to NOT want to move away from my (absolutely amazing) midwife team?

[zaraa123]

So, my OH has landed a brilliant new job recently, but the only issue is its in a hospital 30 miles away.

For context, we live in Portsmouth, his current job is in Chichester (14 miles commute) and his new job is in Worthing (30 miles commute).

Naturally, it makes sense to move closer to Worthing in order for his commute to be shorter and I would have no issue with this if I wasnt pregnant.

I've been lucky enough to be allocated the continuity of care team at my local hospital, meaning that I will see one midwife throughout my pregnancy, she will be on-call 24/7 to attend delivery and she will perform all my post-natal care. After hearing stories of others' care, I just dont think that I will get this quality of care anywhere else I go. Not to mention, I really, really like my midwife. This is my first baby, and the support and care involved is really important to me.

As well as this, all my family live locally to Portsmouth (within walking distance) and I do not drive. I'm self-employed, which is easy when it comes to re-loacting, but it also means that I heavily rely on my family for support rather than colleages so being close to my family is really important to me.

OH is desperate to move to Worthing but I'm not budging on wanting to stay in Portsmouth until at least 6 months after baby is born (due Oct). Is it unreasonable for me to be firm and strict on this? I understand that his commute will be further, but in my eyes, him having to get up an extra 30 minutes in the morning to get to work isn't as important as my mental well-being and the health of me and our baby.

It's causing a lot of arguments and stress as neither of us are willing to budge. I've tried to compromise and say we can move closer but still within catchment of my hospital, but it seems to be either his way or nothing at the moment. Any advice on how to deal with it, or any reality checks that I'm actually being the bad person here would be massively appreciated! Thank you

YABU about the midwife thing
YANBU not to want to leave your family. For that reason i would stay put permanently. 30 miles is not a particularly long commute.

Hang on? You are reluctant to move house because you like your midwife? That is the strangest reason for not wanting to move.

I'd have thought the majority of midwives are ok really. There cold be many reasons why you won't actually get your midwife at the birth, what if another of her patients give birth in the hours before you, she would finish her shift and you'd get someone else. She may be on leave that week, or she could move jobs herself.

If you are anxious about giving birth you could get a doula, that would give you consistency and an advocate.

I'd say having family around is a much better reason to stay in Portsmouth.

You are definitely NOT guaranteed to get the same midwife all the way up to, and present during, your birth!

I’m currently on Labour ward at Worthing hospital, and I will say my care throughout this and my previous pregnancies have been amazing! They’ve just introduced community continuity caseloading so I’ve seen same midwife throughout booking right up until now. No other comments, but hopefully a bit of reassurance.

30 miles isn't a particularly long commute.

Why can't he carry on driving to work?

30 miles isn’t far for him to commute
Yabu about the midwife thing, you’ll be assigned a new one

What a bizarre thing.

Not wanting to move due to liking your midwife is odd. However not wanting to move further away from your family is entirely reasonable, esp if you’re self employed and about to have your first baby.

I think he needs to suck up the commute. Tell him he’ll be grateful for an extra 30 mins peace with a podcast when the baby comes!

30 miles is barely a commute. I would not leave my family support for that.

I also understand about midwife, I loved mine and when she moved surgeries I actually stayed with her.

you do not have to move, area at least. he can move if he wants.

I think your answer of waiting until at least 6 months after the birth is a sensible one personally. 30 miles isn't a particularly long commute and finding a midwife you really like isn't a given anywhere else (I saw a different one every single time with both my daughters who were born 10 years apart in completely different areas). I'd also be cautious of moving away from close family if you can't drive at a time when you will be at your most vulnerable. You are already going to be facing the biggest upheaval of your life and reducing your earning capacity and you're not married. He should have thought of the practicalities and your feelings before applying for and taking a new job 30 miles away.

If I were going to do that commute I'd investigate trains. A27 can be a bottle neck.

Tbh if you're selling and buying, you are likely not going to move before the birth anyway. He can commute and you can revisit moving later on.

@Lozzalou9191 this is really, really great to know! Thank you so much for letting me know!

And RE the midwife thing, I'm under a specific, seperate team who only care for 30 women at a time to assure the continuity of care. I've heard that others not under this team see a different midwife at each appointment and so far I've only seen my assigned midwife if that makes sense?

Is there an option that he keeps his current job? I don’t think your mental health and baby is more important then his job and his health sorry. It’s equally important. What is his job? Is he a doctor or something? It so he’s bound to be under stress and adding an extra 30 mins driving time might not matter to you but to him it could. If you need to stay local then I’d advise he keep his current job as it’s not fair . Could learning to drive be an option in the future for you?

