To only realise now that I've settled

[claustrophobiclife]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, my parents were the textbook template of how a marriage shouldn't be, and what not to do as a parent. I always craved a normal family life, I never casually dated, was always in relationship, always looking to settle down. I met my now DH and I'm now 26, married with a mortgage and DC and I'm just overwhelmed with this feeling of claustrophobia almost, about my life.

I've had therapy, and I've realised how desperately I sought this out. I was just so young and I wish I'd taken the time to be so, DH was 10 years older but I'm the one pushed for kids now. I pushed for marriage now. I pushed to buy a house now. He was happy to travel and take our time but I wanted it all and I wanted it now. Now I have it, and it feels hollow.

Suddenly I have the stability I always wanted. A gorgeous home, but I'm wishing I'd travelled and moved away from my home town. Beautiful amazing kids, that I don't feel ready for, that I wish I didn't have just yet. And a kind, loving husband who I know will never cheat on me yet I wish I fancied more, I wish had more spark to him. My whole life feels dull. Like I've gone from late teens to middle age in seconds. I had my whole life to settle down like this, why did I have to do it so soon.

I've told DH how I feel, I've even considered leaving him, and he's just bewildered because this is all I've ever said I wanted. I feel so claustrophobic and I literally lie awake at night wishing I could be 17 again and make different choices. Be young. Be confident. Travel. End up with a man who ticks all of my boxes. Be the person I want to be, not who I am at the moment, this miserable mum longing for a do over.

I know I might get some vipers on here, that's probably why I'm posting. Maybe I need some sense knocked into me?

It’s never to late to be who you wanted to be

Why do people tell such lies? Is it meant to help? It doesn't!

It is too late to be young,free and single when you are older, married and have children. You can't unring the bell. You can get divorced, you can leave the children with their father and move away if you choose, but then you're still divorced and have children. You can't ever go back.

Bloody hell, that missing a few commas etc. Posting from my phone never produces a decent edit. Sorry, hope you get the gist. V

@toocoldforsno

It’s never to late to be who you wanted to be

Why do people tell such lies? Is it meant to help? It doesn't!

It is too late to be young,free and single when you are older, married and have children. You can't unring the bell. You can get divorced, you can leave the children with their father and move away if you choose, but then you're still divorced and have children. You can't ever go back.

It’s not lies at all. Does the OP want to do a degree? Travel? Work abroad? Learn to ski? All of these are still possible with some planning. In many respects they might actually be more rewarding to do with her children as she’ll be sharing life experiences with them.

I found that quote on a clothing label at a low point on my life and over the course of 5 years turned my life around. I got a better job, worked harder on my hobbies to get to a standard I was proud of and started exercising. It didn’t happen overnight but five years later my life was unrecognisable and I felt so much happier and had some self-esteem. The OP can do that too.

It’s not lies at all. Does the OP want to do a degree? Travel? Work abroad? Learn to ski? All of these are still possible with some planning. In many respects they might actually be more rewarding to do with her children as she’ll be sharing life experiences with them

Of course it's lies. OP doesn't want to learn to ski ffs, she wants to have made different choices in the past and not be who she is now. And pretending she can undo those choices is a downright lie.
You're confusing "who you are" with "things you do".

The OP can't do what you did as she doesn't want what you wanted.

OP, it's hard.

I got married later and had my DD at 34 and I STILL felt like I was suffocating under the weight of family and motherhood.

Try not to catastrophise. How you feel now could be a function of being tired and adjusting to motherhood. Children get older and that brings greater freedom. You will be so young when they are grown you have a chance of a second or third "life".

In the meantime try to carve out some time just for yourself, outside of your role as a wife and a mother.

Being single is not all fun and games. Try not to compare your life with your friends. They probably envy yours in some ways.

