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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if an all girls school will be hard when it comes to teen relationships?

135 replies

Scarletbutnotohara · 02/05/2021 01:50

Wasn’t sure how to put the actual question so apologies if it sounds a bit odd!
DD is currently at a co-Ed prep, and will be starting at a single sex grammar in September.
As someone that went to a co-Ed comp, single sex schools are completely new to me (and DD obviously) I have so many memories of my school days and many of those memories involve boys. First crush, first ‘relationship’... not only that side of it but also the fun and friendships I had with both the girls and the boys.
If you went to a single sex school, how did you meet boys? And when you did, were you comfortable around them? Parents of girls in single sex- do you feel the lack of interaction with the opposite sex is beneficial and less of a ‘distraction?’ Or do you feel there are more negatives to not being educated together?
I’m not worried about it, as such, just more intrigued as to what to expect.
DD attends some extra curricular clubs, but they are mostly girls. Plus, the grammar has a lot of extra curricular clubs that she is likely to be join, so obviously all girls again.
It’s unlikely she will stay in touch with the boys from her current school.....

OP posts:
bunglebee · 02/05/2021 08:06

I spent 14 years in single sex education.

Boys were no problem. An all girl's school attracted boys (and grown men) like a fucking magnet. I met boys at sports camp and summer schools, through friends, at the park, and later on on nights out. I had "boyfriends" on and off from the age of 12, but in school I got to focus on school. I excelled in maths and science, I played football, I really enjoyed not having to navigate "what girls do" and "what boys do" and be in an environment where girls did everything.

Personally I would send a DD to single sex and a DS to mixed, because my experience of boys who went to single sex locally was that many of them didn't have the faintest clue what a girl was, in a very damaging way.

AndAllOurYesterdays · 02/05/2021 08:06

I went to an all girl's grammar. No make friends outside school, no brothers, I was very sheltered. I got to uni and did feel I'd missed out on that teenage romance stage. I didn't know how to talk to boys etc. But I don't think it affected me long term. I made healthy relationship choices from uni onwards, and now have close male and female friends.

Dinosauraddict · 02/05/2021 08:08

I went to an all girls school, and would never send DC to one. (He's a DS so will be going private, but mixed sex.) Many of the girls grew up poorly socialised, don't know how to mix well with others (especially men) and Uni was a huge shock to them.

DoTheNextRightThing · 02/05/2021 08:12

I had far more issues with the girls at school than the boys. Boys were disruptive but girls were toxic. A whole school of girls sounds like hell for me. The majority of my closest friends at school were boys. Still my best friends now.

Pricklykaktus · 02/05/2021 08:13

I think it depends a lot on your dd’s personality. I went to all girls school and had no experience of being around boys. Once I was in the big wide world I really didn’t know how to behave around boys, was extremely nervous and ended up making some terrible mistakes in my 20’s. However there were other factors too like I was shy, had low self esteem, had been bullied a bit at school so it may be very different for you dd. I did notice though how much better educated I was than a lot of my peers and perhaps didn’t appreciate at the time the fact that all girl classes really can focus on the lesson itself, no boy distractions.

Wabe · 02/05/2021 08:14

My convent school classmates mostly got knocked up by the male school down the road, if that’s what you mean by ‘relationships’.

Wiltshire90 · 02/05/2021 08:15

I loved going to an all-girls school. It was so relaxing and I made friends for life. I had male friends outside of school and have had no problems interacting with men as an adult. It's only a problem if you make it one (which it really isn't). You could always put your daughter in a mixed activities outside of school if you think it will impact her.

Wiltshire90 · 02/05/2021 08:17

Oh, and i think the youngest girl to get pregnant from my year was 26 so ignore the horror stories Wink if it's a good school it won't matter OP.

funtimefrank · 02/05/2021 08:20

My mum went to an all girls grammar school but to be fair in the 60s so not helpful.

