Cant get over the birth of dc

[Leaveitinthepast]

It's taking me a long time (nearly 6 months infact) to admit this. I've had a mental block from speaking about it, and when I do get sudden thoughts on the matter I freeze up with sadness so I try to dismiss is. But I need to talk about it. I dont want it to haunt me forever or get in the way of parenting dc. On paper I guess my birth wasnt anything crazy but the management and neglect I dealt with is what I cant get over. Any help?

We crossed posted. I'm so sorry for how you were treated.

I am so sorry to hear that you went through this. I had what felt like a brutal birth experience with DD1, and writing about it on here was both cathartic and healing.

I strongly recommend a debrief - also I found the Birth Trauma Ass really good.

I'm sorry you where treated that way - women deserve so much better - I hope you find support to heal

Thankyou everyone for your advice. I'm sitting in my bathroom on verge of tears and shaking. remincising and reliving it all makes me feel sick. I'm disgusted that this has happened to me and feel so robbed of everything. I've been trying to focus on the fact that my daughter is here and happy and healthy. But this is all like a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that keeps crawling it's way to the front. My dm said I should complain but I just wasnt in the right head space at the time and felt very deflated about it. I doubt they would care. It wouldnt do me any justice and I'm sure especially during covid and the way things have been they have plenty of complaints. It makes me feel like doing it would be pointless. But the debrief I will definitely look into

@Hankunamatata

Firstly make a gp appointment and get yourself some support. If your worried about anything with baby contact GP, if HV isnt replying.

I'd ask for a birth debrief and you can make a complaint to pals - write down what you have written here and give it to them.

I agree, make a complaint. The way you were treated is not right. And make an appointment with your GP for support your HV isn't providing.

Hi OP

That does sound horrific. The lack of follow up or a coherent plan must have been very frustrating and I can imagine feeling a complete lack of control. I had a shit birth even though most of the medical staff were good and it haunted me for a few months. In your case, lack of communication and blaming you for some of their own decisions must have made a stressful time even worse. You must feel so let down.

Here's what I would do - investigate a birth debrief in your area. Do this to talk about what happened once you got into hospital for the induction.

Once you've done this I'd complain to the hospital/ PALS, as they clearly need to improve their communication between various departments and following up on treatment plans and making accurate patient notes etc.

I'd also speak to a no win no fee solicitor about medical negligence as it sounds to me like their negligence (not doing the induction when they said they would) directly contributed to the baby being too big which led to an emergency section with all the associated mental and physical issues that brings. Not necessarily with the intention of suing but it would be good to know their opinion and whether they think you would have a case should you want to bring one (eg if the first two actions don't ilicit a response).

And maybe look into counselling, I know you havent had a great experience in the past but there will be counsellors who are focussed on this specific issue

I’m so sorry xx

You would probably need a debrief first before making a complaint. I did both and found it helpful in helping to understand why things happened.

The duty of candour in the NHS means that the midwife conducting your debrief should be honest. I found this to be the case. The response to my complaint from the trust was a bit 'arse covery' but it was still helpful because it uncovered further information.

Time does help as well, though you would need to make a complaint within a year of your treatment (if that's what you want to do). As pp said, don't expect a debrief or complaint to make it all better, but in my experience it does help.

Best wishes

@DrinkFeckArseBrick thankyou for that in depth advice. Who would I need to inquire to for the debrief? Honestly the lack of communication was horrific. When I found out my induction hadn't been booked and I had to wait past the advised time I ended up ringing 111 as i had a bad heart palpitation attack ( from the stress). I was having an episode of 30 plus heart palpitations one after the other. I thought my heart was going to give. It was all just so bad. I honestly feel so upset right now.

In my area, your GP needs to refer to the midwife led debrief clinic. I would start there.

You don't need a debrief, you need to make an official complaint through PALS

I agree.

I had an awful experience with my DC. Awful, negligent midwife. Horrendous labour. No one listened to me. Dismissed my concerns.
My baby had to be resuscitated.

They left me, legs in stirrups for hours after while I waited for a theatre slot to repair the damage. I needed a year of physio after and needless to say, things down there never fully recovered.

There were other issues too both during and after the birth. A lot like you say, left to look after a newborn alone with no help, despite recovering from surgery, having a catheter etc. Not being given any food because I couldn’t get out of bed to get it. Then wondering why I’m having so many problems trying to breastfeed. I could go on.

I wrote it all down. It was a very cathartic experience. I sent the letter recorded delivery to the CEO of the hospital.

There was an investigation and I received an apology and steps were taken to try and make sure this didn’t happen to anyone else. I retained the right to take legal action but decided against this.

Unfortunately you have to keep knocking on doors for help. Kick them down! Make them listen to you. Don’t stay at home quietly, slowly losing your mental health.

