Would you go to this 40th?

[Lucaslucas1612]

It's my very good friends 40th next year. She is talking about going to dubai for it, great I thought originally, sounds good. However, as discussions have gone on she is talking about staying in a hotel and going out to bars and in particular these bars where ladies drink free all night. Me and another friend are uneasy about this. I have been to dubai on a family holiday a few times and found it great for that but I think for the kind of holiday she is talking about I am a bit concerned.

We are all in our late 30s/40s and married with dcs. I just think these kind of bars are free to ladies to attract them to go there for men. I have no interest in having men buy me drinks, I can pay for my own and think that in bars like that there will be certain expectations from the men. At the time of organising we were all married and me and my friend simply aren't interested in talking to men when we re out, we just want to have a fun girls night out. We can't really understand why the birthday girl would want that either.

Plus, I thought that being drunk in public and dressing in what is seen in a certain way is frown apon and can get you into trouble. Not that we drink to access anymore or are falling over in tiny mini skirts or being sick, but we just think we would be on edge.

Well fast forward to now and it transpires that she wasn't in a happy marriage and her and her husband have split up. She has a single friend 10 years younger with dcs and I can't help thinking she is being influenced by her. She's a bit of a freeloader and thinks nothing of leaving us on nights out because she's met some guy and no one hears from her in the morning and other things that have happened which have made me form this opinion of her.

Me and another friend feel uneasy about going and have pointed out the above points to the birthday girl but she seems set on going. She's a good friend so I want to celebrate with her but don't think dubai is the right place for that.

I completely agree with you, OP and I think these places could spell trouble.

At almost 40, you'd hope some people would have sense!

@grantoderek

Good old Dubai. It lends itself perfectly to make a bunch of middle aged housewives feel superior and grand by quoting a few BBC articles. It's not an interesting place and inhabited by the most vacuous Brits you can imagine but it's just a place. The whole women's rights bullshit again? No idea. I didn't much enjoy working there because of the drinking culture of the expats but the rest is crap. I managed over 200 men of all nationalities. Not an issue. Maybe look at other cultures where thousands of men gather for a celebration while their wives are locked up at home. And more than anything else. Get a job, go to nightschool, make new friends, travel. Anyone who links to an old BBC article as evidence of the damnation of an entire nation is so sad they should be embarrassed. It's just a place, no better or worse than many others and certainly less disgracefully mysoginisy than other places.

Bravo!

Same folk who think nothing of a family trip to India or would probably enjoy a trek through Syria due to the culture.
Dubai is modern and glitzy and superficial that’s the real issue people have with it.

Oh dear poor old grantodereks middle aged addle must've kicked in and they've ended up lost. This is Mumsnet dear, that's right Mumsnet. Women's rights bullshit is pretty popular around here, I think you might have taken a wrong turn somewhere

I went to Dubai with my husband. We went to ladies nights and they just give you band so you just don't pay for drinks. It was really simple, I got quite drunk but was safe with my husband. You wouldn't want to walk down the streets pissed but in the clubs/hotels it's fine. Then you jump in a cab and go home.

Obviously my experience was different as I was with my husband, I just wanted to say that the ladies nights aren't as toxic as you might think. It's restaurants as well, I had some of the most fun nights there

Educated and experienced opinions are fine. Ignorant, bigoted and innacurate opinions are not. Why not ask people who actually lived there what they think? Why not invite opinions from Emirati women rather than jusge a nation on a few Guardian articles. Lobby against countries where women are excluded from celebrations, locked up at home and banned from driving. Anyway I'm not hijacking this thread. I've had my say and I feel sad that the Gulf states are so hated for little more than their GDP and religion. There are much worse.

So many assumptions and judgements! A few Guardian articles? Actually I am an environment professional and Dubai concerns me greatly due to it's unsustainable resource use which is an area I know a lot about. But you judge on sister! Sorry OP, derail! You don't have to go on that holiday if you don't want to regardless of where it is. Does sound like Spain or Turkey might be a better choice of location for you. Think you just need to speak to your friend and see though.

Environment Professional

I don't like the sound of this either OP, I'd be afraid I'd end up in prison in the middle east. Maybe my perceptions of this location are outdated but .... I don't blame you for your reservations.
What's wrong with Porto, Alicante, Amsterdam, copenhagen, dublin, stockholm......... somewhere where you're allowed to drink.

Why Dubai? Isn't it notoriously eye wateringly expensive as well?
I would not want to put a foot wrong in that country.

Yeh it's a real job and everything!! We have loads of them, you know, keeping us alive, understanding how the world works. Incredible I know.

I absolutely wouldn’t go there. Her plan sounds like asking for trouble.

Dubai is not the place to drinking “for free” in an all female group. No way.

I would not go. I would simply say I can’t afford it but I hope she has a good time

No, just politely decline.

Why are you even considering this? You're clearly uncomfortable with it, if she's a good friend she will understand. FWIW it sounds like my idea of hell.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I absolutely wouldn’t go there. Her plan sounds like asking for trouble.

Dubai is not the place to drinking “for free” in an all female group. No way.

