AIBU to expect my DH to be tolerant of my friends and family??

[jacspatoutthecat]

AIBU to think you have to tolerate all different types of people if your spouse has friends and family that are different to how you are ? For context I was brought up in a relatively well off family and I had a good childhood my DH had an ok childhood but has very few memories because as a family they didn't do much but he was loved and well cared for. Dh and I have been together for 16 yrs and he hates my family he thinks they are snobs but they like nice things and they have the money to afford it. My Dh is very very money savvy so will never spend out on anything and gets cross seeing people spend their money on what he classes as wastage ie nice wine, gois food, theatre tickets and nice clothes- all the stuff I had growing up (minus the wine!) but he didn't have. I am relatively well travelled have been to uni and lived in 8 different towns I have had 10 different jobs and lived with friends in notting hill and a shared house in Brixton! I know lawyers and doctors bit also people living on the bread line. He has lived in the same town all his life and had the same job since he was 18. He bought a house at 21 -amazivg achievement. He is such a lovely man and is so kind and caring but only to what he classes normal people he will not tolerate snobbery which he says is showing off or slovenly behaviour either. Last year was great for him because mixing was forbidden but now we can get out and about a bit more if he is with me I have to he so careful who we mix with unless I want to start an argument. He is just not tolerant of anyone that is different to him and it is getting worse the older he gets. It is making me realise how different we are but as a person he is so lovely and kind he does so much for our elderly neighbours but he will not go or do anything with any of my friends or family because they are all so different to him.

Whatever 'class' people are.... Its VERY unclassy to draw attention negatively (and rudely) to difference....

With respect, I think the OPs brother did that first by ostentatiously ordering two bottles champagne at a regular lunch out. It’s called condescension. I think too the DH still drank it, he just complained afterwards to the OP about snobbery. I’m sorry, but I do think for that incident, the DH has a fair point.

With respect, I think the OPs brother did that first by ostentatiously ordering two bottles champagne at a regular lunch out. It’s called condescension. I think too the DH still drank it, he just complained afterwards to the OP about snobbery. I’m sorry, but I do think for that incident, the DH has a fair point.

I disagree wholeheartedly. What is wrong with OP's brother ordering the bottles he LIKES and enjoys, and sharing that with others? Accusing the brother of being condescending says more about you than OP's brother.

@GreenDahlia
What is wrong with OP's brother ordering the bottles he LIKES and enjoys, and sharing that with others?

• first it is expensive champagne which is associated with upper classes and not normally drunk at a bog standard lunch out. So it’s clearly a snub directed at OPs husband who is the odd fish.
• second, it’s rude to assume that because you are paying, then you get to decide what drink everyone is having.

I’m not sure why this is hard to grasp.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@GreenDahlia
What is wrong with OP's brother ordering the bottles he LIKES and enjoys, and sharing that with others?

• first it is expensive champagne which is associated with upper classes and not normally drunk at a bog standard lunch out. So it’s clearly a snub directed at OPs husband who is the odd fish.
• second, it’s rude to assume that because you are paying, then you get to decide what drink everyone is having.

I’m not sure why this is hard to grasp.[/quote]

But OP's brother paid for it..

what is so hard to grasp about the generosity of this?

@PlanDeRaccordement am I missing something obvious? How do we know about the champagne incident? There’s nothing in their op?

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@GreenDahlia
What is wrong with OP's brother ordering the bottles he LIKES and enjoys, and sharing that with others?

• first it is expensive champagne which is associated with upper classes and not normally drunk at a bog standard lunch out. So it’s clearly a snub directed at OPs husband who is the odd fish.
• second, it’s rude to assume that because you are paying, then you get to decide what drink everyone is having.

I’m not sure why this is hard to grasp.[/quote]

Plus....

nobody held OP's husband down and forced him to drink such an offensive drink...

He drank it then complained.

You just aren’t seeing it. It’s a type of microaggression to call attention to your higher class in front of someone from a lower class by acting ostentatiously and with condescension. Ordering two bottles of expensive champagne at a regular lunch with nothing to celebrate is just that. It is being too generous for the circumstance and doing it publicly and showily in such a way that the lower class recipient cannot refuse.

