To only realise now that I've settled

[claustrophobiclife]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, my parents were the textbook template of how a marriage shouldn't be, and what not to do as a parent. I always craved a normal family life, I never casually dated, was always in relationship, always looking to settle down. I met my now DH and I'm now 26, married with a mortgage and DC and I'm just overwhelmed with this feeling of claustrophobia almost, about my life.

I've had therapy, and I've realised how desperately I sought this out. I was just so young and I wish I'd taken the time to be so, DH was 10 years older but I'm the one pushed for kids now. I pushed for marriage now. I pushed to buy a house now. He was happy to travel and take our time but I wanted it all and I wanted it now. Now I have it, and it feels hollow.

Suddenly I have the stability I always wanted. A gorgeous home, but I'm wishing I'd travelled and moved away from my home town. Beautiful amazing kids, that I don't feel ready for, that I wish I didn't have just yet. And a kind, loving husband who I know will never cheat on me yet I wish I fancied more, I wish had more spark to him. My whole life feels dull. Like I've gone from late teens to middle age in seconds. I had my whole life to settle down like this, why did I have to do it so soon.

I've told DH how I feel, I've even considered leaving him, and he's just bewildered because this is all I've ever said I wanted. I feel so claustrophobic and I literally lie awake at night wishing I could be 17 again and make different choices. Be young. Be confident. Travel. End up with a man who ticks all of my boxes. Be the person I want to be, not who I am at the moment, this miserable mum longing for a do over.

I know I might get some vipers on here, that's probably why I'm posting. Maybe I need some sense knocked into me?

To have made different choice you would have needed to be a different person. You made decisions that were tight for you when you made them.

I’d be testing my hair out if I had two under two during a pandemic!!!

Give yourself a couple of years. You’ll still be young for a long time yet and you won’t feel so smothered when they’re older.

right for you

Can you move abroad as a family? Maybe find a job with a contract for a few years somewhere fabulous.

OP, I'm 40. Many of my friends have children of similar ages and are lamenting not doing it sooner when they had more energy, or not buying houses sooner so their mortgages were smaller. Friends who had children young are enjoying more independence with teen kids, planning travel (post covid) where they'll have the confidence and maturity to do things as they want them, not how they think they should.
Neither route is wrong but trust me you haven't missed out on anything, just doing things in a different order - there's pros and cons to both.

Sorry to sound harsh but this is such a first world post. Most of the world's population is living on under a dollar a day and struggling to feed their children. Maybe take a look at the world news and get some perspective on your privilege.

I agree with previous posters that the grass is not always greener. If you think about your friends lifestyle there are pros and cons and you are only looking at the pros and thinking she is better off.

I read this phrase on here in a different context the other day but I think it applies to your situation “Bloom where you are planted”.

You have your life, your family and your circumstances - now make it the best it can be for you and your kids. I agree you can have loads of ambitions, goals and experiences in the life you have without razing it to the ground in search of greener grass which might not actually be better (for your wellbeing/happiness) at all.

@jellymaker by your logic the whole of this forum shouldn't exist. Are you just here to look down on people? Get over yourself.

I had a chaotic childhood and struggle with a nice, normal and safe environment. Your gut instinct can be to seek drama because that's all you know. I have a friend who is the same and I can see how she pulls towards dysfunction and has to be pulled back to normality which I think she finds boring at times. Maybe think about whether you are just drawn to messing everything up cos that's all you know.

I married at 24 and had three children by thirty. That means I can travel etc as an adult and I appreciate it more than I would have if I'd done it instead of having a family. This may sound trite but count your blessings you've married a man who loves you because you're you. Look to the future now it's only just begun..

Sounds tough OP. My gut instinct though is that if you were free and single suddenly and could go travelling and find new guys who you find super attractive, that would soon be hollow too. Having two kids under two is exhausting, you're probably a bit worn down and perhaps self sabbotaging a bit?

I would try and carve out a bit of time for yourself in the life you have now. Take up a hobbey and go out an evening a week. Make plans for travelling when the kids are older (you can still go for a weekend away sooner than that too).

Aw, I empathise with this. I feel this way too sometimes and I’m mid thirties! I miss my life in my 20s which was much freer, living abroad etc. The pandemic has definitely made that feeling worse. If I were you I’d give it some time and see if it improves post pandemic. If it doesn’t, look into moving abroad as a family. If the feeling doesn’t go away and you can’t scratch the itch, you might end up doing something drastic, so definitely discuss the options with your husband. I don’t know what he does for work, but unless he works in U.K. government there should be options for him abroad (and you!)

