to NOT want to move away from my (absolutely amazing) midwife team?

[zaraa123]

So, my OH has landed a brilliant new job recently, but the only issue is its in a hospital 30 miles away.

For context, we live in Portsmouth, his current job is in Chichester (14 miles commute) and his new job is in Worthing (30 miles commute).

Naturally, it makes sense to move closer to Worthing in order for his commute to be shorter and I would have no issue with this if I wasnt pregnant.

I've been lucky enough to be allocated the continuity of care team at my local hospital, meaning that I will see one midwife throughout my pregnancy, she will be on-call 24/7 to attend delivery and she will perform all my post-natal care. After hearing stories of others' care, I just dont think that I will get this quality of care anywhere else I go. Not to mention, I really, really like my midwife. This is my first baby, and the support and care involved is really important to me.

As well as this, all my family live locally to Portsmouth (within walking distance) and I do not drive. I'm self-employed, which is easy when it comes to re-loacting, but it also means that I heavily rely on my family for support rather than colleages so being close to my family is really important to me.

OH is desperate to move to Worthing but I'm not budging on wanting to stay in Portsmouth until at least 6 months after baby is born (due Oct). Is it unreasonable for me to be firm and strict on this? I understand that his commute will be further, but in my eyes, him having to get up an extra 30 minutes in the morning to get to work isn't as important as my mental well-being and the health of me and our baby.

It's causing a lot of arguments and stress as neither of us are willing to budge. I've tried to compromise and say we can move closer but still within catchment of my hospital, but it seems to be either his way or nothing at the moment. Any advice on how to deal with it, or any reality checks that I'm actually being the bad person here would be massively appreciated! Thank you

There is a lot of outing information on this thread OP. About the midwife thing yes I think you have realised you are being a bit ridiculous there is absolutely no guarantee she’ll be their at the birth, she has a life you know! But about wanting to be with family it does make sense.

I was also under the continuity of care team for my pregnancy, I had one midwife I saw for all appointments and there was a team of 2 other midwifes and a midwife assistant and one was definitely going to be there for my labour.

For my induction and labour none of them were there and despite being in the hospital, my midwife didn't come and see me the morning after I gave birth either.

So you might not actually end up with your midwife anyway!

I was kind of in your partner's shoes. I applied for a job 30 miles away because it was my dream role on the basis that I'd be fine with the commute. I got the job and suddenly the early mornings seemed less attractive. I did raise the idea of moving to my DH - he found the idea of selling up, leaving friends and (my) family behind unattractive. So I'm commuting because I don't unilaterally get to move my family without discussion. We'll review in 12 months if I'm feeling like it's a long term job. Your partner applied on the basis he'd commute, it's not ok for him to demand a move now.

Why do you say "I'm saving every penny" at the moment to afford time off? Is he also financially supporting maternity leave? If finances are not joint, it's even less ok for him to expect you to leave your family support for his job.

@cinammonbuns I agree. I was focussing too much on losing a good midwife (who is replaceable) and not enough on moving away from family (who aren't).

I appreciate all the replies here. You just kinda expect your pregnancy to go a certain way dont you? I understand, its not the end of the world what happens with my care as long as I have a healthy baby at the end of it. Thank you all for putting things into a bit of perspective for me

So the main reason you don’t want to move... is because you’ll miss your midwife? Most people would be concerned about moving away from their family (support network), not their midwife.

Also 30 miles isn’t much of a commute, especially if he drives. Plenty of people commute further than 30 miles. I could understand moving if the commute was 100 miles.

@Eskarina1 How do you find the commute? We would stay put on the basis that it was also temporary, so there is a 'light at the end of the tunnel' kind of situation for him. Finances aren't joint right now no. We both put an equal amount into savings specifically for the baby, and I put extra (quite a bit more) into a different savings pot for my maternity.

You’re being ridiculous and a bit precious about the midwife thing. It’s a “nice to have” but unless there’s a backstory you haven’t shared (like mental health problems or something) I really wouldn’t be impressed as your DH to be told you didn’t want to move because you wanted your particularly nice midwife to dip your wee, measure your blood pressure and check your stitches. She could very easily not be available for your birth anyway - covid isolation, illness.... or you could end up under consultant care. I wouldn’t base important life decisions around it.

I’d agree that the extra commute is potentially doable for you to stay near family support. Although I actually found my husband not wasting hours commuting much more valuable support long term than my parents being nearby.

