Adore our toddler Dd, had her late and waited a long time for her, but so miss our old life.
Most days are just a slog, hard work and with meltdowns. I usually wait for bedtime just to have a moment of peace. Even days out are pretty exhausting and just something to be got through. Of course there are lovely moments and I love her so much, but I was happier before overall 😥and I feel terrible saying that.
We live abroad so have no help at all, we’ve never been without her or on our own in almost 3 years.
Looking back, our life was a dream life. We’d wake whenever we wanted, have a leisurely breakfast, watch what we wanted on tv in peace, maybe head down to the beach, or we’d lounge around sunbathing in the garden, having lunch with wine and head to the beach for sunset and ocean swims.
Now, I generally get woken by a shouting Dd, complaining as she doesn’t sleep well. Dp and I rarely get on these days as it’s mainly about controlling Dd when she gets too hyper, we have no time for each other and are both exhausted. We can barely even talk to each other as Dd demands so much of our attention. She’s an amazing girl but has never slept well as she never wants to sleep. I now spend summer evenings May in bed trying to coax her to sleep whilst she jumps around.
I know I sound so awful, but our life before was so very different, filled with travel and leisure and love for each other, I cry at how much I miss that sometimes and then feel guilty.
I can’t believe how easy life was before kids.
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AIBU?
To miss my old life so very much
Eggyquiche · 09/05/2021 09:10
I'd really try to get help with her sleep.
My DS didn't sleep much, or at all at 3 during the day, but he did and still needs his sleep at night.
One factor might be that when she's put to bed she's already too tired. Unless you already put her to bed at 6pm I might try to a little earlier.
Another factor is the bed routine. It needs to be relaxing and happy. I used to make almost a game of it with DS, so that the whole tooth brushing, putting on pjs, etc was full of laughter. Sometimes we got a bit physical and then wound up quickly to a more quiet state, and I'd stay a bit with him, chatting about the day, telling a story, just quiet and in the dark.
My point is that if she's stressed and hyperactive, it may help to join her and have a quick active period, that is enjoyable for both, some good hearty laughs, and then winding down will probably be easier, due to the feel good molecules released.
Same during the day.
When DS got too annoying, I'd grab a book and we'd sit quietly on the sofa reading a book.
It still works as he's a teenager, to defuse bad moods to get a laugh somewhere.
They need and crave positive attention and sometimes all they manage is to create negative attention. It's our job to see past that and turn it into positive attention.
It's not easy, though. Because every new stage throws you off and when you think you've cracked it, then everything changes. 
But working towards giving positive attention, IME, is the most reliable strategy.
I believe nothing really prepares you for life after having kids - I think if we were truly prepared and informed lots of us wouldn’t have them. You are grieving for your old life and that is totally ok - I still do too - quite often - and my kids are much older. By the time they move out I fear I will be too old and knackered to want to do any of “my” stuff! It gets slightly easier as they get older but your time is never your own again. There is a reason they are named “dependents”. A few snatched hours here and there if you have a babysitter does help but there is no spontaneity as you have to plan and book a sitter. Like you I don’t live near family so maybe that makes a difference but TBH it doesn’t make a huge difference from what I see with friends. This is the deal with being a parent, you have to put yourself last and it sucks a lot of the time. I don’t think the sleep issue is the only issue but it would help if that improves - it’s likely it will over time any way as with all things kids related..this too will pass. Hang in there, you are being a wonderful Mum I’m sure 
I can so relate to this.
Have a 14 month old DS and currently 34 weeks with DD. We wanted kids and didn’t expect it to be easy but ITS.SO.HARD
I’m lucky that DS sleeps well. Usually 8pm-6am but my lord he is full of beans through the day. Refuses to be contained, screams at/for everything and wants to be into everything all the time. He has no patience and will have a meltdown because I’m not spooning his food in fast enough 
or because (heaven forbid) I try to change his nappy
Before we had him we thought our lives felt ‘empty’ but now all I remember is a wonderful haze of lie ins, freedom, travel, amazing food, culture and sweet sweet silence.
The thought of juggling 2 of them now makes me want to cry. When I got pregnant DS was 6 months and for some ridiculous reason we both assumed ‘the hardest bit was over’... neither of us had exposure to babies or small children before having them so we just didn’t know
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