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To ask if you've ever pursued a man?

123 replies

ponderinginpoughkeepsie · 08/05/2021 09:37

I was reading a book about Bill Clinton (it did not look favourably on him!) and I got to Monica Lewinsky. She was quite open about her being the pursuer, as a 22 year old intern, she knocked on the door and told him she fancied him. She was the more aggressive one, tracking down where he would be and sending him letters. She even wrote a valentines message to him in a newspaper and quotes Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, rather than the female protagonist.
This made me think about how rare that is in history. How rarely we read about a woman setting her sights on a man and just doing all she can to pin him down. I'm quite loud but even with shy DP I still felt like I 'had' to leave it to him to clarify that he felt something for me.
I'd love to hear that it happens, not pursuing in a crossing boundaries sort of way obviously! I'm sure it happens more than I previously thought.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 08/05/2021 19:22

The vast majority of my teenage boyfriends were ones that I asked out, I think there was only one who asked me out. I'm not sure if I would pursue them as none of them turned me down. I haven't had any new relationships as a proper adult as I married the boyfriend that I asked out when I was 19.

My now DH turned me down when I asked him to marry me, I waited a few months and asked him again. So I probably did pursue him then.

Susannahmoody · 08/05/2021 19:22

But in practice I have observed that the vast majority of men don’t respond well to a very direct approach from women.


This, in a nutshell

Orpheline · 08/05/2021 19:23

If I hadn't asked DH out, we wouldn't be together for 40 years. First and last time I ever made the first move.

Serpenta · 08/05/2021 19:24

Of course! Should we be fair maidens waiting demurely to be pursued by a dashing knight?

UCOinanOCG · 08/05/2021 19:25

Yes i did. I have been married to him for 35 years now!

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2021 19:25

I emailed my husband first, we met at a singles dinner and I contacted him afterwards, but I knew he'd be interested. I also proposed to both my husbands but in a context where I knew they were thinking along the same lines (dh had already asked me once so it was more proposing the timing than the actual intention.)

I don't know if it doesn't 'work'. Clearly I've had 2 marriages which have ended so maybe not. I have a tendency to struggle with just enjoying the moment, I want to move on in a slightly dysfunctional way.

Happycat1212 · 08/05/2021 19:26

It’s not that, it’s as other said I agree men will rarely turn down sex with a woman even if they don’t like them so I wouldn’t for that reason.

C152 · 08/05/2021 19:27

Depends what you mean by 'pursued'. I've never hounded someone for a date, but I have asked men I like out, and I have been the one to invite them home, if I want to.

Serpenta · 08/05/2021 19:27

Some of these responses read like advice from The Lady magazine in 1932.

PottyTrainingissues · 08/05/2021 19:30

I was a bit odd as a teenager, aged 15 I saw someone I liked and decided that was it that I was going to marry him 😂 as far as I was concerned that was it I thought I didn’t have to worry anymore as I knew I would so I put it to the back of my kind saw him every so often where he worked. Didn’t even speak to him till 3 years later when I decided if i was going to marry him I should really talk to him and pursue him , which I did

PuzzledObserver · 08/05/2021 19:32

Yep - been married to him for 20 years.

I’ve actually only had one boyfriend where I didn’t start things, I was 16 and didn’t realise until after the event that he was asking me out.

But for me, it’s about me being jumpy around men. Anyone tries to approach me, I run a mile - this is a hangover from having been assaulted when I was very young. So I have always found someone I liked the look of, and hung around until they noticed me. Nothing up front like telling them I fancied them, but definitely pursued them.

EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 08/05/2021 19:33

If only the President of the United States had had some kind of means to resist the attentions of the 22 year old intern.

PicsInRed · 08/05/2021 19:37


If only the President of the United States had had some kind of means to resist the attentions of the 22 year old intern.

Yes, that famous grooming and sexual harassment victim, Bill Clinton. Grin
user648482729 · 08/05/2021 19:39

I made the first move with DH but if I’m honest I then played it cool and we went back and forth a bit (genuinely at some points I was unsure) so on the whole it became him pursuing me after the initial part.
I’ve always been someone who if I like someone I’ll go after them but more in a showing interest then seeing if they follow after me type way. At times it’s worked out and other times it’s ended badly.

Tehmina23 · 08/05/2021 19:42

I don't pursue men but unfortunately they don't chase after me either... so what am I supposed to do exactly????

sar302 · 08/05/2021 21:26

The only man I ever pursued was my husband. We were sitting on a couch together (me, feet up, him, feet on the floor), in a room full of friends. I sort of tucked my toes under his bum a bit. That was all the encouragement he needed. So I say "pursued" - he was hardly playing hard to get!

therocinante · 08/05/2021 23:09

Yep, been together 7 years now. He was interested, but I'd initially said I wanted nothing other than a FWB arrangement and wasn't looking to settle down.

I changed my mind after 3 dates and realising we were very compatible, but he played a bit hard to get as he wasn't sure of my intentions Wink. So I chased him for a bit til he realised I was serious.

I hate the idea that 'a woman shouldn't need to chase a man, if he's interested you'll know'. It works both ways.

maras2 · 08/05/2021 23:18

Oh yes.
Good job I did or we wouldn't be here 53 years later.
He was shy and I was a hussy wasn't. Smile

Osirus · 08/05/2021 23:57

I did, with my first boyfriend when I was 20. We went out for six months and he was quite passive in our relationship; we only had sex four times! Four times in six months when you’re 20/22, I should have questioned it sooner! It was bad. Then he dumped me.

Two years later, HE then pursued me. We’re married now, and have a much more regular sex life, even after 15 years, so he clearly preferred to be the chaser.

I really don’t think men like it when women chase them. It terrifies them for some reason.

Pinkyavocado · 09/05/2021 03:30

No to that extent but my DH is a bit dense when it comes to knowing someone fancies him or is flirty. To this day he says he had no idea I liked him until I actually told him 🙄 26 years later we are still together.

Mermaidwaves · 09/05/2021 03:44

Yes and those were the ones that ended up only wanting sex/FWB arrangements. I learned the hard way that if I have to chase a man, he's not really bothered about me. I've quit dating but if I ever did meet anyone in the future he has to initiate everything, I won't make a fool of myself again which I have done in the past.

MrsCremuel · 09/05/2021 03:52

Yes, my DH. We were best friends and I was mad about him but he was v cautious because of a complex ex boyfriend situation. Turns out he felt the same but needed me to throw caution to the wind. First and only time I ever ‘pursued’ or rather, made the first move. I knew I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t go for it.

DramaAlpaca · 09/05/2021 03:53

Yes. Married over 30 years now. If I'd left it to him we'd probably both still be single Grin

lakesidelife · 09/05/2021 03:54

Yes. My DH.
I didn't pursue him but I asked him out.
We've been together 26 years.

Taikoo · 09/05/2021 03:56

No, I haven't.
From what I've observed, men who have to be chased by a woman are not that interested in her.
If a man likes a woman, he will let her know.
However, most men are always up for a quick no-strings shag, no matter what.

One of my friends is a chaser and its gotten her nowhere.

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