To be upset with my DH

[Smiths84]

We’ve a newborn DS. DH has been amazing, looking after us during his paternity leave. I’m breastfeeding so he has done the cooking, dishes, washing, constantly handed me food/drinks when I’ve been trapped on the bed/sofa feeding DS. DH went back to work this week. We’re first time parents and I’m struggling to manage basic tasks as DS won’t sleep unless held and doesn’t like the sling. I’m finding it hard to do anything and I’m hating feeling so dependent on DH. Today he was was working from home 9-3:30 and had arranged to meet a couple of friends in one of their gardens straight after. He took the car as he didn’t want to drink. I ended up having a difficult night, DS started cluster feeding at 4pm, I’d not been able to empty out the washing I put in this morning or cook our tea, I’ve also a raging sore throat. I ended up knackered, hungry and in tears as I just felt utterly useless. Around 8:30 DH had texted to see how DS and I were. I had said we were ok but mentioned the feeding. At 9:50 DH texted to say he was coming home soon. I rang him and said I’d had a difficult night and hadn’t cooked yet and that I’d been upset, he was lovely and said he would sort food and was coming back. I felt bad telling him that I had struggled as I wanted him to have a good night and not feel bad for going out but I was so relieved he was heading back. After an hour he still wasn’t back so I went upstairs to try and get DS sleep. DH didn’t end up getting home till over 2 hours later and I’m so annoyed with him. His excuse was that he couldn’t leave immediately as his 2 friends hadn’t finished their drink and he agreed to drop them home but got lost as he took a wrong turn. I told him that I thought he was coming straight back and that I really needed the help. He’s apologised and while we didn’t argue he could tell I was really unhappy. I know he feels awful and we’ve gone to bed without saying anything more but there was a really bad atmosphere. Now I’m wide awake as DS has woken for another feed and it’s on my mind. Am I unreasonable to feel annoyed?

@Voomster953 @KM38

Because he wears clothes and as an adult man should contribute to the running and maintenance of the household, surely?! or do you not believe men should have to do housework?

☝🏻 ☝🏻 no, why is he forced to do laundry and doesn't do it like a normal adult; is he 15? Is he forced to brush his teeth at night, too? Clip his toenails?

What did he do until his wife came along to force him to do laundry? Wear crusty boxers?
I have so many questions

YABU but fully expected with such a young baby. Don’t worry about it and try not to take anything to heart. I sobbed in the early days for ages when I was home alone, needed a wee, hadn’t eaten yet and had dropped a spoon whilst holding DD. Couldn’t bend down to get it as I was still sore and she was just screaming. Those early days feel so so so long and like it will never end, but it always gets better eventually.

When you’re struggling something needs to give, and that should be the housework. As long as you have clean dishes and clothes, the rest of it can piss off. Try to get some good ready meals or quick foods in (I did a lot of noodle stir frys with cooked frozen prawns, a sauce sachet and frozen veg) and make a little essentials caddy to take around the house with you so you’re not stuck cluster feeding with no snacks/water/phone charger/nipple cream/sore muslin etc.

If you’re struggling with using the sling then defo watch lots of YouTube videos of how to wear your particular brand. I had a close caboo and took me weeks to understand it but when I did, I wore it constantly and DD just slept whilst I got on with things. She’s now 9m and I have since upgraded to one with more support - currently teething so I’ve been learning how to use it with her on my back so she can sleep whilst I cook and potter around the house. Absolute life saver once you figure them out!

My oldest’s 1st 4 months of life was almost the end of our marriage.
It’s bloody hard and I think before babies are born you don’t actually know just how hard it can be.

I understand why you would be upset but would it had been something that upset you pre-baby?
It can be hard to be rational when your lacking sleep and your whole world has shrunk to making sure this tiny new life your in total care of stays alive as well as the jealousy that it doesn’t seem to take over your partners every waking moment like it does yours.
When he wants to go out again one of you make a lunch box or snack box, thermos cup of tea etc for you in easy reach so your not starving while cluster feeding.

Do whatever get you through sleep wise.
You can’t create bad habits in a baby who doesn’t have the higher brain function to work out they aren’t actually a part of you.
If you want to cuddle to sleep then just do it.

Get hold of a good carrier or wrap so you can have your hands free and still have your baby close to you. It was a life saver for me.

There's no way my dh was out with mates in an evening at 6 weeks pp.

The house stuff can wait - you have a newborn to cuddle. Enjoy the early days they go so quick. I know it all seems so overwhelming but and all consuming but your baby is all you need to worry about. Congratulations

[quote Veronika13]**@Voomster953* @KM38*

Because he wears clothes and as an adult man should contribute to the running and maintenance of the household, surely?! or do you not believe men should have to do housework?

☝🏻 ☝🏻 no, why is he forced to do laundry and doesn't do it like a normal adult; is he 15? Is he forced to brush his teeth at night, too? Clip his toenails?

What did he do until his wife came along to force him to do laundry? Wear crusty boxers?
I have so many questions [/quote]
@Veronika13 but I answered your question 🤔 he hates doing the laundry. Happily does his fair share of everything else but will avoid the laundry like the plague hoping the laundry fairy will magically have it back in his wardrobe all ready for him 🤣
No idea what he did before I came along 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fair enough @KM38
Nobody's perfect

OP, you must be exhausted

I think your DH was inconsiderate, but it's hard not to let "freedom" go to your head the first time you go out with friends after having a baby. It is unfair that that usually comes for fathers in most relationships a lot earlier than mothers. I remember being jealous of my DH being back at work and going to work drinks. I wouldn't judge him too harshly if he does his share the rest of the time, though.

I think you need to do picnic meals to make sure you've always got something to eat. So leave baby (even if they're crying) for the time it takes to make up a plate of bread, cheese, fruit, carrot sticks, houmous and other stuff you can just have beside you on the sofa to munch. Also, milk, if you like drinking it. I drank a lot of milk while bf if I ended up skipping meals.

Could you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week? You could be really specific about what you want them to do so you're not having to clean up massively for them...bathrooms, kitchen, general hoover of living areas. Retreat with baby to the bedroom while they are there and get some sleep. That might take some of the pressure of both you and your DH and give you both a bit more energy to get through this stage.

@Veronika13

Fair enough *@KM38* Nobody's perfect

Glad we got that ironed out.