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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For staying with this guy even though I've seen some big red flags?

89 replies

lostindreams · 03/05/2021 17:15

I've been dating someone for a few months. We have a great connection and talk about everything and anything for hours, the sex is good, and he wants to settle down and have kids. But I've noticed some red flags - the main one is that he occasionally gets angry easily over things that really aren't that important (nothing directed at me). He's also told me he gets very jealous although I've haven't experienced this yet.

He admits his temper used to be worse and he once threw a side table across a room many years ago. His friend who was with him at the time laughed at him so he realised how ridiculous he was being.

I have already decided this is a dealbreaker for me and need to end things with him but the pandemic has been so lonely for me up until now (he's the first person I've touched in a year as I've been very cautious) so I'm tempted to stay for a few more months for the sex, companionship and affection.

Am I just making the inevitable break up even worse as I will be more attached? I honestly can't face going back to online dating as it's so grim for a woman over 40. Is it so terrible to want a few more months of nice sex? Or am I over estimating my resilience against the stress of his temper tantrums?

WWYD in this situation?

YANBU - Stay
YABU - Woman up and just do it

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2021 20:48

He's gone out of his way to tell you he can be abusive. Throwing furniture is abusive. And he's already showing his anger. And he says he's jealous.

It's a test and you are currently failing.

MzHz · 03/05/2021 20:52

@lostindreams

In my head I know what I should do but it's just so hard to turn my back on affection after not touching anyone for a year!
We know how hard it is

We also know the stakes

Get out as soon as you can.

((Hug))

Graphista · 03/05/2021 21:03

He's also told me he gets very jealous

When someone TELLS you who they ARE believe them!

It's only a few months in and already some pretty bad red flags

Aggression
Admits to jealousy

Single (to all intents and purposes) almost 19 years, celibate almost 4 years here.

I'd much rather be alone than with someone who is bad for me.

Do you have nobody else for physical (non sexual) affection? Touch is important to us as humans but it doesn't have to come from a relationship.

For various health based and covid reasons I haven't had a hug in over a year, that's hard but can be coped with. Under normal circumstances I am a tactile person with my loved ones but I haven't seen them in person most of the past year.

Staying with someone because of loneliiness, sex or physical affection when otherwise they are harmful is foolish and you seem to know that.

Original poster
lostindreams · 03/05/2021 21:36

Do you have nobody else for physical (non sexual) affection? Touch is important to us as humans but it doesn't have to come from a relationship.

Not really as I've been cautious because of Covid.

I've also been celibate for 2 years since my last boyfriend and before him pretty much celibate for 7 years. I'm not the type to have FWB or casual sex, I need an emotional connection. I have that with his guy but there's so much baggage.

OP posts:
DaphneDuBois · 03/05/2021 22:48

Every month you pointlessly waste on an angry man is a month that stops you being free to meet someone better.

Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 00:02

True @DaphneDuBois but it took me 2 years to meet this guy in the wasteland of online dating.

OP posts:
KizzyMoo · 04/05/2021 00:11

My ex divulged to me he was a little jealous and once got so angry he chucked something at his ex. He turned out to be a raging psychopath who put me in hospital. Not worth the risk op I've realised normal people don't say stuff like that.

ViciousJackdaw · 04/05/2021 00:14

Please remove your brain from your knickers and place it back in your head, where it belongs.

rosiedeus · 04/05/2021 00:17

It's just sex, you could get that from someone else, it's easier than you think.
And you could get it without the threat of potential violence
Because that is all you have with this man. Sex and threats of violence

Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 00:27

@ViciousJackdaw

Please remove your brain from your knickers and place it back in your head, where it belongs.
This is the tough love I need :D
OP posts:
Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 00:28

@rosiedeus

It's just sex, you could get that from someone else, it's easier than you think. And you could get it without the threat of potential violence Because that is all you have with this man. Sex and threats of violence
He says he's on friendly terms with most of his exes so it doesn't seem like he's violent to people (but then who knows how true this is).
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2021 02:28

He says he's on friendly terms with most of his exes so it doesn't seem like he's violent to people (but then who knows how true this is).

