Cant get over the birth of dc

[Leaveitinthepast]

It's taking me a long time (nearly 6 months infact) to admit this. I've had a mental block from speaking about it, and when I do get sudden thoughts on the matter I freeze up with sadness so I try to dismiss is. But I need to talk about it. I dont want it to haunt me forever or get in the way of parenting dc. On paper I guess my birth wasnt anything crazy but the management and neglect I dealt with is what I cant get over. Any help?

I'm tried to write up my complaint today but I just cant. Got one paragraph in but my head refuses to go any further. I just find it way to overwhelming and dont even know where to start.

I need help.

Since starting this thread it's like it has opened a whole can of worms for me. I'm drowning in depression. I'm staying in bed. I've stopped talking to everyone. I've become resentful of everyone around me that hasnt helped and expects me to play happy mums. I'm angry at my none existent health visitor. I cant cope with my relationship. I want to leave but I have no where to go....I dont know how long I can do this

[quote EverdeRose]@TurquoiseLemur

You have had a similar experience to me.

My Debrief brought up more questions. Anything that wasn't by the book was omitted from my notes, so as reason for induction. I was told my baby was in distress and needed to be born, in reality I was 24 hours past my waters breaking, and despite my obs, bloods and ctg being normal they didn't like my plan to give my body 12 more hours. No reason for induction was noted, the notes simply said CTG fine, 24hrs post SROM, plan - pitocin drip.

When I question it I was repeatedly told, its not documented, I can't speak for what isnt there.

The matron who was meant to deal with my complaint told me that it was okay that I was lied to, as they cared about my baby and aren't I happy that baby is here and healthy. When I explained that I cared more for my baby, I'd carried them for 40 weeks, tried to conceive for 3 years. I was told that couldn't be true or I would have done what I was told.

I had a debrief privately. My notes were a shitshow. I was basically lied to, coerced and gaslighted into believing my baby would die if I wouldn't be a good girl. It was rubbish. My baby wasn't in distress, I was doing a fantastic job, it was just taking a little time.

I've checked my hospital statistics since, the day my son was born was their busiest day that month. I'm certain I was induced for bed space.[/quote]
It disgusts me what they do and what they continue to get away with. I do think people who haven't had this kind of experience really don't realize what is involved in making a complaint. (Why would they?) You have the right to make a complaint, there are millions of leaflets all over every healthcare setting imploring us to make a complaint "if things aren't right". . . .then, if you DO complain, they declare war on the complainant, a person who is (by definition) in a very vulnerable state of mind.

The comments of that matron are appalling. No, it is not okay to lie to women! And how dare she dismiss you as a liar.

The irony is that midwifery as a profession likes to present itself as feminist. "We are hear to empower women" etc. You don't empower people by dismissing what they say.

@Leaveitinthepast

I'm tried to write up my complaint today but I just cant. Got one paragraph in but my head refuses to go any further. I just find it way to overwhelming and dont even know where to start.

I need help.

Since starting this thread it's like it has opened a whole can of worms for me. I'm drowning in depression. I'm staying in bed. I've stopped talking to everyone. I've become resentful of everyone around me that hasnt helped and expects me to play happy mums. I'm angry at my none existent health visitor. I cant cope with my relationship. I want to leave but I have no where to go....I dont know how long I can do this

Please speak to the women at the Birth Trauma Association. They are lovely in their own right AND I hope they can point you in the direction of someone IRL who can also help.

I'm so sorry.

Leaveitinthepast the Birth Trauma Association sound like they could be helpful - (we had another support group advising us in pg and they pretty much told us how to complain to get heard) and if you can get into see your GP see what help they can offer.

My ds is 15. I had a horrific birth with him. I just got on with it really.

I was induced at 40+4 as he was measuring big and I’m tiny and I was having some reduced movement.

Induction didn’t work to begin with, had more pessaries. Went into labour, waters were manually broken with knitting needle type thing. Not dilating fast enough, hours passed (36 altogether by the birth) hooked up to drip to dilate faster, contractions so painful, gas and air making me sick. Ds heartrate not doing too well, concern starting, people start coming in and out. Find out he is back to back and not in ideal position. Lots of internal investigation by doctor who arrived and blood tests taken from ds’s scalp and a monitor I believe put on his scalp - no idea how they managed this. Talk about emergency c-section, but potentially more difficult at this stage of labour. Doctor wants a go with forceps although there is some doubt as to whether ds can get right down birth canal in the position he’s in as I have narrow hips and he’s big. They try to turn him. Blurred from here and not quite sure of order of previous happenings, but taken quickly to theatre, DH all quickly scrubbed up and doctor performs an episiotomy (urgh) and has a go at getting ds out. Many people seem to be in theatre now, not that I’m caring who’s having a look, and doctor looking a little worried, but very efficient. DH pale as a ghost. I’m shaking like mad and have gone into a rigor. Doctor appears to be up to his elbows in me and it’s all quite blurry from there. DS eventually born with foreceps looking like a bit of a cone head, but he is thankfully fine. Stitches internally and externally for me. Was in hospital a week as my milk didn’t come in and ds got dehydrated until they relented and let me bottle feed, and he ended up under lights for jaundice.

I didn’t go back for a second.
I’ve never really thought of it as a trauma, but in many ways looking back I think I did have some PTSD afterwards, but I didn’t really have time to consider myself in all of it. You’re certainly not alone I’m having a traumatic birth, I’ve heard some horrific tales. I tried to reframe it by thinking that I was lucky that we have medical interventions now that mean so many more babies are delivered healthy - only a few decades ago me and ds could easily have both died in that situation.

