To let guy come over to see me

[Redruby2020]

Hi all, okay I have been in contact with a guy I met through online dating for around 5/6 weeks now, we have since swapped numbers because of how we got on etc. I have not managed to meet him yet due to child care restrictions etc, and when I had free time I had other stuff to do. I had lots of occasions whereby I could have met hun out somewhere with my DS, but put it off because I thought it wasn't right, and I don't expect any guy to be jumping for joy but also he wanted to see me, so was understanding that I might have to eventually do this with my DS in tow.
I won't invite him in the house yet because I don't think it's right, but the other option was to sit outside in his car for a bit, but then although it amounts to sitting in the back garden with him(if I had one) 😆 I felt bad to sit out the front with him, and it wouldn't be for long and I would have to keep coming in to check on DS once he goes to bed.
I think I have made choices based on what others think, but also because I am a worrier for obvious reasons, because I have a child etc.
I think god what if I then give him my post code and he comes and then he's got it and it becomes a problem. Or I get in the car and he drives away etc, I know I'm probably getting carried away but it's all relevant. If it had been last year I was living with family then I would of done bed time and gone for a few hours with him etc.
So not sure what to do now.
Thankyou for reading this far.

[Redruby2020]

@scotsllb

Please don't think I'm patronising you in any way as I am a single mum and know how hard it has been with childcare etc during the pandemic.
Never ever meet a man you don't know outside your front door, or give him your address or talk about your child too much.
As a previous poster mentioned some nasty men seek out single mums as they think we are vulnerable and desperate and worse.
Your child is only small for such a short period of time and they depend on you to keep them safe.
As flattering as some men can be and sometimes you may feel pressured, always put your child and your safety first

Thankyou, yes I have noticed this and hence why on the app I have removed that I have a child, as it gives you the option.

[TheWaif]

You don't have to call guys if you don't want to.

[Redruby2020]

@ItsNotLoveActually

Could you do a video call on WhatsApp for now? You can dress up and have a drink, like a proper date. If it doesn't work out, you can block him. Don't put yourself or DC in a vulnerable position. It's only another couple of weeks until restrictions are lifted, be patient.

How does that help lol, if restrictions are lifted, that doesn't solve child care issues. People keep saying get a baby sitter but I don't know if they mean paid like independent or someone I know. Because to find an independent one it is not so easy.

[Redruby2020]

@TheGumption

This is so worrying. It's easy to see how women end up in those horrendous relationships where their kids end up being abused.

I asked on here for the whole point that I haven't done anything and should have phrased it in the way of what do you think/what would you do. I haven't had anyone around nor would I until I have met them first etc. And certainly not about to go and meet a guy with child in tow, don't worry.

[Redruby2020]

@TheWaif

You don't have to call guys if you don't want to.

I've clearly said it wrong, and I realise that from the responses I've had.
What I was trying to ask is, if people think it is wrong to meet up with a guy with child in tow, what about if they ring or you ring them, would you make sure that the child is also not around during the call?!

[Redruby2020]

@scotsllb

Please don't think I'm patronising you in any way as I am a single mum and know how hard it has been with childcare etc during the pandemic.
Never ever meet a man you don't know outside your front door, or give him your address or talk about your child too much.
As a previous poster mentioned some nasty men seek out single mums as they think we are vulnerable and desperate and worse.
Your child is only small for such a short period of time and they depend on you to keep them safe.
As flattering as some men can be and sometimes you may feel pressured, always put your child and your safety first

Absolutely! It's a bit hard to explain but because my sons father is from a certain country and I have met other guys from there, we have found it easier to talk and have an understanding because there is a certain way they behave and a culture when it comes to children etc. And they understand things that guys from elsewhere would not get. The ones that know they know now, and I can't take that back, and what has been discussed has been, one or two have children too so although they are not full time mother, they understand the problems I have. But yes I do agree and see why some men can see you as vulnerable etc and it took me a little while to learn about how to conduct myself being back out on the dating scene after a long time.

