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To ask if you've ever pursued a man?

123 replies

ponderinginpoughkeepsie · 08/05/2021 09:37

I was reading a book about Bill Clinton (it did not look favourably on him!) and I got to Monica Lewinsky. She was quite open about her being the pursuer, as a 22 year old intern, she knocked on the door and told him she fancied him. She was the more aggressive one, tracking down where he would be and sending him letters. She even wrote a valentines message to him in a newspaper and quotes Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, rather than the female protagonist.
This made me think about how rare that is in history. How rarely we read about a woman setting her sights on a man and just doing all she can to pin him down. I'm quite loud but even with shy DP I still felt like I 'had' to leave it to him to clarify that he felt something for me.
I'd love to hear that it happens, not pursuing in a crossing boundaries sort of way obviously! I'm sure it happens more than I previously thought.

OP posts:
Serpenta · 09/05/2021 04:36

Christ, it's like some Regency romance parody here* with all the MNers advising women to sit chastely and wait to be approached by an eligible gentleman. God forbid one expresses any interest or sexual excitement

*Jane Austen would have been very pro-making a move and being pro-active

Serpenta · 09/05/2021 04:44

(not ALL the MNers)

user1473878824 · 09/05/2021 05:13


Very common in affairs. I know of many marriages where the mistress of the cheating husband was very predatory. Psychologists talk about ‘mate poaching’, the husband is seen as higher status than a single man because someone else already has him. Pathetic really!

Poor men who have no sway over their own matrimonial life or morals. Hmm
DeedledeDee · 09/05/2021 05:43

Yes and we've been together 45 years.
I was 18 and he was 25 and he didn't have a clue, and he had a sheltered upbringing, whereas I was more streetwise and have made all the decisions in these years re marriage, kids, where we holiday, where we live. He's a very good calm person and we are best friends. We finish each others sentences and have same tastes and humour.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/05/2021 05:49

Yes, I often have whether it be asking someone if they want a drink or initiating something more meaningful.

Why on earth would anyone not! It's 2021 people!

TomPinch · 09/05/2021 06:09

Two of THE BEST memories I have in life is of being pursued by women. I was shy. On each occasion they were people I'd liked as friends, but had no idea they were that into me.

Both led to very formative relationships for me.

Especially with the second (who basically jumped on top of me) it was a massive confidence booster knowing these self-confident women liked and wanted me.

I remember them both very fondly even though it's been years and years.

It's good to be alive!

Witchcraftandhokum · 09/05/2021 06:10

I'm confused. I've attended a talk by Monica Lewinski and what she said there doesn't match the narrative of the book the OP is describing.

LaBellina · 09/05/2021 06:14

Yes I have and feel embarrassed about it, looking back. You rarely gain respect from them by doing so. I was quite desperate at that time and the person took advantage of it by treating me like shit, he was on a complete power trip. I would never do it again and would advice any woman against it. Some may call this old fashioned and sexist and I might get flamed for saying this but I really believe that if a man really likes a woman, he will pursue her.

Chillychangchoo · 09/05/2021 06:32

Yeah my husband. Knew of him, and his popularity. I was only 16. Worked out what pubs and clubs he went into and as soon as I seen him,
Literally went straight up to him. Kissed him about 5 minutes after the first hello.

Worked out well for us! I knew what I wanted.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/05/2021 06:35

Contrary to all the PPs, I have definitely pursued lots of men and ended up with all the commitment/marriage proposals etc from them. Not from me. I got bored etc. Once upon a time I was a feckless shagger with no thought for men's feelings. I hope I'm a bit different now.

MindtheBelleek · 09/05/2021 06:53


Some of these responses read like advice from The Lady magazine in 1932.

Yup. And it’s astonishingly depressing that Monica Lewinsky — who is essentially a morality cautionary tale about the consequences of female pursuit, where the pursuing woman ends up facing a grand jury, has her semen-stained dress displayed as evidence, becomes a hate figure and laughing stock, and is subjected a long-running public shaming that permanently altered her life — is the example that occurs to the OP of a woman pursuing a man.

I have ‘pursued’ men in the sense that I’ve asked them out. I can’t say I noticed any difference in the relationships compared to the ones who asked me out.
LoveIsAllThereIs · 09/05/2021 06:58

I find that even if it's mutual at first, both making it clear ther's interest, I always seem to chase more once I feel them backing off a bit, which is probably when they're sure I'm interested/they no longer need to chase. I hate the imbalance the push pull creates but it all stems from our attachment styles. I seem to attract avoidants, but you'd never know they were at first

Ughmaybenot · 09/05/2021 07:12

Once springs to mind. I’d literally been saying to my mum and sister how good looking this one guy I’d went to school with years before was now, saw him out that night, left with him in no time Grin
But honestly in general terms, no. I admit I have a bit of an ego and I love the feeling of being ‘chased’ so to speak. That’s not to say I don’t make it clear what I think or feel but I did used to like the man to make it obvious and go for it, back in the day... smiles wistfully

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 09/05/2021 07:12

Yes! My current partner/father of my child! Before him, I always felt it was the man's place to do the chasing (yes, yes, sexist thinking I know!). And I honestly have no idea what happened when I met him, but I added him on social media first, messaged him first, asked him on a date first etc.

