To be upset with my DH

[Smiths84]

We’ve a newborn DS. DH has been amazing, looking after us during his paternity leave. I’m breastfeeding so he has done the cooking, dishes, washing, constantly handed me food/drinks when I’ve been trapped on the bed/sofa feeding DS. DH went back to work this week. We’re first time parents and I’m struggling to manage basic tasks as DS won’t sleep unless held and doesn’t like the sling. I’m finding it hard to do anything and I’m hating feeling so dependent on DH. Today he was was working from home 9-3:30 and had arranged to meet a couple of friends in one of their gardens straight after. He took the car as he didn’t want to drink. I ended up having a difficult night, DS started cluster feeding at 4pm, I’d not been able to empty out the washing I put in this morning or cook our tea, I’ve also a raging sore throat. I ended up knackered, hungry and in tears as I just felt utterly useless. Around 8:30 DH had texted to see how DS and I were. I had said we were ok but mentioned the feeding. At 9:50 DH texted to say he was coming home soon. I rang him and said I’d had a difficult night and hadn’t cooked yet and that I’d been upset, he was lovely and said he would sort food and was coming back. I felt bad telling him that I had struggled as I wanted him to have a good night and not feel bad for going out but I was so relieved he was heading back. After an hour he still wasn’t back so I went upstairs to try and get DS sleep. DH didn’t end up getting home till over 2 hours later and I’m so annoyed with him. His excuse was that he couldn’t leave immediately as his 2 friends hadn’t finished their drink and he agreed to drop them home but got lost as he took a wrong turn. I told him that I thought he was coming straight back and that I really needed the help. He’s apologised and while we didn’t argue he could tell I was really unhappy. I know he feels awful and we’ve gone to bed without saying anything more but there was a really bad atmosphere. Now I’m wide awake as DS has woken for another feed and it’s on my mind. Am I unreasonable to feel annoyed?

How would you have responded if it had been you going out for several hours, leaving him alone with a newborn?
If he'd hit some issues, wouldn't you have rushed home straightaway to help and support? Or even take over?
Please don't be apologetic for expecting your dh to be a joint parent here.

@Takesonetowriteone

The first time my H went out when my baby was born (about three weeks old) was a nightmare. He got so drunk he broke his phone. When he eventually came home, he kept trying to lift the sleeping baby out of his basket and I made his parents come and get him as he was in such a state. He wasn’t nasty or aggressive just an absolute state. In their infinite wisdom, his parents dropped him home again at 5:30am (seriously) so he could ‘help with the baby’. Well, I had been fast asleep and he woke me and the baby barrelling in through the door. The baby was a damn sight easier to manage than the husband who came home, who was still drunk and in such a state he threw up until lunchtime.

So, you know you’re being a bit unreasonable. He sounds generally quite great. Babies are hard, you are coping, you’re just feeling dependent and having that person leave you for a bit is destabilising. You’re doing a good job and as my story attests, it could have been worse

@Takesonetowriteone Is your H still here to tell the tale after that one?! 😳😳😳 Mine wouldn’t have been. Mine came home in that state a couple of times before we had a baby together and I still cast it up when I want him to do something 🤣🤣🤣 “Remember the times I stayed up all night to make sure you didn’t choke and die on your own vomit at the age of 29??! Go and do the laundry! 🤣”

Mine was like that too. Wouldn’t be put down ever. It was a total nightmare. I didn’t know that some babies wouldn’t sleep in a cot or basket. I had to do everything one handed for months. I used to get the thing where I wanted my partner to come home. And hated being dependent. Just think of it like, he was having a lovely time and try to feel happy that he lost track of time a bit. (Obvs not if he’s out every night and being a dick). My husband was also great so I tried to turn those times he was out around and just feel happy for him, even if I was really struggling. It was once every few months that he went out. It didn’t always work and a few times he had to cancel coz I was so beyond tired and burnt out. You do need to communicate better if you’re really struggling. In a few months it’ll be easier coz your baby will be able to sit up and that’s a lot easier.

Oh I really feel for you op. My first (now a teenager!) wouldn't be put down and it was so bloody hard. I remember the stress and the tears all too well.

DH would make me a plate of lunch and leave it in the fridge before he went to work. I would also stock up on meals I could bung in the microwave. He cooked dinner every evening when he got in from work as I was trapped under a cluster feeding baby. Buy a decent travel mug for your hot drinks, that way if it takes you a couple of hours to drink a cuppa it'll still be hot.

Fuck the house work. Honestly fuck it. You and dh can take it in turns to do a bit on his days off, but seriously lower your standards for a few months.

