To not say anything, pack our stuff and just go to my Mums

[BreadCrumbsAndSalad]

Because DH is being a total twat this evening.

He's been doing work on the house this weekend and is stressed with it but, as is usual for him, he takes that stress out on me.

Has a go at me for not helping enough (we have a very young baby) but then when I get baby to sleep and ask what I can do he yells at me because I 'wouldnt be able to do it anyway'. Slams doors, shouts about the house in general etc etc... I asked him nicely to calm down, he tells me to 'stop fucking telling him to calm down'.

AIBU to just quietly pack our stuff (me and baby) and just leave. I hate confrontation although I do tell him not to talk to me like that. He just gets so mad when he's stressed that you can't have a sensible conversation with him.

He's just nipped to the shop to get something he needs and I'm thinking of just not being here when he gets home.

[NewlyGranny]

As and when you talk to him, OP, think hard first about what you want to say. Ideally use all "I" statements, not "You" ones, so you're telling him how you feel when he slams about and shouts; how you expect to be spoken to and treated; what you need in a relationship and what you will and will not accept.

That way, he isn't likely to get so defensive. If he tries to dictate how you ought to feel or tries to tell you you're just hormonal, or oversensitive, or ridiculous, you just repeat this is how you feel, this is what you need, this is what you expect, this what you will and won't accept. He needs to listen.

He may bluster and minimise and even try to gaslight you into a different version of events, but you just need to know where you stand.

You say he's mostly lovely, but that isn't enough. If someone gave you a tube of Smarties and told you 1 in 10 was poisonous, would you eat them?

90% lovely doesn't cut it. Nobody's perfect, including you, but you don't need to be perfect to be worthy of a respectful, loving relationship. And he doesn't need to be perfect to be a living, respectful partner, but he does need to learn to cope with his frustration without attacking you verbally.

Be aware that this is not your job. If he says you have to help him or he can't do it without your input, he's talking codswallop. If he needs help he has to seek it out himself. Don't let him push responsibility for his behaviour onto you.

[Confiscatedfidgetspinner]

Good post UserG1234

[MadMadMadamMim]

Good.

Agree with all the others saying I bet he doesn't slam about at work being an arsehole and taking out his stress and frustration on other people.

Why should he get to speak to you as though you are dirt? Does making you feel shit make him feel better? Because that's a sad way to behave in a relationship.

I'd be expecting him to acknowledge that he couldn't continue to behave in this way before I came back again. And I'd be expecting him to acknowledge that I'd had enough, and if he did it again I'd be looking at splitting up.

[Twilight7777]

Go as fast as you can, get your child away from him, you are doing the right thing! Don’t let your mum get involved though she might think she’s helping xx

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@NewlyGranny

I wouldn't disappear, I'd text or leave a note saying you've removed yourself from a horrible atmosphere for a bit. Tell him to let you know when he's fit to be around again.

$64k question: does he kick off like this at work? Is he constantly getting warnings for abusive language and slamming around the place? Does he behave this way at his parents' house? In restaurants? At his mates' homes? If the answer to all these is no, he is clearly in control of his behaviour and deliberately choosing to subject you to the worst of himself. You need to consider what that means about how he sees you and why he gives himself permission to let rip with the two people he's supposed to love and cherish above all others. 🙄

This is a really good point @BreadCrumbsAndSalad, one I hope you'll have a good think about.

Glad to hear you're at your Mum's.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@mainsfed

Bet he can manage his stress at work without shouting at colleagues.

Quite

[skodadoda]

@BreadCrumbsAndSalad

I'm a Mum's.

If you’re at your Mum’s then goodbye for you. Hope he comes to his senses.

[headlock]

Agree with @AmazingGrapes

[1sweatybetty]

Op I think from your last post you went to your mum's. Good. For what it's worth, my dad was like this - and it got slowly worse as we got older, to the point where when I was 14 he gave me a black eye for opening a gate the wrong way when I was helping him. He never hit mum, but he hit all his children semi-regularly. I love my mum, but she didn't stop him and didn't protect us. Leave permanently if he behaves like this around you or your children, it will be better for them in the long run.

[Merryoldgoat]

@Badgerlock42

Take that wine!

I grew up in a house like this - it was fucking awful. I know I sound harsh sometimes and I’m far from perfect but if there’s one thing I can’t deal with is moody-arsed men taking advantage.

[lydia2021]

Well domestic abuse often starts like this ...after a baby is born...why do you think screaming at you and belittling you isnt abuse... it is.... Red flags... girl

[Mamanyt]

Go to your mum's. Tell him or don't...he'll almost certainly guess anyway. WHEN you talk with him, make it very clear that he needs help learning how to deal with stress without taking it out on others. Tell him you love him, but you will NOT be his safety valve. At some point or another, this WILL escalate if left unattended to. And best of luck to you, my Dear.

