AIBU to expect my DH to be tolerant of my friends and family??

[jacspatoutthecat]

AIBU to think you have to tolerate all different types of people if your spouse has friends and family that are different to how you are ? For context I was brought up in a relatively well off family and I had a good childhood my DH had an ok childhood but has very few memories because as a family they didn't do much but he was loved and well cared for. Dh and I have been together for 16 yrs and he hates my family he thinks they are snobs but they like nice things and they have the money to afford it. My Dh is very very money savvy so will never spend out on anything and gets cross seeing people spend their money on what he classes as wastage ie nice wine, gois food, theatre tickets and nice clothes- all the stuff I had growing up (minus the wine!) but he didn't have. I am relatively well travelled have been to uni and lived in 8 different towns I have had 10 different jobs and lived with friends in notting hill and a shared house in Brixton! I know lawyers and doctors bit also people living on the bread line. He has lived in the same town all his life and had the same job since he was 18. He bought a house at 21 -amazivg achievement. He is such a lovely man and is so kind and caring but only to what he classes normal people he will not tolerate snobbery which he says is showing off or slovenly behaviour either. Last year was great for him because mixing was forbidden but now we can get out and about a bit more if he is with me I have to he so careful who we mix with unless I want to start an argument. He is just not tolerant of anyone that is different to him and it is getting worse the older he gets. It is making me realise how different we are but as a person he is so lovely and kind he does so much for our elderly neighbours but he will not go or do anything with any of my friends or family because they are all so different to him.

I have to be so careful who we mix with unless I want to start an argument.

My ExH was like this. By the time I realised what was going on I had no friends left. It's controlling and a tactic used to get you isolated. He's not lovely at all!

He’s not lovely. He’s parsimonious and an inverse snob.

My husband has been somewhat similar to yours in the sense that growing up he was never taken anywhere, his family never ever ate out, never went on holidays, they wouldn't facilitate hobbies or any sort of extra curricular activities and he also has been in the same industry since leaving school.

He doesn't outright refuse to go to "fancy" restaurants etc. but he's visibly uncomfortable in such settings, he rushes as fast as he can so we can leave and it ruins it for me. His family were actually much wealthier than mine growing up but they were tight and mine were frivolous

It is very annoying but I think it's insecurity not snobbery. I'd try to discuss it and make him aware of the root cause and ask if he'd be willing to compromise and meet your halfway. Otherwise you'll have to either accept you're incompatible and move on or just live with it and do what I do which is leave the DC with him and go out with my friends/family who enjoy similar things to me. He actually doesn't mind this at all and is happy to stay at home in his bubble and I'm happier he's not there rushing me and spoiling the evening. Not ideal as in previous relationships I loved going out with my SO but it is what it is.

I think it stems from insecurity. He doesn't know what wine to drink or what to see at the theatre and thinks people will look down on him for it. Which is nonsense really, no one is looking.
I'm afraid I'd have to tell him to pack it in.

He doesn’t sound lovely! He sounds intolerant and rude

Absolutely. You get quite a lot of people like this: anyone who does something they don’t do or don’t like is “weird”. If it costs more than they can afford then they’re “snobby”. It’s just very insular and narrow minded.

What does your family think about him, out of interest.....? Or have they been too polite to express an opinion?

I think it's called reverse snobbery, I know a few people like this and must say they are almost all men, they haven't experienced the wider world and are very much small town, their own small town.

One of my brothers is like this, at his wife's insistence they moved 5 miles away from where he was brought up, you'd have thought he'd moved to India, the drama around it, then he found a pub that sold Stella and a Chinese takeout and he settled in.

@TiltTopTable

Snobbery isn't enjoying good food, travel etc. Snobbery is looking down on others and considering them inferior - which is exactly what your DH does. He sounds like a classic controller. This is abuse. You deserve better.

This is exactly what it is...

A good pal's ex was like this.... It was exhausting, abusive.... In the end she was constantly on edge at his latest outburst...as someone be thought as middle class was doing something he didn't 'believe' in🤣..... The list included... Reading, visiting theatres, museums, drinking wine, talking about anything that wasn't family or football....