Your husband sounds lovely .Kind and patient ,however he isnt a Saint and nor are you! First babies are very hard going ,plus you will feel tired and emotional as well.I think arguments or misunderstandings are inevitable during those first few months .Take it easy and chill a little .He possibly lost track of the time when out ,and you were obv feeling a little "abandoned " while he was out, thats all .Maybe just get some frozen food in .Also some snacks /fruit /veg /Dip that sort of thing to snack on .

Yanbu. You are not at the stages of either of you getting long nights out. It may not seem fair to say no to him going out but your baby is only 6 weeks old. You don't get to go out, or have a break so he shouldnt feel hard done to either. His focus should be on you and the baby. Plenty time for long nights out but not when you have a velcro baby. He couldve stuck to the original plan and been home early and helped you with dinner. He still wouldve seen his friends. My baby hated the sling. I got an ergobaby embrace carrier and she slept in that. Would only sleep for naps being held in the house. Also the pram and car worked great for naps.

@KM38 he made an already hard situation so much harder and he did have the worst hangover remorse I’ve ever seen. I calmly (read: icily) explained to him what he had done and walked away from him. He was so ashamed. He did have form for already going a bit turbo so I merely pointed you don’t get to indulge yourself in that way when your wife has had a CS and you’re both brand new parents.
He’s not done it since. But as it’s been lockdown, I’m not taking that as too much of a win.

Definitely change from cluster feeding and get a bit of your life back!!

@CallmeHendricks

How would you have responded if it had been you going out for several hours, leaving him alone with a newborn? If he'd hit some issues, wouldn't you have rushed home straightaway to help and support? Or even take over? Please don't be apologetic for expecting your dh to be a joint parent here.

Right? Feel like I’m on another planet here.

I can’t imagine a mother posting here about leaving a newborn with the father, being told he was struggling and staying out several more hours anyway. She’d be ripped to shreds.

I don’t think you were at all unreasonable - you said this garden thing started early? He’s got a six week old baby at home with a sleep deprived mum - he could have stayed for an hour or two and come home.

I would have been upset too.

Also, I had twins so physically couldn’t hold them whenever they cried - but then I got 4Moms Rockaroos on gumtree and they loved them. Then we moved to second hand baby bjorn bouncers (also amazing and so much better than the crappy bouncer I tried previously). Life saving!

Is there a time of day baby is more settled OP? I realised that between sort of 9.30am and 10.30am most days that my DD was really settled and happy to lay on her play mat/sit in her swing and watch me or listen to music for a decent amount of time. That was when I cooked dinner, I put it in the slow cooker so I could just serve it or made sure it was properly cooked so I could just microwave it in the evening when there is no way I could put my cluster feeding monster down. This was also a good time to shower, to chuck on some washing and sit and have a coffee in peace! The rest of the day I didn't do much other than feed her but it does get easier and you do need to look after yourself too. My motto was, and some days still is, all fed, none dead my DH is out of the house 14hrs a day/night on various shifts and I had a lot of time to work out what works on my own. Keep a big water bottle near you and I had a cool bag full of snacks to eat if I got trapped too. You mention a sling, is it a baby carrier or a stretchy wrap? My DD loved the stretchy wrap but despised the carrier until she was sitting up basically.

OP,
He sounds like a good man trying his best.

But sitying under a baby constantly is exhausting.

Every time any cooking is done, do treble.

Be it simple mince, a pasta sauce, a curry, treble the amount and freeze.

Have plenty of beans, eggs and bread in the freezer.

Beans on hot buttered toast, topped with cheese and a egg was a very nourishing tasty bite.

Waffles with the above are delicious.

Make sure you are drinking enough water.
Have it close to hand.

Dehydration is a big thing with new breastfeeding mums and it makes you feel more tired and head achy.

Have some protein bars in the house so that you can have something quick on the go.

I loved fig rolls.
Also I used to make a power smoothie.
Full of orange juice, bananas,protein powder, berries and cod liver oil.

Very filling and nutritious and could be drank in seconds.
Food on the go is important.

Mind yourself, it gets easier.
Oh and accept ANY offers of a meal!

It sounds like I am being a bit unrealistic about what Ive been expecting to be able to do at this point.

I had one that slept a lot but only on me and totally get this. Honestly OP, if your baby is fed and kept reasonably clean, you are doing a great job. If you manage to have a shower some days, that is Olympic level parenting.

I had one that wouldn’t be put down and God it was hard. I did not understand how anyone ever managed to do anything at all with a baby in the house - until I had my second who would gurgle happily on a playmat for ages!

First one grew out of it eventually. It does get better

Ahhh, those first few weeks!

Your DH sounds considerate at least.

We lowered our standards and left the housework. Baby born pre Covid so I was out and about a lot from early on anyway.