I’m as sure as I can be that I suffered PTSD type symptoms after my experience. I should have sought more help then I did as it took me years to recover.

I guess what makes it worse is that I've been in denial and trying to carry on. But I get these moments when I'm alone or start thinking and all these memories brings me right back to how I felt during this all. It's been ruining my relationship and I've been having mini breakdowns when it all gets too much and I guess to my dp it looks random and my behaviour is sporadic. I come across unhinged when it happens. He then says I need a counsellor and once I calm down that's all that comes out of it. He doesnt mention it again until my next breakdown. It's just all such a mess. I'm not resentful to the nhs as my dm works there. But definitely towards the drs and useless midwives involved. The only person that was okay towards me was my personal midwife

I had a debrief with a midwife after a traumatic birth and it helped me immensely. I was still in hospital though as me and baby were there for a week.

I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf. You should complain and dont worry about it being a while after the experience. Write down everything you can remember. In particular you should complain about the way you were spoken to and treated by that group of doctors, and the break down in communication with your GP or midwife service about the timeline to your 38 wk. You deserve to be treated with respect and care. I dont think you had that.

Yet another example of neglect of women's health. It's sexism, plain and simple. Bloody dispicable.

Can we ask your age, op?

So sorry for your trauma

My daughters birth was very violent, too much intervention and a lack of proper monitoring and care. It left me very traumatised and; at the encouragement of the HV I wrote a letter of concern to the hospital. Their reply was very dismissive and it put me off pursuing a debrief.

It took about a year to come to terms with what happened. I will always feel aggrieved, but I think time really did help. And talking to as many people as would listen to the unedited version.

It might help to write it all down, and see if you can connect some of your current feelings with the events that took place.

I’m sorry you have to go through this OP

I had a very traumatic birth with my youngest and developed PTSD.

EMDR therapy helped enormously, I would also reccomend a debrief. I didn't have a debrief myself as I was too unwell at the time it was mentioned, but I'm going to be having one now (2 years on) as I'm pregnant again and want to be able to put it to bed completely once and for all.

So sorry to read what you went through OP, it's no wonder you feel traumatised.

I’m just reading through some of the other responses and wanted to say that having the complaint on file did ensure that the care I received during my next pregnancy was exceptional.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault. You and your baby deserved better.

I had a traumatic birth experience with DS just over a year ago. The neglect we received from medical staff verged on cruelty, in my opinion.

I had a debrief (requested via GP) and that helped a bit.

The midwife who did the debrief then wrote up and sent me the notes from our conversation. I forwarded these to PALS to make a complaint. I wouldn't have felt up to writing it all out myself at that time, but as she'd done it I felt a complaint was manageable. My complaint was upheld and I received an unreserved apology from the hospital. That helped a bit too.

I still have times when I struggle with what happened to us. I'm happy and grateful to have a healthy DS of course, but I'm still so so angry at how we were treated.

I'm starting some sessions with a psychologist soon. Not sure it will work, but worth a try.

Maybe start off with requesting a debrief, then see how you feel after that?

@Susannahmoody at the time I was 23. My family definetly think my age hasnt a big contributing factor into it which was why the drs felt it was okay to undermine me and instead of put their hands up and admitting they had done wrong they passed the blame to me. Alot of it , if not all of it,was errors on their behalf. I also think that's why the nurse felt to make that comment to me during labour about how I looked scared and she thought I wasn't going to cope, which to me is just utterly inappropriate. Little do they know I've suffered serve ibs that has made my pain threshold quite high. And all things considering I managed without gas and air until the last two three hours of my labour even the midwife that was on my birthing ward was surprised. It was only when everything spiralled out of control that I started panicking

Sorry for the spelling errors I'm just so upset cant type right!

[Flowers] nothing to add really but just to say I read your thread and I feel for you. I hope your GP can help you with dealing with how you are doing right now.

[quote EverdeRose]@Leaveitinthepast

You don't need a debrief, you need to make an official complaint through PALS.

They way you were treat throughout your pregnancy and labour is horrific. You deserved much better.[/quote]
Completely agree. Debrief is where you have the events of you labour and the actions midwifes or doctors took explained to help you understand why the things that happened happened. You have been massive failed by so many health care professionals who should have been taking care of you. I would take this further. Things don't change unless people kick up shit.
How old are you OP? I would be interested what age you have to get to to be able to handle labour. Very strange thing for that midwife to say.

It took me ten years to admit that giving birth had traumatised me. I recently had EMDR and I really recommend it.

Sorry, just saw you are 23. I had my first at 18. No one told me I wouldn't be able to handle the labour because I was young. They didn't say it when I was 23 having my second either.