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To miss my old life so very much

225 replies

Eggyquiche · 09/05/2021 09:10

Adore our toddler Dd, had her late and waited a long time for her, but so miss our old life.
Most days are just a slog, hard work and with meltdowns. I usually wait for bedtime just to have a moment of peace. Even days out are pretty exhausting and just something to be got through. Of course there are lovely moments and I love her so much, but I was happier before overall 😥and I feel terrible saying that.
We live abroad so have no help at all, we’ve never been without her or on our own in almost 3 years.
Looking back, our life was a dream life. We’d wake whenever we wanted, have a leisurely breakfast, watch what we wanted on tv in peace, maybe head down to the beach, or we’d lounge around sunbathing in the garden, having lunch with wine and head to the beach for sunset and ocean swims.
Now, I generally get woken by a shouting Dd, complaining as she doesn’t sleep well. Dp and I rarely get on these days as it’s mainly about controlling Dd when she gets too hyper, we have no time for each other and are both exhausted. We can barely even talk to each other as Dd demands so much of our attention. She’s an amazing girl but has never slept well as she never wants to sleep. I now spend summer evenings May in bed trying to coax her to sleep whilst she jumps around.
I know I sound so awful, but our life before was so very different, filled with travel and leisure and love for each other, I cry at how much I miss that sometimes and then feel guilty.
I can’t believe how easy life was before kids.

OP posts:
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 09/05/2021 14:23

But what’s the problem with that? What do you think is going to happen as a result?

Lemonelderflower · 09/05/2021 14:28

I think it’s a problem because when someone has a three year old you can’t really send them back Hmm

‘I have no money’
‘Oh no. I’m rich.’

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 09/05/2021 14:32

I agree it wasn’t a particularly helpful comment on this thread for OP’s specific circumstances (although the point about not having any more was valid). But “having an agenda” implies something bigger and more sinister than just a bit of a pointless comment.

If you really think happy child free women are pretending to be harried mothers of toddlers on mumsnet to extol the virtues of a child free life then I think that’s a bit of a stretch. Far more likely that the OP is actually the harried mother of a toddler because looking after toddlers is frequently relentless and hard.

Carouselfish · 09/05/2021 14:33

I would say, try not to try to control everything. Being more relaxed as a parent with my second dd has made the world of difference to her behaviour and my own feelings about motherhood compared to how stressy I was as a parent to my first dd. Pick your battles. Don't get upset if things go wrong. Shrug it off. Don't expect everything to go to plan.

Carouselfish · 09/05/2021 14:36

Also entertaining a three year old can be about involving her in your activities rather than forcing yourself to do 3r year old level activities. So, the dog walk, the listening to music can go on.

rabbitheadlights · 09/05/2021 14:37

If she's sleeping from 8 to 7 you have the whole evening to spend with your DH surely?

littlepattilou · 09/05/2021 14:43

To say the OP has an agenda, and has come on here so people can boast about how wonderful a child-free life is, is ludicrous.

Yeah, a child-free life IS wonderful, but so is a life WITH children. Sure, there are difficult times, as some posts have illustrated, but the rewards outweigh the pitfalls. I can't ever imagine life without my (20-something) daughter now, and I love her to bits. But I understand and respect that not all women want - or need - children!

A couple of my good friends are child-free (50s and 60s now,) and we get on really well, and they love my daughter. But then, none of us have ever tried to make the other one feel shit for our life choices.

Have kids, don't have them, it's got naff-all to do with anyone else, and nobody has a better life because they don't have children, nor do they have a better life because they DO have children. The lives are just different that's all.

Lemonelderflower · 09/05/2021 14:44

It would be if I’d said that. Try again.

Choices21 · 09/05/2021 14:49

@littlepattilou. I like your comment.

Choices21 · 09/05/2021 14:51

Poor @Eggyquiche. Your post has been side railed a wee bit. Sorry!

I hope you are ok. Plough through this time! These feelings are temporary.