What I found is that rather do bits here and there, I preferred to leave housework until DH was home so he had baby.

When on mat leave after a day with baby I was more than happy to get a ‘break’ by doing the cooking/cleaning while DH was here.

We also ate a lot of ready meals or cooked double so leftovers.

Historically DH did 50:50 cleaning btw, now it’s probably 60:40 as I have more availability but he usually occupies/cares for DC while I clean.

As with a PP I always showered before he left for work, he would hang any washing and make sure I had lunch.

Hi OP

I dont think you're beinf unreasonable. Maybe if your baby was 6 months old and you were saying he couldnt go out, but your baby is still tiny and incredibly hard work and to be honest while it's like this I dont think its right for him to go out for hours and hours and leave you home for an entire day by yourself when you're struggling.

I remember that stage and getting so frustrated, I couldn't even manage to empty the dish washer. One day I remember crying because I had some online banking to do, a 10 min job or less, and I just couldn't understand why I didnt manage it.

Your baby will change (I remember around 10 weeks was quite a turning point for us) and find something that they like doing for a few minutes. There are some velcro babies that still wont like being put down at that age and you then need to plan around it eg make your food the night before or have ready meals that you dont need to cook. And then you have to put your baby down somewhere safe and step away even if they are crying. Because you need to do the minimum to look after yourself, you need to eat and drink and go to the loo and have a shower even if your baby hates it. I used a bouncy chair next to the shower and sometimes they cried but at least they could see me and know they weren't alone.

Its shit and so much harder than people imagine but it does get better

Your husband sounds lovely op.

The years fly by and you'll wish you could go back to when they were small believe it or not

Mine are 12, 13 and 14 now and the baby days are easy in comparison!

Glad you've sorted it out op. First babies are such a hard work (especially when you are bf) and are such a shock to the system, regardless of how prepared you think you are.

You both need to be kind to yourselves. Sounds like he's supporting you which is great.

@KM38 Mine came home in that state a couple of times before we had a baby together and I still cast it up when I want him to do something 🤣🤣🤣 “Remember the times I stayed up all night to make sure you didn’t choke and die on your own vomit at the age of 29??! Go and do the laundry! 🤣”

☝🏻 you sound like his mother. He's an adult and doesn't need to be reminded forever that he got carried away drinking.
Also, why are you forcing him to do laundry?

[quote Veronika13]@KM38 Mine came home in that state a couple of times before we had a baby together and I still cast it up when I want him to do something 🤣🤣🤣 “Remember the times I stayed up all night to make sure you didn’t choke and die on your own vomit at the age of 29??! Go and do the laundry! 🤣”

☝🏻 you sound like his mother. He's an adult and doesn't need to be reminded forever that he got carried away drinking.
Also, why are you forcing him to do laundry?
[/quote]
Because he wears clothes and as an adult man should contribute to the running and maintenance of the household, surely?! or do you not believe men should have to do housework?

Because he wears clothes and as an adult man should contribute to the running and maintenance of the household, surely?! confused or do you not believe men should have to do housework?

100% this @Voomster953 🤣🤣
@Veronika13 It’s really not that serious. He is not “reminded forever” of the time he got carried away drinking 🤣 but yes, it is occasionally brought up in a lighthearted fashion! And yes, he is absolutely forced to do the laundry 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 he hates doing it and will avoid it at all costs - happily does is fair share of other housework but hates the laundry. I can’t say it’s my favourite job either so yup, sometimes he’s forced 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's a bit much that he was working and then went out for what sounds like a long time (even before he left and got lost).
When you said you were struggling he should have left. Are his friends more important than you and his baby?
My baby is older and not breastfeeding anymore but I'd still be annoyed if my husband was out for that long. He's got plenty of time for that once your baby is a bit older.

Haven’t read the full thread.

I had a child I couldn’t put down, had to do everything one handed. Bought a swing, it was amazing. I’ve bought one as a gift for all my friends that have had babies since!

The early days are tough. I don’t think your husband did much wrong, it sounds as though he has been really supportive.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. Those first 6 weeks are the hardest. It sloooooowly gets better and easier until one day it feels normal.

I remember there being times when my husband would say ask if I minded him going for a drink or a bike ride at the weekend and my instinct was “god I’ve got through the week with this screamy baby and no sleep, with only the promise of some respite at the weekend getting me through and now you want some free time whilst I do the hard sh*t some more?!” ... but the other part of my brain knew that an hours bike ride would do wonders for his well-being, ensure he didn’t feel resentful and probably result in him taking extra good care of me for the other 47 hours of the weekend! So I’d say yes. But also...he knew if I said no that I really meant no and respect that.

Your knackered and it’s too hard, but you sound a good team and that’ll make you great at this xx