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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my DH

84 replies

Smiths84 · 09/05/2021 02:05

We’ve a newborn DS. DH has been amazing, looking after us during his paternity leave. I’m breastfeeding so he has done the cooking, dishes, washing, constantly handed me food/drinks when I’ve been trapped on the bed/sofa feeding DS. DH went back to work this week. We’re first time parents and I’m struggling to manage basic tasks as DS won’t sleep unless held and doesn’t like the sling. I’m finding it hard to do anything and I’m hating feeling so dependent on DH. Today he was was working from home 9-3:30 and had arranged to meet a couple of friends in one of their gardens straight after. He took the car as he didn’t want to drink. I ended up having a difficult night, DS started cluster feeding at 4pm, I’d not been able to empty out the washing I put in this morning or cook our tea, I’ve also a raging sore throat. I ended up knackered, hungry and in tears as I just felt utterly useless. Around 8:30 DH had texted to see how DS and I were. I had said we were ok but mentioned the feeding. At 9:50 DH texted to say he was coming home soon. I rang him and said I’d had a difficult night and hadn’t cooked yet and that I’d been upset, he was lovely and said he would sort food and was coming back. I felt bad telling him that I had struggled as I wanted him to have a good night and not feel bad for going out but I was so relieved he was heading back. After an hour he still wasn’t back so I went upstairs to try and get DS sleep. DH didn’t end up getting home till over 2 hours later and I’m so annoyed with him. His excuse was that he couldn’t leave immediately as his 2 friends hadn’t finished their drink and he agreed to drop them home but got lost as he took a wrong turn. I told him that I thought he was coming straight back and that I really needed the help. He’s apologised and while we didn’t argue he could tell I was really unhappy. I know he feels awful and we’ve gone to bed without saying anything more but there was a really bad atmosphere. Now I’m wide awake as DS has woken for another feed and it’s on my mind. Am I unreasonable to feel annoyed?

OP posts:

Pinkyavocado · 09/05/2021 02:10

First babies are hard work. Your life has been turned completely upside down. Cluster feeding is a killer also. I bit my DH’s head off about 100 times a day with our first.

It’s entirely understandable that you’d be annoyed but i doubt he stayed out on purpose. Cut him some slack. You’ll settle in to some sort of routine soon. X

Sillawithans · 09/05/2021 02:11

YABU.

user1471457751 · 09/05/2021 02:11

I think the only way you're being unreasonable is by not communicating properly. If you're struggling then tell him. When he asked how you were you said you were doing OK, but you weren't. You can't expect him to be a mindreader.

Original poster

Smiths84 · 09/05/2021 02:15

Thank you. You’re right I definitely don’t think he stayed out on purpose. I think I’m just frustrated in general. He went out for one night and I couldn’t manage things. Im just finding it really hard.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2021 02:16

YABU but honestly I'm not sure anyone has got through the early baby stage without being. Give him a hug and go to sleep.

Sillawithans · 09/05/2021 02:16

What can we help you with op that you're finding hard?

Original poster

Smiths84 · 09/05/2021 02:24

@user1471457751
You’re right I could have communicated better. I didn’t want to spoil his first night out. When I rang slightly later I did tell him that I’d been getting upset and was struggling though. He said he would be back shortly. When I asked why he hadn’t come back like he said he would he said he hadn’t meant that he would be coming straight home. Maybe we both need to communicate better

OP posts:

Original poster

Smiths84 · 09/05/2021 02:29

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett I think deep down I know I’m being unreasonable so that’s why I didn’t go off it with him. It just helps to get out how I’m feeling. Will take your advice

OP posts:

Youarenothere · 09/05/2021 02:34

The early weeks/months with a new baby are very hard to navigate. Cut yourself and DH some slack. Yes better communication would be good, but so so hard when sleep deprived. Try not to sweat the small stuff and start eating more oven pizza.

user1473878824 · 09/05/2021 02:38

@Smiths84

I haven’t had children but I’m already dreading the things DP can do that I can’t. You’re knackered, have made a whole human person and then delivered it, you’re absolutely allowed to be frustrated and finding it hard! I’m always slightly “are they lying” about people who seem to fly though it. Congratulations though x

Original poster

Smiths84 · 09/05/2021 02:53

@Sillawithans
It sounds stupid but just basic things. I don’t understand how anyone gets anything done! I tried the sling in the hope of having my hands freed up so I can do tasks in the house, nothing major, a bit of cooking, putting washing in, a bit of a tidy up. DS is 6 weeks old now and I’m still having to rely heavily on DH and my mum. DS cries when he is put down. I will leave him to cry for very short periods eg if I need the loo or a cup of tea but I don’t feel I can for any longer periods of time. I feel I should be getting on with things more. Maybe I’m being unrealistic

OP posts:

Sillawithans · 09/05/2021 03:04

As, 6 weeks is nothing op! You're both still getting to know each other. Have you thought about a swing? When I had my 3rd I had a 15 month old and another just gone 2 and it was a life saver. I also had a cot I used for downstairs with a mobile on it to distract them. When you put him down how long does he cry for?

Sillawithans · 09/05/2021 03:06

As..... I meant aw. And doesn't sound stupid at all, new forms are very time consuming!

