Cant get over the birth of dc

[Leaveitinthepast]

It's taking me a long time (nearly 6 months infact) to admit this. I've had a mental block from speaking about it, and when I do get sudden thoughts on the matter I freeze up with sadness so I try to dismiss is. But I need to talk about it. I dont want it to haunt me forever or get in the way of parenting dc. On paper I guess my birth wasnt anything crazy but the management and neglect I dealt with is what I cant get over. Any help?

Yet another NHS failure hiding behind the Covid excuse. I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience.

I'm sorry to hear that you had such an awful time. We need to stop with the "a healthy baby is all that matters" mantra.

Covid has been used to excuse shocking standards of care being offered to pregnant women and newborn babies.

That sounds really traumatic. I think you should make an official complaint. Some of that stuff could be down to short staffed but definitely not all of it. It sounds like there was no real communication and things that were supposed to be done, werent, and 5 doctors berating you? There is no excuse for this, and youre the one that has to live with this memory. They need to remember what a significant event childbirth is

This makes me so angry - how many more times do we have to read stories like this of women being treated badly before something is down. How can care be so poor across so many hospitals!
I had some similar experiences to you but not as bad - instead of a c section which I requested they proceeded to rip the baby out which caused big blood loss and took months to recover from - oh, and they changed their mind on the transfusion to fix the blood loss so I have minimal recollection of the first months due to severe brain fog from anaemia

I guess the thing that makes me most cross is the leaving of a woman after surgery and with a catheter to take care of a new born - its crazy, wrong and dangerous.

Oh, and one of my favourite sayings around 'your body won't give you something that you can't handle' what a load of nonsense! Stop taking a one size approach to all

@Leaveitinthepast

I will try to keep it short. I am a ftm. During my pregnancy I had alot of mess around with appointments not followed through or being booked for me and tests that should have been done for possible complications weren't done in the right way. This meant alot of distress and worry on my behalf because I never really knew what was going on with me or if I was being treated for the right thing. I was blamed upon for alot. I am a small woman with a tall partner so form about 20 weeks my baby was identified as big. I was given lots of growth scans and was told from there on out I was looking at an early induction no later that 38 weeks to help me stand a chance of a natural birth. I was okay with that. I never had any expectations for my birth nor had a plan, I just wanted what was best for me and baby.

Fast forward to being 37 weeks pregnant. I had heard nothing and was wondering what was going to happen about the birth of my baby considering she was still measuring too big for me. I rang up numerous midwives and finally was told I was put on a big baby trial. I was furious. I was meant to be done for an induction. Anyways after alot more chasing up i finally spoke to a dr and turns out I was never mean to be on this trail due to my (never confirmed) gestational diabetes and the fact that I was meant to have an induction by 38 weeks. I was told I would be booked in for 38 weeks on the dot and that was that. I could finally breath abit after having a peace of mind now I knew what was going to happen. So then the day before my induction comes along....and I still hear nothing. Again I rang up and chased people. Finally during the end of the day a midwife comes back to me and tells me I had never actually been booked in! It was a reoccurring theme that who ever was telling me things wasnt putting it on my notes or doing anything about it. They then said the only induction time they had available was for when I would be 38 plus 7 days. I explained how all during my pregnancy I was told specifically I need to have my baby by 38weeks to stand a chance. the midwife on the phone reassured me it would be okay. That was that.

