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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For staying with this guy even though I've seen some big red flags?

89 replies

lostindreams · 03/05/2021 17:15

I've been dating someone for a few months. We have a great connection and talk about everything and anything for hours, the sex is good, and he wants to settle down and have kids. But I've noticed some red flags - the main one is that he occasionally gets angry easily over things that really aren't that important (nothing directed at me). He's also told me he gets very jealous although I've haven't experienced this yet.

He admits his temper used to be worse and he once threw a side table across a room many years ago. His friend who was with him at the time laughed at him so he realised how ridiculous he was being.

I have already decided this is a dealbreaker for me and need to end things with him but the pandemic has been so lonely for me up until now (he's the first person I've touched in a year as I've been very cautious) so I'm tempted to stay for a few more months for the sex, companionship and affection.

Am I just making the inevitable break up even worse as I will be more attached? I honestly can't face going back to online dating as it's so grim for a woman over 40. Is it so terrible to want a few more months of nice sex? Or am I over estimating my resilience against the stress of his temper tantrums?

WWYD in this situation?

YANBU - Stay
YABU - Woman up and just do it

OP posts:
Derekhello · 04/05/2021 10:29

@lostindreams

True *@DaphneDuBois* but it took me 2 years to meet this guy in the wasteland of online dating.
Yes took you two years this wonderful man who has admitted he can be jealous and violent 🙄 in the nicest way, get a grip
Graphista · 04/05/2021 10:33

Not really as I've been cautious because of Covid.

But you're taking that risk with him so surely that's no more risky than with at least one other person in your life?

The suggestion to do a clares law check is a good one, wish I'd thought of it

Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 11:26

Please tell me you're using contraception?

I am @HyggeTygge! It's all been very intense and we've already had chats about how we both want kids. He has said to me if we accidentally got pregnant he would be happy.

@thinkIamdone He's the same age as me. I want a life partner and a baby although I am realistic about my chances at my age.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 11:27

Could you suggest he has counselling if you like him? I believe people can change if they want to.

I will suggest this @Movinghouseatlast but I think this will be a very long process for him and I won't be sticking around for it.

OP posts:
Boonlark · 04/05/2021 11:55

@lostindreams

Could you suggest he has counselling if you like him? I believe people can change if they want to.

I will suggest this @Movinghouseatlast but I think this will be a very long process for him and I won't be sticking around for it.

. This would be a very bad idea. OP, I'm glad you're preparing to leave. He sounds like he'd like to get you pregnant, he wary of him stealthing (slipping th condom off without you knowing) and make sure you're on some kind of contraception yourself.

He sounds a lot like one of my exes. I'm still having to deal with his anger at me, and even had to move house. Get out before he feels that he has more of a hold on you

thinkIamdone · 04/05/2021 15:52

Sad but probably for the best x

Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 18:28

That's terrible that you had to move @Boonlark.

OP posts:
SelkieFly · 04/05/2021 18:32

You cannot ignore anger.

HollowTalk · 04/05/2021 18:38

If you think OLD is grim at 40, think how grim it would be to be involved with a jealous and violent man and then go back to OLD years later.

You must be crazy. He's TELLING you what he's like. Listen to him!

MzHz · 04/05/2021 18:40

I agree with @Boonlark

Don’t mention counselling, don’t allow any risk at all of getting pregnant

Smile and wave and get the fuck out as slickly and and quickly as you can.

This man is potentially very dangerous and you know this already

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 04/05/2021 18:44

You clearly have no intention of breaking up with him or you’d just do it without coming up with ridiculous excuses as to why you can’t do it yet

PriestessofPing · 04/05/2021 18:46

Well if you want kids and you know this guy is not suitable and time isn’t exactly on your side the sooner you move on and start looking for someone who is suitable the better really. I’d get the whole wanting sex and being touch starved if you weren’t also hoping to find someone to start a family with but the longer you waste going down this dead end the less time you have to find someone who might give you what you want.

