To only realise now that I've settled

[claustrophobiclife]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, my parents were the textbook template of how a marriage shouldn't be, and what not to do as a parent. I always craved a normal family life, I never casually dated, was always in relationship, always looking to settle down. I met my now DH and I'm now 26, married with a mortgage and DC and I'm just overwhelmed with this feeling of claustrophobia almost, about my life.

I've had therapy, and I've realised how desperately I sought this out. I was just so young and I wish I'd taken the time to be so, DH was 10 years older but I'm the one pushed for kids now. I pushed for marriage now. I pushed to buy a house now. He was happy to travel and take our time but I wanted it all and I wanted it now. Now I have it, and it feels hollow.

Suddenly I have the stability I always wanted. A gorgeous home, but I'm wishing I'd travelled and moved away from my home town. Beautiful amazing kids, that I don't feel ready for, that I wish I didn't have just yet. And a kind, loving husband who I know will never cheat on me yet I wish I fancied more, I wish had more spark to him. My whole life feels dull. Like I've gone from late teens to middle age in seconds. I had my whole life to settle down like this, why did I have to do it so soon.

I've told DH how I feel, I've even considered leaving him, and he's just bewildered because this is all I've ever said I wanted. I feel so claustrophobic and I literally lie awake at night wishing I could be 17 again and make different choices. Be young. Be confident. Travel. End up with a man who ticks all of my boxes. Be the person I want to be, not who I am at the moment, this miserable mum longing for a do over.

I know I might get some vipers on here, that's probably why I'm posting. Maybe I need some sense knocked into me?

OP, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Are you continuing therapy? Do you have any support with childcare?

With covid life is tougher than it should be. And you have a right to feel the way you do, so be kind to yourself. If you feel you can't cope, talk to your GP. There's help available.

It will get better. You can get help and your children will continue to grow into amazing people. And when they grow up and leave home, you'll still be so young. How amazing is that?

@claustrophobiclife I think you need some perspective. It's sounds as if you have regrets for settling down and missing the freedoms and opportunities of your 20s. I get that and was very against having children or settliing until my thirties. Like other posters have said - you can't take the children back, you made the decesion to have them. You would still be responsible for them if you separated. Given you have had children young if means you will likely have greater freedom and time to do the things you want fun and career wise in your late 30s/40s which is still so young. I felt very claustrophobicand felt a bit like running away in the draining early years. It gets better as they get more independent.

The other thing to consider is we are in the middle of a global pandemic. I would feel resentful I had my carefree 20s at a point I couldn't travel or even my friends for night out!! It's a shit time to be young and free!

I would recommend getting counselling to look at some of the issues from your childhood.

@claustrophobiclife

I have two under two, so I'm exhausted yes and life has been far from normal so its probably exacerbated it. I'm just so jealous of my non settled friends. One of my friends is dating and is ruthless, anyone less than perfect doesn't get a second look. I wish I'd had that attitude, DH is kind and caring and a great parent but he doesn't make me laugh, or make me feel as giddy with love as I did with other people. I am more conventionally attractive than him and had attention from people better looking and it's just this thought in my head that maybe I would of done better for myself (not better in general, he is great but someone better suited to me) if I'd just taken my time

To be brutally honest it sounds like your DH could do better, not you.

Honestly I think you have ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome. You will be able to travel when you are older and the children have moved out. I bet your friends wished they were you!

Imagine having to go out and look for Mr.Right during a pandemic, being alone, you wouldn’t of been able to travel for the last year anyway.

Why not travel with your husband and kids? You must feel overwhelmed with two under 2, it’s not surprising the way you feel, but just think how lonely and sad you would be without your children and husband.

You want your cake and to eat it too.

You have everything, but you want more, so much that your willing to implode your family from its core because your chasing a dream.

It’s never to late to be who you wanted to be.

You can’t change the past, but you can start where you are and change the future.