You're relying on one thing he says while discounting all the negative things he says.

Jekere6 · 04/05/2021 05:06

He threw a side table across a room in front of his friend, if he does that in front of people imagine what his anger will be like in private.
He's angry, jealous, has violent episodes. Quite the catch. Get out and far away from him.

Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 08:59

@MrsTerryPratchett

He says he's on friendly terms with most of his exes so it doesn't seem like he's violent to people (but then who knows how true this is).

You're relying on one thing he says while discounting all the negative things he says.

Definitely not discounting the negative things at all.
OP posts:
sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 09:00

"It's a test and you are currently failing."

She's passing with flying colours. He wants her to turn a blind eye and she is.

When he knocks ten bells of shit out of you OP and says "well you wanted to be touched" I hope it doesn't end too badly.

HyggeTygge · 04/05/2021 09:03

@lostindreams

Also, if he wants kids and you're over 40 that could be a problem...or you could be changing some details

We've spoken about it and I've told him that it might not happen and he's fine with that possibility. For both of us, kids would be great if they happened but if they didn't we think we could be just as happy but in a different way. Got to be super realistic when you're dating over 40!

Not that I would have kids with a man like this!

"If they happened"? Please tell me you're using contraception?
CanofCant · 04/05/2021 09:45

@sunsetsand

"It's a test and you are currently failing."

She's passing with flying colours. He wants her to turn a blind eye and she is.

When he knocks ten bells of shit out of you OP and says "well you wanted to be touched" I hope it doesn't end too badly.

I thought this too. He will also tell you he warned you how he is, he can't help it, etc, etc.

He already knows his temper isn't much of a turn off for you as you have stuck around so far.

thinkIamdone · 04/05/2021 09:47

You're over 40 and he wants to settle down and have kids? Is he much younger than you or unaware of your declining fertility? Do you want to settle down and have a baby? Are you prepared just to have a FWB relationship or do you want to settle down with a life partner?

If you get in well with him, and have not witnessed this behaviour, maybe remain friends and let him know for you there is no long term future so that he can move on with his life and you can also make other relationships. A sort of half way house.

Streamside · 04/05/2021 10:02

It's worrying that he seems to be preparing you for his jealousy and temper issues. The longer you stay with him the more difficult it is going to be to safely escape from him unless he's actually using you also.
Over 40's dating is complicated but you need to finish this relationship.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/05/2021 10:06

If you have already seen his temper this early definitely breakup.
I suspect it won't be easy it'll become dramatic if he is jealous with a temper.

KingdomScrolls · 04/05/2021 10:08

OP have you considered a Claire's law disclosure request? I spent a big chunk of my career working with DA perps and victims, none in my experience have told new partners about previous violence to ex partners unless compelled to by the nature of their sentence. If you do a request and it shows call outs or convictions it might give you the evidence to make the decision you know you ought to but are struggling with. Just remember if there aren't any convictions it doesn't mean he hasn't been abusive or violent to an ex, just that there's no police record.

GabriellaMontez · 04/05/2021 10:10

What exactly is the deal breaker? Something he once did but recognises was an error?

Of course break up with him if you want and do be honest with him.

Dont you have things you look back on regretfully?

Duoduofun · 04/05/2021 10:13

If you want children don't waste any more time on this man! I find it odd that someone you've only dated a few months is even telling you that he used to get angry about things. You've seen his temper first hand, surely things are meant to be light and fun at this stage of the relationship? Get out now otherwise you'll be saying the same thing 6 months down the line and it will get more difficult to untangle yourself

lilybetsy · 04/05/2021 10:14

My ex 'says' he's on friendly terms with me. he told a work colleague of mine we were 'still great friends'

We haven't spoken in years and I would go out of my way to avoid him.

Movinghouseatlast · 04/05/2021 10:19

I used to have a terrible temper myself, so this is a tough one for me. I once threw an ornament at a wall but have never done anything like that since (30 years ago)

The jealousy is difficult as it can tip into controlling behaviour.

If you add bad temper plus jealousy it isn't a good equation.

Could you suggest he has counselling if you like him? I believe people can change if they want to.

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