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AIBU?

To ask if you've ever pursued a man?

123 replies

ponderinginpoughkeepsie · 08/05/2021 09:37

I was reading a book about Bill Clinton (it did not look favourably on him!) and I got to Monica Lewinsky. She was quite open about her being the pursuer, as a 22 year old intern, she knocked on the door and told him she fancied him. She was the more aggressive one, tracking down where he would be and sending him letters. She even wrote a valentines message to him in a newspaper and quotes Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, rather than the female protagonist.
This made me think about how rare that is in history. How rarely we read about a woman setting her sights on a man and just doing all she can to pin him down. I'm quite loud but even with shy DP I still felt like I 'had' to leave it to him to clarify that he felt something for me.
I'd love to hear that it happens, not pursuing in a crossing boundaries sort of way obviously! I'm sure it happens more than I previously thought.

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IconUcon · 09/05/2021 09:10

None of this is making me feel like I’m missing out because I’m a lesbian!

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WetF1reDay82942 · 09/05/2021 09:42

Yes
I cannot see any problem with this, why not ?

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user1471538283 · 09/05/2021 09:48

I asked the love of my life out but that was only because he was obviously so interested. He did all the running after that.

I've never pursued a man. If a man is interested you know it. If a man wants you for the long haul you have no doubt.

I've seen women relentless pursue men and it never ends well. One ex friend in particular would chase and obsess over any man. She is now in what I would consider a vulnerable and scary position with no money, living in his house and no friends who would bail her out.

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cookiecreampie · 09/05/2021 09:54

Not really. Whenever I've liked someone, they have usually approached me first. I've flirted with men to see if they flirt back, but I've never asked someone out directly and never would ( if I wasn't married). I never wasted my time with shy or passive men, as there's men out there that will let you know what they want. That may be double standards but I'm quite traditional at heart. When I've been the one texting and calling a man more than they are me, they're the ones who have always ended up messing me about and playing games. When a man is into you, they usually go after you and let you know they want you.

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Tolouse · 09/05/2021 09:54

I did. DH of 18 years now. Due to the circumstances, I knew that unless I picked up the phone I would never see him again. He was due to leave the country for good. We went out a few times, sometimes with reasons that were very contrived by me (the good old 'spare ticket' routine was one of them). Then suddenly there was ten days' silence from him. I sent him a, 'now or never' message and he called me.

Later, he told me that he knew that if he called me, he'd never go home. That's what the pause was about. And he hasn't.

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Etulosba · 09/05/2021 09:55

I cannot see any problem with this, why not ?

Unwanted female attention?

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cookiecreampie · 09/05/2021 09:58

Actually, I don't mind shy men, just that if they don't make any kind of effort to approach the woman and expect it to fall I to their laps without effort.

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Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/05/2021 10:01

I haven't but honestly I think its because women have a better understanding of how unpleasant unwanted attention can be because we experience it more often.

Most women I know see the concept of pursuing unless outright encouraged as a problem that we would wish on others.

I am very confident and comfortable stating what I want but I've been on the receiving end and they wouldn't hear my polite No. It made me feel really uncomfortable and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Male or female.

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Etulosba · 09/05/2021 10:06

Most women I know see the concept of pursuing unless outright encouraged as a problem that we would wish on others.

Somebody has to make the first move.

I expect that the real reason more women don't is simply down to tradition.

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IconUcon · 09/05/2021 10:13

‘ Somebody has to make the first move.

I expect that the real reason more women don't is simply down to tradition.’

Agreed. It’s all about perception, like I said, take ‘tradition’ and societal expectations out of it ( like with LGBT relationships? And it really doesn’t matter who does the asking as long as both of you are into each other it’ll work out

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Doje · 09/05/2021 10:21

Yes, kind of. 'Pursue' is perhaps a strong word for it. DH and I met online. I contacted him and asked him on a first date. I then asked him on a second date. He apparently thought I wasn't interested because there was no goodnight kiss and I pegged it for the bus. After the second date I waited for him to arrange a third though.

Is flirting just a more subtle way of pursuing though? I know in my earlier years I was always 'there' and ready to chat / laugh / fawn over the guy I fancied.