[Lipz]

You sound very naive. You're asking questions then back tracking saying that's not what you meant. I'm struggling to understand how you don't know the basics when meeting someone. I haven't dated in over 30 years and I still know what's safe and what isn't.

1. You don't bring someone into your home when you don't know them. You get to know them first.

1. Do not leave a child alone in any property while you meet someone, whether that is pub, cafe, car.

1. If you are chatting to guys on the phone, it's best done when child is in bed, no child needs to hear their parent on calls like these.

1. Do not bring a child on a date.

1. Do not introduce your child straight away, you do this when you can trust them and you've dated for a while.

1. Getting a baby sitter, just means getting someone to sit with your child, I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't know this. If you have a friend or family member that you can ask.

1. When meeting a guy, you meet in a public place, you let someone know where you are, you get your child minded and you don't bring him home.

If he's anyway decent he won't mind waiting till restrictions lift, he also won't pressure you into coming into your home, he won't want to meet your child this early.

Is your child's father on the scene? Can he have the child overnight? A couple of hours?

[dancinfeet]

Just amazed that you think this is at all in any way ok, I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said above. You sound equally daft about the covid restrictions though, meeting someone and sitting in a car is indoors, sitting in the garden is outdoors. (Fresh air can move freely around you etc) The restrictions are all to do with ventilation. Would you really meet a guy for the first time, sit in his car with every window fully down?

[Bluntness100]

This is just odd op. You can’t meet strange men with your kid in tow. A S you can’t leave them in the house whilst you have a date in some Randoms car outside.

Contact a baby sitting agency, or ask on your local face book page and get a baby sitter. Do not take his money to do so. You need to pay for it yourself.

[funnylittlefloozie]

From the way you write, @Redruby2020, I think English may not be your first language (apologies if I'm wrong), which is why some things are coming across a bit oddly.

I think you need to try and keep your child well away from your dating life. Make phone calls when he is in bed, only go on dates when you have someone to look after him (does he ever go to his dad?). Keep your "mum life" and your "dating life" WELL apart.

There are basic rules for safe online dating as well. Always meet in a public place. Make your own way there and back. Always tell someone where you're going and when you'll be back. Just keep yourself safe.

[Redruby2020]

@Lipz

You sound very naive. You're asking questions then back tracking saying that's not what you meant. I'm struggling to understand how you don't know the basics when meeting someone. I haven't dated in over 30 years and I still know what's safe and what isn't.

1. You don't bring someone into your home when you don't know them. You get to know them first.

1. Do not leave a child alone in any property while you meet someone, whether that is pub, cafe, car.

1. If you are chatting to guys on the phone, it's best done when child is in bed, no child needs to hear their parent on calls like these.

1. Do not bring a child on a date.

1. Do not introduce your child straight away, you do this when you can trust them and you've dated for a while.

1. Getting a baby sitter, just means getting someone to sit with your child, I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't know this. If you have a friend or family member that you can ask.

1. When meeting a guy, you meet in a public place, you let someone know where you are, you get your child minded and you don't bring him home.

If he's anyway decent he won't mind waiting till restrictions lift, he also won't pressure you into coming into your home, he won't want to meet your child this early.

Is your child's father on the scene? Can he have the child overnight? A couple of hours?

I'm not back tracking, I realised from some of the responses that I had not typed things very well. And was in a rush when I was doing it. I wanted opinions and just to get others outlook on it. No DC's father is not having contact right now, we are going through mediation. Obviously when he was or when he does in future I will use some of that time to do these kinds of things.
Never mind what I have thought about, I did not do it and have already put the guy off, to which he is fine about and so he should be.

[Happycat1212]

How old is your child?

[Fringeblack]

What standard of man do you think would be prepared to meet a woman and her kid for a date, or sit outside her house in a car while the kid sleeps alone in the house?
Any sort of decent man would run for the hills, as it screams of desperation and vulnerability.
And What sort of men are attracted to desperation and vulnerability. Abusers, that’s who.