Now come my induction. I get called into hospital the night before as it was quite and they wanted me in..due to covid I went In alone and done labour all by myself. The "dr" struggled to put a balloon catheter up me 4 times. It became traumatic. Apparently I was the only person she had this problem with (trying to make me feel like I'm the issue) because my cervix was high. She gave me a sweep and left me alone for the rest of the night and said she would try again in the morning..yaay.
I was alone on the ward all night and the sweep kicked started my show. I was in labour all night on a ward on my own. During the morning the dr came back and gave me a pessary. That really got things going. A nurse that was there expressed her concerned because I was so young that she thought I wasnt going to be able to cope with labour (how reassuring and comforting to hear NOT). Then later that morning, unawaringly to me a group of drs came. There was about 5 of them. They circled around my bed and was introducing themselves to me. I found the whole thing imitating. They then started accusing me of things. Telling me I should of been having a c section and who was it that told me to have an induction. I explained to them all during my pregnancy that I was told this was the best route. They spoke to me in a horrible tone like it was my fault. They told me since I started the induction process and was 5cm dialated I might as well continue and left. I was horrified. I rang my mum crying because I was so scared that I was doing this all wrong. She rang the ward I was on furious and a midwife nurse came to apologise on the drs behalf. She said their intentions wasnt to scare me blah blah. Anyways....

Leading onto the birth. I was finally dilated enough to go to the birthing ward. My partner could be here for this bit which made me feel better. I ended up taking gas and air and was to wait till 5 to see if I progressed. I took pethedine and was completely out of it. Then all the sudden I snapped awake from my out of consciousness. I knew something was wrong with me. I was feeling a gushing sensation from down below and couldnt stop it. My partner rang the alarm button and before I knew it all those same drs were filling the room once again all looking at me. One was examing me, another was trying to comfort me as I was shaking uncontrollably the others were all sitting back and watching. I was so disoriented and thought me and the baby was going to die. The dr explained it was my hind waters coming through. I was so out of it but I heard them say babys heart rate dropping. They put a monitor on her head. There was poo in my waters. She was stressed. Stressed because she should of never been birthed this way into the world. I didnt stand a chance pushing her. She was stuck. She was too big. Surprise surprise. The drs explained and asked for consent to do emergency c section. Of course I agreed and she came into the world healthy thank god. But I had been through 8 hours of unnecessary labour, and my baby went through trauma unnecessarily. I was a wreck. My partner had to leave me due to covid restrictions and I could barely stop my eyes from rolling after she was born. I was taken up to a ward and left my baby. I couldnt feel or move the lower half of my body and was expected to suddenly look after this newborn baby whilst I was in out and out of consciousness all alone. I had a button to press to ask for the nurses but they rarely ever came. I had a lady opposite me on the ward with her baby and the nurse that wheeled me into my spot never closed my curtain so I was naked on display to everyone walking by. 4 times I kept ringing and asking the midwifes to put my baby in her crib as I was so out of it and scared she would fall but they kept saying for that they would need to dress her first and would leave to get clothes and not come back, or they would tell me she was best with me and left me alone.

I know this was long and I'm thankful if you made it this far. I just need to keep in all these key details even writing it made me sick with rage and upset. I've started shaking again. My healthvistor is useless. She took 3 months to get back to me the first time ( excused herself as she had to go away from work and I thought understandable since we was in the middle of a pandemic) but we had an appointment and I lightly explained my mh wasnt good so she booked me in for another check up. It's been another 3 months and I've heard nothing. I even messaged her inbetween as my dc had a hernia and I was worried it was a block in her stomach and I got no response or apology back. Its pathetic. I understand the situation we are living in but there is no excuse for this. They have ruined my first birthing experience. They have traumatised me and my DC's entry into the world. I want to scream at them!

From start to finish op you were in the hands of people who forgot their humanity. When you were in the most vunerable of states, at a time of greatest need you were let down by each and evey encounter pre birth and post birth, and thoroughly.

This will take an awfully long time to process. So many elements with so many people all behaving the same way to you will be hard to shift.

There is obviously a complete failure of leadership in that hospital, and the culture of it needs a complete overhaul. I would set about writing to all in sundry now looking for answers, and exposing this. A Facebook group for mothers who gave birth there to share experiences may be an interesting starting point. Local newspapers could be interested in the story.
I spent a lot of my youth knocking around hospitals due to parents work. They always said the most important person in any hospital is the patient. Sadly that has been lost in a lot of the modern hospitals.

Give yourself time, and patience to process this one OP. What you describe would fell any woman.

It gets better with time. it is hard after a difficult labour and some hospitals offer a chance to have a debrief and understand decisions better, which might help.