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Orielica · 09/05/2021 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/05/2021 10:26

@Etulosba

Most women I know see the concept of pursuing unless outright encouraged as a problem that we would wish on others.

Somebody has to make the first move.

I expect that the real reason more women don't is simply down to tradition.

True but I suppose this is the difference between pursuing and making the first move. I agree either you tradition is probably the reason for making the first move but pursuing is something very different.

Pursuing indicates continuing and making several moves.

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/05/2021 10:28

I always did otherwise I'd never have dated or got married. Men are so hopess at it.

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AcornCups · 09/05/2021 10:33

No but my mindset across all the stages of my life has been the same.
Men are an inconvenience because they will require my time. That’s the point of relationships isn’t it being together and if you share your life with someone they will require your time.

I am actually married and have been together well over 20 years. It works because I can still have lots of time to myself without him. He is of the same mindset so it works for us.

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MindtheBelleek · 09/05/2021 10:34

@Shinyletsbebadguys

I haven't but honestly I think its because women have a better understanding of how unpleasant unwanted attention can be because we experience it more often.

Most women I know see the concept of pursuing unless outright encouraged as a problem that we would wish on others.

I am very confident and comfortable stating what I want but I've been on the receiving end and they wouldn't hear my polite No. It made me feel really uncomfortable and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Male or female.

You’re confusing ‘pursuit’ with harassment, though. I don’t think anyone on this thread is envisaging female pursuit in terms of drunkenly coming on to someone in a pub, badgering him for his number, groping him, ignoring his polite ‘no’, and calling him a frigid cunt when he doesn’t melt into your arms.

Not to mention a sex-flipped version of the scenario mentioned on another thread yesterday where, on a first date, the man deliberately didn’t order a taxi to the bar/restaurant despite repeated warnings that it would be difficult to get one later, and then repeatedly tried to pressure the woman into letting him sleep over at her place when he couldn’t get one.

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Gothichouse40 · 09/05/2021 10:35

Only once, when I was young and naive and infatuated. I got him and it was a total disaster. One of life's lessons learned. Never did it again.

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weegiemum · 09/05/2021 10:53

I certainly let my now-dh know I was interested. He was quite shy and it took him a while to get the hint. We were both pretty young (I was 19, him 20) when we finally got together, and by "pursuing" I don't mean in your face asking him out, I was just always wherever he was and cultivated a good friendship that eventually turned into more. It was in that time at uni when you stay up half the night talking, getting to know each other.

Well, we've been together 31 years, married for 26. So it worked for us.

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Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/05/2021 11:02

No I'm not. I understand the meaning of both words. I wouldn't say my experience was harassment (because I've experienced the difference ) but pursuing is something beyond the first move and doesn't need to be aggressive to make people feel uncomfortable. Please don't twist it . I am allowed to disagree without being infantilised by claiming I'm misunderstanding. I'm not I just have a different opinion to you.

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trevthecat · 09/05/2021 11:04

Never! Men are programmed to be hunter gatherer's. If he's not pursuing, he's not interested!

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MarshmallowAra · 09/05/2021 11:09

is the example that occurs to the OP of a woman pursuing a man.

Well no, she's the example of a woman pursuing a married man who also happens to be a world leader at the time!!!

The op didn't focus on any of that anyway, she just focused on her pursuit of him and the fact that it was "successful" in terms of a pursuit (though not in any other terms).

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osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/05/2021 11:14

No. Not my thing.

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Supermarketweep · 09/05/2021 11:15

Yes, on many occasions - not aggressively pursue, but made it clear I was interested and made the first move. It resulted in the 2 best relationships of my life.

My personal experience is that any man who has actively pursued me has been the worst kind of person - abusive, predatory, duplicitous. Hence why I took the initiative.

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HowsYourHeadHun · 09/05/2021 11:16

No I haven't.

In all honesty. I can't be bothered.

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Susie477 · 09/05/2021 11:33

Yes, I did.

I eventually realised that most men are completely hopeless at picking up on subtle hints and flirting, and that this particularly applies to nice, non-laddish men for whom it’s normal to have female friends. So I took a more proactive approach and asked a guy I liked out. He was surprised and flattered, and we were together for a while.

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