OuiOuiKitty · 09/05/2021 14:51

In the grand scheme of things it is such a sort time of your life that they are small and demanding like this. You quickly get your freedoms back. Mine are 12 and 14 now and it's nothing like the baby days. The 14 year old often chooses to stay home by himself and is barricaded in his room talking to friends on discord. The 12 year old is often at friends. Dh and I a lot of freedom to do things we enjoy as a couple. It might seem like ages away now but I swear I had two little ones in a buggy only a little while ago. This will pass and having kids has been so rewarding and fun, you forget about the shit bits.

Eggyquiche · 09/05/2021 14:52

@littlepattilou I cried reading your post, all the changes they go through and so nice that you’re all so close now 💜

I don’t get the agenda stuff, there’s no agenda, it actually can be really hard with a toddler! has been wonderful and full of cuddles and baking 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️It’s swings and roundabouts, it’s FULL on but I wouldn’t change it at all

OP posts:
Lemonelderflower · 09/05/2021 14:53

OP just to clarify I didn’t mean you had an agenda. I meant the poster who replied to you singing the virtues of a child free life did!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/05/2021 14:55

[quote joystir59]**@joystir59 We have a wide group of friends with kids, but..they’re all managing their own kids
Why aren't you sharing childcare so that you can each have regular breaks? I don't understand why this doesn't seem to happen.[/quote]
Because a lot of people don't want to look after other peoples' kids for free. It's not hard to understand.

Choices21 · 09/05/2021 14:57

If you don’t mind me asking, kinda nosey. How old were you when you had DC?

littlepattilou · 09/05/2021 15:02


@littlepattilou I cried reading your post, all the changes they go through and so nice that you’re all so close now... 💜

I don’t get the agenda stuff, there’s no agenda, it actually can be really hard with a toddler! But.. today has been wonderful and full of cuddles and baking 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️It’s swings and roundabouts, it’s FULL on but I wouldn’t change it at all.



pattilou I like your comment.

Thank you. 🥰

Draineddraineddrained · 09/05/2021 15:15

I was sympathetic initially but then I read your posts - she goes down by 8 and sleeps through until 7??? You have an angel child. Expecting her to nap on top of that at 3 is very unrealistic in my experience. And you have ACRES of time in the evenings to be alone and do hobbies and have partner time!

To me it sounds like your expectations were way too high. You must have realised how much work s child is having been in EY - it is not about lazy Sunday mornings!!

If I were you I would go back to work as clearly being a SAHM is too relentless for you - it is for lots of people! I would have liked the chance to try but couldn't afford it - you're lucky to have the option to try it and to change your mind.

The other thing is that you and your DH need to tag team - one of you do bedtime, the other goes to the beach (alone or with a friend). Sucks not to have time together out and about but such is life and it's not forever!

Sorry but complaining you're too tired to be with each other at home when you're getting a solid 8 hours sleep a night gets my back up a bit as someone whose child didn't sleep more than a couple of hours at s time for 2years!

CirqueDeMorgue · 09/05/2021 15:18

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MarshaBradyo · 09/05/2021 15:19

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MarshaBradyo · 09/05/2021 15:20

The hours asleep does sound good tbh. More than here

1forAll74 · 09/05/2021 15:22

Your old life was good,and should still be good with your little one. Everyone has a little lifestyle change when you have a little child to look after.. You also seem to be in a nice location,which is beneficial to you all.

Everything needn't be a slog everyday,if you can establish a good sleep routine for your child. and maybe put off doing household stuff every now and then. It's child time now, but you can still keep your old memories from the past, but not dwell on them all the time.

CirqueDeMorgue · 09/05/2021 15:23

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hmyh23 · 09/05/2021 15:23

Mine are 1.5 and 3 and I feel exactly the same. Most days are a miserable grind. I work part time and my job is busy and hectic then rush home to do pick ups etc. The constant noise and whinging is the thing that affects me most.

Eggyquiche · 09/05/2021 15:32

@CirqueDeMorgue Wow. How to make someone feel shitter.

OP posts:
Choices21 · 09/05/2021 15:33

@CirqueDeMorgue. That is a bit harsh surely. And that is coming from someone who made the choice to not have kids for this sort of reason. I didn’t want to give up my free time and lazy weekends.

Most parents must feel the way the OP feels, yes? It’s good to admit it as it ain’t all smiles, cuddles and good times as a parent. It’s relentless and a flipping graft!

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