I too am not convinced counselling is particularly helpful. It happened, you are mentally and physically changed forever. I think getting to a place where you can accept this is all that really helps. You went into pregnancy imagining perfect, as many women do, but sadly birth can be a hard process. I think acknowledging that, understanding it isn't your fault and knowing how common post birth emotional trauma is puts it into perspective a little and makes it permissible to feel sad for the perfect birth you wanted.

In my experience, it helps you to understand how strong you are, what you are capable of coping with and longer term that is a good thing. I think for me, coming to terms with a truly grim labour and birth took me longer than coming to terms with a stillbirth, I wouldn't have chosen either but I society accepted my being very sad when I lost a baby but minimised the feelings around a traumatic birth.

If it helps, I think it took me about a a year to move on from it, although I appeared to be fine to the outside world. Longer term, it hasn't affected my relationship with my child or my husband, who was possibly more traumatised than me at the time.

I was left with PTSD symptoms after DD1 birth although I didn’t hit enough criteria to be diagnosed with it. I did many sessions with maternal mental health services which were amazing and then I did birth reflections when I was strong enough. Doing birth reflections without the counselling would have made things worse. I did need more sessions with service in the run up to DD2 births.

OP you really need a debrief. This is usually done by a senior midwife, with you and your pregnancy notes. You need to be given the information regarding the management of your labour and delivery: you can be helped to make a complaint. I had a very difficult time with DC1 and honestly, it was only when I became a midwife myself that I could see the shortcomings. I was determined that no other woman would be treated like that.
Truly, if you do go down the complaint route it will be handled sensitively and correctly. At least in my experience.
In the meantime please speak to your GP.
Congratulations OP and take care 💐

@Leaveitinthepast
I empathise..
My sons birth was less than ideal and very painful
Pethidine robbed me of the experience as was so out of it, a red sea of pain that was happening a million miles away.

But... we had a healthy live child.
I focus on that.

Many have far from idealised births, esp a first baby.

I too had a painful sweep at 22 that felt like he was sweeping a chimney.

Hope you come to terms with it.

Wow, I can't believe how many errors there were in your care. Absolutely disgusting and I'm not at all surprised you feel the way you do. Your story has made me furious. Agree with above posters re. PALS.

@oakleaffy

With all respect, your comment about 'we have a healthy live child' is extremely unhelpful and sums up the entirety of the issues with maternity services today.

There seems to be some misconception that as long as you get a baby, you have to class whatever horrific experience you have had as par for the course. The OP isn't talking about a painful or long labour, she's described being treat as less than human by the people whose hands she put her andchef child's life into. Sweeping it under the carpet with a 'your baby is healthy, concentrate on that' is exactly the reason this widespread abuse is able to continue.

OP they should be ashamed at how they treat you. But they won't be. Too many working in maternity services forget that the mother is a human and not merely a baby bringing vessel. They set you up to fail from the start. A debrief won't change that, they'll just try to make excuses of why they had to treat you as less than human.

My hospital offers a “birth after-thoughts” service, does yours do anything similar? Can you tell us which health board you are with and we can look to see what might be available?

Or talk about it here? We can listen.

You don't need a debrief, you need to make an official complaint through PALS.

I think this as well - as go to GP if HV is being useless for support.

I had terrible care in thrid pg - complained after second lot of provable lies -hoping it would improve - it did not still put me and baby at unnecessary risk - the manager who came to do debrief did make all the right noises but same time I got impression it was being swept away.

I thinking knowing I had complained helped - the problems weren't anything to do with me -and talking to other mothers I found I wasn't only mother to have had issues at that unit.

My midwife today said that they’ve set up a debrief service in the past 18 months. Phone the maternity unit during office hours and they should be able to signpost you. It may be worth having PALS involved for support and further input.
My first birth was awful but my second has been such a lovely experience due to me making decisions based on my first debrief. I hope you get some of the answers you deserve.

@Leaveitinthepast
I'd really caution you about the debrief. They usually cause more questions than they give answers. They are done in the interest of the trust and cover the arses or their staff.

