to NOT want to move away from my (absolutely amazing) midwife team?

[zaraa123]

So, my OH has landed a brilliant new job recently, but the only issue is its in a hospital 30 miles away.

For context, we live in Portsmouth, his current job is in Chichester (14 miles commute) and his new job is in Worthing (30 miles commute).

Naturally, it makes sense to move closer to Worthing in order for his commute to be shorter and I would have no issue with this if I wasnt pregnant.

I've been lucky enough to be allocated the continuity of care team at my local hospital, meaning that I will see one midwife throughout my pregnancy, she will be on-call 24/7 to attend delivery and she will perform all my post-natal care. After hearing stories of others' care, I just dont think that I will get this quality of care anywhere else I go. Not to mention, I really, really like my midwife. This is my first baby, and the support and care involved is really important to me.

As well as this, all my family live locally to Portsmouth (within walking distance) and I do not drive. I'm self-employed, which is easy when it comes to re-loacting, but it also means that I heavily rely on my family for support rather than colleages so being close to my family is really important to me.

OH is desperate to move to Worthing but I'm not budging on wanting to stay in Portsmouth until at least 6 months after baby is born (due Oct). Is it unreasonable for me to be firm and strict on this? I understand that his commute will be further, but in my eyes, him having to get up an extra 30 minutes in the morning to get to work isn't as important as my mental well-being and the health of me and our baby.

It's causing a lot of arguments and stress as neither of us are willing to budge. I've tried to compromise and say we can move closer but still within catchment of my hospital, but it seems to be either his way or nothing at the moment. Any advice on how to deal with it, or any reality checks that I'm actually being the bad person here would be massively appreciated! Thank you

My husband works 225 miles away from us.

I keep trying to stress the fact that commuting is part of having a job (I cant fully understand as I'm self employed and commute to my kitchen!) but that everybody communtes in some way, shape or form

I wouldn't say walking to your kitchen was a commute.

I used to live in Pompey and my then boyfriend lived in Worthing, the drive was a nightmare even outside of rush hour, absolutely wouldn't fancy that after work. Does he work shifts?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I think that you ARE compromising, *@zaraa123*, when you say you will move when the baby is 6 months old - that seems perfectly reasonable to me!

She hasn’t said for definite though and her family are where she lives now so when baby is 6 months she may turn around and say no again.

Sorry - I misread the OP, @CharlotteRose90 - if she were to agre to move when the baby was 6 months old, that would be a reasonable compromise - but even suggesting postponing the move is a compromise.

[quote zaraa123]@SnackSizeRaisin it was discussed before he applied and he was actually the one who said that if he were to get the job ,he had no issue commuting, so he is the one thats changed his mind now he's had the job offer. I agree moving before birth would be a hell of a lot easier too, thats why its so tricky to make a decison here, theres pros and cons of both scenarios.[/quote]
So he tells you one thing before he applies, so that you're fine with him applying; but then moves the goalposts once he's got the job?

Nope.

He doesn't get to do that. It's manipulative and underhanded and disrespectful of your needs. And you're right, you'll feel isolated - definitely not what you need with your fist baby.

He needs to give his head a wobble, and accept that he needs to do the commute. Like he proposed to do before getting the job.

I’m slightly on the fence but here’s my thoughts ...

• firstly MAIN ISSUE why on earth are YOU the only one saving for your maternity leave?! Is the baby not his too? This is surely a joint expense and you should both be saving for the maternity leave not you? That’s the first thing I’d be sorting over and above everything else.

• the midwife thing is short term. You are even talking about moving to a whole new around but within catchment for your midwife. That’s insane to me. Yes it’s nice to have continuity of care but it’s NOT guaranteed. I’m also not sure it is that critical. I had a team assigned but I actually couldn’t tell you who was there at the birth it wasn’t important and was rushed and my DH was my supporter and any medical staff were just that ... medical staff to help me and the baby. I think you’re putting too much emphasis on that.

• yanbu regarding your family links. It’s so important to have them around if you are close and are use to relying on them for emotional and practical support. We moved near my family for that reason and also because we wanted our children to be close and involved in their grandparents and cousins lives. They aren’t walking distance but close enough.

