See mother and maybe ruin children's summer?

[Yoyoyoyoyoyoy]

I live in France with my children, and my mother lives in the UK.

I am absolutely desperate to see her this summer but she doesn't want to travel to France as she thinks it's too risky. Which leaves me with the option of taking my DC (aged 5 and 2) to the UK. DM wants us to do the 10 days isolation before we go to her house, so we'd have to find a place to do that before we go to see her. Just the thought of being cooped up in a hotel or Airbnb flat somewhere for 10 days with my children, especially a very lively and demanding 2 year old, fills me with dread. And it would be rubbish for them to have to go through when they should be out running around and enjoying their summer.

It'll also be quite expensive (I believe about £1200 for the testing for the three of us, plus whatever I can find in the way of accomodation, maybe £100 a night) which I do have the money for, but it'll wipe out my savings. Plus DH can't come as he has to work.

I think what I'm hoping is that I'll be let off the hook; yes I want to see her but I don't want to spend my summer like this. AIBU?

[CadburyCake]

What will you do when you do see her? With two small children to entertain, is she going to be up for going to places with them, or just expect you to sit in her house? Will she expect you to continue socially distancing from her?

Personally I’d just wait until the rules become clearer - it’s quite possible that by the end of summer a lot of this quarantine stuff, both here and in Europe, will have been done away with and travel will be simpler. Wiping out your summer, your savings and quite possibly your sanity (quarantining with two small children) wouldn’t be worth it to me.

[ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere]

I’d leave the decision for a bit until the situation is less fluid. I think if she’s in her seventies, even fully vaccinated, she has some reasonable cause for concern. But the French vaccination programme has sped up a lot recently (not that you’d know it from the UK media) and things may look a lot sunnier by July.

In answer to your question OP, no I wouldn’t quarantine for ten days in an AirBnB with two small children unless my mum was in the middle of life or death chemotherapy or some other touch and go treatment. I might shell out for PCR tests for all three of us though regardless of what the legal minimum requirements state, especially if the 5 year old had recently been at school.

[TheSoapyFrog]

YANBU. I can't even begin to imagine my mother making such ridiculous requests. Nor being so manipulative about seeing us. Nobody in their right mind would think it's ok to quarantine young children unless it was absolutely necessary. If she isn't willing to travel to you, then you both need to accept that you will have to wait a bit longer before seeing each other.

[BrilliantBetty]

No I wouldn't. It doesn't sound as though it is a convenient time for any of you.

Go when you can stay with her and when no quarantining is necessary. Or she comes to you.

[Yoyoyoyoyoyoy]

I don't think she's being manipulative really, like a PP said she's just worried about her health. Equally though I'm not really sure she wants to see us as she has the idea that foreign Covid is more dangerous than domestic Covid.

[MargosKaftan]

I think it would be bad for your mother to pander to it, to be honest. .

She's had both vaccine doses. She has nothing to fear personally from covid. There are a lot of people like her who have got so scared, they really are struggling with stepping back down from "panic / survive mode" to back to normal. For those of us who realised early on all the restrictions where about protecting other people, not for ourselves, the return to normal is easier than someone who has spent a year worrying about their own survival to shift to the restrictions being something to protect others now.

I would tell her you won't isolate for 10 days before seeing her. Also worth saying to her that she now poses a greater risk to her unvaccinated grandchildren than they do to her. She needs to make the leap from protecting herself to protecting others, and might need gently guiding towards the new mindset.

[LittlestBoho]

She is being completely unreasonable to expect you and your children to give up your whole summer and spend thousands to see her. She is fully vaccinated! She could fly to France with an N95 mask, see you immediately with no self isolation and, when she returns, comfortably self isolate in her own home. It's a thousand times simpler and cheaper for her to come to you.

Can you lay it out to her in a logical way that she is asking way too much of you? Would she listen?

[LuaDipa]

I would just kindly tell her that you love her but you can’t possibly put your kids through this level of upheaval so you will see her next year when she’s feeling more confident about the whole thing.

[ItsCokeFFS]

She's fully vaccinated but wants you to isolate for ten days!?
Why did she bother having the vaccine if she's going to continue living as if she hadn't had it?

@BingBunnyIsAnnoying

Anyone travelling to the UK from France at the moment has to self-isolate, so why would the OP be exempt from this requirement?

You also have to have a negative test before travelling (these are free in France) and you must purchase, at considerable cost, two UK tests to be done whilst you are isolating. If you don't have proof of this then you won't be allowed into the UK.

