Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to be tolerant of my friends and family??

100 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 01/05/2021 22:59

AIBU to think you have to tolerate all different types of people if your spouse has friends and family that are different to how you are ? For context I was brought up in a relatively well off family and I had a good childhood my DH had an ok childhood but has very few memories because as a family they didn't do much but he was loved and well cared for. Dh and I have been together for 16 yrs and he hates my family he thinks they are snobs but they like nice things and they have the money to afford it. My Dh is very very money savvy so will never spend out on anything and gets cross seeing people spend their money on what he classes as wastage ie nice wine, gois food, theatre tickets and nice clothes- all the stuff I had growing up (minus the wine!) but he didn't have. I am relatively well travelled have been to uni and lived in 8 different towns I have had 10 different jobs and lived with friends in notting hill and a shared house in Brixton! I know lawyers and doctors bit also people living on the bread line. He has lived in the same town all his life and had the same job since he was 18. He bought a house at 21 -amazivg achievement. He is such a lovely man and is so kind and caring but only to what he classes normal people he will not tolerate snobbery which he says is showing off or slovenly behaviour either. Last year was great for him because mixing was forbidden but now we can get out and about a bit more if he is with me I have to he so careful who we mix with unless I want to start an argument. He is just not tolerant of anyone that is different to him and it is getting worse the older he gets. It is making me realise how different we are but as a person he is so lovely and kind he does so much for our elderly neighbours but he will not go or do anything with any of my friends or family because they are all so different to him.

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 02/05/2021 07:17

It's not unreasonable to expect him to make an effort but very difficult to change such a rigid attitude in someone else. This is his hang-up. Are you able or want to mix with 'your' people without him? Let him do his own thing if it makes him uncomfortable. I wouldn't be taking on the mental load of his issues.

SunIsComing · 02/05/2021 07:21

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? I wouldn’t tolerate him.

romdowa · 02/05/2021 07:29

I'm sorry but your oh sounds bitter and jealous. How other people spend their money is none of his business

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 02/05/2021 08:17

I can’t roll my eyes hard enough at him. How on earth do you tolerate this ????

Orangebug · 02/05/2021 08:20

He sounds narrow minded and unpleasant. I think you'll find it keeps on getting worse OP.

Horehound · 02/05/2021 08:21

So he is insecure? Yes you need to be tolerant, definitely

MajorMujer · 02/05/2021 08:24

He sounds massively insecure, it must be exhausting for you to deal with.

Starstruck2021 · 02/05/2021 08:26

What an awful way for you to live. And no he doesn’t sound lovely and kind.

Why did he pick you if he can’t stand well off people?

Temp023 · 02/05/2021 08:28

DH and I have nice things because we have worked hard and earned them. Obviously there has been some luck involved, but we never stopped grafting, for qualifications, for promotions and now we have the things we want.. and we are still working at interesting, responsible jobs that we love. We do not object to paying taxes, we give to charity.

OP, are your family in the same situation? What does your DH genuinely think they should do?

Branleuse · 02/05/2021 08:33

He sounds a bit prolier than thou

Trisolaris · 02/05/2021 08:35

So he is projecting his insecurities on your friends and family? Because he is out of his comfort zone they must be trying to make him look bad on purpose?

dottiedodah · 02/05/2021 08:35

Im sorry to say this ,but he sounds intolerant and judgmental to me ! There is a very true saying that you "marry the person ,marry the family" possibly Indian origin not sure .However as time goes by ,what will happen if they need help ? Will he not wish to interact?If he has got worse in the last 20 years he will continue like this I expect! If you had DC how will it work then?Maybe think about your future with this man!

Maggiesfarm · 02/05/2021 08:37

You husband sounds as though he has a chip on his shoulder. He is defensive. Wherever we are in life there are people better off, with different values and priorities, that is just how it goes but what is important is that are good people.

I would talk seriously to him about this. It doesn't sound to me as though your family are snobs, I'm sure they don't look down on your husband - why would they? That is what snobbishness is. Your husband is the snob here.

Hating your family is so extreme. They are what they are, know no different.

pheasantsinlove · 02/05/2021 08:38

I'm sorry op he sounds like a dickhead. I grew up on a council estate to a single parent... we had nothing... my mum thought you were posh if you bought branded baked beans! I've grown up and embraced meeting different people and trying new things... He's trying to use his upbringing as an excuse for behaving like a knob. The only thing holding him back is himself and if he want to do that then fine, but why should you put up with it?
How the hell is going to the theatre snobby?!! It's a treat for a lot of people as it's expensive but there's nothing snobby about it.

smartiecake · 02/05/2021 08:39

Do you have children OP? If so do they get to have these experiences? Like meals out, theatre trips etc?
I think you just say you are going to do all these lovely things without him if he is going to dislike it so much a make a scene.
You go and enjoy yourself. He sounds like a complete inverted snob.
As a child we had no money so the nice things you are talking about were not a part of my childhood either but I am determined that they will be a regular part of my kids childhoods. I want more for my kids and also for me and DH than my parents could have.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 02/05/2021 08:41

Oh god. What a miserable twat he sounds.

I couldn't be doing with it. Hates your family, but he's out people he deems 'worthy'.

Why does he get to say who is acceptable and who is not.

I'd seriously be considering whether I wanted to spend another 20 years of my life putting up with this shit.

Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 08:43

He doesn’t sound lovely, he sounds like a jealous judgemental idiot who hates anyone who isn’t like him. Have your parents done anything apart from buy theatre tickets? Have they spoken down to him?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/05/2021 08:44

I think your expectations are unrealistic. Nobody should feel obligated to spend time and make nice with people they don't like.

If you're seeing friends/family he doesn't get on with, leave him at home. No brainer surely?

PoppityPop · 02/05/2021 08:45

I’m with everyone else OP. He sounds like a selfish inverted snob. Have you told him how you feel?

Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 08:48

@jacspatoutthecat also Op why is his comfort paramount? Maybe your parents would be uncomfortable there. Why does his comfort trump everyone else’s!? He sounds very selfish and just not nice. Op what have you been thinking all these years!?

Wabe · 02/05/2021 08:48

These no excuse for that kind of chippy, intolerant boorishness. I grew up in a very poor environment — overcrowded house, illiterate parents, could tell where we were in the week by what and how much there was to eat — and only really discovered at university that there were people who grew up travelling and going to the theatre and had parents who were surgeons and documentary makers. Did I refuse to mix with them and nurse the chip on my shoulder? No.

Fireflygal · 02/05/2021 08:49

Does he stop you from socialising with people or just isn't keen to go out with you?

Ex liked to socialise with superficial, shallow, status conscious people and I really didn't enjoy it. Is there any truth in his assessment of people?
Is he generally introverted or social with people he decides he likes?

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2021 08:56

OP, you need to ask yourself: Does being with DH make me a better person? Does this marriage increase my happiness?

This really resonated with me.

My DH has flaws as we al do but his default position is kindness and compassion. He has taught me to be kinder day to day and I’m really grateful to him for it.

Nith · 02/05/2021 08:57

Well, he's the snob, isn't he? In his book, nything he doesn't enjoy isn't worth doing, and people who do enjoy those things can't be genuine. Tell him to grow up and try being open-minded.

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2021 08:59

He doesn’t sound lovely
He sounds like a judgemental knob

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread