To be upset with my DH

[Smiths84]

We’ve a newborn DS. DH has been amazing, looking after us during his paternity leave. I’m breastfeeding so he has done the cooking, dishes, washing, constantly handed me food/drinks when I’ve been trapped on the bed/sofa feeding DS. DH went back to work this week. We’re first time parents and I’m struggling to manage basic tasks as DS won’t sleep unless held and doesn’t like the sling. I’m finding it hard to do anything and I’m hating feeling so dependent on DH. Today he was was working from home 9-3:30 and had arranged to meet a couple of friends in one of their gardens straight after. He took the car as he didn’t want to drink. I ended up having a difficult night, DS started cluster feeding at 4pm, I’d not been able to empty out the washing I put in this morning or cook our tea, I’ve also a raging sore throat. I ended up knackered, hungry and in tears as I just felt utterly useless. Around 8:30 DH had texted to see how DS and I were. I had said we were ok but mentioned the feeding. At 9:50 DH texted to say he was coming home soon. I rang him and said I’d had a difficult night and hadn’t cooked yet and that I’d been upset, he was lovely and said he would sort food and was coming back. I felt bad telling him that I had struggled as I wanted him to have a good night and not feel bad for going out but I was so relieved he was heading back. After an hour he still wasn’t back so I went upstairs to try and get DS sleep. DH didn’t end up getting home till over 2 hours later and I’m so annoyed with him. His excuse was that he couldn’t leave immediately as his 2 friends hadn’t finished their drink and he agreed to drop them home but got lost as he took a wrong turn. I told him that I thought he was coming straight back and that I really needed the help. He’s apologised and while we didn’t argue he could tell I was really unhappy. I know he feels awful and we’ve gone to bed without saying anything more but there was a really bad atmosphere. Now I’m wide awake as DS has woken for another feed and it’s on my mind. Am I unreasonable to feel annoyed?

Thanks for all the positive comments. I especially like the more pizza and snack box ideas. @Sillawithans he will cry at least 10 minutes, it’s the red faced, run out of breath, about to throw up kind of cry that he gets to which is why I’ll pick him up after a certain point. Will think about a swing.

It sounds like I am being a bit unrealistic about what Ive been expecting to be able to do at this point. Will keep trying with the Moses basket/baby bouncer/sling to see if eventually he will be calm in any of these.

DS is still cluster feeding every hour so woke up DH. We’ve had a hug, he's said he should have come home earlier, I’ve said i should have told him properly how I was feeling. We both agreed trying to cook was a bad idea and we should have ordered take away! He definitely has been amazing so far up till tonight and I know he hadn’t done it on purpose.

It’s really helped me to hear that it is just a really hard time at this stage and that it gets easier

Some great advice on here, I don’t have much to add as I’m currently in a similar situation (10 weeks yesterday)... but I just wanted to say you’re not alone and it’s mind bogglingly tough but I’m finding things get easier week by week- and when it doesn’t get easier I just keep reminding myself it can’t last forever! The dust WILL settle and I suspect you’re doing way better than you give yourself credit for because, quite frankly, just surviving is a pretty amazing achievement some days. Some hours. Take it hour by hour and if you ever wonder if what you’re feeling is normal or if anyone else has struggled to this extent, or have felt this overwhelmed or ended up being unreasonable, then I bet my bottom dollar they have... it can’t just be the two of us

This too shall pass.

You’re definitely doing an incredible job. Be kind to yourself... and with good communication I mean sure you’ll smooth things over with your husband.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture... now I understand why! Have a chat with your husband about ways you can work together to ensure you get sleep... sometimes half an hour of sleep can make all the difference.

Best of luck. Remember, you’re not alone. Nothing could have prepared us for this! But we’ll make it and like a pp said, hopefully we’ll look back one day and laugh

DS is still cluster feeding every hour so woke up DH. We’ve had a hug, he's said he should have come home earlier, I’ve said i should have told him properly how I was feeling. We both agreed trying to cook was a bad idea and we should have ordered take away! He definitely has been amazing so far up till tonight and I know he hadn’t done it on purpose.

Awwwwwwww I feel good about you kids.

Such a lovely update, sounds like you're both there for each other and are understanding.

Hopefully he's had a fun first night out and you'll get plenty of ready meals in your freezer

I think you both underestimated the newborn stage, and it really is all hands on deck. Hopefully he has realised that he can't just disappear for hours.

Hi - my partner and I had a rule when the babies were tiny not to try and hold grudges or take too much to heart.

So what this meant if one of us snapped at each other during a hard night - we let it wash over and be kind the next night.

So give him a cuddle and move on.

Now if he does this every night - no but having a baby is hard

My DH worked away loads in the early days with DS - the solution is ready meals. Something you can bung in the microwave and then eat with one hand. If he's going out, one of you pops to the shop in advance to get one.

Have you tried a different sling? Both of mine have loved a stretchy wrap as newborns.

Your standards sounds a bit high, at six weeks I was doing basically nothing except feeding the baby. My house looked like a bomb had hit it and I just ignored it.

If you are still like this by six months then maybe you'll need to rethink.

Ah It’s so hard, especially when your baby wants to be held, but that’s normal, your frustration is normal, it’s all normal and it just gets easier with time.

I’d say, if your husband (or later you) gets time/night off, you must just leave him to enjoy it. Put a pizza/ready meal in for you or something easy (at this stage we had a freezer stocked with posh-ish ready meals...proper cooking came back slowly!) Make sure you’ve had help/company on that day so it doesn’t feel such a long stint. Always just expect that the one who’s out is ‘off duty’ enjoying the well-earned break. At the moment it’s him but you will live it when it finally hits that stage and it’s your turn!!

Ps on the not being able to put the baby down - that was me with my first child! Your baby is still so tiny, this is normal, but all babies are different and some do just need more cuddling/carrying about than others. I thought I was doing something wrong with my first, until I had my second who positively hated being held and couldn’t wait to be put down...

It is hard to get stuff done while looking after a tiny cuddler. I showered before DH left for work. My husband did the dishwasher when he came home from work, or sometimes I did it while he played with the baby. Dusting, any kind of deep cleaning...we just let that go. I put a wash on in the morning, and we sorted it out between us in the evening. Other jobs just got shunted to the weekend when we were both home...others got left! And nothing bad happened, despite my mother’s protestations.

Please allow yourself to enjoy the cuddles, look after yourself, ride the wave of hormones and give your lovely baby the attention he is asking you for. He wants to be near you so take him with you - it won’t always be like this! Good luck OP and congrats on your lovely baby.

It sounds like you've sorted it OP, but I agree with others that you need to be less reliant on him for basic things like food. You need the freezer full of ready meals and if the baby is crying for 5 mins whilst you sort out some food for yourself that is completely OK. But I have got three children so it's easy for me to say, I'm far more chilled out than I was!

If he's going to meet friends and not getting wasted because he's driving I think you need to leave him to it unless he's getting back at 4am or doing it loads.

But equally you need a break too, when he's there he needs to be looking after the baby between feeds.

You have every right to be upset and frustrated, but you need to let it go. Hopefully he’s learnt that he managed the situation poorly and won’t do it again.

If you need to put the washing machine on, have a shower or make a quick sandwich, leave baby to cry while you do it. You aren’t being cruel, you need to eat/drink to feed baby. And the washing/drying/dishwasher needs doing.
When baby gets into a routine you will see when you have time to do the jobs.

That's a nice update OP, I'm glad you and DH have made up.

I agree with everyone else - lower your expectations, cuddle your baby when he needs it, don't worry about the state of the house, have some easy meals on standby, keep talking to your DH. The first few weeks are so hard. You will get through this!

I think it’s very much a learning curve in the first few weeks (and months and year); it’s new to him to have you dependent on him and vice versa. I would try to move in from it now amd just agree with him that another time he does things a bit differently so that if he needs to leave early he can and the same for you such as when you know you’ll be home alone for the evening have him or you buy a ready meal or something you can just put in the oven so you’re not left hungry.

Ah six weeks is still very early days. Babies change all time. The being held thing gets easier

Look, if you need to eat, put baby down. Make some cheese on toast or something you can eat one handed

If baby cries for 5 mins; it's ok. You're not a bad mum for allowing it. Sometimes you just have to do it

Keep trying sling because they change all the time and it may work one day

YABU but I TOTALLY get why. I understand, I've felt it, been there.

First babies, trying to find your way, cluster feeding, not having two free hands to even feed yourself.

No wonder you are feeling the way you are!

Newborn babies are hard work. Nobody can prepare you for it. The lack of sleep is the killer. Don’t try and cook fancy meals. Do the basics. I found having lots of clothes helps. My mum bought me lots of bedding for my baby’s cot. At the time I thought she was mad. After throwing a set away after ds was sick all over it, I was really greatful that I didn’t have to worry about washing and drying bedding.
You will find your own routine.

Just seen your update - well done on making up - you guys will be great!