Pinkyavocado · 09/05/2021 03:20

@Smiths84 - it’s weird because when you have more children you look back and wonder what you found so hard. I had my second when my first was 7 years old. My first is severely disabled hence the age gap. I was so worried wondering how I’d cope with a baby and my son who requires 24/7 support, but it was fine. Just a year later number 3 came along!

It’s just the huge lifestyle change. It does get easier honestly. For now try not to stress about the house stuff, just enjoy your baby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2021 03:27

Mine was like that. She's an incredibly adventurous, independent thing now!

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/05/2021 03:33

Your husband is an asshole and took the piss, just not on especially when you have just had a baby. Leave the household jobs, sleep when baby sleeps and enjoy your bundle of joy. Congratulations!

MindyStClaire · 09/05/2021 03:48

@MrsTerryPratchett

YABU but honestly I'm not sure anyone has got through the early baby stage without being. Give him a hug and go to sleep.

Exactly this. Christ those early days are brutal, especially on a first baby. You're finding it hard because it is hard. Go easy on yourself, you're just finding your feet.

redtshirt50 · 09/05/2021 04:11

You should have ordered a takeaway!

Or get your DH to buy some ready meals so if this happens again at least you can eat

KM38 · 09/05/2021 04:14

Sending you a hug @Smiths84 The first few months are brutal! You and DH are both navigating how to be parents. It sounds like he’s been great up until this incident? He definitely could have come home sooner, but you also could have been more clear on how much you were struggling. I think you just need to put this one down to miscommunication ❤️ Have a chat with him in the morning and just agree to both be clearer with each other in future.

I also had a baby that couldn’t be put down. And my DH worked offshore for 3 weeks at a time so wasn’t even about at night to help. I’ve never been more tired or felt more useless in my life 😓 DS was born during covid and we had no safe family that we could bubble with so it was literally me and DS for weeks on end. Mine hated the sling and any kind of swing/bouncer so I just had to master doing things one handed 😓 probably not what you want to hear! If you can, on one of DHs days off could you and him do some batch cooking? That honestly saved me those first few months. Even something as simple as being able to grab a healthy meal out the freezer and knowing that it just needed heated at dinner time took a bit of pressure off and made me feel like something was at least taken care of.

As for the rest of the house - don’t worry about it (easier said than done, I know) - but does it really matter if it’s not all that tidy? Or if the bathroom doesn’t get cleaned for a bit longer than normal etc? I know it’s frustrating just wanting to do a few bits and not being able to though.

Keep trying different things when it comes to putting your baby down too. Mine absolutely hated it and would scream bloody murder until one day he was just fine! His playgym grabbed his attention one day and I was able to have him there on the floor in whatever room I was in while I just had a quick scoot round that room to tidy up. I’m not talking miracles, he’d maybe last 5-10 mins maximum but it was better than he had been doing so it felt life changing! He still would only nap on me or in a moving pram until this week though 😓 he done his first ever nap in his cot this week - at 6m old 🙈 I promise it gets easier ❤️

andivfmakes3 · 09/05/2021 04:15

YABU it was one night and you said yourself he has otherwise been amazing

frazzledasarock · 09/05/2021 04:28

Get a load of easy to prep ready meals in, meals you can shove into the oven and forget about till done. So you are eating well.

Agree to tell eachother exactly what is happening so you are both aware of what to expect.

I’d get a snack basket and sit on the sofa with Netflix/DVD’s and get comfy as possible whilst baby cluster feeds.

I pretty much couldn’t do any housework when mine were newborn, my one aim was to keep my sanity and feed and care for my newborn, which is what did.

This stage is so hard and exacerbated by broken sleep. Go easy on yourself and on your DH.

SaturdayRocks · 09/05/2021 04:29

You will look back on this one day and laugh, I promise. My girlfriends and I were doing just this recently - regaling each other with tales of being at the end of our tether with week-old, relentlessly crying babies, and flipping out at our DHs.

It’s all completely normal and par for the course. It does get easier, I promise.

My tip for next time he’s out - whether that’s at work, or with friends - is, instead of fixating on him not being there, or wondering when on earth he’s going to get home, focus on getting through one particular baby-related task on your own. You might make a mess of it, and it might take ages, but that doesn’t matter. It will be that bit easier the next time you attempt it.

This is life now, so you might as well get used to it - I mean that in a jolly hockey-sticks way, not an unkind way. There’s no going back, so the sooner you start managing the basics alone, so much the better.

You will get there.

SaturdayRocks · 09/05/2021 04:32

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Your husband is an asshole and took the piss, just not on especially when you have just had a baby. Leave the household jobs, sleep when baby sleeps and enjoy your bundle of joy. Congratulations!

He’s not an ‘arsehole’ at all. What a really unpleasant comment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2021 04:49

I remember hissing insults at my poor, hard-working DH as he walked away angry. Mine didn't sleep for two years. I probably was clinically depressed but only because of sleep deprivation.

Thank goodness we got through it.

KM38 · 09/05/2021 04:58

This:
You will look back on this one day and laugh, I promise. My girlfriends and I were doing just this recently - regaling each other with tales of being at the end of our tether with week-old, relentlessly crying babies, and flipping out at our DHs.

It’s all completely normal and par for the course. It does get easier, I promise

What @SaturdayRocks says is completely true! I know you’re reading it right now thinking that you can’t ever see yourself laughing about it - I’d have been the same - but I’m already looking back and laughing and I’m only 6months in ❤️

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