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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have told DS the truth?

81 replies

Mrspiggy456 · 09/05/2021 18:51

My DS are 18, 20 and 22. They were 1,3 and 5 when I left their father. I was always honest and told them that the reason their father and I divorced was because I left him after falling in love with somebody else. I have never said this was right, but I have always been honest about it.
What I never told my DS is that the reason that I wasn't happy with their father is because he was violent towards me. I knew that they had been too young to remember anything and I have made sure that none of my family members have told them anything. I felt that whatever had happened between myself and my ex as a married couple, didn't need to affect their relationship as father and sons.
He was never violent towards the children.
So now the ex has a new girlfriend (he has been married and divorced again after me) and it seems that history is repeating itself. She took it upon herself to send me photos after a violent fight with him, and she also sent them to my oldest son. My oldest son told his younger brothers about these photos. The ex's GF told me that she was going to police, pressing charges and that she would be telling them he had a past and that I'd had a restraining order against him at one point. My fear was that the boys would find out about the past by the authorities turning up on my doorstep, so I told them what had happened between me and their father.
I feel terrible. I feel that I have tainted their relationship with him. The ex has told me that I've made him look bad and that the boys didn't need to know, and that I was just waiting until the best time to turn them against him. My oldest will no longer speak to him. I never wanted them to know about this and I am fuming because I feel that she left me no choice.
Did I do the right thing or should I have kept it to myself?

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 09/05/2021 19:08

You have been a saint not to have told them before now. How dare he have a go at you for telling them the truth about him. It was his gf who sent the pictures to your son in the first place. Were you supposed to lie and say he'd never been abusive towards you once she'd told your son? This was bound to come out and, now that it has, your horrible ex needs to deal with his own crap. I would block him on all platforms. Your kids are old enough for you never to have to contact him again. And if the kids choose to cut contact with him then he only has himself to blame. He's been lucky to have had this long without them knowing.

Onesnowynight · 09/05/2021 19:12

The only person in the wrong here is HIM!
I’m sorry that both you and his gf have been subjected to this. Telling your sons is only being honest with them, and by your eldest ds now not speaking to his df tells you what sort of a ds you have brought up. One who knows that you don’t lay a finger on another person. You have nothing to blame yourself for in all of this.

ChateauMargaux · 09/05/2021 19:13

What they said... 100 times over.

You protected your children by leaving! Bloody well done!

Maybe you could help your kids find some counselling so they can understand their emotions around this or some family therapy.

Or just sit them down and explain why you left and why you did not want to tell them before. Allow them to speak their thoughts and ask questions, answer them to the best of your ability, you don't need to go into details. Give them a bug hug and tell them you are proud of them and love them and that they may have mixed feelings about this and those feelings might change and it is confusing and unpleasant but all of those feelings are normal and you will be there to listen.

hamstersarse · 09/05/2021 19:13

You’ve done the right thing

I have late teen ds’s and it bothers me all the time that I have also not been truthful about why we divorced and the dv

I just don’t have the heart to tell them, I know they would be gutted.

It’s not easy to hurt your children with truths such as this for so many reasons... they are 50% that parent, you want your children to have a good relationship with the other parent etc. It’s not about protecting the ex for me...it’s still about what seems best for the children.

I hope your children are ok. I don’t think you had a choice here, and think you’ve been really brave.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/05/2021 19:14

You did right to tell them, in the circumstances.

Please don't be angry at the GF - she is entitled to tell the truth about what has happened to her, and who your children's father really is.

funnylittlefloozie · 09/05/2021 19:16

@Cornettoninja

All your ex had to do was not beat anyone up if he didn’t want his children to know and clearly he couldn’t manage that.

Don’t feel bad this isn’t your guilt to carry. There’s only so much you can protect your children from the truth of who someone is.

This. Just this.

I also agree with the PP who said she hoped he goes to prison. He's an abusive arsehole, prison is too good for him.

2bazookas · 09/05/2021 19:21

Your ex makes himself look bad by hitting women.

His GF told his children. That's not your fault either.

Its best your DC know the truth; they will all have adult relationships in the future and knowing enough to recognise abuse for what it is, can only stand them in good stead.

AliceMcK · 09/05/2021 19:22

I think you have handled it perfectly. He was abusive to you but you choose to not taint your children’s relationship with him. That’s to be commended.

The gf shouldn’t have sent the pics to your son, I don’t agree with that but at the end of the day he’s 22 not a child and although I don’t agree with what she did she’s also a victim and she definitely has every right to tell the police about his past.

They are not children anymore, they can make their own minds up about him. If he dosnt like what they think of him he shouldn’t abuse women.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 09/05/2021 19:22

sounds reasonable to have been economical with the truth when they were small - but they are adults now, you don't need to treat them like babies.
If your ex was a reformed character and no violence to current partners, there'd be no need to drag up the past (but equally no need to keep up the rose tinted "mummy fell in love with someone else" lies).
He isn't a reformed character - he is violent and aggressive towards women - your sons deserve to know this, and appreciate that it is very wrong, and not an example to follow.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 09/05/2021 19:22

@BoyTree

I think they deserve to know and now is a good time for them to make adult decisions about how they want to manage their relationships with him. He's the one who is in the wrong, so don't make it about who told who instead of focusing on your boys.