I understand your feelings op. I'm 25, married with 2 children under 3. With me it's not that I regret what I did, but more I regret what I didn't. I feel like I've found my calling but I don't have the qualifications to get me there as I dropped out of doing my a levels when I met dh (I didn't drop out because I met him, I hated the subjects I'd chosen). I know now that I'll have to wait until the dc are older to retrain but looking ahead and planning that for me is helping with the stagnant, pushed down feeling I have now.
I think the children's ages and lockdown has a lot to do with it

@toocoldforsno

It’s not lies at all. Does the OP want to do a degree? Travel? Work abroad? Learn to ski? All of these are still possible with some planning. In many respects they might actually be more rewarding to do with her children as she’ll be sharing life experiences with them

Of course it's lies. OP doesn't want to learn to ski ffs, she wants to have made different choices in the past and not be who she is now. And pretending she can undo those choices is a downright lie.
You're confusing "who you are" with "things you do".

The OP can't do what you did as she doesn't want what you wanted.

What a depressing, defeatist attitude. And I agree with PP, it's a lie.

She can't be 17 and single again. But she can change many important aspects of her life now if she wants.

I worry that by rushing to settle down I just settled in general, and that I didn't end up with the life I should of had.

You’ve gotta knock this on the head. Stop with the naval-gazing. Stop imagining that a better life was there and you chose this one.

It’s ghost ships. You’ll never know what would have happened if you took a different course. You didn’t, and you can’t undo it now, so it’s a moot point. It’s just making you unhappy.

You can make different choices from here on out. You can travel with the kids, you can throw yourself into a career, you can learn things, you can leave your husband, you can even leave your kids with your husband... but you can’t change the decisions to settle down, marry and have kids. That happened. Any changes you can make start right here.

It’s hard with 2 under 2, especially in lockdown. It’s hard to see other people doing something that you think sounded fun, but doesn’t feel possible for you, like dating and waiting for the perfect man. But there’s every chance that you could be doing that today, and be desperately unhappy and wishing you were settled down with kids. The grass is always greener.

Let the ghost ships go, and focus on what you do have, and what you want next.

I think its a case of 'grass is greener'. I studied abroad and travelled, living in the states for 7 or so years. Circumstances brought me back at 25 and i remember panicking that i had left love and proper work too late, that i should have been working, have stable partner and be considering housing, kids lol. Luckily i met someone at 28 and now have what i worried I'd miss out on. But i think its only natural for to question choices and life goals etc in your late 20's. Lofe is what you make it. If travelling is important you can do it.with kids or make plans once older with your DH. I know someone who hadnt travelled etc when young but studied to TEFL and now teaches english in the far East now kids are moved out. They wont do it forever but for a few years anyway. May not be for everyone but they were a normal, average person in many ways who found ways to do what they missed out on, by a less conventional route.

I wouldn’t be leaving him. You have two under two- everyone struggles at that point surely and you’ve had a pandemic and a difficult childhood. Can you sit down with him and ask him to talk about travel dreams? Because there is plenty of time. My 50th will be kayaking around the whitsunday islands. With or without dc, I’ll leave them behind if I have to! And while it might feel that his career is locked into that one spot and that one role it’s very unlikely that actually happens. The dc will go to school and you will have the opportunities to think about what you want to do, and it won’t always have to work around his work or down the track he will have to flex. (It might not be what you want to hear but he sounds lovely.)

What a depressing, defeatist attitude. And I agree with PP, it's a lie

It's neither. It's reality, which you know if you understand the point OP is making. Of course you can make changes in life to improve it, but you can't undo what you have already done. And you can't move forward and improve on what you have until you accept that.

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I worry that by rushing to settle down I just settled in general, and that I didn't end up with the life I should of had.

You’ve gotta knock this on the head. Stop with the naval-gazing. Stop imagining that a better life was there and you chose this one.

It’s ghost ships. You’ll never know what would have happened if you took a different course. You didn’t, and you can’t undo it now, so it’s a moot point. It’s just making you unhappy.

You can make different choices from here on out. You can travel with the kids, you can throw yourself into a career, you can learn things, you can leave your husband, you can even leave your kids with your husband... but you can’t change the decisions to settle down, marry and have kids. That happened. Any changes you can make start right here.

It’s hard with 2 under 2, especially in lockdown. It’s hard to see other people doing something that you think sounded fun, but doesn’t feel possible for you, like dating and waiting for the perfect man. But there’s every chance that you could be doing that today, and be desperately unhappy and wishing you were settled down with kids. The grass is always greener.

Let the ghost ships go, and focus on what you do have, and what you want next.

Totally agree