Baby before marriage

[patpatacat]

I think I've posted in the wrong topic so my apologies!

I'd just like to know if there is anyone out there who would judge first time parents who are not married?

DP and I have been together for 5 years, share a home together and are financially secure both independently and as a couple. We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama. With covid etc, it's meant the earliest we could marry and have everyone there that we'd like to invite, we'd be looking at August 2022. I am fast approaching 30 and DP is 37. Both have agreed that we don't want to hold off any longer on starting a family and I have been off the pill for 3 months and am hoping for a BFP this month! When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried. It's upset me a little. Hand hold/advice/virtual hug needed :(

@LouNatics

Why does everyone assume it is in the woman’s financial interest to be married?

Stop assuming this! It absolutely is not the case for me and for many!

I really dislike the assumption that a woman is weaker financially, weaker career wise, and on the brink of giving it all up to live unhappily ever after.

If you want to give advice on the financial and legal side, do so by all means but do not rely on outdated stereotypes without so much as a qualifier.

Because all too often women compromise their earnings, earning potential, pension, etc to procreate with and enable an unmarried partner to carry on as if he's never had children at all, not to mention giving the baby his surname, doing all the lifework all sorts.

It's very common, especially with long maternity leaves, the woman starts becoming a Maid of All Work. And honestly, this 37-year-old man who won't elope because 'family politics' has manchild written all over him.

There's scarcely a day goes by without a thread featuring such a 'DP' set up.

Morally - i doubt anyone would have any issue with it.

Protection wise it is sensible for a woman to be married before having kids to protect herself if things go wrong and also for her partner to have medical rights to the child if anything goes wrong in childbirth. Just look at all the posts in here about women whose partner said they'd marry after having kids and ten years down the line he says he can't be bothered as no point...and then walks out.

Who owns your home as well. Esp if it is his home. even if its ten minutes at the town hall. don't have to tell the family

Have the baby now but for god's sake don't give up work, reduce work or move into 'his' house with no rights to it. Make sure both your names are on the house you live in.
Or just go and do the paperwork and get a CP or marriage cert without the fuss.

When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried. It's upset me a little. Hand hold/advice/virtual hug needed :(

What's upset you? That she said it, or that's she's right? What difference does it make to you? My lovely MIL disapproved of lots of things but she kept her opinions to herself but, even if she hadn't, her opinion wouldn't have swayed my decisions.

Own your decisions and be confident, what other people think just doesn't matter.

Someone is judging you for something every day. You are going to need a thicker skin to be a parent when people judge you for every minute thing that you do/don't do.

'Why does everyone assume it is in the woman’s financial interest to be married?

Stop assuming this! It absolutely is not the case for me and for many!

I really dislike the assumption that a woman is weaker financially, weaker career wise, and on the brink of giving it all up to live unhappily ever after.'

Our neighbours relationship with her DP is awful, he's older, a bit controlling, she wants free of him. She gave up work when she had their first kid, they now have 3. The house is in his name only. She has no earnings and relies on him financially. She's screwed, stuck with him with no sensible exit plan.
As a couple it apparently made sense for her to be a SAHM, he kept saying they'd get married one day. Now, surprise, surprise he isn't keen to get married, he thinks she should be thankful he lets her live in his house and that he pays all the bills.
That's why it's not sensible for a woman to have kids, unmarried, and then give up her financial independence.

I think it’s pretty normal these days, although it would have been questionable 30 years ago and shameful 40 years ago ☹️
Just make sure you or whichever of you takes main responsibility for the child is fully covered legally and financially (remembering it’s rarely equal in spite of that being agreed before conception)
Things like loss of earnings or promotion prospects, joint, equal rights to the house, equal rights to pensions all of that needs to be sorted legally (marriage does it automatically) these things often leave one partner significantly disadvantaged once a baby is conceived.
None of us expect a relationship breakdown when things are good. Babies put a big strain on relationships as well as bringing joy. Planning for the worst won’t make it happen, but will give some security if it does. And planning for the worst and getting decisions legally binding when everything is good is so much better and less stressful.

I realise that it happens. But it is insulting to assume the woman is a weaker partner.

