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AIBU?

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Original poster

Baby before marriage

95 replies

patpatacat · 02/05/2021 20:38

I think I've posted in the wrong topic so my apologies!

I'd just like to know if there is anyone out there who would judge first time parents who are not married?

DP and I have been together for 5 years, share a home together and are financially secure both independently and as a couple. We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama. With covid etc, it's meant the earliest we could marry and have everyone there that we'd like to invite, we'd be looking at August 2022. I am fast approaching 30 and DP is 37. Both have agreed that we don't want to hold off any longer on starting a family and I have been off the pill for 3 months and am hoping for a BFP this month! When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried. It's upset me a little. Hand hold/advice/virtual hug needed :(

OP posts:
romdowa · 02/05/2021 20:40

I certainly cant judge I was born out of "wedlock" in the 80s and I'm currently expecting my first and I'm not married. A few people may judge but I'm certainly not bothered. Being born to unmarried parents didnt hard me at all in life.

iolaus · 02/05/2021 20:44

I was pregnant with our second when we got married.

The majority of my friends had their first child before marriage

therocinante · 02/05/2021 20:44

Of the people I know with children, about 20% are married - it seems pretty normal these days not to be! I wouldn't think anything of it at all, don't think it'd even occur to me.

Etinox · 02/05/2021 20:45

Generally it’s not a good idea for the woman’s protection. Morals to one side as an anachronistic irrelevance, and I say that as a practising Christian. However Covid etc. I say go for it. That’s that mind don’t matter and those that matter, don’t mind. If it were me or my dearest I’d suggest registrar’s wedding ASAP and party later.
Flowers

CoffeeRunner · 02/05/2021 20:47

DS1 was 13 months old at our wedding.

I would say most of my friends (or at least half) had at least DC1 before marriage.

Laggartha · 02/05/2021 20:47

I think I've posted in the wrong topic so my apologies!

Confused
whatswithtodaytoday · 02/05/2021 20:48

We had one person (70s) comment that we were living over the brush. Other than that, no one had said anything. Not even my 96 year old man.

I really don't think people care anymore OP, and if you're independently ok for money and intend to continue to work you'll be fine. Just makes sure you have wills.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 02/05/2021 20:49

I'd think that the woman needs to get herself married purely because she has basically no rights should it all come crumbling down, and women are more likely to make financial and professional sacrifices after having a baby so if that did happen it would impact her more.

Spanglybangles · 02/05/2021 20:50

Few will judge these days, also it’s none of their business. You are in a long term committed relationship, you are financially stable together with a home etc...all pretty normal these days. I’m not married, but have been with OH for 17 years, we jointly own a home, are financially equals and have 2 children together. My parents would prefer us to be married, but can see we are committed which is much more important. We both have friends who have had their first and second marriages in the time we have been together. We will probably do it one day but it’s not the current priority.

KingdomScrolls · 02/05/2021 20:51

I wanted to be married before DC, not for financial protection I earn more than DH, not for religious or 'moral' reasons but because I wanted a wedding and honeymoon that was just about us as a couple and knew that once DC came along they would always come first , I saw it as a last hurrah, we'd always had a great social life and travelled a lot and I knew that would slow down a lot.
Covid restrictions and age have an impact on your circumstances though and even if they didn't I know plenty of people with children who aren't married, some plan to some aren't fussed. Each to their own!

Mothersruin123 · 02/05/2021 20:51

I was 38 when I met DH and we knew fairly soon that we wanted to get married and have kids but due to our age decided to have DD first and get married later. Had we been younger we probably would have got married first just so we could properly enjoy the knees up without having to worry about a small child. Being judged by others would not have been a deciding factor...I don't think it's anyone else's business quite honestly.

TruJay · 02/05/2021 20:51

It’s no-ones business whether you’re married or not. With COVID’s effect on weddings, I don’t think people can be angry at you eloping either.
In your position, if marriage before babies is important to YOU (both of you) and to YOU only I would get married at the registry office, have your baby and then have a big wedding when you can to celebrate with everyone you want to celebrate with at a later date when life allows.
If marriage before babies isn’t important then start your family and enjoy your life, it’s your life to live how you choose. Who cares what others think, it’s not their life.