If it helps, I did plenty of working abroad and travelling etc in my 20s and 30s, and have just had my first baby at 40. By the time I’m free again I’ll be nearly 60, whereas you’ll only be mid-40s.

(One thing you could change now though, is writing “would have, should have” or “would’ve, should’ve” rather than “would of, should of”)

In in my 40s with two tweens. My partner (not their dad) is 5 years younger than me. His son is at uni and he has complete freedom to come and go as he pleases, and is now starting to do the stuff I did in my 20s and early 30s. It doesn't have to be 'first fun, then kids'. You sound v grass is greener and it v v rarely is, I promise. I left a relationship with a lovely solid man for a sexy rock band type. Guess which one was an utter shit?? Hang in there.

You do need some perspective. You chose this life and now regret it. Tough you can't send the kids back. What you can do, finances permitting is pop them in nursery so you can work more hours to save for the holidays you want to go on. You can take up a hobby in the evenings. Having two under two is hard, I've been there but it does get better and you will get more freedom as they start preschool or nursery but how you use that time is up to you. You can make time for yourself even with two young children but you have to make it happen. So you either explain to your dh that you feel you have lost yourself a bit and want to do some things on your own, or you ask family members for help or get paid childcare but you have to make it happen and a woe is me attitude isn't going to get you there. Set yourself new goals or challenges. Your feelings are valid but yabu not to do anything about them.

With regards to your dh I actually feel sorry for him. You have admitted you rushed things at your own pace not his.

The issues from your childhood need to be addressed if you feel they are still affecting you so speak to your gp re counselling.

Life is short though and if you are truly unhappy and counselling doesn't help maybe you should separate, it isn't fair to him to have to be with someone who isn't giving to the relationship in the same way he is.

You could have a husband who is better looking but cheats on with prostitutes. It sounds like you have a lovely life many would kill for question is do you love your husband? Obviously your dc aren't going away but you have a choice in regards to your dh.

Would your DH with you going away on your own for a week while he takes a week off with the kids and does something nearer or at home? This is what I did when my ds was young. Go away on your own for a week, spend ages researching and planning it and have an amazing week and come back and plan the next one for the year after - and appreciate what you have at home in between.

I’m 31 and never had a serious relationship because I’m afraid of commitment. I’d love to find someone to settle down with.
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

You can’t change the past, but you can start where you are and change the future.

Love this.

Oh my darling. You haven't settled.

I grew up with parents who I never could do anything right for and who hated me and I was never good enough.

I went to uni but it wasn't the degree I wanted to do or them as by then I fucked up in the head and was trying to do what I wanted which was usually the opposite of them and their highly controlling ways.

I married husband one -with a very lovely family -except it wasn't. He was controlling and so were them and I left before a year was up after he hit me. Disappointment for them again.

Then I got pregnant and he dumped me -I raised child alone. Still not good enough.

Then I married and had more children again to someone controlling and his family was controlling. Got a divorce.

Moved nearer them as they wanted me to -and it's all gone tits up as it will NEVER EVER be enough for them ever.

You have children now -plan to travel when the kids hit 18.

When mine at 18 I'll be nearly 60.

But believe me you haven't settled.

One of my friends is dating and is ruthless, anyone less than perfect doesn't get a second look.

Those people often end up single!

You are 26. You are the hardest phase with TWO very little children when life feels most restricted and mundane. Give it a couple of years and everything starts opening back up. You have plenty of time for a decent career, loads of fabulous travelling/holidays, fun social life with friends etc.

You have two under two. This explains a lot, they're still dependent on you of course it's calusphobic at that stage.
Wait until they hit school age and you'll feel it less.
I do think your being unfair on your husband though, you picked him to marry and pushed it. If you don't fancy him then stop stringing him along.

From what you describe, I really wouldn't be leaving your DH. I concur that the grass seems greener. You have two children under two - for many people this is the most stressful period of their lives and the one in which you have the least agency, independence and flexibility. ALSO, you've spent half that period slogging through a pandemic when so many outlets for socialising and self-fulfilment have been shut down.