You might say something like - if either of you are planning to give up work or reduce your hours around the children, marriage gives financial and legal protection if your split or one of you dies. You might say - no one should ever give up their financial independence without legal protection and marriage is one way to achieve that.

You shouldn’t say it not sensible for a woman to have kids with someone without marriage - that advice is flawed. It’s perfectly sensible for many, many women, myself included. It’s FAR better for me to be unmarried than married. My own mother lost nearly everything in a divorce.

Tell her not to give up her financial independence. Don’t tell her to get married without knowing for sure it would benefit her. They are different things.

Unmarried with 17 month old DS and trying for #2. Similar circumstances to you, only rather than covid just neither of us were that bothered about marriage right now. We will probably do it eventually ....

We own our home together.

I’m a tad old fashioned in that I believe marriage comes before babies. But each to their own.

I really don't think it matters in these days. Our dc were 1 and 3 when DH and I married 15 years ago. Throughout their childhood dc have loved looking through the wedding photos, they were included in our vows and the elder dc is convinced she can remember the day. I was never really bothered about getting married, but it was important to DH that we did. To my mind having our children involved just makes the day more special.

Also, when we married i was further along in my career and the main earner in the house, that's evened out now and we earn around the same, but I agree its not right to assume the woman is in the worse financial position if not married

I think it’s fine as long as you don’t depend on him financially

Literally no one has ever commented on me and dp being unmarried with kids. Plenty of families around in the same arrangement. I think it is no big deal.

I can't see why you wouldn't. If you aren't then make sure you've financially secure and don't assume that it would all be amicable when splitting assets. Nobody wants to separate but it can happen to anyone.

I was married pre kids and now have a DP, wouldn't marry again as I'm not having more kids so don't see the point. It would purely be to make the finances easier with kids

We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama.

When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried

Stop living your life to appease others. If yous be your DP want to elope, elope! If you want a child now, have w child now. What’s going to happen when his family don’t approve of the child’s name, or food you feed child, or the school they go to.... make a rod for this behaviour now or live with it forever.

I wouldtjudge them for being immoral etc, but I would feel sorry for the woman not having all the legal protections that come with marriage / assume the couple had stupidly prioritised a ‘big wedding’ at some distant date instead of having the wedding they can afford and throwing a big party later eg for the christening/anniversary.

The pandemic guves you an absolutely brilliant excuse for getting married in a couple of weeks with only witnesses present. You say elopong would cause drama - but if children when you aren’t married could also cause drama, why not just do what you want?

Just elope, and tell them was because of the pandemic and they’re all invited to a huge anniversary party in 2022. They’ll get over it.

Also I’m not sure youu have thought through trying to organise wedding marriage honeymoon etc while looking after a baby.

Sorry for typos that should begin “I wouldn’t judge them...”

Most people won't bat an eye nowadays...although some of the older generation may be unimpressed.

We had two of our three children before we married.

Because it was known we had dc, my nan would always introduce us as 'my granddaughter and her husband' to her friends whilst furiously side eying me to make sure I didn't give the game away 😂

@patpatacat do you earn more than your DP? Are you intending to reduce your hours after having a baby? Is your property owned or rented in both your names? I would never recommend having a baby without being married if you are the lower earner or intend to go part time.

Most importantly, why does your DP care more about not upsetting his family than protecting his life partner by getting married? His family will get over a secret wedding and if they don’t - tough! It’s his life and he is an adult who is free to make his own choices and decisions.

@patpatacat

I think I've posted in the wrong topic so my apologies!

I'd just like to know if there is anyone out there who would judge first time parents who are not married?

DP and I have been together for 5 years, share a home together and are financially secure both independently and as a couple. We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama. With covid etc, it's meant the earliest we could marry and have everyone there that we'd like to invite, we'd be looking at August 2022. I am fast approaching 30 and DP is 37. Both have agreed that we don't want to hold off any longer on starting a family and I have been off the pill for 3 months and am hoping for a BFP this month! When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried. It's upset me a little. Hand hold/advice/virtual hug needed :(

Why can’t you get married before August 2022?

50% of 16 year olds have parents who have split up. Of that 50%, 80% of the parents were unmarried at the time of the child’s birth…