To not say anything, pack our stuff and just go to my Mums

[BreadCrumbsAndSalad]

Because DH is being a total twat this evening.

He's been doing work on the house this weekend and is stressed with it but, as is usual for him, he takes that stress out on me.

Has a go at me for not helping enough (we have a very young baby) but then when I get baby to sleep and ask what I can do he yells at me because I 'wouldnt be able to do it anyway'. Slams doors, shouts about the house in general etc etc... I asked him nicely to calm down, he tells me to 'stop fucking telling him to calm down'.

AIBU to just quietly pack our stuff (me and baby) and just leave. I hate confrontation although I do tell him not to talk to me like that. He just gets so mad when he's stressed that you can't have a sensible conversation with him.

He's just nipped to the shop to get something he needs and I'm thinking of just not being here when he gets home.

[Checkingout811]

Please leave OP!

[SeaShoreGalore]

Glad you're at your mum's!

[Cosmos45]

@Countrygirl2021

Please don't run off with his child.

Do go out for a nice walk / your mum's garden for the afternoon and tell him you are having some space then calmly discuss later how upset you were.

Eh? Is this the 1950's?

[NewlyGranny]

It's not "anger management" he needs! I wish people would grasp that people like this are managing their anger just fine, thank you, by venting at people who are closest to them and can't get away easily.

The thorny issue they need to grapple with is their sense of entitlement to vent. I'm 100% certain OP has encountered some extremely stressful moments during pregnancy, labour, delivery and the post-partum period, especially as she seems to be doing practically everything without support from her partner.

How often has she screamed, ranted, slammed doors, thumped about the place and set up impossible "Heads I win, tails you lose," challenges for her partner, I wonder? And how would he have taken it if she had?!

Nope. Not anger management, not psychotherapy either, but ideally abuser counselling to make him face his behaviour and stop trying to give responsibility to OP and make her carry it for him.

[Tistheseason17]

Do you feel a bit better now, OP,?

[OverTheRubicon]

@BreadCrumbsAndSalad

Thanks. It's just so upsetting because he is so nice and lovely most of the time but he just cannot handle any stress in an appropriate way at all.

He was absolutely fine earlier on and then one thing doesn't quite go right, he gets frustrated with it and then that's it, anything I do or say is wrong, can't keep out of the way because that's wrong, can't help though either because that's wrong.

Thing is, with a child there's always going to be more reason (or excuse) to be stressed now.

Honestly I could have written this about my ex when my eldest was 4 months old. Wish I'd gone to my mum's and never come back, instead I stayed and had more DCs because of all his lovely moments (of which there truly were many), until I realised that the bad moments were too bad, and my eldest was watching and learning.

I still waver whenever we meet. Towards the end I started writing notes after each bad incident - it helped me realise how often they were and how bad things got. I'd really suggest that if you go home, you start doing the same.

[Snakeprint]

Why are you doing diy with a baby in the house? Wouldnt it be better for you to stop at your mums while hes doing it?

[mainsfed]

Bet he can manage his stress at work without shouting at colleagues.

[ohfourfoxache]

Wow, what a prince amongst men

Glad you’re at your mum’s, enjoy the peace and quiet

[Dancingsmile]

Exactly mainsfed!!!

[Miasicarisatia]

I started writing notes after each bad incident
a very useful tool, after each incident write down what happened and how you felt

[nellyburt]

Lots of good advice for you OP. Hope you’re ok.

[MintyMabel]

Why are you doing diy with a baby in the house? Wouldnt it be better for you to stop at your mums while hes doing it?

Presumably they aren’t having the baby sitting playing with nails and saw. Quite possible to do DIY with a baby in the house.

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

Glad you are at your Mums. Have a nice calm evening.

[Musicalmistress]

@Snakeprint

Why are you doing diy with a baby in the house? Wouldnt it be better for you to stop at your mums while hes doing it?

Eh? Perfectly reasonable to do diy with a baby in the house, it's hardly a building site.

[FreezeMotherHubbard]

@Snakeprint

Why are you doing diy with a baby in the house? Wouldnt it be better for you to stop at your mums while hes doing it?

Babies have smaller hands so are more dextrous when it comes to painting into corners and using the really small screwdrivers.

[OrchidLass]

@Countrygirl2021

Please don't run off with his child.

Do go out for a nice walk / your mum's garden for the afternoon and tell him you are having some space then calmly discuss later how upset you were.

She's just said that she's tried to speak to him calmly. And 'run off with his child'? No, you're right, she should just stay and be verbally abused like a good little girl ...

[riceuten]

@BreadCrumbsAndSalad

I'm a Mum's.

Great. Let him stew

[Aprilwasverywet]

I wish I had left and stayed away. Oldest ds still has therapy at 29...
My oh moved on to smashing up our home and ds's stuff...
Tempers quickly escalate up. Ime once you accept the odd flare up they become more regular until they become your normal life.

[Thelnebriati]

I'm glad to hear you are at your Mum's. Please think very carefully about your next move.
What comes next is usually several months of love bombing and offers to change, interspersed with angry cries of 'what do you want from me'.

[1forAll74]

He needs some serious anger management, if he is always like this doing jobs, and you end up getting all his backlash. I would just go off for a short time, and when you come back, he needs to be told, that he has to change his angry ways, or there will be serious repercussions for him in the future, and stick to this rule.

[Badgerlock42]

It's like he sets me up on purpose to fail

Standard tactic of the unrepentant bully OP.
You can bet your arse he doesn't do it to customers, or his boss, or a burly 6 foot rugby player. No, he can manage his ill humour & blame-laying perfectly well - he just CHOOSES to unleash it on you.


Yeah, get the hell outta Dodge now, lie low at mum's & don't contact him tonight.
Not out of spite or revenge: by way of demonstrating that his attitude stinks, his behaviour is unacceptable, & that you will certainly not put up with it.

Are you close with your mum? - because you maybe need someone to complain, rage & weep to right now!

[Badgerlock42]

I don't feel abused

Oh sweetheart.
Neither did most of us. Until we were crushed, & you'll only hear that from those of us who survived & escaped.

That's the way manipulation, bullying & control work.

[Badgerlock42]

Oh bore off with this bollocks

@Merryoldgoat, I have long admired your posts, but this takes the biscuit dear.
The wine has been taken, so this time I can't resist but publicly applaud your terse genius.

Ahem! As you were.

[Singlenotsingle]

You're the scapegoat just because he can't cope. Go.