To only realise now that I've settled

[claustrophobiclife]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, my parents were the textbook template of how a marriage shouldn't be, and what not to do as a parent. I always craved a normal family life, I never casually dated, was always in relationship, always looking to settle down. I met my now DH and I'm now 26, married with a mortgage and DC and I'm just overwhelmed with this feeling of claustrophobia almost, about my life.

I've had therapy, and I've realised how desperately I sought this out. I was just so young and I wish I'd taken the time to be so, DH was 10 years older but I'm the one pushed for kids now. I pushed for marriage now. I pushed to buy a house now. He was happy to travel and take our time but I wanted it all and I wanted it now. Now I have it, and it feels hollow.

Suddenly I have the stability I always wanted. A gorgeous home, but I'm wishing I'd travelled and moved away from my home town. Beautiful amazing kids, that I don't feel ready for, that I wish I didn't have just yet. And a kind, loving husband who I know will never cheat on me yet I wish I fancied more, I wish had more spark to him. My whole life feels dull. Like I've gone from late teens to middle age in seconds. I had my whole life to settle down like this, why did I have to do it so soon.

I've told DH how I feel, I've even considered leaving him, and he's just bewildered because this is all I've ever said I wanted. I feel so claustrophobic and I literally lie awake at night wishing I could be 17 again and make different choices. Be young. Be confident. Travel. End up with a man who ticks all of my boxes. Be the person I want to be, not who I am at the moment, this miserable mum longing for a do over.

I know I might get some vipers on here, that's probably why I'm posting. Maybe I need some sense knocked into me?

You haven't settled, you've settled down - big difference. You have plenty of time still to travel etc.

Can I ask how old your children are? I just wonder if this might be partly about a combination of small children denying you personal space, and lockdown cabin fever. The world is still so "abnormal" and that goes double if you have small children I think. Don't want to dismiss your worries, but just another angle.

I worry that by rushing to settle down I just settled in general, and that I didn't end up with the life I should of had. I worry that now I'm never going to leave a small town and amount to anything because I just rushed my youth away

I have two under two, so I'm exhausted yes and life has been far from normal so its probably exacerbated it. I'm just so jealous of my non settled friends. One of my friends is dating and is ruthless, anyone less than perfect doesn't get a second look. I wish I'd had that attitude, DH is kind and caring and a great parent but he doesn't make me laugh, or make me feel as giddy with love as I did with other people. I am more conventionally attractive than him and had attention from people better looking and it's just this thought in my head that maybe I would of done better for myself (not better in general, he is great but someone better suited to me) if I'd just taken my time

How old are your kids? Would you do something mad like sell up, buy a converted bus and travel before they start school? Career change or further study? Doors might feel locked, but they're just shut - it's up to you to push them open.

Once the pandemic is over then there's nothing stopping you travelling. My friend has taken her kids all over the place - a couple of people have questioned why she's taking a couple of toddlers to places like Vietnam, or Cuba, or Sri Lanka, when they could be playing in a pool in an all inclusive in Tenerife, but she says, these holidays are for me. When my kids are old enough to pay for themselves then that's when they get to choose the destination. Travelling with kids is easier than you think - because when you get to the destination everyone usually makes a fuss of them.

Sit down and write your bucket list - big things and small things, and then start to tick them off. If you don't life will feel monotonous and you will feel trapped, but spreading your wings with your family will help you feel more free.

DH is so settled in his career there's no flexibility for me. We need to live where we do for him. I need to work the hours that fit in around him. I can't blame him because he supports the family (I'm only part time whilst DC are young) and we need to prioritise him. It just makes me wish I was single so I could prioritise myself. I feel like I'm never going to be the person I was supposed to be here, and leaving here isn't an option. Even if I left him, I couldn't take the kids too far away, I've tied myself to this place forever. It's so claustrophobic.

Be grateful for what you have, and not greedy for what you have not.

You will be able to travel when your children are older as long as you don't have any more ! Our next door neighbours are like this they had 2 in their early twenties and now they camper van round places - obviously not at the moment!

Your yearning for your youth brings to mind the saying “youth is wasted on the young”. There are many versions of youthful adventure, some end happily, some not so much.
It’s difficult OP, you’re feeling that the grass was greener and you missed it, maybe that the grass IS greener.... but you can’t undo the child/ren so even if you left your DH you won’t be living as a fun-loving youth would.
I do think that the lack of opportunity to do anything much over the past 12 months will have affected you too.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I were you I would spend some time trying to look at how you can add to your current life rather than leave it behind.