Puntastic · 02/05/2021 20:52

I don't think people will judge, but would advise you to at least get a civil partnership sorted before baby arrives for purposes of legal protection.

SeaTurtles92 · 02/05/2021 20:53

Had my first DC and not married. Don't plan to anytime soon either.

Let people judge as much as they want. Says more about them than you.

Scarby9 · 02/05/2021 20:55

Do the older generation of DP's family know you are living together? If they were likely to judge your morality, I think they have probably already done so.

StoneColdBitch · 02/05/2021 20:57

I'd think that the woman was a bit naive and unwise if she reduced her working hours after maternity leave or became a SAHM. Marriage gives a lot of legal protection to the primary caregiver if they are SAHM/part-time/low-earning. If both parents are high earners and could be financially independent if they wished, then I wouldn't pass judgement.

bananapalms · 02/05/2021 20:57

My best friend has just had her baby out of wedlock. She's a fucking amazing parent and a fabulous human being - it's 2021 and it's so sad it even matters.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2021 20:58

We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama.

What a bunch of nonsense and so childish. You're in your 30's, you own a home, you can certainly decide when and how you get married. How anyone else feels about it is their problem. A 37 year old man is allowing his family to dictate how he lives his life? Yikes.

murbblurb · 02/05/2021 20:59

Out of wedlock not relevant.

All the rights that marriage gives you that bring housemates doesn't ( because legally that is all you are) - very relevant. Stop bothering about your family and get your arses down the registry office.

MeltingSnowflake · 02/05/2021 21:02

We’re doing it the same way - lockdown baby now followed by a wedding next year.

We’re considering doing a quickie paper marriage soonish and our proper wedding later on, but that’s purely for legal reasons, not because of what people think.

I don’t think anyone cares these days and if they do that’s entirely their own problem, I simply cannot bring myself to care what others think about it!

Isolatedizzy · 02/05/2021 21:03

Don't judge one single bit just don't give up work or make yourself financially vulnerable before you get married!

Lilyx18 · 02/05/2021 21:07

My partner and I had our first child almost a year ago, unmarried. Older members of his family are strict catholics and we've never received any judgment from them, they've sent congratulations cards, wished us well, excited about new baby etc. They may be privately disappointed that we're not married, but have never made that known to us (and rightly so!). I think you need to do whatever makes you both happy and what feels right for you, despite what anyone else may or may not think. I know that is easier said than done though! times have changed since the older generation and got to do what's right for you :) x

user1592512579 · 02/05/2021 21:07

Our first baby was 9 months old when we got married (and I was pregnant with number 2)

In fact most of my friends married after their child/children arrived. I wouldn't worry about what anybody else thinks.

Freecuthbert · 02/05/2021 21:13

Me and my partner have been together for over 5 years and have a baby, never been judged for it. My friends had babies outside of marriage. It's so commonplace these days no-one really bats an eyelid. I don't see why family would disapprove unless for religious or cultural reasons, but even so it's still none of their business and you can't live your life to please them.

Skibidoo · 02/05/2021 21:16

Wouldn’t judge on a moral basis but would say getting married before having a baby will give you some legal protection just in-case.

Mumsnet is littered with horror stories about women left vulnerable by not being married but stepping out of work to have kids or taking less well paid jobs to fit around their families. That may not be relevant to you if you are planning to continue your career at the same pace.

I found the 1st year of my DC a big strain on my marriage and my husband did night feeds etc while working a really stressful job with long hours (he was/ is a hands on dad). We have never argued as much as we did in that first year, guess I’m saying that it’s in your best interest to make sure that you are secure. (We are back to being a very happy couple now btw!). Having kids can be an immense strain on your relationship in the early years. I don’t mean to be a negative nelly but it pains me to read of women left holding the baby.

Just go to the registry office and have a big bash later. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do x

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