For staying with this guy even though I've seen some big red flags?

[lostindreams]

I've been dating someone for a few months. We have a great connection and talk about everything and anything for hours, the sex is good, and he wants to settle down and have kids. But I've noticed some red flags - the main one is that he occasionally gets angry easily over things that really aren't that important (nothing directed at me). He's also told me he gets very jealous although I've haven't experienced this yet.

He admits his temper used to be worse and he once threw a side table across a room many years ago. His friend who was with him at the time laughed at him so he realised how ridiculous he was being.

I have already decided this is a dealbreaker for me and need to end things with him but the pandemic has been so lonely for me up until now (he's the first person I've touched in a year as I've been very cautious) so I'm tempted to stay for a few more months for the sex, companionship and affection.

Am I just making the inevitable break up even worse as I will be more attached? I honestly can't face going back to online dating as it's so grim for a woman over 40. Is it so terrible to want a few more months of nice sex? Or am I over estimating my resilience against the stress of his temper tantrums?

WWYD in this situation?

YANBU - Stay
YABU - Woman up and just do it

His mindset is that it is your fault he is in a mood. He wants you to control his emotions because he can't control them himself.

This is him telling you how things are going to be in the future.

His anger is already your fault in his eyes. What you said is correct, but words are cheap. Unless you set the boundary by leaving you've actually accepted that it is your fault is he gets angry. This will not lead anywhere good.

Please be aware that all abusers start out 'nice' because if they didn't they'd never get a victim. Then they test you and slowly slowly let their real self show, bit by bit, like a frog sitting in slowly warming water. When the water has started to boil it's too late. Jump now.

At the beginning the nice bits outweigh the bad which allows you to ignore the bad, tell yourself it's not so bad, tell yourself he's nice really because of xyz. They all work like this, and the end result is never good

@duffeldaisy

Please listen to the advice here. Not only will you find it harder to leave this in a few months, he’ll be more attached too, so more likely to show the jealous, violent side.

The thought that you’re keen on having children and potentially risking having them with him is terrifying. What if he hurt them to get at you? For the sake of the future family you want, get out right now and start looking for someone who will be a caring father. Or go it alone. But really don’t do this with him.

Definitely not risking having kids with him! We were just talking about it before I saw any hint of temper tantrums. Things got serious pretty quickly with us.

Things got serious pretty quickly with us.
Another red flag - classic early relationship behaviour for an abuser

@BewareTheBeardedDragon that's worrying. Reading back on everything I wrote I do realise how wrong it all sounds but it's just so hard to detach from these hormones.

Feeling lonely is not an excuse to stay with an angry person.
You know that.

Imagine if a bloke stayed with a woman for a few more months just to have lovely sex, all the while stringing them along. Nasty. Just end it.

Those red flags will turn into red duvets if you hang around.
Cant stand ugly tempers
No need for it

I can honestly say that staying with my ex is the biggest regret of my life, and it has taken years of various interventions and therapy for me to come to terms with it and make peace with myself so that I am not beating myself up about it on a daily basis. I cannot emphasise enough how much being in an abusive relationship can fuck up the rest of your life - even if you escape at some point further down the line. That's assuming he doesn't end up killing you.

YABU

I appreciate you’re lonely, I’m in the same position. But don’t stay with him just because of that, you’re better off alone.

If he’s like this now, he’s only going to get worse the longer you stay with him. Don’t put yourself in that position.

You’ve been dating for a few months but he’d be happy if you accidentally fell pregnant?! MASSIVE red flag alongside all the others. Drop this one now before you get accidentally tied to him permanently. And don’t let birth control just be in his hands.

@BewareTheBeardedDragon

I can honestly say that staying with my ex is the biggest regret of my life, and it has taken years of various interventions and therapy for me to come to terms with it and make peace with myself so that I am not beating myself up about it on a daily basis. I cannot emphasise enough how much being in an abusive relationship can fuck up the rest of your life - even if you escape at some point further down the line. That's assuming he doesn't end up killing you.

I echo this.

I can (now..) point out all the times I should have drawn the line, dumped his sorry arse and I’d have saved myself ££££ and so many hours and hours of trying to fix myself.

You know he’s wrong, very wrong, he’s potentially dangerous to you physically and without doubt is dangerous psychologically.

Deep breath. Do what you know you have to do. Value yourself and make the decision for you.

Hi everyone, just to let you know I broke up with him. Took me a while to pluck up the courage but the final straw came when he tried to guilt trip me because I couldn't spend time with him one weekend and accused me of not caring about him even though I had a valid excuse.

Thanks all for your messages especially @BewareTheBeardedDragon and @MzHz for sharing your experiences.

Even though I know I made the right decision, I'm still feeling sad and regretful...

Well done @lostindreams, you will find someone
much better who is worthy of you.