AIBU to wonder if excellent housekeepers are also on the anxious side?

[eepeep]

If you are a brilliant housekeeper with one of those picture perfect homes, I am full of admiration and wish I had your style and discipline.

However I have noticed that everyone I know who is fastidious about a clean and perfect house also has some level of anxiety that they manage to varying degrees. Which makes me curious, are there people out there who keep perfect, beautiful, clean, magazine-worthy homes who are also chilled out and not particularly stressed? If so, what's your secret?!

@LemonRoses I was born here and I consider myself British and similar to that!
We can learn from other cultures - I have a Finnish friend who is very calm, conscientious overall and minimalist, even with kids, and the house is a reflection of that.
It's also taboo to discuss it - I feel like I can't recommend a great oven cleaner for example or it might be taken wrongly as a hint! If they complain about their own house, you're supposed to deflect it and say this kind of thing "oh it means you've got better things to do" or "it's more welcoming"
Whereas I've had people from my mum's country just walk in and straight off tell me I should be doing x y and z lol. Maybe the missing feedback loop factors in.
It would be interesting to see why.

Similar as in - I'm also quite messy but it's because I'm lazy

@beachsidecafe

People with clean, orderly and beautiful homes are usually the least anxious in my experience. It is the friends I have with cluttered mess everywhere that always seem frazzled. They can't find anything, are usually running late and their whole lives are led rather chaotically. I usually find tidy people tend to be well organised. The two match far better.

I think you are referring to OCD which is a mental health condition, and usually includes anxiety. Tidy houses are not the same, and you should consider the impact of your comparison on those that truly have severe OCD, as it is grossly unfair on them to compare a tidy and clean house to their suffering.

You can't put words in someone's mouth and then berate them for saying it 😂

I have (diagnosed) anxiety and have also struggled with (diagnosed) depression in the past.

My house is immaculate and one of the reasons it's like that is because cleaning really helps me when I'm anxious. I find it very therapeutic to come home to a nice, clean, ordered home.

@Killahangilion

I find those with messy houses are often the kindest people and are good fun to be around. Messy house equals chaotic lives? Or maybe they don’t prioritise tidying and cleaning over more interesting pursuits?

Are you saying that people with diagnosed anxiety disorders that mean they are prone to doing a lot of cleaning and organising are boring and unkind?

Because that's how your post comes across.

Some people clean and tidy because it helps their mental health. It's not because they're boring or unpleasant or unkind or have no hobbies.

Having a messy home makes me anxious. Cleaning it destresses me. I’m very relaxed when it’s clean. I’m not sure if that confirms your theory or not OP

My anxiety has often manifested as a desire to clean and declutter obsessively.

My house looks a bit of a mess currently which irks me, but I also see it as a good sign that I’m not especially anxious at the moment!

@Killahangilion

I find those with messy houses are often the kindest people and are good fun to be around. Messy house equals chaotic lives? Or maybe they don’t prioritise tidying and cleaning over more interesting pursuits?

Nice goady little post

but KEEPING a tidy and clean house is a life and time-saver, and makes for a much more relax family.

It's literally prioritising your free time and family over a never-ending and depressing routine of mess, displayed items, catching-up and constant to-do-list.

I am in my (home) office catching up with some office work, haven't had any house chore to do the entire bank holiday weekend, it's bliss. The house still looks great..

You come back from a day out/school/ shopping... what do you do?

I wash my hands, put kettle on, put everything away immediately. By the time by tea or coffee is ready, everything is tidy.

I know others who just throw everything in a big pile, sit down and can't be bothered to get back up or get busy with something else, and will spend the next hour possibly days moaning about the bags, shoes, coats that look a mess and need to be sorted and can't find the keys that were dropped "somewhere".

Who do you think is the most chilled out?

I think fear of untidiness, judgement of others etc is linked with anxiety
And in a personal level when you are anxious small details will "set you off"...ie catastrophising this house is disgusting and the bath has tide marks etc, I'm a failure etc
Whether that makes your house actually cleaner or tidier I'm not sure.
I know anxious untidy people and anxious tidy people and vice versa.
But I do notice that anxious unhappy people will fixate on detail. .ie my mum gets obsessed by clearing worktops and how DWasher stacks when she is worrying most about external matters. Her house is generally very dirty though!!!
Perhaps it is perfectionism and control issues rather than tidy clean houses per se.
I get anxious but I'm really deeply untidy

@LonstantonSpiceMuseum

I find that some foreigners keep their houses much cleaner than the British and seemingly without as much fuss - I always found that interesting. We keep in the UK very cluttered houses, and do weird things like extra dinnertimes for kids, who don't help out. Oh and shoes in the house!

I fully agree. Where my family are from people tend to have less (which helps in this sense) but even in wealthier houses there is less tradition of knick knacks and millions of children's toys and adults have far fewer clothes.

I also think that that houses in many parts of the world are tidier is because in most places it's not the norm to have two parents working and commuting and as another said, cooking 2 meals and doing so many things for even older children, from making breakfast for 10 year olds to helping organise their clubs/social life. For the average person who is neither especially immaculate nor messy, when you have more unscheduled time at home, it's easier to keep it tidy.

My home is perfect, all my homes have been. Beautifully decorated, which I do myself, perfectly organised and with no clutter or mess.
I'm not an anxious person and seldom get 'stressed' as such but I am a perfectionist and like things my own way. Now I live on my own, I just love having the house my way and not having anyone mess it up...although I love having guests in (pre-COVID) - I just clean up afterwards.

I do think I am more calm and at ease when the house is neat and tidy though, it just makes for a stress-free environment. It feels more peaceful and I can find everything immediately....so perhaps there is something underlying there?