This does sound a bit like the ol' 'grass is greener on the other side' fantasy...

By the sounds of things, you've had some realisations linking an unhappy childhood to some of your motivations and now you have achieved those wants, you're scratching around wondering 'what's next?'

What's next is whatever you want it to be and it sounds like you have all of the stability in place that you need to develop & grow as a person, Mother, partner...and being a young parent can bring lots of benefits with it.

Finding fulfilment isn't just doing things, it's being content with who you are and choices you've made. If you're constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what could have been, maybe you need to work out exactly what you think you would be doing otherwise? What's to say you'd have found a more conventionally attractive partner? How do you know that you would have felt happy doing x, y and z for certain?

2 under 2 can be relentless and that in itself can make you feel like you're on the hamster wheel unable to get off which can bring up all sorts of emotions.

Q. Do you want to build a future within your current circumstances or are you looking for an out?

Honestly I think lots of people feel this way at some point. I know I did, probably my late 20s as well.

I met my DH young and we got married young although it was a long time before we had children due to fertility issues. I spent quite a few years rather lost, wondering why I had rushed into it and wondering if I'd settled and made a mistake.

Now I'm a few years on from that and honestly love my husband more now than when we met at 19. We are so happy and settled into a comfortable, content life. You can get there. And honestly it's the kind, calm, loving ones that are decent for the long term. Have a laugh and be wild and let your hair down with mates if you can, be contented and peaceful and loving with your DH.

Your living situation with 2 very young children is incredibly tough, especially given the past year. It will get better and easier and you will feel more free and able to be yourself. Mine are only 5 and 3 and it feels so much easier already. You and your DH will be able to connect. It's never too late - DH and I have been together 18 years and a few weeks ago started playing tennis together for the first time. It was great fun. Daft little things like that can bond you.

You still have so much life ahead of you, decide what you want and go for it. A job? Travel? Hobbies? You still have the world at your feet, and you and your family have so many experiences ahead of you, grab them!

Also sometimes when I'm fed up with DH I watch First Dates and feel grateful I'm not dating - it's brutal...

I come from a similar background and I think you have to realise that a childhood like that means you grew up in a state of anxiety and unpredictability.

This might not apply to you but I found Living a 'normal life' very hard to adjust to. I went through a similar thing, and it's only in retrospect I see how emotionally immature I was and lacked trust in everything and everyone. I felt like I was in a heightened state waiting for stuffy go wrong or drama to happen and when it didn't I felt a sense of frustration.

You're still young and you're still able to travel and do anything you want, but you might have to wait until your kids are older. But, it's also possible that what you feel isn't just missing out on doing stuff, you've not adjusted to living without dysfunction.

I understand where you're coming from. It's a bit like buyers remorse only with a family. Truth is it's hard with young kids and a mortgage to pay off. You are in the hardest part just now. I promise you it does get easier and you will get your life back. Tou will be young enough to start a new career or do what you want when the kids are a bit older. I think if you split up with your DH you will regret it later. When you're knackered from the demands of looking after young kids there is no energy left for romance and for yourself. Try and carve out a bit of time for you and your relationship and try and make some friends at the same life stage as you.

I promise that your single friends are looking at you wishing that they had what you have. The grass is always greener and all that.

Youth IS wasted on the young. Why “god” made it that way I never know! You will get to do all those things, travel, change yourself, visit new places, when your kids are older. It makes no difference doing it before or after kids, you will obviously be doing it after. Your only at a stage in your life, there’s lots of different stages, no ones life is exactly the same from youth to elderly, things change, like kids growing up, life experiences, etc.

I think you may be uncomfortable with what is normal family life, it can seem dull when you have grown up used to explosive events and crises.

I am more conventionally attractive than him and had attention from people better looking and it's just this thought in my head that maybe I would of done better for myself (not better in general, he is great but someone better suited to me) if I'd just taken my time

Better suited because they're more on your level of attractiveness??
You've said he's great, caring, kind and a great dad - how much better do you think you can do for yourself than that?? You could have ended up with an Abercrombie model who was a shit dad, completely unstable and a massive bellend who was shagging other women left right and centre. Grass isn't always greener. If you seriously feel that way about your DH, then the kind thing to do is leave him. I can't imagine staying with someone after they told me they'd settled and wonder if they could do better.

Sounds like you need to do some grieving as well as appreciating what you do have now.

It is a common feeling and your life circumstances currently are claustrophobic.