• it can’t be under estimated how much a commute places a strain on people. My DH is 35 miles which takes over an hour IF he leaves at the right time (is quite early!) otherwise use he’s stuck in traffic for over an hour. It’s been a huge relief to be wfh this past year without the commute. He’s got more energy and looks less drained. A huge side effect is the massive benefit for me abs the children (older primary age now). Their dad is around much much more for after school bedtimes etc whereas when they were younger he was luckily to be home for bathtimes (he always tried to be). It was lonely for me as well. I am really enjoying him being around more and would never recommend a commute to anyone. 30 miles might not sound much but unless he’s going outside rush hours is a big chunk of time away from family life.

As you see on the fence as there are pros cons to commuting v not commuting. I think the midwife issue is a red herring really.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Sorry - I misread the OP, *@CharlotteRose90* - if she were to agre to move when the baby was 6 months old, that would be a reasonable compromise - but even suggesting postponing the move is a compromise.

Yeah to be honest I suggested him not take the job. It’s hard one but if she doesn’t drive and the family help with baby it will start arguments again.

There is literally zero way to guarantee you’ll have any specific midwife at the birth. I can’t think what they would have told you for you to come away with that impression but that’s shoddy communication on their part (and a bit of a lack of critical thinking on yours but ultimately on them).

I don’t actually know anyone who had met the midwife who delivered their baby before the birth itself, it’s just not a thing you can guarantee at all. I think we saw about ten different ones across our five day induction and birth and they were all fine. Heck, we had a changeover a few hours before the baby actually arrived and a whole new team appeared and said hello (we ended up with the only male midwife in the hospital! Who was fantastic). It’s just how it goes, they’re humans with the right to time away from work, days off, shift ending times, sick pay, holidays, not automatons who can be put in a cupboard until you happen to go into labour.

@Dddccc has a point, you will definitely appreciate an extra 2 hours of your partner being at home each day if you do decide to move, particularly in the evenings.

YADBU based on the fact you discussed this before he got the job and he initially said he would be fine to commute. He doesn't get to chsnge his mind, put pressure on you and get in a strop about it.

Finances aren't joint right now no. We both put an equal amount into savings specifically for the baby, and I put extra (quite a bit more) into a different savings pot for my maternity.

1. He’s a DP not a DH
2. Your finances aren’t joint
3. Your family is in Portsmouth
4. You don’t drive
5. He said he’d commute

So no, stay put.

Longer term, why aren’t you looking at joint financial decisions? Things like driving lessons would benefit him as much as you if he wants you to move. Maternity leave is as much a cost for him as you - who will look after the baby if you need to be back at work? If it’s not you then he’ll be paying 50% of the childcare costs (one hopes) so financially, and as a father, it makes more sense for him to add to savings for your maternity leave - or be planning for his shared parental leave.

Do you plan to base your life around his job and career permanently, or do you plan to base your family life around where you have connections? If he got a job in a totally different trust would you move again even further from your folks or would you want him to look for job opportunities in the area you’re in?

Basically, if you’re unmarried I would be selfishly thinking that I wouldn’t do anything to my own detriment and just to his benefit. Relationships can be unexpectedly precarious and having a baby is a big stressor so I’d want to consider my long-term options if I ended up a single parent. I’m not saying you will, but you shouldn’t be all rose-tinted optimism either. Hope for the beat, plan for the worst.

I think you’ve got more to discuss than midwives and a commute, basically.

I think 30 miles is a long commute if he's doing it multiple times a week. Tiring and time consuming, less time at home with you. Whereas your family can still visit for the odd day from that distance. I would probably move now so you can start making friends.

It's easier said than done though - not sure I would want to move in your shoes, but logically it seems the best option.

I don't think a decision should be made based on the midwife.

I completely understand about the midwife situation. Being somebody who has also been on the continuity pathway it is something I would strongly suggest you stick with. The only part of my shitshow of an induction/labour/delivery was that when things got going I was with my midwife team (each of whom I had met previously). They really looked after me and pushed for what I wanted as they knew how important certain things were to me. Their care was absolutely second to none. I would do anything to be put back on the continuity pathway again.