I've just googled Gosport to Chichester hospital, it's 55 minutes, my kids school bus commute is 45 minutes, and they aren't the last stop.

The midwife thing is short term but your actual day to day location for family and friends support, whether that's children or work, is a priority. 30 miles isn't a massive commute unless the roads are horrific and it takes 3 hours! I think your partner needs to get on with it. Or you compromise and move a bit closer but then family etc wouldn't be walking distance so I'd stay put. Does your OH not benefit from these close ties? Surely he does if you will use them for childcare.

You are being unreasonable re the midwife, BUT not the family - family within walking distance, especially if you can't drive, will be a god send through your maternity leave - and as the children grow up as well!

@redastherose

I think your answer of waiting until at least 6 months after the birth is a sensible one personally. 30 miles isn't a particularly long commute and finding a midwife you really like isn't a given anywhere else (I saw a different one every single time with both my daughters who were born 10 years apart in completely different areas). I'd also be cautious of moving away from close family if you can't drive at a time when you will be at your most vulnerable. You are already going to be facing the biggest upheaval of your life and reducing your earning capacity and you're not married. He should have thought of the practicalities and your feelings before applying for and taking a new job 30 miles away.

As far as sensible goes, moving before the birth is so much more practical. Still daft to leave your family support when you're about to have a baby though. Doesn't he consider that his baby might like to be near their family

Other trusts are doing continuity of care, ours certainly are. Although I don’t think they guarantee they will be there at Labour. My midwife has clinic days and days that she is in the hospital. If she’s in the hospital when I go into Labour, she’ll definitely pop in and if not, she’ll try to see me when she’s back in the hospital. But if I go into Labour on one of her clinic days when she is providing care to other women, then she will not rush in to help with my Labour as that wouldn’t be providing continuity of care to her other patients.

I live 28 miles miles from work and 31 miles away from the hospital, so driving 30 miles to the hospital or work doesn’t really phase me though.

Will you actually want to move in six months? When you’ve got a young baby; and have got used to family being down the road?

[quote zaraa123]@Lozzalou9191 this is really, really great to know! Thank you so much for letting me know!

And RE the midwife thing, I'm under a specific, seperate team who only care for 30 women at a time to assure the continuity of care. I've heard that others not under this team see a different midwife at each appointment and so far I've only seen my assigned midwife if that makes sense?[/quote]
Everyone gets it, we just aren't sure why it matters enough to base moving house on. Seeing a different midwife every now and then isn't a major issue. If you have to move to consultant led you won't be seeing the same consultant every time either. You will still have a named midwife who you should be able to make appointments with.

You're all completely right about the midwife thing- it's not the be all and end all so maybe I need to re-think my priorities there. Family on the other hand yes, and we're both very close with them so would definitely both benefit from having them so close by. I keep trying to stress the fact that commuting is part of having a job (I cant fully understand as I'm self employed and commute to my kitchen!) but that everybody communtes in some way, shape or form.

I just cant bare the thought of being isolated in a new town, unable to drive, with a new baby with no family or support around. I definitely plan on learning once baby is here so moving to Worthing afterwards will definitely be more doable as I can just hop in the car and down the road to see my family, but right now its not financially sensible as I'm saving every extra penny so I can have a few months off after baby is here.

Also, if you did want to move, you can stay at the same hospital if you want.

@zaraa123

You're all completely right about the midwife thing- it's not the be all and end all so maybe I need to re-think my priorities there. Family on the other hand yes, and we're both very close with them so would definitely both benefit from having them so close by. I keep trying to stress the fact that commuting is part of having a job (I cant fully understand as I'm self employed and commute to my kitchen!) but that everybody communtes in some way, shape or form.

I just cant bare the thought of being isolated in a new town, unable to drive, with a new baby with no family or support around. I definitely plan on learning once baby is here so moving to Worthing afterwards will definitely be more doable as I can just hop in the car and down the road to see my family, but right now its not financially sensible as I'm saving every extra penny so I can have a few months off after baby is here.

Just tell him not to be so selfish. You and your baby need your family around. When baby isn't a baby anymore and starts school it is so handy having people who can help with school pick up etc. Family support is worth absolutely everything when you have a child.

There's no guarantee of continuity of care, if that midwife has had another birth she'll hand you over to someone else. Wanting to be near your family fair enough but I'm sure there's a compromise location