Even when the travel restrictions are eased, it is very likely that France will remain orange so the requirement for self-isolating will still apply to anyone travelling back from France (and possibly most of mainland Europe).

We haven't seen our children/grandchildren/MIL for over a year. We will be fully vaccinated in a couple of weeks, but that doesn't mean we can just swan off to the UK without complying with the entry requirements.

My MIL is in her 90s and lives alone. She is fully vaccinated, but we can't just ignore the requirements and travel to see her.

If the rules say that fully vaccinated people can travel wherever they like and ignore all the current restrictions, please can you point me to the relevant legislation as I would love to see my family.

Sorry to slightly derail your thread OP!

[Sportysporty]

Leavecthe kids home - spend the money you will save on a nanny

[sirfredfredgeorge]

She might also agree to meeting in a 3rd country with lower rates than france and potentially no quarantine for either of you at any time, of course you'd need to agree the country and things could change at any time with quarantines.

Certainly don't plan to enforce isolation on you and your children it's bad for your physical health as much as anything.

[ouchyouchyow]

What happens once you have spent time in quarantine , you can still catch covid whilst here in the UK and pass it on to her?

Does mum feel adverse to going out and enjoying her time with you whilst you're here on holiday, or will you all be confined to her house in case you all catch covid?

[newnortherner111]

I understand why with the lower vaccination levels your DM not wishing to come to visit you in France. However, I would be fairly certain that hotel quarantine could be required when travelling from France to the UK for a while yet, and do not think this is reasonable, especially with a 2 year old.

Indeed if I was in your shoes and it was only me, I would not do this. My sister lives abroad and my mum understands that it may be next year before she visits.

[Mamamamasaurus]

There's not a chance I'd SI for 10 days with 2 small children. It's the 7th circle of hell.



She travels to you or it's Facetime for the foreseeable.

[MargosKaftan]

But she's had 2 vaccines. She has nothing to fear from people catching covid and passing it to her. Even if she is one of the tiny number who can catch covid with both vaccines done, she won't be seriously ill with it. However, she could be carrying covid and pass it to her unvaccinated grandchildren if she isn't isolating before seeing them.

The OPs mother has the risk issue the wrong way round. She was potentially the most vulnerable member of the family earlier in the pandemic, but she's not anymore.

She needs to move on from fear for her own health to fear for her accidentally hurting others.

(And you can get to France with a car and a ferry/train, you don't need to go in an airport if you are nervous about them)

[DarnTooting]

It's a big fat no from me and my 2&5 yr olds! We've done a few self-isolating stints and it's horrendous. As soon as there is no legal need to isolate we will arrange to see PIL for the first time since Christmas 2019. They will come to us as my pair can't be trusted not to touch everything!

[ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere]

Based on the available data to date a fully vaccinated seventy year old is still far more at risk of death or serious illness than an unvaccinated child. And maybe slightly more at risk than an unvaccinated forty year old.

I still think the OP’s mother is being unreasonable, because the risks to all three are very low, but there’s no justification to play “actually she’s now more of a risk to her grandchildren!” games.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

I'm younger than your mother, but also double vaccinated - I still consider it totally irresponsible for international holiday travel, and don't disagree with your mother; except being surprised that if she feels that way she is still encouraging you to travel, but with isolation.

[ItsCokeFFS]

@BingBunnyIsAnnoying

I owe you an apology!

A careful re-reading of the OP puts an entirely different slant on what the mother is requesting. I had missed the salient point that the OPs mum wanted her to do the isolation elsewhere before visiting her.

Teach me to read too fast.

I will go and stand in the naughty corner

[Ragwort]

She is being totally unreasonable- my 90 year old parents are making the effort to visit family, at some inconvenience to themselves, because they still understand that it is harder for people to visit them.

At mid 70 she could easily travel to you. Just stand firm.

[Magenta83]

I live in France with my husband and three year old DS and my parents live in the UK although they are a bit younger than your DM and I'm ill at the moment. We've been having the same conversation. I would quarantine to see my parents but I wouldn't make my son quarantine. My parents don't want to travel if France ends up on the red list but will travel if France is on the amber list and will quarantine when they get back home. We are all vaccinated. My parents are nervous travellers and will only travel if they can get travel insurance but they understand why we can't come to the UK yet. Maybe France will be on the green list later this year.

[Yoyoyoyoyoyoy]

@Magenta83 I hope you get to see your parents soon

[Mowington]

Have you decided what to do op?