So who are you meant to be?
Who do you want to be?

Is there any actual plan or aim there or is it one of those completely unrealistic if only movie scenarios? "That could've been me.." . No it couldn't have.

You need to figure out what you want , what you're unhappy with and how to change it. Realistically, not going on an adventure and fining my true calling type thing.

People get different things from different relationships, so perhaps there is a gap in your life for activities or new friends who meet some of your unmet needs. No one ticks every box, and you can spend a life looking with no luck. I think you need to speak someone impartial about this, and suggest counselling would be the best option for you.

Sorry to sound harsh but this is such a first world post. Most of the world's population is living on under a dollar a day and struggling to feed their children. Maybe take a look at the world news and get some perspective on your privilege.

Sorry to sound harsh but complaining about other people's first world problems is such a first world problem. Most of the world's population still have feelings, hopes and dreams. They still talk about the same banal shit we do and listen when someone has a problem.

Maybe stop imagining offended poor foreigners based on the news and go travel and get some perspective on why you need to post like a cunt when someone's feeling sad.

This is what Oscar Wilde was talking about when he said “there are only two tragedies in life:one is getting what you want,and the other is not getting it”.
You have everything that for a long time you hoped you’d ever have but the problem is it’s not making you feel the way you thought it would. To be honest parenthood,marriage,all of that stuff is the same for everyone. You think you’ll feel a certain way but it doesn’t work out like that. You have to accept the choices you’ve made especially with your children,it’s not their fault. The only thing you can really do is to look forward,make further plans or change things to make you happier in the situation you’re in. Stop looking behind you and fantasising about the life you “should have had” because that’s a load of crap. It sounds to me like you’ve been hit with a fat dose of reality and you’re almost in shock that you’ve realised that you’re a grown up and you’re married with children. It happens to everyone. I’m 47 and it still happens to me now and then! You just have to get on with it. You can still have dreams and ambition that you can achieve but you’ll just have company or have to wait a while. Make the most of what you have and be grateful. You can’t undo the choices you’ve made so keep moving forward and adapt to your situation

I agree with those who are saying you need a longer term perspective. You may well still be in your mid-forties when your children leave home - still twenty years from retirement in your mid-sixties (touch wood). Plan, plan, plan. Real, realistic plans, not daydreams. Do you want a career? To study more? To let out your house at some point to go travelling for a year (you will need to save for this), or just to afford lots of nice holidays?
In the meantime, you also need to find small joys every day in the life you are living now. Notice your blessings.
And keep going to counselling or looking inwards, to understand yourself, so that you don't sabotage everything you have.

@Amortentia *I come from a similar background and I think you have to realise that a childhood like that means you grew up in a state of anxiety and unpredictability.

This might not apply to you but I found living a 'normal life' very hard to adjust to. I went through a similar thing, and it's only in retrospect I see how emotionally immature I was and lacked trust in everything and everyone. I felt like I was in a heightened state waiting for stuff to go wrong or drama to happen and when it didn't I felt a sense of frustration.*

I also experienced this - and rushed into marriage with my very first 'official' boyfriend when I was barely 21. I knew - as I drunkenly told the Best Man a week before the wedding - that I didn't love my husband-to-be and did it mainly to get away from my parents, in particular my mother, who was making my life a misery.

That marriage lasted less than 3 years, I was divorced by age 24. I then rushed into some even worse decisions, had a complete nervous breakdown at 25 and ended up homeless for awhile. Luckily I was motivated into sorting myself out and by age 30 had a good job, a good relationship and good friends - all of which I had been missing before.

Like I've gone from late teens to middle age in seconds. I had my whole life to settle down like this, why did I have to do it so soon.

I'm now 52 and I know that feeling all too well. I still regret that I rushed into adulthood so fast. I wish I'd had the guts to stand up to my parents and now kowtowed to them so much. Luckily my first husband remarried 5 years after we split and had two children, he seems very happy, which I'm pleased about.

Try not to look back. It's so very hard, I know, but you can't go back, as much as you want to. I hope you are still having therapy give yourself time to figure out what you really want - and what would actually be practically possible now you have 2 young children. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Most of the world's population is living on under a dollar a day

P.S. While I'm on my high horse, this simply isn't true either.

I doubt there is a country in the world with a median income of less than 1 dollar a day. Sudan (for example, because it's extremely poor) is 1.5 dollars a day and most are way higher than that.

@jellymaker

Sorry to sound harsh but this is such a first world post. Most of the world's population is living on under a dollar a day and struggling to feed their children. Maybe take a look at the world news and get some perspective on your privilege.

