AIBU to expect my DH to be tolerant of my friends and family??

[jacspatoutthecat]

AIBU to think you have to tolerate all different types of people if your spouse has friends and family that are different to how you are ? For context I was brought up in a relatively well off family and I had a good childhood my DH had an ok childhood but has very few memories because as a family they didn't do much but he was loved and well cared for. Dh and I have been together for 16 yrs and he hates my family he thinks they are snobs but they like nice things and they have the money to afford it. My Dh is very very money savvy so will never spend out on anything and gets cross seeing people spend their money on what he classes as wastage ie nice wine, gois food, theatre tickets and nice clothes- all the stuff I had growing up (minus the wine!) but he didn't have. I am relatively well travelled have been to uni and lived in 8 different towns I have had 10 different jobs and lived with friends in notting hill and a shared house in Brixton! I know lawyers and doctors bit also people living on the bread line. He has lived in the same town all his life and had the same job since he was 18. He bought a house at 21 -amazivg achievement. He is such a lovely man and is so kind and caring but only to what he classes normal people he will not tolerate snobbery which he says is showing off or slovenly behaviour either. Last year was great for him because mixing was forbidden but now we can get out and about a bit more if he is with me I have to he so careful who we mix with unless I want to start an argument. He is just not tolerant of anyone that is different to him and it is getting worse the older he gets. It is making me realise how different we are but as a person he is so lovely and kind he does so much for our elderly neighbours but he will not go or do anything with any of my friends or family because they are all so different to him.

He doesn’t sound lovely! He sounds intolerant and rude. He also sounds like he would like to isolate you from your family and friends.
He needs to grow the fuck up and realise there’s many different kinds of people in the world. Perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine and criticise his “lower class” family and friends. Maybe make little digs like oh I’d like to go out for sushi but YOU would probably be happier with fish and chips.
(That last idea is probably not good).

Why did he marry you if he can’t stand people so different from him?

It sounds really wearing. It must be difficult to be in constant conflict worrying about what he thinks/how he will respond to your family and friends.

He sounds like an idiot and not at all lovely. I also can’t fathom how anyone could marry someone who hates their family for no good reason.

Abs he doesn’t sound money savvy - he sounds parsimonious.

I’d not have lasted 16 days let alone 16 years.

So people can only spend money in ways that he approves of or he judges them?

I spend money on theatre tickets and nice food because I enjoy it. I don’t spend money on football tickets or a sky subscription because I don’t but I understand others do and don’t judge them for it.

I would argue that your husband is the snob. Because he doesn’t enjoy those things he thinks they are a waste of money and people are only doing then to show off.

If I wanted to show off I’d probably have a much nicer car! (Currently bringing down the standards of the neighbourhood and couldn’t care less!) I am doing up the house nicely though because I work from home so like to have a nice atmosphere.

You don't have to have money to be a snob.

Honestly - how did you stay with someone who hates your family for no good reason?

Ironically he sounds like a snob towards your family and friends.

It has got worse over the years he never used to be this bad. The older he gets the less tolerant he is of people generally.

Snobbery isn't enjoying good food, travel etc. Snobbery is looking down on others and considering them inferior - which is exactly what your DH does. He sounds like a classic controller. This is abuse. You deserve better.

It's not abuse, don't be daft. He does sound narrow minded and childish though.

So what does he say when you talk to him about it? Have you actually said ‘DH - these are people who just like different things to you. Give it a fucking rest’?

He says he feels inferior to them and he thinks they enjoy making him feel inferior because they will suggest a nice meal at a trendy restaurant rather than the local toby carvery where he feels more comfortable. Before he met me he had never been exposed to anyone different to him and this he what he can't deal with. I dont know its jealousy or just not ever having had life experience of meetig a wide range of different people from different walks of life. I was attracted to him I think partly because he seemed so grounded and also because he didnt try to wine and dine me to seduce me - like I had been used to do with other less genuine men. He was so different when we met 20 yrs ago.