Having had a baby last year, I had different midwives throughout but this was really really really not a problem. They were all part of the same team, worked well together and were frankly flippin great at an incredibly difficult time for me personally. The midwife I had when I was in labour was the one I remember least because, well, I was in labour and focussed on that. Yes I do wish I had some more family support in baby's early life. But 30 miles isn't particularly far for family visits is it?? Depends on family's access to transport.

I think the midwife situation needs to be put aside here so you can focus on the other issues.
I don't think I would want to move at all. Your partner knew about and agreed to the commute. No I'm sure the commute isn't pleasant but it's not fair to expect you all to up sticks because he's changed his mind.
I would prefer to stay near my family and i suspect you'll find it harder to move in 6 months than you would now. You'll get used to having your family to hand, you probably would have joined some groups and made some other new mum friends. Can you really see yourself wanting to move away then?

Just googled from your home town to his job the average commute time is 1hr and 4 mins the 2 hours more added onto his already long days that will also be 2 hour less time he gets to spend helping you and a baby to be quite fair I thing you should move now and family can visit you as you say is only 30 miles, also I understand with the nice midwife comment but I never saw mine from a week before birth to 4 days later

I’d move for this reason. Two hours on top of his work is a big ask. My husband did a commute down that road for a bit in 2019 and it drained him completely... he basically did nothing but sleep when he was home, and he was a shell of himself. He lost 2st. That won’t happen to everyone, but it did to him. Thankfully it was a secondment, not a long term location change.

But I’d also prioritise learning to drive now. I don’t think it’ll be as easy when the baby is here, and it’ll be valuable for you and the baby, as well as being able to see your family easier. That will make the distance between you better.

But I should say that while I am pregnant with my first and very much understand your desire for things to go right and how you’re imagining them, I don’t have family, and that might affect my view. If they’re supportive, I can’t imagine that they’d have a problem coming to you if learning before the baby gets here is impossible, but I think you’d get a cancellation test okay.

my dh commutes 35 miles for work my bil 50 miles-you need family when your baby is born or you'll be stuck alone

and why say the commute was fine then change after he got the job

Based on the fact that he said there would be no move and now he's changed his mind, he can't really insist I think. Although it would be nice if he was home rather than driving for those 2 hours per day. Objectively it would be better for your family to travel to you as that would not be every day. I wouldn't worry too much about the midwife situation. Mine got food poisoning just before I had a baby and I didn't see her again until 4 weeks after the birth, having had home visits from 5 different midwives during that time. You might be able to stay with your current one anyway .
I do find the financial situation worrying. He should support you during your maternity leave (assuming you don't get a decent amount of maternity pay and unless you are a much higher earner).
And you are not married. You really need to keep your financial independence and that means all costs associated with the baby (Inc loss of earnings while on mat leave) are split evenly, and you go back to work after mat leave. How will this move affect your own job (if you have one)?

I would not be moving away from a place you know and family locally right before giving birth, to an area where you will know nobody for the sake of a 30 mile commute. I commute 28miles each way dh 37miles. Its a bit of a long haul but not impossible. If he didn't want the commute he shouldn't have applied for the job. Certainly I wouldn't move before he starts the job. What if he hates it or they decide they don't want to keep him... then where will he want to move to!

YANBU. 30 miles isn’t far and a good midwifery team is worth its weight in gold, I moved back to the area I had dd to have ds as I wanted that team who were very supportive of homebirth and I was met with a mixture of disterest and outright hostility about the idea from the new team. So we moved back.

Why are you funding the baby? Doesn’t he want the baby? Is he going to take paternity leave and fund that? Or when you think he wants the baby, you mean he wants it a little bit but not enough to support you to take time off work to look after it, that’s your responsibility? Seems like an express train from that attitude to he wants the baby but not enough to change a nappy or cook a meal or do a night waking or expect to get to the pub less or not always be able to do whatever he wants all day Saturday and self fund a solo holiday with mates since he can afford it and you can’t as your savings have gone to fund mat leave plus you can’t leave baby anyway so why should he not go? I think add in that he said the commute would be fine before getting the job and you have much bigger problems which mean you shouldn’t move at all. And you should go back to work as soon as you can as an unmarried mother with a partner who doesn’t financially support you. It will probably be much easier to go back to work with your family nearby.

I wouldn’t go through the expense of moving for a 30 mile commute.