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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want to move away from my (absolutely amazing) midwife team?

98 replies

zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 15:59

So, my OH has landed a brilliant new job recently, but the only issue is its in a hospital 30 miles away.

For context, we live in Portsmouth, his current job is in Chichester (14 miles commute) and his new job is in Worthing (30 miles commute).

Naturally, it makes sense to move closer to Worthing in order for his commute to be shorter and I would have no issue with this if I wasnt pregnant.

I've been lucky enough to be allocated the continuity of care team at my local hospital, meaning that I will see one midwife throughout my pregnancy, she will be on-call 24/7 to attend delivery and she will perform all my post-natal care. After hearing stories of others' care, I just dont think that I will get this quality of care anywhere else I go. Not to mention, I really, really like my midwife. This is my first baby, and the support and care involved is really important to me.

As well as this, all my family live locally to Portsmouth (within walking distance) and I do not drive. I'm self-employed, which is easy when it comes to re-loacting, but it also means that I heavily rely on my family for support rather than colleages so being close to my family is really important to me.

OH is desperate to move to Worthing but I'm not budging on wanting to stay in Portsmouth until at least 6 months after baby is born (due Oct). Is it unreasonable for me to be firm and strict on this? I understand that his commute will be further, but in my eyes, him having to get up an extra 30 minutes in the morning to get to work isn't as important as my mental well-being and the health of me and our baby.

It's causing a lot of arguments and stress as neither of us are willing to budge. I've tried to compromise and say we can move closer but still within catchment of my hospital, but it seems to be either his way or nothing at the moment. Any advice on how to deal with it, or any reality checks that I'm actually being the bad person here would be massively appreciated! Thank you Smile

OP posts:
TheatricalGiraffe · 06/05/2021 16:48

I mean..it's one thing to say commuting is the best part of having a job when you're going to the kitchen (That's not a commute btw)...

When you're spending an hour (and then some) sat in stationary traffic it's a whole other ballgame...Trust me i've had my "20 minute commute" take me over two hours before..

it's not fun so i can see why your husband is reluctant to do it..

YANBU to want to be close to your family but your commute argument doesn't really hold up..

Surely its better to move and be settled before the baby comes, if anything it's less stuff to move at least.. but then you won't be trying to decorate and unpack with a baby

CrazyNeighbour · 06/05/2021 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dyrne · 06/05/2021 16:55

Don’t blame him for not wanting to commute to Worthing every day - that’s well over an hour at rush hour (let’s face it, it can take an hour just to get off the sodding island).

I think there’s room for compromise here though - why not look at somewhere mid way? Plenty of lovely places which mean you can be closer to family support and DH can get a head start on the commute.

Original poster
zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 16:59

@CrazyNeighbour I understand its a huge ask, and if I didn't feel so strongly about it I'd be packing up the house to move now for him. I dont want to put him under any unnecessary stress whatsoever. The train is a much better option because yes the A27 is absolute murder, and its something hes said he'll consider.

I've suggested moving closer but still within catchment for our hospital (if you know the area, somewhere like Havant or Emsworth) but there will still be some sort of commute to deal with.

He starts his job in August, so we have time. I'm just exhausted with the never ending going round in circles at the minute. It's stressing us both out I just wish there was a simple solution.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 06/05/2021 16:59

Can you learn to drive now? You have time before Oct.

I get the midwife thing though. I was pregnant with number 2 when we were deciding whether to move or not. I was very firm that not until after baby was born as I really liked the hospital where I had baby 1.

Summerdayshaze · 06/05/2021 17:02

Utterly bizarre. What will you do if your midwife packs in and moves to Scotland? Follow her?

Original poster
zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 17:04

@Twizbe I would absolutely love to learn before baby is here, but the backlog to book a test at the moment is months and months because of COVID delays, and I'm trying to put every spare penny into savings for when the baby is here so I can take some time off. Granted, my life would be 100x times easier if I knew how to drive! Silly me shouldn't have put it off when I was younger. I'm really glad you liked your hospital, I think it can make such a difference to everything

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 06/05/2021 17:04

There's no way an NHS midwife is on call 24 7. You must have misunderstood. It would be a human rights abuse - she would have to make no other arrangements whatsoever for weeks, never able to drink alcohol, go on holiday or be more than half an hour from home, plus have constant childcare available.
It's probably the team that is continuous as the individual midwives will be on a rota.
Personally I would move before the birth. After the birth you will start to make new friends in mum groups etc and you will have a health visitor, gp etc which will be regular contacts so you won't want to disrupt that. Plus if you've had your family around for 6 months you won't want to leave them at that point. I would either move now, or not at all.
Presumably the move was discussed before he applied for the job? Did you say you would move? If so you are being unreasonable to refuse now.
Being near family can have its downsides as well...

