To wonder if an all girls school will be hard when it comes to teen relationships?

[Scarletbutnotohara]

Wasn’t sure how to put the actual question so apologies if it sounds a bit odd!
DD is currently at a co-Ed prep, and will be starting at a single sex grammar in September.
As someone that went to a co-Ed comp, single sex schools are completely new to me (and DD obviously) I have so many memories of my school days and many of those memories involve boys. First crush, first ‘relationship’... not only that side of it but also the fun and friendships I had with both the girls and the boys.
If you went to a single sex school, how did you meet boys? And when you did, were you comfortable around them? Parents of girls in single sex- do you feel the lack of interaction with the opposite sex is beneficial and less of a ‘distraction?’ Or do you feel there are more negatives to not being educated together?
I’m not worried about it, as such, just more intrigued as to what to expect.
DD attends some extra curricular clubs, but they are mostly girls. Plus, the grammar has a lot of extra curricular clubs that she is likely to be join, so obviously all girls again.
It’s unlikely she will stay in touch with the boys from her current school.....

For girls a good single sex school is usually better for everything including relationship building

For girls (and boys) a good school with good teachers and a strong SLT is better for everything. Let's stop demonising young people and show them how to grow and learn as equals.

I knew a lot of girls at uni who went to single-sex secondary schools. They did find it a bit overwhelming being around so many men at once, but adapted quickly.

The only thing I would say is to make sure that before she moves onto the next stage of her life - whether that's uni, an apprenticeship or a job - you make sure she knows very clearly what her personal boundaries are, lest some bloke take advantage of her naivete. As long as she knows what isn't acceptable - what she doesn't need to put up with - she'll be fine in the long run.

I went to an all boys school and hated it. It definitely affected my confidence around girls, I didn’t have any relationship at all until my mid-twenties, I didn’t socialise at all at uni, just came home. If I could go back and change one thing in my life it would be to go to a normal school. This is why my kids will go to the regular local mixed school.

@Letsgetreadytocrumble

I think about a few horrible experiences I had as a late teen/early 20s and I honestly think that if I had had normal relationships with boys, had a boyfriend as a teenager etc I wouldn't have been 'putting myself out there' in the way I did later on and those things might not have happened. But then maybe I would have had horrible experiences at a younger age if I were at a mixed school? I don't know really.

It’s considered quite normal for girls in coed secondary schools to have ‘serious boyfriends’ from 11 /12. To the point where it isn’t even challenged unless the boy is over 16.

I agree. I went to all-girls schools all the way through. Knew nothing of boys , didn't even have any brothers so boys were totally uncharted territory for me. By the time I left school, I'd never had a male friend / boyfriend and there was a huge gap in my development. It led to me making some pretty bad mistakes with men in my late teens and early 20's

I wouldn't recommend single sex schools unless she has some male interaction outside of school

^This

An all girls school affected me exactly the same way and I went a bit mad with boys when I finally found my confidence. I think single sex schools are a bad idea and I made sure DS goes to a mixed one

It's only after reaching adulthood that I realise how toxic mixed schools are. Because whilst I was bullied by girls, I had friends who were boys - but I was also, along with everybody else, repeatedly groped, verbally abused and sexually assaulted on more than one occasion by other boys and hadn't thought about that because it was just what happened to girls.

Working in mixed schools with an adult perspective, I realised just how endemic it is and how even when you say something because you've seen the 'milder' end of forcible hugs and contact and hope that the girls will disclose what you are 100% sure is going on, the girls all say 'It's alright, Miss, he's a friend' or 'He''s just mucking around' and leave the DSL with no way of proceeding further. At one place, CCTV was installed and all you saw was the girl who had had enough lamping them, never ever what they had done because the boys were so skilled at avoiding detection. And then when there was a rare full blown, distraught disclosure of sexual assault, senior staff would say it was all a misunderstanding and they were sure that he wouldn't have done that, really, perhaps she needs some time off and mental health support. I now work in a single sex school and there is no constant undercurrent of violence, sexual or otherwise. Seeing its absence emphasises how very, very wrong I was before about mixed educational provision.

Single sex schools have their downsides/similarities with mixed, too creepy teachers who the governors believe over and above the female staff and/or students if there isn't a handy computer full of images, usually - but at least there is a reduced amount of assault, abuse and coercion from their peers during the hours of 8-4pm. Once they're on their way home, they're at the same risk from boys and men as the rest of the female population - but at least there are eight hours in the day where it isn't fucking constant to the extent that it's normalised enough for it to not even register 90% of the time.

I'm sad that I am now of the opinion that single sex provision is the best option for both sexes when I didn't see it earlier. But I wouldn't hesitate to say to anybody in a position to make a choice now that I was wrong.

@Wabe

My convent school classmates mostly got knocked up by the male school down the road, if that’s what you mean by ‘relationships’.

Did we go to the same school @Wabe?! Lots of girls in my convent grammar had babies by the time we finished school. Getting pregnant was bad but abortion was not an option (I know one girl who did have an abortion aged 14 but I never told anyone else at school as I knew she would have been really judged for it).