Its amazing how many sets of notes conveniently disapear after debrief but before a complaint is made.

I'd be tempted to make a request for your notes and review them, speak to a private midwife or even a highly trained Doula may be able to shed light on things. Then write your complaint up, be sure to include what you want addressing and what you wish to gain from the complaint.

Speak to your GP about a referral to the perinatal mental health team, thry can help with CBT EMDR and talking therapies. And trust me after a debrief you're going to want to talk to someone.

OP, I’m so sorry you were treated like this. I’m from the Birth Trauma Association, and we hear a lot of stories like this, unfortunately. If you need advice on seeking counselling or making a complaint, do feel free to email us at [email protected]. You are also welcome to join our Facebook group, www.facebook.com/groups/thebta

My debrief was definitely very helpful and gave lots of answers. They were very good at explaining why decisions were made that I felt I didn’t have any input into, so I came away feeling reassured. I’m clinical nhs staff (although no maternity experience) and they wouldn’t have been able to lie to cover themselves.
It might be useful for you to write a timeline from your perspective to compare to the notes to see why decisions weren’t followed up on their side.

I second the perinatal mental health team.
They are trained to speak to women who have struggled during birth. All the people I know who saw one of their counsellors said they were great.

And other than that PALS. The care you received was atrocious and cannnot be explained by the pandemic.

It’s a total crap shoot both in terms of how it goes physically and the people you end up with caring for you.

People birth huge babies with not even a graze and others have perfectly average or small ones and horrific 4th degree tears. You can try to avoid the hospital by having a home birth and someone in the flat above starts a fire and you end up in a fire engine with no knickers and your neighbours all gathered around (I know this person). You can plan for a natural birth and have a section, you can plan a section and end up with a surprise VBAC (that was me second time around).

I would absolutely do the debrief and complain. But try not to beat yourself up with what ifs - there are infinite ways that it can go.

What the drs said is nonsense. I found it hard to pin my consultant down to an opinion on if I should have a planner section with my second due to size and he was totally non committal despite that being the entire point of me meeting with him. So telling you that mid induction is absurd. Sounds like it was probably one dr and a gaggle of students.

With my first I got sent up to the delivery suite because there was meconium in my waters so I couldn’t stay in the lovely midwife led unit. A dr came in didn’t look at me or address me and just barked that I wasn’t progressing and to start a drip. The midwife told her to do one and that it was progressing fine and I never saw that dr again. Another midwife may well have done it. I think if they had it would have probably just made it more painful and stressful for me as in the end I needed an emergency c-section as due to size and being quite posterior he wasn’t going anywhere (still pushed pointlessly for an hour tho!). I lay there, heard him cry and then I heard someone say ooh he’s big! He was 10lb 2. I had measured big, had a private scan confirming he would be big and they didn’t want to know, my community midwife said it’ll fine when I asked. But I have friends who had the fear of god put in them, were induced early and the babies weren’t big at all.

With my second I got to the hospital with not much time to spare and the triage lady was was shocking. Gave me such a hard time for not being able to lay on my back to be examined, then finally realised my body was basically pushing and shouted at me “this is triage you can’t do this in here” - so I got up and waddled out shouting over my shoulder “where do you want me to go then” - it seems quite funny now but actually is wtf - how dare I turn up about to give birth?! Probably another person would have been totally different. Maybe she was having a bad morning, maybe she was always like that. But these people massively impact on our experiences and even if it is unrealistic that complaining will change everything it has a better chance of doing so than everyone putting up with this type of “care”.

How horrific. I can only imagine what having a baby is like in covid times, it was hardly pleasant in non-covid days! There can be unforseen circumstances in pregnancy and labour but it sounds like you have been massively let down.

Did you log any complaints during the appointments? I imagine if making an official complaint you'd need some sort of evidence to say you had raised concerns?