I also apply the same principles to my workplace, so my desk etc. is always tidy and throughout my working life I have always been the person everyone comes to when they need a copy of whatever policy or to find some lost document, because I'm the only person who knows where everything is filed, from years back.

The other thing is that I quite like cleaning, I don't find it a chore and get great pleasure in making things neat and straight and sorted, so that helps a great deal.

I think tidy organised people can be very judgemental of those of us who manage life differently, sometimes our disorganised way protects us and gives us freedoms.
For example if you have ever had supper with someone who starts washing up in the middle rather than chatting to guests, or refusing to let children spread their toys out for any length of time or indeed have children over for playdates for same reason ..that is the flip side of wanting things to be tidy and perfect.

We were too poor to be Magazine Perfect but it was constantly clean and tidy despite 3 kiDS. Mom would just vacuum several times a day, we knew better than to be messy, eating crisps from a bowl rather than a packet for example, walking up the v outside of the step to go to the loo so as not to mess up the carpet etc.

It was v much anxiety / OCD.

She's better now than she was and the grandkids are allowed to make more mess than we did but she's still very fastidious about cleaning

I am a worrier and an over thinker. My DH is a hoarder and very dirty and messy. I cannot relax unless the house (particularly the kitchen) is in some sort of order. I have even recently dropped a day at work so that I can try and keep on top of the house.

I don't know if anxious people are cleaner but I'm very easy going and pretty messy tbh.

@Nettleskeins

I think tidy organised people can be very judgemental of those of us who manage life differently, sometimes our disorganised way protects us and gives us freedoms. For example if you have ever had supper with someone who starts washing up in the middle rather than chatting to guests, or refusing to let children spread their toys out for any length of time or indeed have children over for playdates for same reason ..that is the flip side of wanting things to be tidy and perfect.

In my experience it's often people being judgy of the tidy ones. Look at this thread - suggesting that people who are on the cleaner side have a mental health issue, or the pp who said that messy people are nicer. I am tidy - not a show home with 3 kids, but pre kids was fairly immaculate - and wouldn't dream of judging someone else's house, or their mental health, unless it was to the point of being unsanitary or unsafe.

It is very interesting though ..I find a very clean and tidy house unwelcoming to be a visitor IN, to some degree. I feel as I am going to create untidiness just by being there. .and you will often find that some people actually don't want you in their house, they feel their house is a retreat from the world and its stresses.

I think it all boils down to how we want to share our living spaces and to what degree we relinquish control of what other people are or not allowed to do in what we perceive as "our territory"

Btw I have a very welcoming, unanxious friend whose house IS always clean and tidy, so my theories aren't always true

I'm anxious about things outside the home like work and friendships. When I'm home I can close the door and I'm in my safe place. I can happily sit and enjoy a cup of tea with a sink full of dishes, so no show home here.

My mum has a very tidy house. Its anxiety based. But she came from a very controlling mum to a very controlling husband. She never relaxes, even in her own home. It's so sad.

@Nettleskeins

I think tidy organised people can be very judgemental of those of us who manage life differently, sometimes our disorganised way protects us and gives us freedoms. For example if you have ever had supper with someone who starts washing up in the middle rather than chatting to guests, or refusing to let children spread their toys out for any length of time or indeed have children over for playdates for same reason ..that is the flip side of wanting things to be tidy and perfect.

I think that flip side is more going towards the opposite of a hoarder, someone who is on the extreme side.

"Excellent housekeeper" for me means someone who is on top of things and who like their house to be visitor-ready at all time.

It's also so much quicker to clean when it's already tidy!

I find a very clean and tidy house unwelcoming to be a visitor IN, to some degree. I feel as I am going to create untidiness just by being there

sorry but that sounds a bit strange to me.

I found the complete opposite: going to a messy house, with laundry drying everywhere, kitchen full of dirty things, piles of stuff.. makes me feel like I am intruding and a huge bother.

Over I was responding to Motherloaded rather than making blanket comments about "tidy" people ..it seems that some people with good executive function cannot imagine that "disorganised" people still can have good and productive lives living the way they do, and be good parents. When you model to your child that they are a failure for forgetting or spilling or losing things that does create anxiety...yes by all means encourage good habits but not to the extent of "shaming". I always think of Helen at the beginning in Jane Eyre...who is told how untidy she is by Miss Scratcherd.

Cleaning and tidying help sort the mess in my head. It’s my go to for stress anger anxiety etc. It’s a bit much and ocd and it’s not making me happy. But I like a neat tidy home because it feels ‘better’ for me. It’s hard to explain.

Well, I have ADHD and DH has ADD, so we keep our house very clean and tidy because if we did not, we would have trouble managing our attention deficit.

Example....sit down to work....sip coffee and realise desk is dusty. ADHD kicks in and I start dusting. In middle of dusting, I think wow, my rubbish bin is full...so then I stop mid-dusting and run around taking all the rubbish out to the bin. Coming back upstairs thinking gosh should really be working...and then I see clutter on the hall table of unhandled mail. Next thing I know, I’m sorting and reading mail. Then I put flyers and advertising mail in recycling and go, gosh the recycling could do with being taken out to the bin. So do that. Then walking back from the binsI note my potted plants could do with a water... this goes on until lunchtime, and I finally make it back upstairs to my office and see that I’ve not done any work or finished dusting.

So, for us having a set rota and specific cleaning schedule to keep house immaculate means we have no distractions and can actually focus on work when we are supposed to.

My eldest DD has ADHD, dyslexia and possibly had other stuff going on. My youngest has LD'S/Autism. So life was easier with a place for everything and everything in its place. I'm also minimal, was stuck in once my children were in bed and don't like to sit for too long. That's carried on even though my children are adults. I love helping others to organise, declutter, clean etc. I don't judge people and have helped a few friends who are hoarders. There's a level of it occasionally being just different strokes for different folks.