry that you (and she) have gone through this. But please shine the light on this behaviour.

Eachpeachpears · 09/05/2021 22:39

Under the circumstances, they were going to find out eventually and it's better having come from you and not read about in the papers or from the girlfriend first.

You've done well to have protected them from this so far, for the sake of relations with their father, but they're old enough now to make informed decisions. Any consequences are the fault of your exh.

SarahBellam · 09/05/2021 22:44

It’s not your fault he looks bad. It’s not her fault he looks bad. It’s his fault he looks bad because he IS bad. We have got to stop protecting these men, covering up for them, hiding the truth from their own families, keeping burdensome secrets. In your case you even made yourself out to be the bad guy for having an affair in order to protect him and his reputation. That’s crazy. Just think, if his behaviour had been well known she might never have dated him and wouldn’t have to go through all this. He might have got the kick up the arse he needs a lot earlier. She must be terrified as you were. This would never have stayed a secret - this is her story and she has the absolute right to tell whomever she wants. We should not, ever, be protecting these men.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/05/2021 22:49

The blame for all of this is at the door of your ex, not at the door of the woman he beat and who was trying to protect herself. He made this happen.

I woukd say your dc need to know what their father has the capacity to do so they can make informed choices as they get older about allowing him contact with their future partners and children.