She totally advocates for it (she taught in secondary so has a bit of a comparator). Less disruption in class (and not necessarily from the actual boys but as much from the hormone swamp) focus on study etc.

She had boyfriends and lots male friends, just through other avenues. When she went to uni she was the only girl on her course (stem subject) and coped just fine. In fact the fact she went to a girls school really helped her achieve in STEM, none of this 'it's for boys' attitude which was pretty progressive for 1965. I would hope less of an issue today but who knows.

switswoo81 · 02/05/2021 08:24

I spent all my education in single sex school.then attended a teacher training college that had a ratio of 9 girls to every boy.
I loved it. I had amazing female friends that I still have to this day but also a few male college friends.
. Never felt I missed out on anything. One of my best friend's met her husband from her part time job at 16 but I never had a boyfriend because I didn't really want one, in my group they weren't a priority. Met dh in mid twenties and have a very functional relationship.
I work in a completely female staff now and have two dd's so I think I was never destined to be around men!

RampantIvy · 02/05/2021 08:26

@KateWinceyette

Girls at DD's mixed comp do triple science and further maths. The girls are no more appearance obsessed than those at the nearby girls grammar. The bright girls at the comp perform as well as the top set girls at the grammar.

What's this pressure from boys you speak of?

That was DD's experience at school as well. Surely, the encouragement for girls and boys to excel equally comes from the teachers and the culture of the school?

DD has always been a hard worker and excelled at GCSE and A level. She did triple science and is now doing a STEM degee and a highly regarded university. She had a boyfriend at school, and has boys as friends at university.

Bayleaf25 · 02/05/2021 08:26

I also went to an all girls school. I had great experiences and made friends for life. It wasn’t particularly bitchy, the odd incident maybe (but no more than DDs mixed comp).
We met boys locally, people’s brothers etc and another boys school for social events etc. Meeting boys at uni wasn’t a problem for me, I actually made lots of very good male friends. I may have been a bit shy, but am inherently anyway.

Most of the annoyances at DDs mixed school (she’s 15) are caused by some of the more difficult boys who mess around in lessons and generally think they are cool by messing around. Of course some girls do this too but her personal experience is mostly a few annoying boys who mess around in lessons or make sexist comments. This is only a few boys though as she has many other male friends.

It’s a difficult decision but maybe view what else the schools offer other than just the mixed/single sex elements.

Stevenetween · 02/05/2021 08:29

Girls school here and it was brilliant. Very supportive atmosphere, quite academic and arty, no boys to talk over you in class or make you feel self conscious. We were all ‘swots’ and no-one cared. Loved it.
There was a boys school opposite and they were little sh&ts sometimes, harassing us to and from school, generally being idiots! But girls dated them, or boys from other schools or somebodies cousin/ brother etc.

Occasionally we would have joint expeditions or themed projects with a mixed school near us and my over riding memory of that was how their girls didn’t speak up as much to answer questions and how the boys never shut up, even when they didn’t really know the answer they still hogged the floor and attention.
Personally I feel like there is PLENTY of time for girls to get to experience being around lads - particularly if you think that kids can leave their school for a mixed 6th form after GCSEs

Stevenetween · 02/05/2021 08:30

I’m still in touch with,
Or close friends with, many, many girls from school too...

Branleuse · 02/05/2021 08:30

Fwiw i went to a mixed comp and was woefully unprepared for relationships with boys due to being bullied so much.
I think its very easy to put a bad experience of school down to a particular issue, but all schools have their pros and cons. I wouldnt rule out a girls school in case it makes it harder to find boyfriends as a lot of the time boys are a bit of a pain to girls anyway

Bayleaf25 · 02/05/2021 08:30

On the plus side, being at a mixed school, I am teaching her firmly how to call out/react to any sexist behaviour, which is a good lesson for life. She certainly isn’t intimidated by these situations if you see what I mean.

She doesn’t wear lots of makeup and feels no pressure to look good (other than for herself).

