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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not say anything, pack our stuff and just go to my Mums

176 replies

BreadCrumbsAndSalad · 09/05/2021 17:17

Because DH is being a total twat this evening.

He's been doing work on the house this weekend and is stressed with it but, as is usual for him, he takes that stress out on me.

Has a go at me for not helping enough (we have a very young baby) but then when I get baby to sleep and ask what I can do he yells at me because I 'wouldnt be able to do it anyway'. Slams doors, shouts about the house in general etc etc... I asked him nicely to calm down, he tells me to 'stop fucking telling him to calm down'.

AIBU to just quietly pack our stuff (me and baby) and just leave. I hate confrontation although I do tell him not to talk to me like that. He just gets so mad when he's stressed that you can't have a sensible conversation with him.

He's just nipped to the shop to get something he needs and I'm thinking of just not being here when he gets home.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 09/05/2021 17:41

I’d go but I’d also prepare to leave permanently in the future because this type of man will suck the life out of you.

He is choosing to do this to you. You have a baby that you are looking after almost entirely and he’s stressed because of DIY? Fuck that.

Horehound · 09/05/2021 17:42

Yeh I think I would go and hope it makes him reflect on what a shit he's being.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 09/05/2021 17:42

Don't lie to your mum either, don't cover for his bad behaviour. That's a very slippery slope into suffering in silence

cupsofcoffee · 09/05/2021 17:43

I think you need to leave a note.

Merryoldgoat · 09/05/2021 17:43

@Countrygirl2021

Please don't run off with his child.

Do go out for a nice walk / your mum's garden for the afternoon and tell him you are having some space then calmly discuss later how upset you were.

Oh bore off with this bollocks.

No one is saying ‘never see him again’ but he’s vile, she’s vulnerable and, frankly, the child’s sole caregiver: leaving to collect thought and allow him to properly assess his shitty behaviour is not ‘running off with his child’.

Maybe he shouldn’t be vile to the mother of his child.

Lou98 · 09/05/2021 17:44

Definitely go as it sounds like the space will benefit you, have a serious think about whether it's a relationship worth returning to. It doesn't matter what's stressing him, he shouldn't be taking that out on you.

Although, I would definitely say leave a note as you're taking the baby - you don't need to say your at your mums if you don't want, just something along the lines of "need some space, we'll be back tomorrow" or similar. How would you feel if you came home to find your baby gone with no note to know they're okay?

Joinedjustforthispost · 09/05/2021 17:46

@BreadCrumbsAndSalad please go , I grew up in a household like this and used to be constantly hiding trying to stay out of the way when my df was in a mood, I used to beg my mum to leave but in her words she wasn’t going to end up with nothing so we had to put up and shit up with living like this, I used to pre-empt my dads moods and how to act to calm him, I frequently used to hide in my room as much as I could, when I had a job I chose to work on Christmas Day or do lots of overtime so I didn’t have to be at home incase he was in a mood, I used to hide outside until I saw that he had left for his night shift. Please don’t allow your child to grow up in this tense environment even if he’s not physical it’s mental and I now suffer anxiety etc.

AmazingGrapes · 09/05/2021 17:47

OP has said this doesn’t happen often and she doesn’t feel abused.

In that case I’d go to your mums to give him time to calm down, then read him the riot act about how he treats you when he’s stressed. Tell him that having a baby is a reason to address bad habits as you don’t want him growing up around such a terrible example of emotional self management.

My DP was very similar before DS. I left, read the riot act, he got the message and is a muuuuch calmer and more pleasant person when stressed now. I think he just didn’t realise the impact it had on me/how much he was taking his stress out on me.

EasterEggBelly · 09/05/2021 17:51

I wouldn’t hesitate.

HelloDaisy · 09/05/2021 17:51

I wish my friend had left her dh like that when her dc were little. It might have been the short, sharp shock he needed instead of her putting up with his selfish behaviour for years, enabling him to keep behaving the way he was with no recourse...

Yes, leave him for the evening but do leave him a note saying where you have gone and why.

user1471457751 · 09/05/2021 17:56

Please leave a note and don't switch your phone off. He'll either show up at your mums or call the police. You don't need the drama

ThankYouHunkyJesus · 09/05/2021 18:01

Go for it. He's a dickhead and you deserve better.

clpsmum · 09/05/2021 18:01

Do it and please don't rush back. He sounds like an arsehole

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/05/2021 18:04

Yup I'd go to my mum's, but I'd leave a message. Something along the line of 'Find yourself another punchbag, I'm tired of you taking your stress out on me'. And yes he could read that as you leaving permanently, and no I don't think I'd feel bad about giving him such a fucking fright.

He needs to find another way to deal with stress, because this is not acceptable behaviour. So stop accepting it.

Ostara212 · 09/05/2021 18:06

I'd agree, go and don't leave a note.

Viviennemary · 09/05/2021 18:09

He sounds very stressed. But yes a few days away might help to calm things down.

OhTheIronyOfItAll · 09/05/2021 18:11

Are shops open?
I’m just concerned he will be back quicker than you think because it’s Sunday & they will be closed.
I’d be going and telling him he needs some sort of help/anger management if he wants to stay a family.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 09/05/2021 18:14

His behaviour is awful. Telling someone to calm down or cheer up never works though.

Notaroadrunner · 09/05/2021 18:14

Go but tell him where you have gone and not to contact you for a couple of days until he has calmed down. If you feel like meeting him after that, leave baby with your mum for an hour or so if possible and meet him out somewhere that he cannot shout more abuse at you. Be firm in telling him that you will never tolerate that behaviour again so he either does something about it (learn better coping techniques for his stress) or you separate.

Livelovebehappy · 09/05/2021 18:18

Don’t go OP. He’s lost his temper because he’s stressed and in a bad mood. I think most of us have had arguments with our dps as a result of stress and bad moods. Just go for a walk, with your child, and then when you get home, and you’re both calm, speak to him. Walking out, even just to give them a shock, can massively backfire. It’s not something which should be done as a knee jerk reaction.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 18:21

Yes, get up and go. It's the only way he'll learn his behaviour's completely unacceptable.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 09/05/2021 18:22

@WhereYouLeftIt

He needs to find another way to deal with stress, because this is not acceptable behaviour. So stop accepting it.

Agree with this I’m afraid. And with PPs, if it’s not habitual yet it might be the shock he needs to realise his behaviour is unacceptable.

If there are more signs of abusive behaviour posters can and will advise you on your best course of action.

CallMeCleo · 09/05/2021 18:23

Leave, and leave a note saying "I'm not coming back until you stop using me as a verbal punchbag because you're stressed out about the DIY".

tentosix · 09/05/2021 18:25

ExH was like this. DIY was a nightmare. He would get ridiculous and end up screaming and shouting at me. Also a stress thing. Just go

NewlyGranny · 09/05/2021 18:28

I wouldn't disappear, I'd text or leave a note saying you've removed yourself from a horrible atmosphere for a bit. Tell him to let you know when he's fit to be around again.

$64k question: does he kick off like this at work? Is he constantly getting warnings for abusive language and slamming around the place? Does he behave this way at his parents' house? In restaurants? At his mates' homes? If the answer to all these is no, he is clearly in control of his behaviour and deliberately choosing to subject you to the worst of himself. You need to consider what that means about how he sees you and why he gives himself permission to let rip with the two people he's supposed to love and cherish above all others. 🙄

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