[quote Allwokedup]@PlanDeRaccordement am I missing something obvious? How do we know about the champagne incident? There’s nothing in their op?[/quote]
The OP did a name change to @storminateacup74 and posted this additional information in the thread as an example of what she means:

“He thinks they are showing off in front of him, he has a real chip on his shoulder about it. He understands that they are my family but he is no longer willing to mix with them until they stop showing off. For example we went to a nice restaurant for lunch yesterday and my brother ordered some really lovely champagne not too show off because that is what him and his wife like and my parents too , he ordered 2 bottles for me and my DH to have too. It was expensive but it isn't DH's money so just enjoy being wined and dined. He does so much for other people - he is being a real rock to a friends husband who is going through cancer treatment at the moment and he looks after our elderly neighbours garden and takes them out for a drive but I have realised all these people are "his" type of people - he hates me saying that I can be tolerant of people as I have met lots of different types of people through my experiences, he says I just don't see the snobbery. In his eyes anything that costs money and people that spend it is snobbery and showing off.”

@PlanDeRaccordement

You just aren’t seeing it. It’s a type of microaggression to call attention to your higher class in front of someone from a lower class by acting ostentatiously and with condescension. Ordering two bottles of expensive champagne at a regular lunch with nothing to celebrate is just that. It is being too generous for the circumstance and doing it publicly and showily in such a way that the lower class recipient cannot refuse.

Crikey

The Chip on your shoulder is evident 😂

The OPs family probably expected her DH to be suitably and publicly grateful for their amazing generosity in buying bottles of champagne for him and his wife since he could never afford that himself! Sorry but that is patronising classism.

@PlanDeRaccordement

The OPs family probably expected her DH to be suitably and publicly grateful for their amazing generosity in buying bottles of champagne for him and his wife since he could never afford that himself! Sorry but that is patronising classism.

Now you're just being unreasonably nasty.

@GreenDahlia
I’m being nasty? This from a poster who is engaging in personal attacks on me with “chip on shoulder” comments.

No, I’m calling classism when I see it. Not going to apologise for that.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@GreenDahlia
I’m being nasty? This from a poster who is engaging in personal attacks on me with “chip on shoulder” comments.

No, I’m calling classism when I see it. Not going to apologise for that.[/quote]

still being nasty

For clarification my DB ordered 2 bottles of champagne between 6 adults. It was the first meal out in over a year due to covid and within that last year we had missed my SIL's 40th and my dads 70th so that is why he bought champagne. My DB however did just presume that we would all drink the champagne he didn't ask my DH however I am 99% sure this wasn't done to wind my DH up it was just done to celebrate 2 lockdown birthdays.

@storminateacup74 after reading some of your other posts your husband sounds even worse. He wants your parents to contribute financially to your kids activities? You say he hates you SEN child? Wont miss football for family time? You say he hates your family. Op he is not a nice man.

I think we all agree you need to kick him out. Simple answer.

@PlanDeRaccordement

You just aren’t seeing it. It’s a type of microaggression to call attention to your higher class in front of someone from a lower class by acting ostentatiously and with condescension. Ordering two bottles of expensive champagne at a regular lunch with nothing to celebrate is just that. It is being too generous for the circumstance and doing it publicly and showily in such a way that the lower class recipient cannot refuse.

@PlanDeRaccordement err maybe they felt like having champagne with a nice lunch. No doubt one of the first family lunches post lockdown - cause for celebration. When I saw my parents yesterday I brought a mini bottle of Moët for us to share. Didn’t realise that I was carrying out an ‘act of micro aggression’ 😂😂

Who thinks @PlanDeRaccordement s @storminateacup74’s DH?

Family meals out have been impossible, of course it’s an occasion for champagne - and beer, and anything they like. So wonderful to get together again!

Storm, he’s being an unreasonable, petty , insecure fun-sponge. He clearly believes you married down and he resents your family and friends as a result. His insecurities are his to resolve, not yours.

Do you actually know these people irl, @PlanDeRaccordement? Only you seem supremely certain of the thoughts, intentions and perceptions of all involved

Anyone who ever acted like I couldn’t order the drinks I wanted in case it hurt his sesnsibilties, would not be seeing me again.

@TiltTopTable

Abuse? Calm down dear and stop being so hysterical!

This bitterness must be exhausting for him. If he's been this way for long then I don't know what the solution is really.

Gosh, I've read your other thread and this is just another symptom of his awfulness, isn't it.

I'm so sorry.

He doesn’t sound lovely
He sounds like a judgemental knob

This.

@PlanDeRaccordement

The OPs family probably expected her DH to be suitably and publicly grateful for their amazing generosity in buying bottles of champagne for him and his wife since he could never afford that himself! Sorry but that is patronising classism.

God it must be exhausting being you @PlanDeRaccordement maybe they didn’t expect anything off the DH but that he would enjoy the family reunion, chill out and accept a nice gesture from his BIL!