Original poster
lostindreams · 04/05/2021 22:44

OK, we had a chat about his anger and he said it would be good if I could ask him how I can help when I notice he's getting tired and stressed which is usually what triggers the anger. I told him that it's not my job to manage his moods, it's up to him.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 04/05/2021 23:28

Just fucking get rid! Why are you even entertaining this?

CanofCant · 04/05/2021 23:30

It reads as if you think you are setting boundaries and that you will have the upper hand and be able to manage him but I can guarantee you can't.

Sidesaladofchips · 04/05/2021 23:38

My advice in the nicest possible way is coolly walk away and do it quickly. Don't call his bluff on getting help for his anger issues. That is only going to trap you deeper. He will use this to manipulate you in time.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/05/2021 23:55

OK so your last post is possibly the most worrying. He is clearly signalling to you with this remark about you asking what you can do to help that he sees it as your job to manage his moods and emotions. He is manoeuvring you into a position where he can lose his shit or be sulky and it becomes your fault.

You are right that this is not your job, but don’t expect him to understand this. He’s basically telling you he is a manipulative bastard. Take him at his word and remove yourself.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2021 00:15

@thepeopleversuswork

OK so your last post is possibly the most worrying. He is clearly signalling to you with this remark about you asking what you can do to help that he sees it as your job to manage his moods and emotions. He is manoeuvring you into a position where he can lose his shit or be sulky and it becomes your fault.

You are right that this is not your job, but don’t expect him to understand this. He’s basically telling you he is a manipulative bastard. Take him at his word and remove yourself.

This!! What are you thinking?!
Tambora · 05/05/2021 00:15

@lostindreams

OK, we had a chat about his anger and he said it would be good if I could ask him how I can help when I notice he's getting tired and stressed which is usually what triggers the anger. I told him that it's not my job to manage his moods, it's up to him.
OMG. This is quite horrifying actually, and he was testing you. Turn it the other way round. His anger is triggered because he is tired and stressed, and it's your fault for making him angry by stressing him out...

Good on you for your response to his nonsense.

Will he be expecting you to help him with his jealousy issues too? Will you need to stop going out anywhere on your own or with friends because it makes him jealous when you do?

You need to dump him right now.

Original poster
lostindreams · 05/05/2021 00:35

@thepeopleversuswork

OK so your last post is possibly the most worrying. He is clearly signalling to you with this remark about you asking what you can do to help that he sees it as your job to manage his moods and emotions. He is manoeuvring you into a position where he can lose his shit or be sulky and it becomes your fault.

You are right that this is not your job, but don’t expect him to understand this. He’s basically telling you he is a manipulative bastard. Take him at his word and remove yourself.

I do realise how horrifying it is that a grown man thinks other people are responsible for his moods when he is the only one who can control them.
OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 05/05/2021 01:51

He has literally spelled out to you what he is capable of.

The fact that you are even thinking about staying with him means I will only say this....

We will be here again when you need you us. And you will. I did, hundreds of others did, because we didnt listen to what was being said to us, didnt see what was right in front of us, because we didnt want to.

My ex tried to kill me after assuring me he was "not like that anymore".

We will be here.

Lurak · 05/05/2021 03:47

he said it would be good if I could ask him how I can help when I notice he's getting tired and stressed which is usually what triggers the anger.
He is not a toddler who needs a snack and help calming down when tired, he's a fully grown violent man, get rid quickly and don't look back, do not go down the route of thinking you can change him, it could end very badly for you, ltb.

cakebaby · 05/05/2021 05:04

Why not apply for a Claire's law disclosure?

Shoxfordian · 05/05/2021 05:57

He says you should help him not to be in a mood? This just means he will blame you for not helping properly when he next gets angry making it your fault not his. Stop wasting your time with this one, it’s broken.

duffeldaisy · 05/05/2021 06:29

Please listen to the advice here.
Not only will you find it harder to leave this in a few months, he’ll be more attached too, so more likely to show the jealous, violent side.

The thought that you’re keen on having children and potentially risking having them with him is terrifying. What if he hurt them to get at you? For the sake of the future family you want, get out right now and start looking for someone who will be a caring father. Or go it alone. But really don’t do this with him.

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