[Zzelda]

Have you had a conversation with him about this when he's not stressed? What does he say about it? What would happen if you said to him mid rant that you aren't prepared to accept it?

My DH used to be like this, particularly at times like going on holiday. No matter how hard I tried to be super-prepared and remove every potential source of stress he could still make it hell. Ultimately there came a time when the worm turned: he was ranting on about something he claimed the children must have done although there was simply no reason to blame them, I disagreed, he started to shout at me instead, but before he'd got two words out I said "No, you DON'T take it out on me either, I'm not putting up with it" and walked away. He was really quite shocked and just didn't know what to do. I won't claim he was cured overnight, but the combination of my having developed the confidence to push back and him knowing that really had quite a major effect.

[me4real]

Well done @BreadCrumbsAndSalad . What are you thinking of doing going forward?

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

After I finally left my ex he started taking his anger out at work, then after getting sacked, on his family. They thought he'd had a breakdown because of the end of our relationship but it was just that his normal verbal punch bag had left. There was no change in his behaviour - he'd just needed someone else to take my place.

Don't put up with it as it is very damaging emotionally; it has taken me years to recover.

[Furries]

@NewlyGranny

I wouldn't disappear, I'd text or leave a note saying you've removed yourself from a horrible atmosphere for a bit. Tell him to let you know when he's fit to be around again.

$64k question: does he kick off like this at work? Is he constantly getting warnings for abusive language and slamming around the place? Does he behave this way at his parents' house? In restaurants? At his mates' homes? If the answer to all these is no, he is clearly in control of his behaviour and deliberately choosing to subject you to the worst of himself. You need to consider what that means about how he sees you and why he gives himself permission to let rip with the two people he's supposed to love and cherish above all others. 🙄

Boom! One of the most concise and descriptive posts I’ve read on this site.

Completely cuts through the internal monologue that I’m sure a lot of people have. Break it down to these bare bones.

[tolerable]

loving the bones advice. Im sorry isnt close tho.remember that

[georgarina]

Yess glad you're at mum's

Every time I've stood up for myself it's had a good result. We don't get anywhere by continuing to take the bad behaviour.

[Taikoo]

I hope you've told your mum everything .
I wouldn't go back to him again if I were you.

[Duskydai]

What an arse! So glad you left to your mums for some peace. We’re doing a full house reno and started when DD was 6 weeks old (house purchase was delayed for months due to Covid hence bad timing) and in the early days I only did what I could in between BFs and naps. As shes grown its gotten a bit easier but I would have hit the roof if DH had released this kind of stress on me when I was already vulnerable postpartum with a tiny baby depending on me. Angry on your behalf!

[sadfanny]

I'm glad you left. Instead of asking him to calm down have you ever told him to wind his neck in and shut the fuck up, never speak to you like that again or you'll leave? Cos I would.

[Pinkdormobile]

@Badgerlock42

It's like he sets me up on purpose to fail

Standard tactic of the unrepentant bully OP.
You can bet your arse he doesn't do it to customers, or his boss, or a burly 6 foot rugby player. No, he can manage his ill humour & blame-laying perfectly well - he just CHOOSES to unleash it on you.

Yeah, get the hell outta Dodge now, lie low at mum's & don't contact him tonight.
Not out of spite or revenge: by way of demonstrating that his attitude stinks, his behaviour is unacceptable, & that you will certainly not put up with it.

Are you close with your mum? - because you maybe need someone to complain, rage & weep to right now!

This is absolutely text book. Btw no one does it 24 hours a day, at least not early on, as people wouldn't put up with it. It's almost always interspersed with being 'lovely'. This puts you on the back foot as you're never quite sure what to expect. Also you try harder to reproduce 'lovely' husband and will do almost anything to get him back.

Do the freedom programme and read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.

I've been through this and it nearly wrecked me. Everyone tells me how lovely my DH is. They have no idea. It does escalate: Christmases, birthdays, holidays were all ruined. He doesn't do it now because after tons of therapy (me) he knows I wouldn't put up with it any more. But I wish I had left then. I find it hard to remember with joy when my children were little as all I can remember is him spoiling things...

[MyOtherProfile]

Hope you are ok OP and have told your mum what is going on.

[SaturdayRocks]

Glad you’ve gone OP. Wonder how long it’ll take him to contact you.

[rwalker]

Some people are just like that my DW being one of them . She's had a rough time at work grievances trumped up disciplines which has all been squashed .
I know it's coming and i'd be in firing line and bunt of her temper when she got home from work .
But if i challenge it it's like lighting the touch paper so leave it the moment pass and all good . That said I grew up with an abusive dad and TBH can very easy switch off to it and it like water off a ducks back .
But in 15 plus year she'll never change