Baby before marriage

[patpatacat]

I think I've posted in the wrong topic so my apologies!

I'd just like to know if there is anyone out there who would judge first time parents who are not married?

DP and I have been together for 5 years, share a home together and are financially secure both independently and as a couple. We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama. With covid etc, it's meant the earliest we could marry and have everyone there that we'd like to invite, we'd be looking at August 2022. I am fast approaching 30 and DP is 37. Both have agreed that we don't want to hold off any longer on starting a family and I have been off the pill for 3 months and am hoping for a BFP this month! When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried. It's upset me a little. Hand hold/advice/virtual hug needed :(

I have friends who did it, mainly because the pregnancy was a surprise.

I would just advise to make sure you have all your paperwork in order, wills, house ownership, plans for maternity leave etc.

Not so much in case you split but also in case one of you dies.

samandpoppysmummy

I'm sorry for your loss

Like others have said, it does seem increasingly common these days.

It's not something I would plan to do myself, although I wouldn't publicly express this to those who do.

I was treated very negatively by immediate family: parents, brothers, sisters, due to having children out of wedlock.

It's strange to think I would have had more support, then and now, if I'd have done things their way.

For want of a better word, I was ousted. And I still feel the effects now, and my children are in their twenties.

I could write a book on the effects of conditional love, and how it hurts your soul.

OP, do what is best for you. It is your life to live, no one else's.

Good luck.

No one will judge you whatsoever, however as pp have said, I would be wanting registry office for the piece of paper before the baby was born. Have the party/proper wedding later

Well I've got 3 and still not married.

We’ve never been judged for it; like you we’ve been together 7 years, own a house, financially secure.. we are due to get married but not until 2023, we’ve got a 16month old DD and are trying for our second now.

I’d say go for it. Fertility starts to drop off in your 30’s and you’d be full of ‘what it’s’ if you struggles to conceive years down the line after your married.

@Nbnbnb thank you

They don't want you to elope, but they wouldn't want you to have children out of wedlock... maybe they can fuck off?

I wouldn’t, being married first was important to me. It’s not important to others so they don’t worry about it.

Just depends which group you fit into. There’s no right answer.

Interesting to read of friendship groups where not being married is the norm - for me it’s the opposite. Most of my friends work in a conservative profession though so perhaps that’s why.

As a woman I absolutely would be legally married before having DC. Not for any moral reason at all, simply because I'd likely, as many millions of women before me, be left making most of the financial and emotional sacrifices doing the donkey work of child rearing. Solely too if the relationship failed. Which statistically almost half do, more if unmarried.

Why on earth though would you consider what family members think?! Do you think they worry about your opinions before making big life decisions? You're equals. Strange.

We were together five years and shared finances as we lived together. Had our son, were engaged with the intention of getting married, but we wanted to buy a house first and couldn't afford both. Was 5 months pregnant with our second child at our wedding. Wouldn't change it for the world, I'm glad we waited.

People do have old fashioned views on marriage, but I generally find that it's all down to security where they believe a woman depends on a man financially and needs a claim to his earnings! Many of us earn well, can take shared parental leave, and share the raising of the children more these days. It doesn't automatically mean SAHM and housewife duties. Very few people are in that boat so it's absolutely the wrong reason to get married. Plus those that do give up work still end up screwed over if something goes wrong, as they give up their career and independence. I know someone who is going through a divorce who is getting totally screwed by her rich lawyer ex, while she now stacks shelves in Asda in order to afford to keep a roof over her head (she left due to DV). On the other hand, another friend split with her partner who she wasn't married to and they make it work by co parenting and a partnership. Marriage doesn't dictate what happens if things go wrong, the people you are does.

I always wonder why have a baby with someone you don't trust in the first place? If security is the main reason for pushing it through then I would tell these people to reconsider having a baby with that man in the first place!

I think your are doing the right thing, and if people disagree then it will be very much down to their own insecurities and issues, not something you're doing wrong.

Any judgement from a different generation I have ever heard isn't about children out of wedlock but about being pregnant as an advert that you've had sex before marriage. 5 years in and living together I think that ship has sailed!

@Ellpellwood hahaha that's spot on 😂

We had 3 children before we got married, no one ever said anything to us, why would they? Thousands of people must have children before they get married, surely?!

It’s fine as long as you don’t give up work and then come back here in three years time complaining that he never married you, he’s walked out and that you are now an unemployed single mother.

Given the vast number of posts that run along those lines YWBU, but it is your life.

@Aquamarine1029

We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama.

What a bunch of nonsense and so childish. You're in your 30's, you own a home, you can certainly decide when and how you get married. How anyone else feels about it is their problem. A 37 year old man is allowing his family to dictate how he lives his life? Yikes.

This. I wouldn't marry a man who allows this, much less have a child with him unmarried and do something stupid like give the baby his surname, reduce my hours or quit work to bring up kids with 'DP'.

If a person really wants to marry you, he/she will.

Morally no judgement but would for the potential issues with money as you plan dc. Especially if you know you plan to be a SAHP or go PT.

I’m a born cynic and looking round at my friends and the boards on here the outcomes of some of the relationships and the financial impact is dreadful for women.

I don’t however have a romantic bone in my body if I’m honest. I had my two much older sisters come home when I was a teenager when they were getting divorced. I planned no marriage or dc but then I met DH. I married because we decided to try for dc and that is the only reason. You can love someone just as much without marriage but it affords protection for women though not in every case, looking at my friend who married a bankrupt. She is a die hard romantic though.

Osbert makes a really good point, the issue is not whether you are married or not but because your DP won't marry you due to 'family politics', he sounds a total man child, unable to make and own a decision. That is not an attractive proposition to start a relationship, let alone a family, with.

I’ve been with my partner five years, we have a young son and are not married. We are both atheists and the whole “marriage before kids” is a religious thing so there was no reason for us to marry first.

I don't think most people really care these days. It is really your business.

And if anyone tells you it's wrong and it didn't happen in their day then tell them to look at how many women were pregnant when they got married even a hundred or so years back!

I personally wouldnt, and didnt, but couldnt care less what others do.

I have always believed in house - marriage - children but that is just how I like to live my life. Agree with a pp, only one friend and one family member have had kids before marriage (both surprise pregnancies) all the rest were married.

People dont judge unwed couples having babies. I was a single mum and never felt judged. I think you're living in the 1950s

No judgment, that's silly - but my first thought is always that as a woman it's daft not to have the protection of marriage before starting a family.

You and your DP seem on the same page which is great, but you never know what can happen. One thing I'd say is that if you're not married, the baby has your surname. If you're going to then change to a joint surname after the marriage, you and baby both do so together.

Why does everyone assume it is in the woman’s financial interest to be married?

Stop assuming this! It absolutely is not the case for me and for many!

I really dislike the assumption that a woman is weaker financially, weaker career wise, and on the brink of giving it all up to live unhappily ever after.

If you want to give advice on the financial and legal side, do so by all means but do not rely on outdated stereotypes without so much as a qualifier.