Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For staying with this guy even though I've seen some big red flags?

89 replies

lostindreams · 03/05/2021 17:15

I've been dating someone for a few months. We have a great connection and talk about everything and anything for hours, the sex is good, and he wants to settle down and have kids. But I've noticed some red flags - the main one is that he occasionally gets angry easily over things that really aren't that important (nothing directed at me). He's also told me he gets very jealous although I've haven't experienced this yet.

He admits his temper used to be worse and he once threw a side table across a room many years ago. His friend who was with him at the time laughed at him so he realised how ridiculous he was being.

I have already decided this is a dealbreaker for me and need to end things with him but the pandemic has been so lonely for me up until now (he's the first person I've touched in a year as I've been very cautious) so I'm tempted to stay for a few more months for the sex, companionship and affection.

Am I just making the inevitable break up even worse as I will be more attached? I honestly can't face going back to online dating as it's so grim for a woman over 40. Is it so terrible to want a few more months of nice sex? Or am I over estimating my resilience against the stress of his temper tantrums?

WWYD in this situation?

YANBU - Stay
YABU - Woman up and just do it

OP posts:
RincewindsHat · 03/05/2021 17:28

I think you already know the answer.

In my experience, if I am seeing red flags early on, I'll only regret wasting time by not getting out sooner rather than later.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2021 17:32

I honestly can't face going back to online dating as it's so grim for a woman over 40.

Well it's not like it's going to get easier the longer your leave it then, is it?

And yes, I think leaving it longer will make the inevitable breakup worse.

Original poster
lostindreams · 03/05/2021 18:12

In my head I know what I should do but it's just so hard to turn my back on affection after not touching anyone for a year!

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 18:19

YABU. I have been single for 7 years and haven't had sex for 2 years. Rather be on my own than settle for less.

Dipi79 · 03/05/2021 18:23

You would be unreasonable to string him along for a few more months just to assuage your loneliness.

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 18:25

Temper and anger he can’t control could go so badly wrong for you though.

BurbageBrook · 03/05/2021 18:26

My ex used to say things like this. Tell me how bad his temper was, and stories about things he’d done in the past but never would now.
Would have never ever thought he’d be violent.
I was wrong.

Moltenpink · 03/05/2021 18:29

It won’t be that easy to walk away after a few months, you’ll be emotionally attached by then.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 03/05/2021 18:39

Unless you are very new on here , you had to know that most people would vote to fire him into the sun . Please don't settle for this .

FeatheredHope · 03/05/2021 18:46

You know the answer. You’re gut is trying to tell you and the longer you stay involved with this man, the harder it will be to extricate yourself.

Happycat1212 · 03/05/2021 18:49

I can see where you’re coming from, it’s easy for people in their happy relationships to say YABU but when you are single and have been for a long time it can be incredibly lonely so I can see why you would want to stay for a bit longer

FOJN · 03/05/2021 18:49

It's unreasonable to use someone for your own convenience when you have decided the relationship needs to end. I think it's the right decision but it seems odd that his temper tantrums are a deal breaker now you know his history and yet you're prepared to put up with them for a few more months for the sake of sex, companionship and the desire to avoid returning to OLD, it's demeaning for both of you.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 03/05/2021 19:07

The very fact that you are even considering not leaving underlines why you must. You aren't that far in and already you are doubting yourself. He is getting his hooks into you, being nice upfront while simultaneously telling you who he is, so that when who he is eventually becomes a right there and then reality you will feel that you knew what you were getting into, that it's your fault, he'll say it's your fault, etc etc and it will be that much harder, if not impossible to leave.

Buy a vibrator and get out while you can. Seriously.

Purrsuation · 03/05/2021 19:09

I can understand as loneliness can do funny things to people, but it would be easier to get out now.

Original poster
lostindreams · 03/05/2021 19:24

Just want to say that I'm usually like @Waxonwaxoff0 and would rather be single than with the wrong man but pandemic loneliness has done something funny to my brain!

OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 03/05/2021 19:29

Wow. Just wow.

Aside from the flags, yes, you would.

Imagine a man saying that about you: i dont want to be with her but is it unfair to shag her for a few more months?

Also, if he wants kids and you're over 40 that could be a problem...or you could be changing some details Hmm

Original poster
lostindreams · 03/05/2021 19:36

Also, if he wants kids and you're over 40 that could be a problem...or you could be changing some details

We've spoken about it and I've told him that it might not happen and he's fine with that possibility. For both of us, kids would be great if they happened but if they didn't we think we could be just as happy but in a different way. Got to be super realistic when you're dating over 40!

Not that I would have kids with a man like this!

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/05/2021 19:41

You're only a few months in and you already can't let go. What do you think several more months will do?

Lilymossflower · 03/05/2021 19:44

The longer you stay the easier it gets for him to trap you. Men with anger problems are usually manipulative too. Please get out now, while you can.

Suzi888 · 03/05/2021 19:45

@Pumperthepumper

Temper and anger he can’t control could go so badly wrong for you though.
^^ this.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 20:19

@Happycat1212

I can see where you’re coming from, it’s easy for people in their happy relationships to say YABU but when you are single and have been for a long time it can be incredibly lonely so I can see why you would want to stay for a bit longer
I'm long term single and said YABU.
CanofCant · 03/05/2021 20:26

The longer you leave it, the less likely you will break it off with him.

What if you were to fall pregnant next week? I know you say it is an unrealistic expectation but surely that would make you more likely to keep it and try to see past these red flags. That would tie you to him for life and then you would have to co-parent with an angry, jealous man who is incapable of controlling his temper.

blobblob · 03/05/2021 20:35

I understand OP - I've been single for so long now. I'd love a bit of physical comfort. But YABU - as you know - and you should leave if you're planning to dump him anyway. For both your sakes.

Unanananana · 03/05/2021 20:39

Put this one in the bin.

Know your worth. Don't settle for just a talented willy.

cardibach · 03/05/2021 20:45

@lostindreams

In my head I know what I should do but it's just so hard to turn my back on affection after not touching anyone for a year!
I’m bemused by this obsession with touching people. I really don’t get it. I want to touch someone be isa if the way I feel about them, not just so I can touch someone, however shit they may be.
Swipe left for the next trending thread