I wouldn't choose a single sex school. Boys were so 'other' and exotic. Girls who were openly gay (very few) were accused of looking at others all the time - they weren't.
There were crushes on much older male teachers that were really strange.
We were collectively ill-equipped to deal with the real world which is not just female.
But the younger generation of my family now attend that school as it's got an excellent academic reputation.

I went to an all girls school which had a joint sixth form with a boys' school. I think it worked well - it was great for confidence building and avoiding silliness about relationships. It covered that time when there's often a big mismatch between girls and boys maturity and development (girls often already well on the way with puberty, boys yet to start). There were still opportunities to meet boys of course (many got bus to school, joint social events, both schools 'borrowed' pupils for things like drama) and then in sixth form it gave a wider choice of subjects to study.

@MaryBoBary

I went to an all girls school and it was horrendous. Nasty bullying, ganging up against certain people, I wouldn't send my daughter to one. I also left school having had barely any contact with the opposite sex and struggled to be myself around boys for a good few years. Not only that, but I sailed through the 11+ but ended up bottom of the class due to some highly intelligent children. It massively knocked my confidence and I didn't thrive as I think I would have done at a comprehensive.

At comprehensive, you'd have been bullied for being too clever (and the constant sexual assault, violence and harassment I've mentioned in my earlier post). Both would also have knocked your confidence equally.

I went to an all girls school. I loved it at the the time and I flourished academically there, but totally agree with the posts about being very socially naive with boys. A lot of my friends did have boyfriends over our time at school and the fact I never did made me feel as if something was wrong with me and that I was disgusting and unloveable. I didn’t have a proper boyfriend until I was 18 and i was sexually assaulted by him and fell pregnant at 19 as I wasn’t super savvy and hadn’t had those early relationships young where the expectation wasn’t to immediately be having a sexual relationship. I just wanted him to love me, which I though being a sexual doormat would achieve. I had no boundaries and my sexual and emotional maturity in relationships was definitely stunted by my own experience.
Obviously it is not all on where I went to school but it didn’t help. I also had very prudish parents who didn’t talk to me about sex and relationships at all so I think a lot of my issues could have been mitigated there, and perhaps with more of a drive to boost my self esteem because I felt boys thought I was disgusting and unattractive when I was younger. I won’t be sending my daughters to single sex schools but if I was I would be nurturing social co-Ed extra curricular activities, and really working on hammering home the message that not having a boyfriend doesn’t make you ugly or a bad person.

I genuinely don't know why people are saying l went to an all girls school and l did science . Girls take all the subjects in a mixed school. My dd did and girls in her year did engineering, agriculture science, technology etc. There was absolutely no issues and a lot went forward to make a career from those.
This is not an issue here anyway. I went to a mixed school many years ago and what l liked was guys were just friends..no big deal.

junebirthdaygirl there is research to show that girls at single sex schools are more likely to study STEM subjects than girls at mixed schools.

www.fenews.co.uk/press-releases/19128-why-don-t-more-girls-study-maths-and-physics

I genuinely don't know why people are saying l went to an all girls school and l did science . Girls take all the subjects in a mixed school.

The numbers are fewer at A Level, not so much at GCSE where science is compulsory but Computer Science, very few girls choose it, even in a school were all the computing teachers were female the GCSE class was all male.

One thing I have done though is when there are girls in the class I sit them together, I don't think they should be spaced out to improve behavior of boys.

I and my brother both went to single sex schools, and both schools had a "twin" school of the opposite sex. Ours shared a coach service and pupils from both schools used to congregate in the central car park at lunchtime where there was plenty of "socialising" going on...! No formal joint stuff, but there was an annual joint disco (cringe!) and plenty of girls had boyfriends.

My school was every cliche of the high-pressure girls school. Bitchy, cliquey, eating disorders were rife with at least one hospitalisation per year. But how much of that atmosphere would have changed if boys were there? Most girls wore loads of makeup and rolled their skirts up all day long, even if they didn't see a boy all day. It would still have been very high pressure academically and socially, with all the toxic mental health fallout.

I'm torn about sending our own children to single sex schools, but with everything I've read in the press lately about the sexual bullying that goes on at school, it horrifies me to think that my daughter could be sitting there trying to learn and some boy is trying to sneak a photo of her knickers. Or trying to get into the girls changing room. Or watching porn with his friends in the corner at breaktime. I know girls can be horrifically mean to each other, and that boys don't have a monopoly on inappropriate sexual content, but when I was at school we had mobiles but smartphones didn't exist.

My husband has worked with teenage boys recently and he said it makes him want to lock our children in an ivory tower with a dragon to protect them until they've passed through puberty.

Ultimately, I don't think teenage girls need to have boyfriends, and I think friendships or relationships with boys can be facilitated outside school if you choose. Sending her to a mixed school just so she can get a boyfriend is pretty bizarre to me! Is your plan to marry her off young? (joke!) Personally I am inclined on balance to prefer the idea of school as a welcome break from "boy stuff", but to be wary of the culture of high-pressure girls schools and try to find somewhere more relaxed.

I went to a all girls school. No way would I ever send DD. At 18, having no brothers either, I was beyond unprepared for dealing with boys at university. I just didn’t know how to interact normally with the opposite sex. Plus eating disorders and self harm were just rife.