It has got worse over the years he never used to be this bad. The older he gets the less tolerant he is of people generally.

I think his life hasn’t turned out as well as he’d hoped financially. I guess it’s a lot of pressure as typically a man is supposed to support his partner so may feel they are judging him so finds them snobby for it.

I can understand how it feels being less well off surrounded by wealthy people but I would never judge someone negatively just because they have more money than me. I’m mot sure how you can get someone to not feel jealous of people better off than them.

I would argue that your husband is the snob. Because he doesn’t enjoy those things he thinks they are a waste of money and people are only doing then to show off.

I agree. He thinks they’re beneath him because he has decided they are snobby etc.

It looks like his judging stems from deep insecurities. Maybe try digging into that? Nobody else actually gives a fuck about his status why should he about theirs?
Also there’s nothing to feel uncomfortable about in fancy places. Money talks not social status

Ultimately his insecurity and lack of open-mindedness to try anything new or accept different ways of life will suck the joy out of yours. It boils down to whether you can put up with that.

Sorry OP but he's a jealous insecure controlling snob. You say he's getting worse as he gets older; how do you think he'll be in 10 years time? In 20? Have you talked about this with him? I'll be honest, I had to have a word with my DH a couple of years ago as he was turning into a grumpy old man. He listened and took what I said on board. It doesn't sound as if your DH would be that reasonable? You need to decide what you're willing to put up with as you both get older.

I personally couldn't put up with someone looking down their nose at my family: we were really poor when I was growing up but have all done ok and we enjoy spending our money however we please. Anyone judging either our poor background or our present comfortable situation would get short shrift from me!

Another who doesn't fathom how he is lovely. Unless he is seeing the people he wants who have roles he thinks are worthwhile, he acts like a petulant twat. This is either jealousy, or some kind of reverse classism he seems to be displaying. I had one like that- and lost all my friends and he thought they were putting on airs, showing off- no they weren't but it was easier to keep them seperate. Took a while after finally giving him the arse to actually allow myself to be me, and not his vision of what I should be...........and to get my perfectly normal and nice friends back.

He sounds insufferable jealous arrogant snidey rude and judgemental.

He's a horrid bitter twisted cretin that resents his own upbringing and holds everyone else in contempt as a result.

Anyone treating my kind generous relatives like this.. and for all these years.. would have been drop kicked out my life years ago.

I feel you have allowed this beast room to grow. 🌸

He sounds horrible!! There's no need for him to be so rude and judgemental. It's an awful personality trait to have. Why should everybody live their lives the way HE dictates?

Better off people can be nice too. It’s not their fault.

Does he limit your enjoyment of nice things with his tight frugal attitude?
If you were raised to enjoy going out, good food etc and he only wants to go to the Toby Carvery don’t you feel stifled?

Your husband is the snob

Also he isn't lovely.

Sorry you are enduring this, OP. I wonder if the two of you are simply incompatible. There's nothing wrong or unusual about that; sometimes opposites do attract and all is brilliant for a while, but then the differences really start to grate. And I'm sure you know the phrase "death by a thousand cuts".

Lots of useful perspectives here from PPs, and I'll add one more as someone brought up in a conservative-seeming but quite bohemian household. The four of us (DM, DF, DB and me) were very different personalities and gave each other leeway to come together for meals and chats then drift off to our various interests and friendships. This was normal to me, so, when I met the now XH, it was alarming to be expected to fall in with his family's strict rules of behaviour -- which included restricting my time with my DPs and friends and ceasing my travels.

OP, you need to ask yourself: Does being with DH make me a better person? Does this marriage increase my happiness?

If the answer is no, there's no need to stay. Set him free to find someone more conventional.

He has a big chip on his shoulder (an ''old'' expression not used much these days!). He is very insecure and cannot accept people for who and what they are. Your family and friends must dislike him, think him silly and feel like they are walking on egg shells when encountering him. Just tiresome and immature.