OP, don't aspire to anything while literally anyone else doesn't.

Describes her chaotic childhood and that's a first world problem. Arse.

Having two DC under 2 is HARD. I felt the same once but it did pass. It does get easier I promise.

I understand where your coming from and i too sometimes look back and wonder what if i had made different choices... but then i think to myself im where I am now- age 34 married with 3 kids. Had my first when i was 25. Im not going to be 21 again. Im a mum and wife and ive chosen that and need to make the most of THIS season of life. If your husband is kind and caring seriously be grateful. Motherhood is hard as is marriage. A committed husband and father cant necessarily entertain you as well. I do think you're expecting too much. Be grateful for what you've got and think about how your DH and kids feel. Your single friends will be settled down too before you know it and if you're not careful youl end up throwing away this lovely family you have. You wont be back single and 21 again you'll be nearly 30 a single mother with 2 kids. Be careful.

Friends who had their kids at a similar age are now in their mid 30s off travelling or doing what they want to.

I think perhaps you though the normal family life would give you the happiness you missed out on in childhood? Your expectations may be unrealistic . Whatever it was you expected to feel hasn’t delivered. I suspect you’d feel the same if you left your husband and had some adventures. They too might feel hollow. It sound to me like you want to keep moving to avoid the emptiness inside yourself. Don’t jack in your life for some imagined state of affairs where you think you’ll be wildly happy. Life rarely works our like that. Appreciate what you have and get some more therapy.

I hadn't ever thought of it as trying to recreate that dysfunction, that's something I'll mention to my therapist. Thank you for whoever shared that.

I think you have had this huge need and yearning which has given you the drive to build that life which you understandably craved. It comes from a very deep primal place.
Now you have achieved it you are hot between the eyes with the inescapable fact that living that life as a child nurtured and lived is a very different experience from living it as one of the adults responsible for making it happen. You haven't managed to replace what you were missing.
What you've actually achieved is something incredibly valuable but not necessarily exactly what you were seeking. What you have can still nurture you but in a different way. That, I imagine, would be a hard fact to reconcile yourself too.
For now, try to separate what you are feeling from any decision to rip it all up and throw it away, you are still healing from your wounds and now it's not the time for rash action. Try to trust that the perspective you may have when you are further along the road of mending is likely not to be the one you have now, and just hold off doing anything permanent.
Talk to your dh, who sounds very understanding, and tell him your emotional responses to your situation may be happening but are likely to be multi faceted in cause and as such, although they are very real, you recognise they come from a place of pain and as such may not be the best thing to base any criticisms of him or your life upon, but that you and he will need to be patient with the emotions stirred up while they are gently examined and hopefully replaced with more healthy ones which are genuine also but closer to your own true self than the version of you filtered through layers of damage and distress.
I personally only met my dh around your age and didn't have children until 34, I had travelled (Australia, Germany, China) I still had feelings of claustrophobia when the kids were the age yours are. I also am now mid 40's and still very much in young children zone of life while my peers who started families younger are doing all kinds of things both with and without their children that I can only envy from the sidelines.
The perspective I now have at middle age which I wouldn't have had in my 20's (though you heard it said of course, but we supply humans never do learn much until we live it ourselves) is that all lives have their time and their season and the ideal pattern of events is deviated from for most one way or another at some point as to make it laughable that we take it as a normal thing to aspire to. Some folks I know would 5 years ago have looked like they had it all, but now illness/divorce/redundancy/other bump in the road has hit and their life heads off down another road and who knows where it will go. So, your story is unfolding still and the ending isn't written. Find joy where you can for now and take the journey with your therapist that will bring you to the point where you can see clearly and maybe you find that you have to let go of a lot of things before you can accept your lovely life for what it is instead of what it isn't.
Meanwhile you have achieved something many spend a lifetime looking for and never get, it is a coveted thing for good reason, a life where you can give love and receive it back is soul heaven. But that doesn't mean you as a person have to be buried. You have done an amazing thing, you have built yourself a strong loving base which can be a springboard to all the other things you are missing. Without this home and partner life wouldn't necessarily be what you think you've missed, but it's ok to grieve the life that was robbed from you by your childhood. In fact most people still feel the ripple effect of their start in life for ever, it's a prices of coming to terms with it while not passing on the damage to the next generation of sabotaging yourself that is in fact the art of life.
Travel, study, do all the fun things, it will come if you wish it - look at you - you're great at making your goals happen, and now you have 3 lovely folk who will be cheering you on while you do it. Priceless.