[apalledandshocked]

@Fringeblack

What standard of man do you think would be prepared to meet a woman and her kid for a date, or sit outside her house in a car while the kid sleeps alone in the house?
Any sort of decent man would run for the hills, as it screams of desperation and vulnerability.
And What sort of men are attracted to desperation and vulnerability. Abusers, that’s who.

I agree with this. If you are too available/suggest things like this then you will put off decent men and attract shitty/abusive men (and not just ones interested in your children, although them as well. but also men who are controlling, looking for a woman to abuse, cocklodgers etc. Basically the whole range from annoying/inept to pure evil.

But also, child or no child you shouldnt accept a man picking you up from your home for a first date. There is the worst case scenario of course, but also the fact that if the date goes badly (he is annoying, talks all the time, you dont fancy him) you are effectively trapped in the restaurant/coffee shop/wherever being polite until the date is over. Always get there and back under your own steam. And a date in a car. no matter the circumstances, sounds dreadful anyway.

[Flowers500]

The more I read the more convinced I am that you really should not be dating. You don’t have the necessary skills to do so without it impacting on your child

[apalledandshocked]

As one single mum to another I do understand. I would accept that for the time being (Covid) dating isnt really workable. This is the case for a lot of people. And for the future, if you have any (good, that you trust and know well) mum friends ask them for recomendations. Either they will suggest someone (who you vet extremely carefully) or will offer to help you out yourself. If you don't then I would work on that first. Another option, if your child goes to daycare, is to ask the workers there as well.
Or you just accept that you will be single for the next few years (as I have done. Its actually pretty great)

[apalledandshocked]

And you spend those years really working on yourself - your self-esteem, your boundaries, your friendships, your career. That way, when your child is older and you have more independance you are in a really good place.

[LittlestBoho]

Oh my goodness, I can't believe what I'm reading. Other posters have given very good advice, but I just want to talk about this from your post:

To me I am still dubious to give out address to pick me up, but then I would be asking to collect me from elsewhere, because I would have someone at home with DS of course.

You shouldn't ask him to collect you at all. NEVER get into a car with a strange man. This is absolutely basic knowledge to keep yourself safe.

If you go on a date with him you need to:

1. Get a trusted babysitter for your DS
2. Make your own way to the public place / bar / cafe where you are meeting your date
3. Have the date
4. Make your own way home, do not allow him to drive you home. Don't tell him your address

Are you very young or particularly vulnerable? Please be a lot less trusting and a lot more protective of yourself and your son.

[Fireflygal]

Please take all of the advice and don't let a stranger pay for a baby sitter. It is so inappropriate and make you in debt to him. Any man that is offering is dubious so don't go there as you are waving a big sign above your head saying you are a vulnerable woman who is desperate to date.

I don't get much child free time and arrange calls when my children are not with me. If young enough wait until they are in bed.
If a man pushes then drop him.

[CircleofWillis]

I just want to reiterate these two points:

1. Don't let him know your address or even your general area.
   
   
2. Don't let him pick you up. Make your own way all the way to your date venue and then back again.

[Redruby2020]

Hi all, Thankyou for all the advice and warnings etc. I don't pretend to do everything right but I am not completely stupid. I know I do need to be a bit smarter when it comes to these situations, and I do see where I fail because of having already been in a vulnerable situation.
I have had some child free time and I did meet up with one or two guys, all fine no issues, and i had things in my mind that I had read on here, which kind of helped as they were good reminders of what to do and not do.

[scotsllb]

That's great ! Glad you had a good time

[FunMcCool]

No way- do not leave your child unattended.

[scotsllb]

@FunMcCool

No way- do not leave your child unattended.

She didn't leave her child unattended?

[Kittykat93]

Christ come on op. You cant be considering taking a young child to meet a man you've only spoken to for a few weeks online. And also the idea about leaving your child in the house unattended while you have a date in the car! Really irresponsible, sorry to sound harsh but you need to get a grip here. You're putting yourself and your child in a really unsafe situation. If you cannot arrange childcare, you dont meet strange men from internet, its simple really