YouJustDoYou · 02/05/2021 08:32

I wish I could've gone to an all girls. The boys were horrid where I went. the constant sex talk, who had the best breasts, who was a frigid bitch, I got spat on for being ugly, laughed at, mocked....I hated the way males were. then I left school and realised it didn't actually.change that much into the adult world either.

feelingsadtoday2021 · 02/05/2021 08:32

I went to an all girls school I would never send my kids to one if I had the choice

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 02/05/2021 08:33

Met boys through people's siblings, hanging around local areas! Sometimes through joint school stuff.
I must admit though I had a funny idea of boys and couldn't talk to them normally.

Cwenthryth · 02/05/2021 08:34

You’ve made a massive assumption that your daughter will be romantically/sexually attracted to boys, OP. Heterosexual relationships are not compulsory nor the only option Wink

I went to a mixed primary and all-girls secondary & sixth form so experienced both. Meeting and socialising with boys was not a problem at all. I met them on the bus on the way to and from school; at weekends in the park or shopping centre; at discos and parties; through friends; through youth groups, orchestras, joint drama productions etc. Not having them in my school meant there was a strong pro-girl ethos and alumna from my school are overwhelmingly skewed to high flying successful leadership types in whichever field they chose to pursue. Even at primary I remember so much focus in the classroom on the boys, shouting louder, misbehaving, taking way more of the teachers’ attention, and treating girls “as girls” rather than fellow equals. The entire rest of the world is mixed sex, school was a female-only sanctuary where education and personal development could be focused upon without the need to manage the different needs of developing teen boys and girls, where we didn’t have to be constantly battling low level sexism every minute of the day.

With the current frightening statistics about rape and sexual abuse happening to girls actually in schools in the UK, and with some schools permitting pupils to self-identify into whichever single-sex space they prefer where sex-segregated facilities are provided (such as changing rooms, toilets etc) or doing away with single-sex facilities all together in some cases, I would happily send any daughter of mine to a singe sex school (if she wanted).

I think relying on school as the only place where a young person socialises outside of their family is a poor plan in the first place.

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 08:37

My DD went to an all girls school but is a lesbian so I can’t comment on female/male relationships, however she is very at ease with male workmates and friends so I don’t think it would be a problem.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 02/05/2021 08:38

Went to an all girls grammar and wish I had a single sex option for my DDs - it’s the only reason I would consider moving from where we live now.

No issue meeting boys Grin youth club in key stage three, some male friends from early childhood outside school then from year 10ish just hanging around town we met similar aged boys. Once one friend got a boyfriend inevitably we met their friends who were either from all boys or mixed sex grammar. We were in pubs and nightclubs from 14/15.

Papadontpreachimintroubledeep · 02/05/2021 08:40

I loved my all girls school. No distractions and on the whole I think I definitely got a much better education from it.
I dknt get why you're worried about your dd having a boyfriend though she's young and if there's other opportunities then she'll make friends with boys and have a boyfriend when she's ready.
I myself wasn't interested in boys until college and neither were my friends (apart from celeb crushes) and I think going to my school meant we didn't have the pressure of it and only got into relationships when we were ready. I'm still friends with my high school friends and we're all in stable long term relationships.

alrightfella · 02/05/2021 08:42

My kids go to an independent school that is co Ed to 11, taught in single sex until 16 and co Ed again in sixth form. Best of both worlds I think.

in years 7-11 the opposite sex are still there at lunch times and clubs but lessons are all taught single sex. I believe lots of independents schools do this. Takes the distraction out of the classroom

ComDummings · 02/05/2021 08:42

I went to a co-ed grammar and didn’t have any male friends or any boyfriends while I was at school. They were just annoying to me at best, absolute sex pests and bullies at worst. Not all of course but enough where like that that I didn’t want to be anywhere near them tbh. So I don’t think being at a mixed sex school means guaranteed male friendships and relationships. At University I got a good mixed sex friendship group. Co-ed at secondary is not actually a positive IMO.