OP ignore those who thin fantastic midwife care is not a reason to stay. As someone who paid for independent midwives for my second and third births to get what it sound like you’re getting I would absolutely stick with it. It can make all the difference in the world to your experience if birth and all the research suggests that it has a huge impact on wellbeing. 30 minutes is not a long commute at all. Stick to your guns.

I can see the sense in wanting to be close to family but Portsmouth to Worthing is a pretty horrible commute, traffic wise. If he’s working long shifts in a new job with new colleagues AND doing that commute AND getting up at night with a newborn, that’s a lot of pressure to put on him (and by extension on your relationship).

Personally I think I’d rather live close to his work so he’d be home to support me more and ask family to travel to me until I learned to drive.

Not meaning this to sound harsh, but you must be aware that there are no guarantees at all your midwife will be there at your birth??

A community midwife deals with appointments in the community and there are different midwives in labour suite.

What if she was booked up all day with other mums to be and/or not on shift or there is some kind of emergency happening with someone else.

I do get preferring someone but to be so focused on one person and expecting all of that when it is impossible to be the case isn't great.

30 min further and 30 mile commune is a bit misleading, as anyone that knows that road will know that its a horrendous commute

@Musmerian yes you paid for a private midwife to ensure they were always there when you needed them. Unless OP has missed this out this is an NHS midwife. No issue with OP liking them and hoping she is there when she naïves birth but there is obviously no guarantee. It may not even be isolation or somebody else being there, she simply may have the day off. That is why it in itself is not a very good reason for not moving.

I am only giving the information that I have been told RE the continuity of care team that I'm under. I have not get given birth, so cannot say whether my midwife or another member of the continuty team (I have met all team via a 'meet the team' Zoom call) will be there. I am simply just going by what I've been told and have no reason to doubt them.

www.portsmouth.co.uk/health/how-portsmouth-midwives-are-improving-maternity-care-city-1310098

Theres an article there about the team, for anyone concerned that I've picked this idea out of thin air.

Just googled from your home town to his job the average commute time is 1hr and 4 mins the 2 hours more added onto his already long days that will also be 2 hour less time he gets to spend helping you and a baby to be quite fair I thing you should move now and family can visit you as you say is only 30 miles, also I understand with the nice midwife comment but I never saw mine from a week before birth to 4 days later

we live in Portsmouth, his current job is in Chichester (14 miles commute) and his new job is in Worthing (30 miles commute). Naturally, it makes sense to move closer to Worthing in order for his commute to be shorter

Does it? I had a 40 mile commute and it took less than an hour.

@3Britnee the A27 is absolute hell in the morning, adds quite a bit of time onto the commute unfortunately

Why are you funding go your mat leave. You are using your savings while earning little money and losing on penguin contributions etc

The baby you are nurturing is his too. I would sort this first!

Plenty of posters have given you many reasons as to why the midwife is very much likely not going to be there at the birth though. Originally you said that she would be there at the birth...

Also, you could easily end up needing a c section for many different reasons.

There is a named community Midwife and different midwives who are on the ward or labour suite depending on the rotas.

Honestly it's exhausting but I'm not getting used to it because I'm only going a couple of days a week with other days at home. I have done longer commutes pre children and enjoyed it so I think it's more that I'm fitting time with my children and my share of the chores around a long day.

I know it's not the point of the post but you being on mat leave isn't a luxury for you, it's part of having a baby. He's going to benefit from you being there in not having to pay towards childcare etc.

Wow I can't believe the difference between trusts (unless you've gone private)! I had about 2 appointments in my last pregnancy, straight in and kicked straight back out again, the one time I texted one of the midwifery team I was told to make a GP appointment- fair enough- and the baby was delivered by the midwife who happened to be on shift and a trainee doctor. It was all good though.

Op, to give a different perspective, I had continuity of care. The same lovely midwife did all my community appointments and was there waiting for me at the hospital after I called her on her mobile. It was wonderful and I consider myself very lucky. It can work out how you hope.

Penguin contributions, hmmm pension maybe!

I like the idea of penguin contributions. 🤷‍♀️

As someone who doesn’t commute at all i think YABU to tell him to suck up his commute.

If he can commute 30 miles each way every day for work why can’t you drive 30 miles each way a few times a week to visit your family. Oh, that’s right, because you don’t drive. Maybe it’s time to learn?

I think that you ARE compromising, @zaraa123, when you say you will move when the baby is 6 months old - that seems perfectly reasonable to me!