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Original poster

Baby before marriage

95 replies

patpatacat · 02/05/2021 20:38

I think I've posted in the wrong topic so my apologies!

I'd just like to know if there is anyone out there who would judge first time parents who are not married?

DP and I have been together for 5 years, share a home together and are financially secure both independently and as a couple. We would love to elope but due to family politics on his side, it would cause too much drama. With covid etc, it's meant the earliest we could marry and have everyone there that we'd like to invite, we'd be looking at August 2022. I am fast approaching 30 and DP is 37. Both have agreed that we don't want to hold off any longer on starting a family and I have been off the pill for 3 months and am hoping for a BFP this month! When I mentioned to a friend about trying for a baby, she said the older generation of DPs family will likely not approve as we are unmarried. It's upset me a little. Hand hold/advice/virtual hug needed :(

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 02/05/2021 21:19

The both of you should do whatever makes you happy and if that means a baby first then why not? You need to develop a thicker skin, when you become a parent all kinds of idiots will feel the need to comment on how you parent and give you unsolicited advice.

Yummymummy2020 · 02/05/2021 21:28

It’s more common now to do marriage after if at all I think! You do what you want to do, this is your business so don’t mind any relatives judging you though it’s easier said than done! If you have wills you can be protected without marriage if I am correct, assuming nobody changes theirs of course.

Ldnmum7 · 02/05/2021 21:39

I personally wouldn't judge, but my MIL would have been horrified if DH and I had had a baby prior to getting married. She's not particularly religious, just very traditional and likes things done "the right way". My own parents would have been a little disappointed too but more accepting than my in law's. Ultimately though, I wouldn't worry about what others think and carry on.

noctu · 02/05/2021 21:55

Would I have a baby before marriage? No.
Should my opinion on it matter to you and your life/situation? Also no!

The only thing I'd say, as per PPs, would be to make sure you understand the pros/cons/legal implications of being married vs not being married and how that would apply to you and partner.

Also just to add, if you want to elope, you don't actually have to tell 'em you know Grin

crosstalk · 02/05/2021 22:01

OP - share a home together? are you on the title deeds?

If you are financially secure just crack on with baby making and just elope.

DdraigGoch · 02/05/2021 22:11

There's no social stigma like there once was. The main benefit of marriage is if one of you side-lines your career to raise a family it offers protection but from what you've said you do plan to get married pretty soon after giving birth anyway so that's covered.

lanthanum · 02/05/2021 22:54

Our vicar said that in three years, she'd not yet married a couple who weren't already living together. Plus with the pandemic, I think there will be plenty of understanding amongst even the older generations that weddings have been delayed and people may be doing things in "the wrong order".

Original poster
patpatacat · 02/05/2021 23:40

Thanks ladies for all your replies. I really appreciate it.

I think our plan is going to be to hopefully conceive ASAP and have a small wedding with close family in the summer of next year.

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 03/05/2021 08:01

I had my children out of wedlock and yes I think it did upset my father - but more so because at that point we didn't intend to marry. We are now but maybe be prepared that older family members won't approve.

Orangebug · 03/05/2021 08:07

I wouldn't judge at all you OP, but I agree about protecting yourself financially. Please don't give up work or go part time after mat leave if you're not married.

SunshineCake · 03/05/2021 08:08

I would judge for taking a risk as you have no protection if not married.

samandpoppysmummy · 03/05/2021 08:29

I got married on my 40th birthday when my DS was two and a half and my DD was 16 months old. They were our only page boy and only bridesmaid. It was a lovely family event in our village church with the reception in a marquee in our garden. The DC were both Christened in the middle of the service too.

Late DH and I had both been married and divorced before we got together (although neither of us had any DC before our two), so marriage wasn't as important to us and we were old enough not to care if anyone judged us or not. I'm still really glad we did it that way round - our wedding photos are a lovely memory and the DC (now 14 and 15) love seeing themselves in the photos.

