To ask if you've ever pursued a man?

[ponderinginpoughkeepsie]

I was reading a book about Bill Clinton (it did not look favourably on him!) and I got to Monica Lewinsky. She was quite open about her being the pursuer, as a 22 year old intern, she knocked on the door and told him she fancied him. She was the more aggressive one, tracking down where he would be and sending him letters. She even wrote a valentines message to him in a newspaper and quotes Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, rather than the female protagonist.
This made me think about how rare that is in history. How rarely we read about a woman setting her sights on a man and just doing all she can to pin him down. I'm quite loud but even with shy DP I still felt like I 'had' to leave it to him to clarify that he felt something for me.
I'd love to hear that it happens, not pursuing in a crossing boundaries sort of way obviously! I'm sure it happens more than I previously thought.

To be honest never have. As a teen/twenties there were many boys/men I'd liked, but never did anything like you describe in your post (I'm not passing any judgement, just stating I've never done that)

Nope, I would think if I needed to pursue someone then they weren’t really interested.!

Very common in affairs. I know of many marriages where the mistress of the cheating husband was very predatory. Psychologists talk about ‘mate poaching’, the husband is seen as higher status than a single man because someone else already has him. Pathetic really!

I have. Not in a predatory way but telling him I liked him and asked him on a couple of dates. I was definitely more interested in him than he was in me.
We dated for a short while but didn't work out. I don't regret taking the lead.

Yep I did. DH was very shy and didn't get my hinting. Took some vodka and a direct approach to make it clear I fancied him. Been together ever since, love him to bits.

This is a really tricky one because I am a fully paid up feminist and in theory I am all for this.

But in practice I have observed that the vast majority of men don’t respond well to a very direct approach from women. They may go for it for one night but there’s this this very primal hard-wiring about the chase in a lot of men. And believe me I have tried enough times to have a proper dataset. You can lead them subtly and give hints etc but most of them are terrified when a woman launches a very explicit seduction.

The other thing I have noticed if you make it clear you are interested and subsequently lose interest in a man without fail they then decide you are a catch.

Depressing really but it’s too obvious a trend to ignore.

Not to that extent obviously but yes I've asked men out, told them I liked them etc.

Nope.

Best bit of advice I ever had was “you know if a man’s interested because he’s there”. If there’s any chasing involved from the woman’s part then it definitely doesn’t have the legs to go the distance. If a man is truly keen you are left in no doubt that he is interested and there’s no chasing required. In theory it shouldn’t have to work like that, but it’s the way it seems to be.

@ponderinginpoughkeepsie

I was reading a book about Bill Clinton (it did not look favourably on him!) and I got to Monica Lewinsky. She was quite open about her being the pursuer, as a 22 year old intern, she knocked on the door and told him she fancied him. She was the more aggressive one, tracking down where he would be and sending him letters. She even wrote a valentines message to him in a newspaper and quotes Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, rather than the female protagonist. This made me think about how rare that is in history. How rarely we read about a woman setting her sights on a man and just doing all she can to pin him down. I'm quite loud but even with shy DP I still felt like I 'had' to leave it to him to clarify that he felt something for me. I'd love to hear that it happens, not pursuing in a crossing boundaries sort of way obviously! I'm sure it happens more than I previously thought.

Did Monica Lewinski write this book?

I sent the first message (met DH online), but that’s as far as I have gone.
I agree with a PP, I think there is a hard wired instinct in most men to want to do the chasing and they don’t typically respond well to a direct woman.

Yup. Heres what ive found out -

Where I pursued the guy for a relationship it never worked out.

Where I pursued the guy just as a hook up, it always worked out.

Im not sure what thats says about me, or about the men in question. But hey, thats my experience.

(Btw - im happily married now with a man that pursued me).

I don't think women should chase men for anything other than a one night stand if that's what they want. This is nothing to do with being a pretty passive princess who leaves it to men to make things happen. It's just that I find men will rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship even if they are ambivalent about the woman herself. Time and time again I see this happening, and the woman just ends up with a man who doesn't really care about her beyond what she can provide for him, and he's not emotionally committed.

I don't think you should be hanging around waiting for him either! Get on with other stuff, see other people. But I would never pursue a man if I wanted him to commit to me.

I'm a feminist, but I agree it doesn't seem to work. I tried it few times with different men - either asking out first or telling him I liked him. Every time soon it turned out he wasn't as interested as I was.
So I stopped pursuing. Now I'm happily married and still baffled by all this. But when I was dating my husband it's not like he did all the work. Only at first I let him take the lead, but after few dates it was more equal.

I have a number of times, including DH who is incredibly shy. But I’m very much an ‘alpha’ female and generally just go for what I want in life - not just men, but career, fitness goals, financial goals etc. It’s not often I’m turned down, (although that’s a reflection on men, not my sheer brilliance ). I do think men are intimidated by it though and several have found me a bit domineering for anything long term.

I'm certainly direct if I like someone, what do you mean by pursuing. I have no delusions of being a helpless heroine type. I'm also not attractive enough for anyone to just randomly try to chat me up.

I've asked out a few men successfully and did chase one man a fair bit in the beginning - and we were together for 3 years in the end.

I also chatted up my now ex - and followed him to the next pub - when he didn't show huge interest I simply let him know where we were ending the night - he followed - asked me to marry him on our 3rd date - we were together for 10 years - so it can work

Yes and we've been happily together for 14 years. I sensed a bit of mutual attraction and acted on it.

I asked my now ex husband out. I was temping for a few weeks and met him there and rang him the week after i finished up to see if he fancied going for a drink. He said yes. We ended up married for 9 years.

No I have never pursued a man but when I was a school girl I did pursue a boy, just a bit. I can't remember now whether or not I was successful.

I think it’s probably a case of a lot of men actually have quite low self esteem and lack confidence in approaching women (I was dating pre-OLD mind), so they are grateful for a woman making it crystal clear she’s interested. After that initial signal though, they want to ‘be a man’ and do the pursuing.

I was the one who came on to dh, I was rather inebriated though, so it was tottering over in rock club as opposed to the type of pursing you describe in your OP. After that, we just sort of initiated contact equally. Been together 15 years now, so I don't agree with some posters that women shouldn't approach a man. I do think that when it comes to dating etc things should be pretty equal though, if ones person is doing all the chasing then it probably is a sign the the other person isn't as interested/invested as they are

I asked him out in, but I didn’t aggressively pursue him. Why bother if you try a few casual hints - but they aren’t interested? Didn’t want to waste time on someone who was going to mess around. Don’t really see why it should be different for boys - I’d advise the same approach. It would avoid unwanted harassment.

I did with my DP. He’s very shy and laid back.. and there was quite an age gap when we met (still is obviously but now I’m older no one seems to care)
We’ve been together for 7 years, have one DD and are getting married in 2023.

Yeah I've tried it. It never ended in success. Maybe I should have tried with Bill instead!