For now have patience

Maybe it is the dysfunctional experience in you that is trying to sabotage your happy successful life, to bring in some chaos and dysfunctionality? Maybe you're just tired? If you can afford childcare you should spend more time on yourself doing what you like. No point thinking back about being 17 and making other choices, you made the absolute best choices and are to be congratulated.

Grass is always greener OP. It feels strangling to you now, but why did you push so hard for it? If I were your DP I would be confused as well.

I do think the pp who said that you are used your life being unstable and that's why it feels boring now is right. My family moved every 2-3 years when I was growing up, very chaotic in that regard. I did struggle with a quieter life, and still do sometimes, but I have a nice partner and a stable home and I know I'm very lucky.

Also it's a bit mean to dwell on the fact that you are better looking than your partner so could have "done better". That's pretty harsh. How do you think he'd feel if he knew you thought that?

You could have ended up with an Abercrombie model who was a shit dad, completely unstable and a massive bellend who was shagging other women left right and centre. Grass isn't always greener.

Exactly this! If you decide to bin off your DH in the hope you'll end up with someone better looking, you could be in for a rude awakening.

I have two under two

Oh Christ, that explains it. That entire opening tirade seems perfectly reasonable with that context.

This time is precious fucking horrific. Your sex life will get better, the kids will stop being quite so hard work and you will be able to do things again.

Focus on sorting out routines, making sure you do date night every so often, making sure he pulls his weight and being kind when you fuck up. Being happy isn't some magic wand- you've got to find it in what you have now.

If he still isn't the right one when they've gone to school then rethink but for now you are almost certainly just overworrying because it's really tough to have a relationship with everything else going on.

It's totally understandable that you feel a bit like you're rethinking your life right now, as I expect many do when they have two under two (I've been there!)

Life is hard right now, but if your partner is loving, supportive and kind. You didn't settle. Love isn't about how good looking or what a perfect match someone is, it's about the journey, shared history and adventure you have taken together. You have obviously rushed into creating this nuclear family, but everything you want is still within reach! Travelling with kids (admittedly when they are a little older) is brilliant, I say think about how you can add some adventure into your lives going forward. Try booking 3-4 weeks off work in the next couple of years and go and see some things as a family. We have done loads of stuff like that with our two and loved it.

I also want to point out that your ruthless friend, who won't settle for anything less than perfect has definitely got it all wrong in my book. My husband's best friend (Oxbridge educated, sporty and handsome), has taken this approach and guess what - no one has met the mark. It turns out he is very depressed now, pushing 40, the only one still single in his group of friends and likely to start his family life much later if he manages to settle down.

My husband and I were the first to buy a house and start a family in both out circles of friends, and I felt that missing out feeling you are experiencing now, a lot. But now my children are older and we are a lot more free, once Covid does down, to pursue out own interests, hobbies, and take separate adventures when we want to. Our friends later in their journey are now the ones at home wishing they could go out and feeling nostalgic about their old lives. But we know they will have lots to look forward to. We have both been on many trips away with friends, and a couple just the two of us. My husband is gorgeous and I do love him, but that feeling of lust and passion does calm down a little when you are in a settled relationship. You can always do more to get the spark back, but what I truly appreciate is how lucky I am to have someone that I can confide in, share a funny story with, and rely on to look after us. Watching my friends settle in relationships with great looking, rich blokes that don't give them what I have makes me feel so appreciative of what I have.

I hope that insight helps a little. Don't give up hope!

I could have written this post word for word 10 years ago.
I rushed into marriage, mortgage and children with a man 10 years older than me, and by the time the kids were 2&4 and I was 26/27 I felt exactly as you do now.

It was almost like I woke up and thought that this can't be all there is to life.

Having spoken to friends they all said they have felt similar feelings around mid 20s early 30s despite them all having different circumstances, I think it is normal to take stock of your life and choices around that age.

I personally had additional problems because my H at the time was very depressed and self medicating with alcohol. In the end we split, I'm now mid 30s kids are a bit older and I was feeling like I was really living life and enjoying myself again (pre covid)

I do think a huge part of it is that your DC are still very small and hugely dependent on you, that it will feel like you just live your life for everyone else rather than yourself, that phase is long but it does pass.

Maybe think about what you'd like to be better in your relationship and start there. Talk to your DH and try to get back on track with you both first if that's what you want of course

I think your problem is you’ve spent so long having the dream goal, that there’s now nothing to achieve. This is where you need to focus.

For example - you can still travel with children, at some point! You can build a career, take college courses, meet friends etc - but don’t sit and wait!