To not say anything, pack our stuff and just go to my Mums

[BreadCrumbsAndSalad]

Because DH is being a total twat this evening.

He's been doing work on the house this weekend and is stressed with it but, as is usual for him, he takes that stress out on me.

Has a go at me for not helping enough (we have a very young baby) but then when I get baby to sleep and ask what I can do he yells at me because I 'wouldnt be able to do it anyway'. Slams doors, shouts about the house in general etc etc... I asked him nicely to calm down, he tells me to 'stop fucking telling him to calm down'.

AIBU to just quietly pack our stuff (me and baby) and just leave. I hate confrontation although I do tell him not to talk to me like that. He just gets so mad when he's stressed that you can't have a sensible conversation with him.

He's just nipped to the shop to get something he needs and I'm thinking of just not being here when he gets home.

[KatherineJaneway]

Sorry you are going through this

Has he anyways been like this or has he changed more recently?

[nancywhitehead]

Does he have any insight or awareness into his behaviour?

If you talk to him when he is calm, about how angry he gets and how much it scares/ upsets you and your child, how does he react?

If he has some awareness then there is hope as you can persuade him to get some help with anger management.

If he doesn't have awareness and just gets angry again when you raise it... I would seriously consider leaving him. It's not a healthy environment to raise a child.

[nancywhitehead]

@NewlyGranny

It's not "anger management" he needs! I wish people would grasp that people like this are managing their anger just fine, thank you, by venting at people who are closest to them and can't get away easily.

The thorny issue they need to grapple with is their sense of entitlement to vent. I'm 100% certain OP has encountered some extremely stressful moments during pregnancy, labour, delivery and the post-partum period, especially as she seems to be doing practically everything without support from her partner.

How often has she screamed, ranted, slammed doors, thumped about the place and set up impossible "Heads I win, tails you lose," challenges for her partner, I wonder? And how would he have taken it if she had?!

Nope. Not anger management, not psychotherapy either, but ideally abuser counselling to make him face his behaviour and stop trying to give responsibility to OP and make her carry it for him.

How much do you know about psychotherapy/ counselling/ anger management (which is a form of the above)?

Because what you describe is basically what it would do. There is no such thing as "abuser counselling".

[NewlyGranny]

An abuser programme is what I was hinting at. Regular therapy can give an abuser validation and ammunition to turn against their victim

As s PP suggests, Lundy Bancroft is OP's new best friend in this situation. Why Does He Do That? is a life-changing eye-opener, and his take on anger "management" therapy is sobering. Lots of things that work for non-abusive folk are not recommended for abusers.

[springblossom2]

@Countrygirl2021

What are you on? Have you read the post?

[BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush]

It won’t get better. He’ll get worse as he gets older and everything will be your fault. Just leave now.

[Twoforthree]

Did he try to get in touch?

[lunar1]

You made the right decision to go to your mums.

[diddl]

Glad you've gone away Op.

As long as he realises that you can't just pop off all the time & the problem lies with him & if he doesn't sort himself out then he needs to be gone for good.

[HappydaysArehere]

Yes go but of course leave a note. It is easier when you go back and you don’t want to be accused of intentionally causing even more upset. Just be calm and say he obviously needed space.

[KihoBebiluPute]

@NewlyGranny
$64k question: does he kick off like this at work? Is he constantly getting warnings for abusive language and slamming around the place? Does he behave this way at his parents' house? In restaurants? At his mates' homes? If the answer to all these is no, he is clearly in control of his behaviour and deliberately choosing to subject you to the worst of himself. You need to consider what that means about how he sees you and why he gives himself permission to let rip with the two people he's supposed to love and cherish above all others.

This is the wisest piece of advice I have ever seen. I am glad you are at your mum's now OP. Great decision.

[ChristmasFluff]

The OP did not cause any upset. This is an abusive man, and it pisses me off that people are defending him and not seeing this. He's doing that normal abuser thing, and has ramped up when OP is vulnerable, having not long given birth.

I'm glad she's gone, I hope she NEVER goes back to that bastarding piece of shit. Leaving a note or not wouldn't matter - when she goes back, she'll either be blamed or be faced with tears - whichever he thinks will work best on her (both if he initially chooses the wrong one).

There's no point talking to him and explaining how his actions hurt her - this is not a communication issue, it's an abuse issue. He KNOWS his anger hurts her - that's why he does it. He KNOWS she hates conflict, that's why he does it.

There is no fixing him, there is no fixing this relationship, there's no fixing his contempt for her. There is only saving herself and her child.

[Homehaircuts]

You did the best thing going to your mum's he needs to know you won't be treated like that.

[GreyStairs]

Well done for going to your mums. I think if you’ve got to the stage where you are considering it then it was the right option to do itz

[musingloud]

He's a dick. He's using you to relieve his emotional outburst as he is incapable of regulating his emotions.