I know it was a monumentally stupid thing to do but that woman who had sex in the back of a taxi in dubai and lost her job and was sentenced to three months in jail, she had had free drinks all day. It's just not ''free''. There's a price. I know that what happened to her is so extreme but if something extreme does happen, I'd hate to be in Dubai SHe willingly had sex with that guy but if he'd been raping her I feel all the outcomes would have been the same.

The whole world to go to and she wants to go on a long haul flight to Dubai to celebrate her birthday in a oppressive country that is basically a shopping centre in the desert. Personally I would rather spend the money in Brighton or come to the West of Ireland.

But in my experience this comes up often in life with hens, birthdays, etc where something is being organised that some just don't want to do or really can not afford.
The best solution is to be upfront from the start. No indecision or maybes. Just say it's not for you. Friendships usually survive this.
They don't survive early commitments or support then backing out near the day or not coming up with the share of cash.

You have expressed enough doubts for you to know it's not for you, even if you haven't got exactly what these nights entail.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I certainly wouldn’t go to Dubai with her. I’ve lived in that part of the world, and IMO it’s generally very safe - as long as you behave with decorum and don’t get pissed in public, or dress they way you might in say Ibiza.

Yes, that's what makes me feel like I would be on edge and not be able to relax as I would be worried about drunken behaviour. Her other friend doesn't need much to get drunk and does end up being sick, falling over and has had to be taken home early a few times.

@Lucaslucas1612

We generally don't get shit faced we no our limits now. I just don't like the idea of free drinks or men buying our drinks with perhaps other expectations. We are all fully capable of paying our own way. I just thought she'd want a nice girlie night out without having to potentially chat to random men because they've brought us stuff.

Alcohol costs a fortune in the Middle East. By allowing ladies to drink for free it encourages more couples to go out so only the men pay.

You don’t have to consume the entire bar. Should you be offered one, you actually don’t have to accept a drink from a stranger, and can politely refuse.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go, but don’t rain on your friends parade.

Dubai is safe, you leave one hotel and walk or taxi to the next. Don’t walk around drunk. Don’t kiss in public.

@MiddleClassProblem

Why don’t you talk to your friend openly and frankly about what she actually wants for her birthday?

Also being 10 years younger doesn’t mean you rely on there for money. Plenty of people are financially independent for all of their 20s, and others only would rely on family and wouldn’t expect friends to pay.

Who is paying for the freeloader’s flights, accommodation, food etc? Are you exaggerating the freeloading a little?

I don't know her particular Circumstances with who's paying for her Dubai trip. But when we went skiing a while ago my birthday friends friend ended up paying for her! She knows him vaguely and he very well off so I think he just offered to pay for my friends, her DH and her friends flights. I am not sure she even ended up paying her part of the accommodation either. I ve just seen and heard other evidence of her freeloading behaviour.

We have discussed that my friend would like. She's very laid back and I think has been persuaded into this as the best option. My friends very indecisive and everything's very last minute so I think she's just happy to go along with it.

If you don’t want to go with her due to her marital issues - don’t, but it shouldn’t be based on concerns about Dubai. I live in the UAE. Ladies nights do offer free drinks to women one night a week, or good drinks deals. They sell food, and then charge men for drinks. I’ve never experienced harassment, but there is a lot of security. There is a zero tolerance policy for men hassling women, lots of CCTV and staff everywhere. You sit at a table and they bring drinks over, no need to go to the bar, and there is always a staff in the bathrooms. There are no expectations from men, men know the score about ladies nights and the vast majority of women are married in the UAE.

No issues with how you dress so long as you’re wearing clothes, public nudity is illegal as is the case in most countries. Drunkenness in public laws are the same as British drunk and disorderly: if you start becoming a problem to other people, that’s when the police start getting involved. Don’t start fights, don’t harass people, don’t drive drunk - and you’ll have a great time. Much safer for women than going out in the UK! I’d be happy to answer questions about specific rules, or even specific bars, if that would be helpful.

Hi op be careful as @Sciurus83 had suggested Turkey.

Honestly my one visit there to Bodrum we were plagued by unwanted male attention. This is just my experience I can jot speak for the Country as a Whole. As you have specifically referenced not wanting this I would avoid!

If you don’t want to go then don’t go.

We are past the mini skirts

Not sure why you keep mentioning mini skirts though? What does that have to do with anything? You sound quite judgemental.

That does sound unpleasant SomersetLady. I went to Cirali in Turkey which wasn't like that, very quiet and relaxed atmosphere really, actually probably not what OP is after at all!

If you don't want to go then don't but the reason you have given is not one that bothers me and I'm not a big drinker or party girl at all.

Another one who used to go out in Dubai quite a bit, felt safer there than anywhere else including london. There’s a big difference between going out for some drinks and a dance with your friends and having sex in a taxi, would you do that anywhere else (!). Of course there are men but they were more respectful than guys in uk bars. Always had fun there. Agree with the environmental stuff though, it’s terrible! And if it’s too expensive just tell her.

Well, I wouldn’t go to Dubai full stop.

I definitely wouldn’t spend a night trailing around bars where only the women drink for free, regardless of the country I was in.