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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

418 replies

KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:33

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 03/05/2021 22:35

I think it's fine. Just make sure you tell people so they can budget.

Didiusfalco · 03/05/2021 22:35

Generally speaking I think it’s better to do what you can afford than asking people to pay (aside from pay bar at party or something) but only you know your friends.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2021 22:35

As far as I'm concerned, if you are inviting people to a party you're hosting, you pay. It's in very poor taste not to imo.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/05/2021 22:35

I think it’s very rude to invite people to celebrate an event and then expect the guests to pay.

Toucan123 · 03/05/2021 22:36

It totally depends on whether you can afford it. Do you feel like £350 is too much to spend on your husband?

MagicMatilda · 03/05/2021 22:37

I would say if you invite, you pay.

LawnFever · 03/05/2021 22:38

I think it’s completely fine to ask people to pay if it’s an activity etc, I’d be happy with that for a friends birthday, I wouldn’t expect to have a ticket paid for me

DelBocaVista · 03/05/2021 22:38

This always divides opinion on MN but in my circle of friends it would be absolutely normal for everyone to pay for themselves- just let people know how much beforehand.

44PumpLane · 03/05/2021 22:38

In our group of friends if we were going ro an event or for a meal out we would alwasy pay for ourselves, I'm 38 and our group of friends has been established for over 2 decades.

Other groups of friends do similar.

It's o ly if we were going to someone's home we would check whether it's host providing, bring a dish or host buys and splits the cost.

Do you have no frame of reference within your friendship group?

rookiemere · 03/05/2021 22:38

It's fine as long as you make it clear up front.

MsFogi · 03/05/2021 22:39

YABU - you can't invite people and ask them to pay!!!

Original poster
KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:39

Thanks everyone. I might need to think about something else. £350 is a lot of money (for me).

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 03/05/2021 22:39

If it's "Would you like to go out for a meal?" I think it's more acceptable to ask each to pay. However, you can't really host a party and charge 🤠

Womencanlift · 03/05/2021 22:39

If it’s a pay event then it would be better to say “we are planning to do/go to x on this date. Feel free to join us, it will cost £35” Then it is up to them

Chillychili · 03/05/2021 22:41

I think it depends, if it’s a party and you want them to cover food and drink that’s a bit off. However if I received a text from a friend ‘it’s dh’s birthday I thought we could all go paintballing, it will be £35 each’ I wouldn’t think twice about paying.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/05/2021 22:41

Depends what it is. If invited out for a friend's birthday I would generally expect to pay for myself, e.g. a restaurant meal or a cinema trip or paintballing etc.
You need to be upfront about it though, tell people the cost at the same time you invite them, don't wait until after they've said they are coming to spring the cost onto them. I also would just keep things simple and cheap, people won't want to spend huge amounts of time or money on someone else's birthday (unless it's a group who already have a shared hobby and like to spend time doing it together).

thetwinkletoescollective · 03/05/2021 22:41

I did this for my 40 birthday party.

I think if you say it right from the start, then you give people the option to come or not - they are adults - they can make the choice without you feeling guilty (as in some people on here saying its rude).

Anyway I invited 60 people and thought maybe half would take me up on the offer and in fact, everyone did.

I had five people over for my birthday last year - I paid for them but I minised the costs by having pizza and hosting it in my back garden and that cost me about £300 all in.

SnoozyBoozy · 03/05/2021 22:41

I think it depends what it is you're planning on doing. Going for an activity, eg paintballing that costs £35 per person is ok to ask people to contribute to, but having a buffet in the village hall I would say you should pay for... 🤷

Original poster
KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:41

A few years ago, he planned an activity for his birthday and paid for everyone's ticket, but he has more money than me.
I'd expect to pay for my own ticket for an activity day in the same way I'd pay for my own dinner.
Thank you for your comments

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2021 22:42

I think it depends what it is op, can you say? And how you invite people. If it's clear this is something he'd like but you can't afford to cover all the costs then people can refuse as they want

Maggiesfarm · 03/05/2021 22:43

It's quite normal for the guests to split the bill at a birthday dinner in a restaurant. Your husband shouldn't be paying and, personally, I think it would be nice if the guests paid for you too but that's not up to me.

Original poster
KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:44

I should have been clearer in my title. It is an activity. I'm not thinking of charging entry into my house for a party Grin

OP posts:
listsandbudgets · 03/05/2021 22:44

U was invited to a party like this once. They wanted £50 per head. Me and DP stayed home.

It did look like a brilliant party but it just felt wrong.

Sorry OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2021 22:46

@Maggiesfarm

It's quite normal for the guests to split the bill at a birthday dinner in a restaurant. Your husband shouldn't be paying and, personally, I think it would be nice if the guests paid for you too but that's not up to me.
Not on MN. You shouldn't ever invite anyone to do anything for your birthday unless you're covering the whole cost of everyone on MN.
lostlife · 03/05/2021 22:46

Fur coat and no knickers

Cut your cloth to suit your means

It is rude and tacky,

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