I would say though that telling an angry person to calm down is like flying a red rag in front of a bull. I prefer to say, ' its not acceptable to speak to me like that'. Its clear about what needs to change and keeps the focus on me, where it should be, rather than their feelings..

[peridito]

I've only skim read the thread so apologies if already discussed - but have OP and H previously discussed this stress related behaviour and how he needs to control it ?

If not they both need to .In a calm fashion .Not one person opting out to teach him a lesson .

[NeedNewKnees]

How are you feeling today, @BreadCrumbsAndSalad?

[feelingfree17]

This man (child) just has to know and understand now that you will not tolerate this behaviour. It sounds like his anger is totally disproportionate and this is bullying and controlling.

[nancywhitehead]

@NewlyGranny

An abuser programme is what I was hinting at. Regular therapy can give an abuser validation and ammunition to turn against their victim

As s PP suggests, Lundy Bancroft is OP's new best friend in this situation. Why Does He Do That? is a life-changing eye-opener, and his take on anger "management" therapy is sobering. Lots of things that work for non-abusive folk are not recommended for abusers.

Again... there's not really any such thing. You've just read a book, written by someone who honestly does not really know what he's talking about.

This "abuser programme" is not an evidence based therapeutic practice, and Lundy Bancroft has no formal training in psychology or psychiatry and yet he dismisses all evidence-based therapies.

He cites no studies demonstrating that his methods work, and actually admits in the book you mention that the majority of his attempts to change clients in his program fail.

[Miasicarisatia]

He was really quite shocked and just didn't know what to do. I won't claim he was cured overnight, but the combination of my having developed the confidence to push back and him knowing that really had quite a major effect
Can it be concluded that he was well aware he was treating you badly but he indulged himself because you have no defence?
He just unloaded on you when he felt like it purely because he could?

[Zzelda]

@Miasicarisatia

He was really quite shocked and just didn't know what to do. I won't claim he was cured overnight, but the combination of my having developed the confidence to push back and him knowing that really had quite a major effect
Can it be concluded that he was well aware he was treating you badly but he indulged himself because you have no defence?
He just unloaded on you when he felt like it purely because he could?

Up to a point. He was unloading on me because I was there; it wasn't that I had no defence, but that I wasn't using it because I didn't want to get into major arguments, especially in front of the children. Once he realised that I saw through him and that I wouldn't accept it, things changed - to the point that he can even laugh about it now if I take the piss.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Just had a read through all your posts again @BreadCrumbsAndSalad, because I thought I might have misinterpreted the timeline of your husband's abusive behaviour. As many others have said, it's a known thing for abusive men to mask their abusiveness until they have their victim trapped by pregnancy/children - and you have a 4-months old. So, you said -

"He is like this when he's stressed. Which isn't often but it is every time he's stressed whether that's with something in life in general or work etc etc..."

Did his 'being stressed' happen prior to pregnancy/birth? And if it did, has the frequency increased since then?

It would be worth you going back through your memories to his previous outbursts, and fixing in your mind when they happened.

[MerryDecembermas]

You are being abused. No one in their right minds thinks it's ok to regularly shout and stomp around like that. Much less with a tiny baby in the house. You are minimising his behaviour because you think he's the version of himself you met and fell in love with. But this is his true self. Be very careful

[NewlyGranny]

nancywhitehead

"You've just read a book," yes, and one that opened my eyes and changed two lives.

You know nothing of my lived experience as a DA/DV survivor. I could tell my story, but this thread is not mine and it's not about me.

My DH enrolled on a abuser programme, council subsidised. You know, one of those programmes you claim "don't exist". It was real enough for him to drive a two-hour round trip for a two hour session every week for over a year. It was real enough to engage him - and occasionally enrage him - and make him take a good, long, hard look at himself, his beliefs and his behaviour over many years. It was real enough to work.

He would never have done any of the work had I not read Bancroft, understood at last what was going on and given him an ultimatum to change or be divorced.

You and Bancroft are both right to say that most of these programmes fail with most abusers. That's because abusive people derive huge benefits from their abuse and find it enormously difficult to change the attitudes and habits of a lifetime. Think of gambling, alcoholism, substance abuse etc. Most attempts fail but we don't stop the programmes designed to help on that account. When it works it changes lives.

Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers; I don't presume to know your experience, but if you know of some approach that is proven to work better, for goodness' sake share it with OP instead of telling me I've "just read a book ."

Why do you imagine I picked it up? Entertainment?!

[Miasicarisatia]

and make him take a good, long, hard look at himself, his beliefs and his behaviour over many years. It was real enough to work
it's good to hear about people who were able to change, thanks for sharing NewlyGranny🙏