Don't worry about any one else's opinions and get married when you want to. I am very pleased that we did get married in the end though. Although it's something we didn't even consider at the time, when DH passed away a year and a half ago, it made things much more straightforward than if we hadn't been married.

Cookiecrumblepie · 03/05/2021 08:34

I wonder why people don’t just get married beforehand. Not have a wedding, but just get married. I think it’s weird to have a baby before marriage but I would never say that to someone

PiccalilliChilli · 03/05/2021 08:44

DB and his DP had their first one nearly 17.5 years ago, then another about 16 months after that. They've been together nearly 20 years and still have no plans to marry. They've been through it all, serious illness, money problems, the lot and have lasted longer than a lot of marriages in the family. I'm sure our DMum wants them to have a wedding but no-one judges them.

Ragwort · 03/05/2021 08:44

I would judge you on the fact that you think your families' views are more important ...if you want to get married just go through with the legal ceremony, so many people seem to confuse the legal commitment of the marriage ceremony with a 'Wedding Day'. As a PP says, you are home owners, presumably working ... not naive teenagers so why do other people's views matter so much?

When my DH and I married (very quietly), over 30 years ago, we didn't consider what our families might want, and no one ever complained or said anything about the fact that we had such a small wedding (five guests). Own your decision.

MimiSunshine · 03/05/2021 08:50

I think our plan is going to be to hopefully conceive ASAP and have a small wedding with close family in the summer of next year.

So just do that small wedding this summer when Covid limite your numbers and then you can’t be pressured I to inviting all the aunties etc

But otherwise no, have w baby when you want to

minniemomo · 03/05/2021 08:56

Dd was 6 months old when we married. Nobody cares these days. But one option if it bothers you is to have a small wedding this year with only parents and witnesses then a celebration next year

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 03/05/2021 08:59

I wouldn’t judge but it was really, really important to me for marriage to come before children.

Make sure if you do have children before marriage and want to get married, that it will actually happen and not just get put on the back burner. And make sure you have enough financial independence and security that if you did split up, you would be able to provide for yourself and DC. That’s important if you’re married but even more so if not, when you have no legal protections.

GalaxyGirl24 · 03/05/2021 09:46

I don't think it's anyone's business the 'order' in which you do things, if it works for yours and future DCs lives. That being said, I got married before I had my baby because:

A.) I wanted a wedding day where I could enjoy myself free of responsibility. And a honeymoon where it could be a last big selfish holiday (for a long while at least) before children.

B.) I wanted financial security as I knew I'd be going part time and having a long maternity leave, therefore impacting my career and finances.

C.) I wanted us all to have the same last surname so we all double barrelled.

Eminybob · 03/05/2021 09:51

DS1 was 2 when DH and I got married.
No one had ever mentioned us being unmarried when we had him. Never even occurred to me that anyone would have a problem with it.

If you really want to elope, then don’t let family politics put you off.

We got married in secret and told everyone when we came back from “honeymoon” by then it was too late so no one could really say anything.

Howshouldibehave · 03/05/2021 09:52

If you want to give up work or go part time after having a baby without being married, I think that would be extremely unwise. I don’t think many people care about the moral side of things any more-especially if you are already ‘living in sin’!

DinosaurDiana · 03/05/2021 09:53

It’s your life. You do what you want, not what others expect.

Poppop4 · 03/05/2021 09:53

We had a baby after 11 years together but we are not yet married. We planned to marry this year but Covid has messed it up a bit.
When I told my partners sister I was expecting she was really arsey and said do her parents know so I said yes and she said well they won’t be happy because your not married but of course they won’t say that to your face. It really hurt me! His parents were so happy for us and never mentioned being unmarried. Then 3 months later sister in law is pregnant, she’s married yes but the baby is her affair partners 😵 needless to say me being unmarried was not at all an issue after that!

shivawn · 03/05/2021 10:26

Very few will mind and those who do will get over it fast. This is a very normal situation today.

DenisetheMenace · 03/05/2021 10:28

No judgement from me. Good luck Smile

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