It’s hard, and maybe some counselling would help you, but ultimately it is what it is and you both survived.

I have one toddler ds and I won't be having another. The midwife team were lovely but I was very very afraid. No one explained anything crash team in and out, lots of panic and shouting which I was told wouldn't happen. All I remmeb3r is being truly afraid.
I also remember tearing up and down x 3 2nd degree tears and an a doctor trying to stitch my cliterous to stop an arterial tear before I was trnafered to surgery unethetasised. I told him I'd rather die and I meant it,i still to this moment mean it. The dismissal of the mother genuine pain is shocking.

Morning OP, I don’t think I even have anything really helpful to say, but I just wanted to come on my support.

The circumstances around the birth of my son left me with huge emotional issues that even 7 years later I haven’t dealt with. My scenario doesn’t even remotely compare to what you went through but the pain I feel is very real.

When I look back on those first few days around the birth of my son I start to cry.

I can’t listen to women talk about their births either - I have to remove myself from the conversations because emotionally
I just can cope with it.

The situation surrounding my son’s birth would seem so irrelevant to many people if I spoke out about how I felt, I genuinely think they would say, “you are totally overreacting.” and maybe I am.

But no matter what others think, my pain and distress is still so very, very real.

Have you heard of disenfranchised grief surrounding birth trauma? It may help to look into it.

I have also started reading a book called “why birth trauma matters” by a lady called Emma Svanberg and that’s helping too.

It’s good you are already looking to seek support, don’t end up like me, still feeling so many distressing emotions 7 years down the line.

I’m so sorry for what you went though

Yanbu. I had a traumatic birth. My son is in his 20’s now but I still remember every bit of it. Due to complications I had to have surgery which meant I couldn’t give birth again vaginally again. It was 8 years before I had another baby and I had an ELCS. It can stay with you a long time. Definitely seek help and support.

I am so so sorry to read these stories. I had a hard time with my first birth, ended in a section I didn't want after a long, painful induced labour I didn't know I could refuse, hideous callous care on postnatal ward, and the regret and feeling of failure was awful.

Just has my second child during the pandemic, which also alas ended in emergency section despite planning for a home birth (meconium in waters, baby distressed). In theory I ought to be even more traumatised. But actually I am happy with the birth and at peace. For me what made the difference was:

1. preparing for a home birth and being cared for by the home birth team antenatally. Having my midwife appts in my own home instead of in a strange clinic made me feel in control and equal to the midwives rather than like a "patient" who had to do as I was told. Reading EVERYTHING about birth and, most importantly, my rights as a birthing mother, really empowered me to push back against being "steered" and walked over by HCPs. Not that the HB midwives did any of that, as they were supportive and empowering of my choices.

2. joining a home birth group on FB run by a doula. So many birth stories including a lot of hospital births and transfers to hospital prepared me for all different eventualities, so much good evidence provided about rights meant I was bolshy as fuck once I was in hospital and no-one dared try to force me or manipulate me. All women should be part of these groups through pregnancy, would be so much better than the highly variable offering from the NCT in terms of preparing you for labour and guiding you through antenatal and postnatal care.

3. was just luck - exquisitely sensitive and caring postnatal support both in and out of hospital. The recovery midwife after my section was an angel and that really set the tone for my mental approach to my brith experience. She really looked after me. She dressed me and washed me and talked to me kindly. Massive difference to my first birth where I was basically left to get on with it and denied proper pain relief. Was cared for postnatally by the home birth midwives again despite my hospital birth as part of continuity of care and it was amazing.

What I'm trying to say is, second birth doesn't have to compound the trauma even if it isn't the dream birth that heals the previous horror. If you can be informed, empowered and have good caregivers (never be afraid to say you want someone NOT to treat you and demand someone else, that is your right and one no-one goes out of their way to tell you!) it can make even another "bad" birth a healing experience as YOU are in charge and not just being "done to".

So sorry OP you are struggling so hard and not being heard. The doula who runs the group I mentioned is called Samantha Gadsden - I haven't used her personally but she runs an amazing group and I believe does post birth trauma counselling remotely. I hope you find healing x

@Leaveitinthepast I had a similar experience a couple of years ago. Not monitored properly and ended in an emergency c section. The hospital should do an investigation into it automatically as it was an emergency c section. You should receive a copy of this. From that, if they accept fault you can claim compensation. It's quite straight forward - no fee kind of thing. I decided to do this as a last resort, after being diagnosed with PTSD and depression, antidepressants and counselling etc. For me it's about closure. Good luck.

@Draineddraineddrained

I'm waving frantically at you as even though your not outed I'm sure it's the same group I'm in too. It's bloody good isn't it!!!

Birth trauma can take months to kick in. By its very nature, first you have physical recovery in less than ideal circumstances, then there's the mental adjustment to motherhood. There simply isn't time and space to process it sooner.

Communication is so important through maternal care. Both of my births resulted into being whisked into theatre, but the second birth was not traumatic like the first because of simple things like my MW bending down to my ear to tell me gently why she was about to push the red button and that things were about to get very busy. The way post-surgery women are dumped on the postnatal ward and left to fend for themselves and learn to deal with a new baby is barbaric. I think it is a not insignificant factor in British breastfeeding statistics as women need to rest and heal for their milk to come in.

There is good advice on possible routes to take. You have been failed at every stage, prenatally to postnatally. It is no wonder that you are traumatised
Time does heal, but that's not a reason to leave it be. It does matter, but it gradually becomes a smaller part of the motherhood existance.

Birth is unpredictable and can be a pretty brutal physical experience but that's no excuse for a culture of shoddy care, blame games and lack of organisation and communication. Too many women and babies are systematically failed.