See mother and maybe ruin children's summer?

[Yoyoyoyoyoyoy]

I live in France with my children, and my mother lives in the UK.

I am absolutely desperate to see her this summer but she doesn't want to travel to France as she thinks it's too risky. Which leaves me with the option of taking my DC (aged 5 and 2) to the UK. DM wants us to do the 10 days isolation before we go to her house, so we'd have to find a place to do that before we go to see her. Just the thought of being cooped up in a hotel or Airbnb flat somewhere for 10 days with my children, especially a very lively and demanding 2 year old, fills me with dread. And it would be rubbish for them to have to go through when they should be out running around and enjoying their summer.

It'll also be quite expensive (I believe about £1200 for the testing for the three of us, plus whatever I can find in the way of accomodation, maybe £100 a night) which I do have the money for, but it'll wipe out my savings. Plus DH can't come as he has to work.

I think what I'm hoping is that I'll be let off the hook; yes I want to see her but I don't want to spend my summer like this. AIBU?

[ouchmyfeet]

She's being very unfair to guilt trip you like that. If she can't cope without seeing you, she can cope with a far easier journey than she's asking you to undertake. Have you asked her why it's okay for you to travel but not her??

[Livpool]

YANBU - is your mother usually so rigid and difficult?

[MargosKaftan]

I think you need to be clear, you can't go to the UK if it involves a 10 day quarantine for the dcs. She is welcome to you. You won't make her isolate before going to your home.

If she's unhappy about flying, does she drive? Would she consider Eurotunnel and long drive?

[Teabaghag]

Wtf?

She thinks it's too risky for her (fully vaccinated) but she's happy for your unvaccinated children to be put under the same perceived risk?

Fuck that. She can travel to you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"she says that she won't be able to cope if she doesn't see us, so I don't really know how to handle that."

By asking why she's so unwilling to visit you whilst insisting you have a hellish quarantine with two small children.

That is some professional-level manipulation on her part. I think it's time you got angry with your mother, because she is being very unreasonable.

[Maggiesfarm]

I don't get how your mother thinks it is too risky for her to travel to France, but it is OK for you and your young children, to travel to the UK and quarantine.

Has she not been vaccinated?

[DenisetheMenace]

Why can’t you go by yourself, that’s what I’d do?

[Couchbettato]

Surely she'll have had both vaccines by that point?

But yeah, fuck that noise. I would absolutely not be doing that. The emotional and financial detriment that is glaringly obvious to every one would put me off and any sensible person would understand.

[diddl]

"but she says that she won't be able to cope if she doesn't see us, so I don't really know how to handle that."

But she's not wanting to see you badly enough to make an effort on her part?

So as you previously put I think, she doesn't seem terribly bothered unless you & your 2 young kids put in all the effort!

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Does she understand about vaccines? Tell her not to be so silly.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You will also very unlikely to be unvaccinated being in France. Roll out there is painfully slow. Then there’s your children.

Your mum is being incredibly unreasonable to expect you to travel and quarantine unless she’s too frail to do so, which I presume not.

For me, she comes to you or you don’t see her.

[ThatIsMyPotato]

You say you are desperate to see her but then that you hope to be let off the hook. What do you want? If you really desperately want to see her then do it. If actually you're OK and it's too much hassle then don't.

[saraclara]

Have you spelled out to her just how much this would cost you?

I suggest you say you won't quarantine, but you'll rent somewhere close to her for the duration of your stay, and take lateral flow tests every morning before you visit her.
As a pp said, if they're good enough for care home visitors, they're good enough for her.

[Bumblebee1980a]

No way! You can't quarantine for 10 days in a tiny room with two kids under 5!

Tell her to come to you. If she won't then tell her it'll be a while before you can see her.

No way would my parents make me quarantine in a hotel for 10 days. Absurd.

[Summersun2020]

Oh my god OP. This sounds like hell on earth. No way would I do it. I actually think your mums being really unfair to put these expectations on you.

[Awomanwalksintoabar]

Absolutely not. We’re in Germany, with children a bit older than yours, so I’ve had to make this exact calculation (minus the Air bnb to quarantine in - that’s crazy). The time needed, and the cost, tip it over into the “not worth it” category for me. Everyone’s got their own threshold, of course.

[Frymetothemoon]

Fellow expat here. I wouldn't do it even on my own, let alone with two small children.

She has the luxury of not working (I presume) and of being vaccinated, yet she expects you to put in all the effort.

You are right. Let your children enjoy their holiday.

[4PawsGood]

I think poeple don’t realise that the ten days quarantine is required by law, not the mother. The only bit up for debate is where it’s carried out, at the mother’s house or before.

I wouldn’t choose to quarantine with two small children unless she has an absolutely enormous garden with stuff to do in it (sand, water etc).

[BingBunnyIsAnnoying]

She's fully vaccinated but wants you to isolate for ten days!?

Why did she bother having the vaccine if she's going to continue living as if she hadn't had it?

I think you would be crazy to go to her. It sounds like everything has to be on her terms. Is she always this difficult?

[Excited101]

Are you aware of just how manipulative and difficult she’s being? That is an absolutely crazy idea for you to do that to yourself and your children. Can’t DP take any annual leave so you can go? Or you could go for a weekend and just see her outside? (Not sure what the isolation rules are). Why isn’t she willing to do what she’s telling you 3 to do? Not a chance.

[TicTac80]

@Yoyoyoyoyoyoy

She wouldn't have to quarantine coming into France. She could quarantine at her house for the 10 days when she goes back to the UK.

I'm not really sure she does want to see us, but she says that she won't be able to cope if she doesn't see us, so I don't really know how to handle that.

She says she won't be able to cope if she doesn't see you...yet she expects you guys:
-to wipe out your savings in paying for accommodation to isolate in for 10days.
-to isolate with two children for 10 days.

I wouldn't do it. Especially as she is in good health, and has had the full course of vaccination already. I think it is far easier for her to travel to you, rather than you having to keep two young kids cooped up for ten days.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I don't think she is being manipulative. She is an older person who is anxious about her health. I won't be travelling in a plane either this year and I am only in my 50s.

OP and her mum want to see each other. Her mum has said what she doesn't feel comfortable doing and has offered an idea, the OP simply needs to say its not practical and if she has an alternative proposal.

It could be keep to video calling and review closer to the summer, OP comes herself for a long weekend if her mum is happy to see her outdoors or indoors with distancing and being careful with handwashing etc. Maybe doing some testing will help her mum feel better.

Everyone is allowed to decide what level of risk they want to take and others should respect that.

[diddl]

The only way I'd be doing it is on my own & quarantining at hers I think.

[KihoBebiluPute]

Don't do it. (I am assuming that my vote of YANBU means don't do it, I hope I understood the OP correctly) - it's not a sensible thing to do.

It is fair enough for your mum to not want to come to France. She certainly can't expect you to go through all that and sacrifice all that time and money in order to ensure that she can still see you. Mych as you love each other, physically being in the same location is not worth that level of cost. Stick with contact via zoom etc until such time as it is safe and legal for the journey to happen without need of quarantine.

[Wheresmybiscuit3]

Ah no. She should come to you