Also if you were due to have an induction, your maternity book would have logged those details. Every time I had a midwife appointment or scan, the professionals would write a summary of conversations with dates (should anything have happened before I was full term and any new doctors would have a full log of my pregnancy history). Did they not do this with you?

You could ask for a subject to access request from the Trust you saw and see what notes they have on file for you. Unless there is anything incriminating them, or sensitive information, they should not redact the documents. I would also ask for your maternity book to see if it is still available (although I'm not sure what they do with them post labour). That would have all the history of scans and trauma as shown in your heart rate during labour.

Good luck OP, I can only imagine how hard it has been but take step by step. Mental health is on everyone's radar and help is available. Maybe speak to your GP if you don't want a counsellor and they'd be able to sign post you to organisations that may be able to help with birth trauma.

Hope your little one is doing well x

This bought tears to my eyes, I’m really sorry you went through this. Time helps. I had a similar situation (but was pleased with how it was handled to a certain extent. I went through 36 hours of labour to then have emergency c-section as baby was stuck. I couldn’t remember the first 24 hours of my sons life as was drugged up to my eyeballs and exhausted and think I was on the brink of PND because of this. I have heard from others that the debriefing helps. I hope you find a way to move on, I have to a certain extent but still found this post very triggering. Be kind to yourself you have been through a lot, have a good old cry and a big snuggle of your baby. Sending lots of love xx

Thank you for sharing your story with us and trusting us with it. Well done for writing it all down. Copy what you have written and save it.

If you have funds available, I would suggest finding a private midwife who does birth trauma support. I have heard good things about the three step rewind programme. I would ask the midwife if she could help you prepare your complaint to PALS while supporting you in your recovery.

I am sorry you did not receive the support and care you needed or deserved.

Keep talking here.. we are listening.

@BowserJr

Counselling or a birthing debriefing would help.

I was similar OP. I ended up with an emergency c section and I found it very difficult afterwards. I felt like I had been torn in half and no one cared about me, just my baby. I found it very difficult. Having DS2 helped. I reviewed my birthing notes and found out what went wrong the first time. I realised it wasn't my fault and feeling much more informed, I felt in control. I had a positive elective c section.

What I also didn't realise until after I was pregnant again was that a lot of people didn't realise I'd had a section. DH didn't tell any of his family! Once I started talking more about my experience, people apologised to me saying they wouldn't have visited so soon etc if they'd known.

As someone who had a horrific birth experience due to neglect, I'd strongly advise against a birthing debriefing. At the first suggestion of any possible neglect, midwives become very defensive. The one thing you would not get in this situation is the truth. You would far more likely get gaslighting and misinformation. The NHS for all its strengths deals with complaints very poorly and in a way that is adversarial and led by lawyers.

On the other hand, counselling with someone experienced in the field of birth trauma could be really helpful. The Birth Trauma association (think that's the name, they used to be called the Birth Trauma Network) are very understanding and hear the OP's kind of story all the time.

@TurquoiseLemur

You have had a similar experience to me.

My Debrief brought up more questions. Anything that wasn't by the book was omitted from my notes, so as reason for induction. I was told my baby was in distress and needed to be born, in reality I was 24 hours past my waters breaking, and despite my obs, bloods and ctg being normal they didn't like my plan to give my body 12 more hours. No reason for induction was noted, the notes simply said CTG fine, 24hrs post SROM, plan - pitocin drip.

When I question it I was repeatedly told, its not documented, I can't speak for what isnt there.

The matron who was meant to deal with my complaint told me that it was okay that I was lied to, as they cared about my baby and aren't I happy that baby is here and healthy. When I explained that I cared more for my baby, I'd carried them for 40 weeks, tried to conceive for 3 years. I was told that couldn't be true or I would have done what I was told.

I had a debrief privately. My notes were a shitshow. I was basically lied to, coerced and gaslighted into believing my baby would die if I wouldn't be a good girl. It was rubbish. My baby wasn't in distress, I was doing a fantastic job, it was just taking a little time.

I've checked my hospital statistics since, the day my son was born was their busiest day that month. I'm certain I was induced for bed space.