My D.C. were at all girls schools from 11-18 and having read some of the horror stories on Everyone's Invited I'm very glad they were. They still had plenty of boys as friends from primary school and outside hobby groups.

Academically it is far better for your dd, she will be able to focus and concentrate on her school work and sports without distractions.

I made some very firm friendships as well, that are still friends today, and boys are often very offensive and rude about girls. Not all are good eggs, and some can be extremely unkind. DD was in mixed until 13 and then we moved her to an all girls school, and she has really thrived, and has got some great results, she has been able to develop without scrutiny, concentrate without worrying what she looks like, and has enjoyed a certain freedom and carefree life that is not possible in mixed schools due to the pressures.

She also expects respectful behaviour and has not got used to be treated like meat by boys old enough to know better. Her confidence has grown, and she now meets boys on her own terms and has a great deal of self worth thanks to her great grades, self respect and space to grow.

I am now a 100% converted to all girls school, they are excellent and are better performing than the alternative. DD has great set of friends.

We haven't seen lots of cliques or bitchy behaviour at all I might add, the girls are largely very supportive of one another, and do not have boys to fight over every day, so we have found it to be a really happy time for her. I would also add my youngest dd now there we moved her at 11, and couldn't be happier, so definitely not a one off.

They are both doing so well, it was the right decision for us definitely.

Some girls have boyfriends, but most are waiting until they are a little older, which is no bad thing in my book!! Focus on the academics, they have their whole lives to enjoy dating men on a level playing field, with the maturity in place, and no teen pregnancies! I am glad they are enjoying their childhood without all of the sexual bullying going on in mixed schools.

At comprehensive, you'd have been bullied for being too clever (and the constant sexual assault, violence and harassment I've mentioned in my earlier post).

At my DD's comp, the smart kids (of which there are many) are seen as cool rather than nerds. God knows where you went to experience all this harassment and violence but it doesn't sound like a typical comp.

I went to a girls grammar and am left with mixed feelings. I definitely didn't ever feel censored in lessons or ever had to waste my time with regards to the notable drag on teacher time boys can be. I certainly felt any subject was for me and have a healthy balance of stem humanities and arts qualifications.

I am very intolerant of toxic male bs and tend to call it out which whilst good for my head probably is actively a disadvantage in some work environments, I'm seen as a ranty feminist, I've studied a fair bit of feminist literature and I know I'm not in any way radical or extreme. So, there's that. It can be a plus and a negative I guess I could learn to conform more, but at 45 I really don't give a fuck for that. Nor do I thi k I'm somehow bucking the system probably because I just see equality as a norm that I now realise was a smoke screen.

But not everyone responds to the freedom a single sex school brought us and there were certainly students who is imagine wouldn't have handled the mixed world brilliantly.

I had a lot of hobbies and to be frank didn't mix well with those from mixed schools at first meeting because I guess I didn't act as quite expected around boys or girls. But then I made friends just fine over time. I was a bit behind and a bit ahead I suppose in my approach to dating for eg. It didn't hinder me dating but then I started late due to a distaste for teenage boys and thin pickings for teenage girls, i thought I was totally gay - turns out I just prefer more level headed partners generally male and female. I did enjoy a single sex school in that in my friendship group there wasn't pressure to date but then maybe I would have found friends like that in a mixed school? My brother at a boys school certainly was dating from quite young.

DS1 (15) is at an all boys grammar. There is an all girls grammar and a mixed comp in the same town. Most of his friends are girls from both of these other schools and he has no problem with relationships. I think this very much depends on the child rather than the school.

I went to a girls school state that had a boys school next door and had a mixed sixth form. The girls obsessed about the boys in the sixth form 🤣 and would know where to ‘bump into them’ after lessons
But I had a great experience and found that a group of girls from the “girls school” befriended a group of boys from the “boys school” so plenty of opportunities for friendships/ socialising/ first snogs etc
Is there proximity to a boys school/mixed school?

I went to a girls grammar, with a boys' grammar on the same site.
From (what would not be) Yr9 there were lots of mixed extra curricular - music, drams, debating soc., I'm sure others I can't remember). Most mingling went on on the buses and trains to get there though.

My dc went to single sex schools (local comps, not grammars - they are quite common around here).
They kept in touch with some friends from Primary - much easier now with social media - and would sometimes bump into friends (and their new friends) when walking home or going to the park etc.
They also mixed with boys through Church, Scouts, swimming, drams and other various hobbies - then of course, through meeting those friends at various things. Just as we did.

@TheTurn0fTheScrew

My daughter is at a very average mixed sex comprehensive. I absolutely do not recognise the comments about there being "boys'" activities/subjects. The triple science and maths top sets have slightly more girls. sports are on an equal footing with boys' and girls' teams for each.

@TheTurn0fTheScrew as you refer to triple science I assume you are talking about GCSEs. I'd be interested if you know what the boy/girl ratios are at A level for maths, further maths, physics and computing?

Orangebug not to dodge the question but I genuinely don't know. Local A-Level provision is at 6th form college rather than school-based.