I feel terrible. I feel that I have tainted their relationship with him. The ex has told me that I've made him look bad and that the boys didn't need to know, and that I was just waiting until the best time to turn them against him.

He's tainted his relationship by being a violent prick. He's made himself look bad because he is bad. And why do you care whether he thinks you did it deliberately? He's an abusive dick who doesn't deserve to have people keeping his awful secrets for him.

'They'd never have known had you kept your fists to yourself with your girlfriend, would they? Don't contact me again'.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/05/2021 19:23

You haven't tainted their relationship with him, he did that when he was violent towards you.

Happycat1212 · 09/05/2021 19:24

I don’t see why you think they shouldn’t know now that they are adults, however I disagree with a pp who said they should have always known, my ex was violent to me but my kids don’t know because they are children, why would you tell children that, adults yes but children don’t need to know that.!

Mumoblue · 09/05/2021 19:26

You’ve done nothing wrong. My father was also abusive and it came out in a similar manner after he began abusing his new girlfriend. Your ex’s feelings about this don’t matter- he has made his choices and he can’t expect you to lie for or about him.
It sounds like you’ve done the right thing by your children, so just support them through this difficult period and try not to engage with your scum bag ex. You didn’t make him look bad. His actions were bad.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2021 19:28

No criticism from me on how you handled things, but I personally never understand the whole "it's just between the married couple, shouldn't affect the kids" line of thought. He is a compulsively violent man, a bad person. An untarnished relationship with him is not a good thing for them, as sad as it is.

I think it's for the best that they know.

thenewduchessofhastings · 09/05/2021 19:35

Your children are adults and old enough to know their father is a violent woman abuser.

You owe this man nothing.He physically hurt you and has done it again to another woman.I'd put money on it that he assaulted wife number 2 as well.

Unfortunately you can't protect your adult children from the real truth of the person there father really is.

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow but sometimes you have to choke it down.

Original poster

Mrspiggy456 · 09/05/2021 19:38

Thanks for all the positive messages.
I was cross that she sent photos to my oldest son as he has Aspergers and gets very anxious and worries so much about everything (I appreciate that I didn't mention that in original post-sorry). However, someone mentioned that I shouldn't blame her, as she is a victim as well, and that is completely true. I was selfish to not think of it that way.
Because he was married after me, for about 10 years, and I never heard of any violence in that marriage, I naively assumed he'd changed his ways.

OP posts:

Lilymossflower · 09/05/2021 19:42

You did the right thing op

Original poster

Mrspiggy456 · 09/05/2021 19:42

I suppose I always felt guilty that I met someone else and then left him, rather than just walk out on my own. Not to sound like a sap and complete wet blanket but I always felt that I betrayed him so deserved to take any blame for the marriage breaking down.

17 years later though I certainly don't feel bad about it- just wish I'd had the confidence sooner!

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 09/05/2021 19:46

@user1927462849194729

What I never told my DS is that the reason that I wasn't happy with their father is because he was violent towards me

That's the part you should have told them all along so that they would understand and stand half a chance of protecting themselves from abuse.

The only person you help by keeping an abusive parent's secrets is the abuser. Not only covering for him but doing so by positioning yourself as the bad person in that scenario was really foolish.

Agree with this 100%. Even if you had just left it as 'fell out of love', that might have made more sense. But it's far better they know. No person is violent to intimate partners but otherwise a lovely person. His misogyny and other attitudes will absolutely have filtered through to them - and likely to you, to see yourself as so much to blame here. At least knowing this they're having some chance to re-examine what they've learned and thought and try for healthier adult relationships.

Nomorepies · 09/05/2021 19:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 09/05/2021 20:01

Your abusive ex is trying to continue the abuse by still creating this hold over you. Trying to blame you for the dreadful things he has done. He will never change. He should be thanking his lucky stars you didn't seek to get him imprisoned, not sure you further for keeping his despicable secret from your children. Adults will make their own minds up about people, if he didn't want people to think badly of him he shouldn't beat women. It's that simple. He can go to hell, quite frankly. I hope he does get jailed. One less women beater on the streets is no loss to anybody.

humblesims · 09/05/2021 20:13

I feel that I have tainted their relationship with him
You have done the complete opposite of that by facilitating a relationship with him (for them) for all these years in a selfless way which must have been so hard for you to do. He, and he alone, is responsible for the breakdown in their relationship now. You bear no blame in this at all.

Tal45 · 09/05/2021 20:15

You didn't taint their relationship with him, he did that all by himself. You have covered for him for years. The children are adults now, he hasn't changed, so the truth was bound to come out at some point.

MintyMabel · 09/05/2021 20:16

You kept the truth from them in order to protect them and allowed them (presumably) to have a relationship with their father, separate from his issues with you.

They are adults now and can make their decisions based on adult information.

My sister did the same with her son. He had already come to his own opinion of his father but during a heart to heart she told him the truth. He was glad she had kept if from him and allowed him to have his dad during childhood. He doesn’t see him much now.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 09/05/2021 20:18

It's all on him, if he didn't abuse women then this wouldn't happen.
The common denominator here is him so it's him that should be ashamed with himself instead of blaming everyone else.

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