[quote Smiths84]@Sillawithans
It sounds stupid but just basic things. I don’t understand how anyone gets anything done! I tried the sling in the hope of having my hands freed up so I can do tasks in the house, nothing major, a bit of cooking, putting washing in, a bit of a tidy up. DS is 6 weeks old now and I’m still having to rely heavily on DH and my mum. DS cries when he is put down. I will leave him to cry for very short periods eg if I need the loo or a cup of tea but I don’t feel I can for any longer periods of time. I feel I should be getting on with things more. Maybe I’m being unrealistic[/quote]
FWIW OP I was shite at the first few months. Couldn’t function around basic things, went weeks living on brews and biscuits, it was utterly crap. But then I realised that if I wasn’t going to be one of these smug internet mums (who don’t truly exist btw) breezing through it, I was going to go into survival mode until it got easier. So I stopped putting pressure on myself to do things, I let the housework pile up and I slept whenever I could. By 6 months it got easier and eventually I came out the other side without murdering DH.

Some days with a newborn are about survival, and some days are about forgiveness for you and for the odd unintentional fuck up from DH.

It’ll all get easier soon, just hang on until then.

Go easy on yourself OP. Its's so hard.

If I'm cooking, I put the baby in his pram so I can rock it in between important bits or if I'm stirring etc can rock it with one hand if that helps with the cooking?

God. That first few months phase. DH is wonderful. So hands on. 100% an equal parent. And I felt perpetually murderous towards him. Also the sleep deprivation really really affects your decision making abilities.

I found that I could put DS1 down about 5 times a day for MAYBE 20 mins so I had a plan.
First 20 mins: make a cup of tea (don’t sit down to drink it)- do some laundry.
Second 20 min: chop stuff for dinner.
Third 20 min: make the dinnner
IF we were lucky to get two more 20 min phases I would give the place a good tidy up.

But here’s what DH did that made a difference. He used to leave the house by 7:30/8. So our routine was. He would be up by 5:30. He would have a shower. Eat his breakfast, do a load of laundry, put away laundry, empty the dishwasher and make a sandwich/salad. He would then pack the changing bag and make sure it was stocked up. He would do a general tidy up.
I would wake up around 6:30 by which time most of this was done. I would feed DS1 and DH would make my breakfast. When I had fed him, I would hand over to DH and go have a shower and have my tea and toast in peace.
DH would burp him, change him, play with him etc till he was ready to leave at 7:30.
So by 7:30 we were both changed, ai had showered, eaten, some basic housework had been done, and there was sandwich/salad for me for lunch in the fridge. And the changing bag was packed.

At that point if the day went to pot and we got nothing done it would be still be fine. If I didn’t get dinner done, DH would come home and do it. The morning was manic (especially for DH) but it meant that we got a good start to the day. On the weekends I would feed in bed and hand over and go back to sleep and DH would do everything else.

The first time my H went out when my baby was born (about three weeks old) was a nightmare. He got so drunk he broke his phone. When he eventually came home, he kept trying to lift the sleeping baby out of his basket and I made his parents come and get him as he was in such a state. He wasn’t nasty or aggressive just an absolute state. In their infinite wisdom, his parents dropped him home again at 5:30am (seriously) so he could ‘help with the baby’. Well, I had been fast asleep and he woke me and the baby barrelling in through the door. The baby was a damn sight easier to manage than the husband who came home, who was still drunk and in such a state he threw up until lunchtime.

So, you know you’re being a bit unreasonable. He sounds generally quite great. Babies are hard, you are coping, you’re just feeling dependent and having that person leave you for a bit is destabilising. You’re doing a good job and as my story attests, it could have been worse

I suggest you prioritise yiur own well-being a bit more. If you had older children, you wouldn't be able to lift baby the moment he cries. If he has to wait a few minutes while you make yiurself a sandwich, he won't come to any harm

Yes yabu as he's been very supportive and can't be there all the time to make sure you've eaten etc . You could have made yourself a toastie or stuck a pizza in the oven for yourself no matter how much the baby was feeding. But .... We've all been there with being new parents so know how exhaustingly demanding it is at first. Start to try to do small things And a routine will soon flow. Have you thought about expressing so baby can have a bottle sometimes, DH could take on a few feeds ?

Have easy things in the fridge/freezer for days like these.
Don’t let yourself get hungry, you’re breastfeeding and need calories! He might cry but you need to put him down to fuel yourself. Be kind to yourself you’re single handedly keeping a whole little human nourished.

I’ve got a 4 week old that I’m EBF, I know how you feel