Original poster
zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 17:05

@Summerdayshaze I dont think theres any harm in liking a midwife. I've heard some utter horror stories and having such a lovely woman who always answers my calls, gives me extra time at appointments and has actually taken the time to get to know me and my situation is really invaluable, especially as its my first baby and all new to me.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 06/05/2021 17:06

How bizarre.

The commute is not that long
You can't guarantee you'll get the same midwife
Even if you move away from family it's 30 miles not 300

Original poster
zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 17:08

@SnackSizeRaisin it was discussed before he applied and he was actually the one who said that if he were to get the job ,he had no issue commuting, so he is the one thats changed his mind now he's had the job offer. I agree moving before birth would be a hell of a lot easier too, thats why its so tricky to make a decison here, theres pros and cons of both scenarios.

OP posts:
JinxandBinx · 06/05/2021 17:08

Continuity of care for maternity services is a nationwide roll-out, all hospitals are implementing it, so you’ll probably be assigned the same way at the new hospital, if you did decide to move.

Vooga · 06/05/2021 17:09

Chichester and Worthing hospitals are the same trust. Is there really any reason from him to move from Chichester to Worthing?

Crunchymum · 06/05/2021 17:09

[quote zaraa123]@Lozzalou9191 this is really, really great to know! Thank you so much for letting me know!

And RE the midwife thing, I'm under a specific, seperate team who only care for 30 women at a time to assure the continuity of care. I've heard that others not under this team see a different midwife at each appointment and so far I've only seen my assigned midwife if that makes sense?[/quote]
This still isn't the same as seeing the same MW. And even if your specific MW is on call for your delivery, she may not be able to stay the duration (I've had a 51h and a 3 day induction Shock)

Don't get too fixated in your one MW.

Your other reasons for staying put are very valid.

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/05/2021 17:09

Are your family going to be providing childcare? If so staying close has advantages for everyone .
Is your OH going to be on call at all ? If so you will need to be near the hospital for this or at least he will and I can't imagine he would want to live apart from you and the baby.
When I was first a mother we were in the swing of moving around for jobs. We moved across England with a month old baby and again with a nearly walking toddler a few weeks before DC2 was born. I found moving before baby was born more stressful as it felt as if I had things to organise eg gP, mw etc of course I had the added stress of working out who would look after DC1 while I was having DC2 so that didn't help. Moving with a tiny baby was quite easy as they don't take up much room or need to have many things.

RedHelenB · 06/05/2021 17:09

Ivoted yabu purely because your midwife could go off sick, could move job , might not be working when you go into labour etc etc. If you live nearer you will have baby's dad at home to support you more as wel!.

Crunchymum · 06/05/2021 17:09

By the way the 51h Labour and 3 day induction were different children!!

Lettuceforlunch · 06/05/2021 17:10

I wouldn’t move for the sake of a 30 mile commute! Didn’t you discuss this before he applied for the job? Presumably he could stay in the role he’s in now? I wouldn’t want the upheaval and uncertainty around a newborn. Also, the housing market is manic now and you’ll miss the stamp duty holiday most likely too. Def wait until after baby is here and then reassess.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 06/05/2021 17:11

Don't let a good midwife go.
I'm on a due date group for our baby and some people are getting really appalling treatment tbh. My midwives have been brill and supported all my decisions whereas some women have had the complete opposite.

Sally872 · 06/05/2021 17:11

I would not leave family support to avoid a 30 min commute until I had learned to drive and had access to a car.

Original poster
zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 17:13

@Vooga he interviewed for the trust and the only available job is in Worthing at the moment, there could be the option to stay at St Richards if an opening comes up, but they dont have the budget for it currently!

OP posts:
DobbieFreeElf · 06/05/2021 17:14

Chichester to Worthing in rush hour traffic is more than 30mins Grin

hellywelly3 · 06/05/2021 17:15

I was promised continuity of care. When I went in to labour 2 days after my due date I called my midwife to be greeted with a recorded message saying she way on holiday for 2 weeks so don’t let that be the judge of this. If she’s at a birth with another mum she won’t be available for yours. Anyway a 30 mile commute is nothing having your family close is so much more important. I think you should put your foot down

Original poster
zaraa123 · 06/05/2021 17:15

@AnUnoriginalUsername I'm in a similar group for October! Reading some of the stories of how people are being treated is the main reason I dont feel like I can let go of such good care right now.

I feel like I might be being uptight about the whole thing but as I keep saying, this is my first baby, I'm not well versed on how things generally work and feel comfortable and worry free with the midwife I have, being told I'm bizzare for that is strange to me.

OP posts:
JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 06/05/2021 17:17

From your post I thought YOU were a midwife and you were being asked to leave your job. Personally, I think YABU. Can’t your family come and visit?