I'm so glad that I did.

forinborin · 09/05/2021 07:24

I am ashamed to admit, but I never had a man expressing interest in me, so yes, I usually did all the chasing. It has led only to "placeholder" relationships, where I was quickly swapped for a better version once an opportunity arose.

AndromedaGal · 09/05/2021 07:36

If you have to persistently chase a man he isn’t interested. The keyword here is “persistently,” as in, you repeatedly initiate contact, engineer opportunities to meet, show affection. That’s not the same as a one-off signal to give him the encouragement he needs to continue the chase.

LastOrdersMaura · 09/05/2021 07:38

@Witchcraftandhokum I think she's changed her story, this is the version she told a popular newspaper at the time. I'm not sure what the real version is. I feel so sorry for the poor woman. She was so young and he clearly wasn't ever going to leave Hilary for her.
I thought her story was interesting as it's so unusual in his history. History is full of powerful, predatory men going full throttle, not caring about consent.

eatsleepread · 09/05/2021 07:42

I've done it once and won't do it again.

traumatisednoodle · 09/05/2021 07:51

Yes, from 18 onwards. Probrably 50:50. Nothing quite like an uneqivocal come on whether males or female. Smile

IconUcon · 09/05/2021 08:02

I used to feel for my single straight women friends () it always seems that there were all these rules and expectations and etiquette that they needed to follow with men. Like, even if they really wanted to have a shag if they were quite into the guy they felt they needed to wait a few dates at least or he mightn’t want to keep seeing them etc. Or they couldn’t be to ‘forward’ as a lot of men didn’t like that.

I have with women, when you’re both girls the rules go out the window and it’s quite refreshing. I met one girlfriend in a bar but didn’t get her number and spent about a month trying to find her again, got her number and asked her out. She said yes, thankfully.
My DW was the initial pursuer in our relationship- mainly cos I thought she wasn’t into me and we worked together. It didn’t take me long to realise she was the one tho.

UseOfWeapons · 09/05/2021 08:10

Of course, in my younger days. Not aggressively, but making it clear I’m interested, flirting, in other words.
I’m bisexual, does that make a difference? I’ve never had a problem initiating a potential relationship with either sex. If they’re not interested, that’s fine, time to move on and chalk it up to experience.

Motnight · 09/05/2021 08:19


If only the President of the United States had had some kind of means to resist the attentions of the 22 year old intern.

Poor old President of the United States, he didn't stand a chance did he 😂
Plantlady10 · 09/05/2021 08:23

In my life I've only been interested in three men - the first two I told them, but the feelings weren't reciprocated (one when I was 17 and one when I was 19) though they were lovely about it. The third, we met online (age 21) so I guess we both had to show we were interested but he was definatly more proactive than me in the beginning stages. We're now engaged

coogee · 09/05/2021 08:27

No to that extent but my DH is a bit dense when it comes to knowing someone fancies him or is flirty

My husband is the same. He is older and was at the time a more senior colleague. He kept his distance until I dropped a not too subtle hint that I was very interested.

Donitta · 09/05/2021 08:30

I pursued someone once. It didn’t turn out well. I met him through work and thought he was lovely, he lived somewhere else but was in town on business during the week. One night I bumped into him in a pub near the flat he was renting, so I started going to that pub regularly hoping to bump into him. Which I did, and I flirted with him shamelessly. We spent the night at his flat. We hung out at the park together during the day. We had lunch together. We went to the theatre together. Then I said I wanted to see his home town so he booked a hotel for me one weekend (said it would be nicer to have our own space than to be around his housemate).

Turns out his “housemate” was his wife. He never mentioned her at all. The weekend we stayed in the hotel he’d told her he was working overtime in my town and not able to come home. He must have been shitting himself all weekend in case we bumped into someone he knew. I did think it was odd that he took me to places that were slightly off the beaten track, he wanted to watch a movie in the hotel room instead of going to the cinema, and a couple of times he put his hood up and said he was cold - obviously because he’d seen someone and didn’t want to be spotted with me! Then when I found out he was married (from snooping on social media) he whinged that our affair was my fault because I had pursued him and he was flattered by my attention.

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