You say you've had therapy. Is that recently? Are you still there? Because therapy to discuss your childhood and therapy to look at your life now and "unstick" yourself aren't necessarily going to look the same.

I think you should, as a PP suggested, be writing a bucket list. What would you DO if you were "young and free"? Specifically? Obviously the pandemic will be complicating things and you may also have to wait another year or two until your kids are older, but it sounds like your husband would be very supportive of you spending a bit of time and money on doing "something for yourself". If you want to travel, could you go away for a long weekend with friends or by yourself while he looks after the kids? Could you take a course in something new or join a hobby group? What would prioritising yourself look like, specifically? What, of that, can you do now where you are?

Also, I like the saying: wherever you go, there you are. Even if you just bolt to an ashram or kibbutz on the other side of the world, you'd still be you with all your issues.

@claustrophobiclife

I have two under two, so I'm exhausted yes and life has been far from normal so its probably exacerbated it. I'm just so jealous of my non settled friends. One of my friends is dating and is ruthless, anyone less than perfect doesn't get a second look. I wish I'd had that attitude, DH is kind and caring and a great parent but he doesn't make me laugh, or make me feel as giddy with love as I did with other people. I am more conventionally attractive than him and had attention from people better looking and it's just this thought in my head that maybe I would of done better for myself (not better in general, he is great but someone better suited to me) if I'd just taken my time

Sounds like you think rather a lot of yourself actually. However if you really think this isn't just a phase , leave the poor man and let him find someone who really does love him, it's what he deserves

@Amortentia

I come from a similar background and I think you have to realise that a childhood like that means you grew up in a state of anxiety and unpredictability.

This might not apply to you but I found Living a 'normal life' very hard to adjust to. I went through a similar thing, and it's only in retrospect I see how emotionally immature I was and lacked trust in everything and everyone. I felt like I was in a heightened state waiting for stuffy go wrong or drama to happen and when it didn't I felt a sense of frustration.

You're still young and you're still able to travel and do anything you want, but you might have to wait until your kids are older. But, it's also possible that what you feel isn't just missing out on doing stuff, you've not adjusted to living without dysfunction.

I know you meant this for the OP but what you’ve just wrote actually describes me. I’m 31 and no marriage or kids and push everyone away before stuff goes wrong. I am having counselling though but wanted to thank you for writing it as it hits home that I don’t wanna be like that anymore x

Op I could’ve written this 15 years ago.. now my kids are older I have a freedom I never imagined and am taking time out to heal from my traumatic early years. I’m in a really good place and you will be too one day. Be patient and try and see your freedom as being the other way around to other peoples

I have a friend like you. Chaotic childhood, adopted, craved stability. Got it, married a wonderful woman and had two perfect children. Cheated repeatedly, bike his wife's heart and created his own chaos.

Instead of that, plan. Save money for adventures you want. Plan trips, Google round the world tickets.

DD and I have travelled with DH but did our first solo trip a couple of years ago. She's going to be my travel partner.

And keep doing the counselling. You crave chaos because it's comfy, more than stability is for you.

In 16 years, the kids will be off your hands; with luck and management you could be mortgage free; you can travel the world.

Start thinking how you're going to earn the money to fund your world travel.

So the thing you craved and thought would make everything ok and safe actually wasn’t the cure. Simply having a loving husband and children and a secure home didn’t make the past go away or be any less painful. I don’t think you are alone here op and a lot have struggled with what we thought would make everything ok and cure an unhappy childhood. I recommend the stately home threads in relationships.

One of my friends is dating and is ruthless, anyone less than perfect doesn't get a second look. I wish I'd had that attitude

There are no perfect people, so your friend is destined to a lonely life of disappointment and frustration.

The grass isn’t always greener.
I think we all have periods of feeling like you do, I know I have.
Think about what you have got, rather than what you haven’t.