In the end her life shrunk so much... She left... But it utterly destroyed her confidence...

@Temp023

DH and I have nice things because we have worked hard and earned them. Obviously there has been some luck involved, but we never stopped grafting, for qualifications, for promotions and now we have the things we want.. and we are still working at interesting, responsible jobs that we love. We do not object to paying taxes, we give to charity.

OP, are your family in the same situation? What does your DH genuinely think they should do?

He thinks they are showing off in front of him, he has a real chip on his shoulder about it. He understands that they are my family but he is no longer willing to mix with them until they stop showing off. For example we went to a nice restaurant for lunch yesterday and my brother ordered some really lovely champagne not too show off because that is what him and his wife like and my parents too , he ordered 2 bottles for me and my DH to have too. It was expensive but it isn't DH's money so just enjoy being wined and dined. He does so much for other people - he is being a real rock to a friends husband who is going through cancer treatment at the moment and he looks after our elderly neighbours garden and takes them out for a drive but I have realised all these people are "his" type of people - he hates me saying that I can be tolerant of people as I have met lots of different types of people through my experiences, he says I just don't see the snobbery. In his eyes anything that costs money and people that spend it is snobbery and showing off.

You’ve had a name change fail. I decided to look at your posting history.

You aren’t happy. He’s not nice. Your children aren’t happy.

Nothing will improve until you leave him.

Yeah this is a relationship that should never have gone beyond one date or a quick shag. Doesn’t sound like he brings anything to your life, it’s like having a big weight tied around your ankle

He sounds controlling and nasty. Intolerant and trying to keep you away from your friends and family.

It would be interesting to hear your DH's side of this story eg if he said .. "My DW grew up with money, but we can't afford that lifestyle. I am keen to live within our means. I suggested a simple meal at a local restaurant, but they all looked down their noses and insisted in going somewhere fancy. Then they ordered 2 bottles of expensive champagne, when I would have been happy with a beer"

He’s got a massive chip on his shoulder. Yuck.

@storminateacup74 are you the OP?

[quote Howshouldibehave]@storminateacup74 are you the OP?[/quote]
Yes. Sorry I was on my phone originally but swapped to the PC as the battery died and haven't mumsnetted on the PC for ages so still had my old usersname.

You'll never change him.You might have had a chance 20 years ago but it's too late now. Is this the joyless future you want? There's three in your marriage - you, him and the massive chip on his shoulder. What happens when your children grow up and god forbid, want gap years and university and travel and professional jobs and generally get above what he considers to be their god-given station in life?

@BlueVelvetStars

He sounds insufferable jealous arrogant snidey rude and judgemental.

He's a horrid bitter twisted cretin that resents his own upbringing and holds everyone else in contempt as a result.

Anyone treating my kind generous relatives like this.. and for all these years.. would have been drop kicked out my life years ago.

I feel you have allowed this beast room to grow. 🌸

He sounds like a very controlling man.

You sound like a very nervous uptight woman because of him.

The one thing he isn't is nice.

Reach out to your family for support.

Why are you still with him is the real question.

So would he prefer it if people normally drink expensive champagne but when they know he is coming round they bring out the cheap stuff?

To most people they would feel extremely disrespectful and like that was being snobby. Ie normally we drink quality alcohol but someone like you wouldn’t appreciate it so we won’t waste it on you! How can they win?!

From your updates he’s even more insufferable. He sounds like he wants to control what everyone around him does, and everyone must live to his concept of how things should be.

Do your family unintentionally disrespect him by steam rollering him into their preferred activities?

If the answer is yes, I can understand why he might feel resentful, uncomfortable and controlled. That might present as judgement of them. They should be prepared to go to the Toby Carvery with enthusiasm and good manners sometimes. If they don't play nicely it's not necessarily his fault.

If he has a chip on his shoulder and burning resentment no matter what they do, then he's the one without respect and that disrespects you. He needs to get over himself and think about the position this places you in. And hold his tongue if he feels inclined to criticise people you care about.

@jacspatoutthecat

It has got worse over the years he never used to be this bad. The older he gets the less tolerant he is of people generally.

Sorry. He sounds horrible.

Does this impact on who you see and what you do?

Somewhen in the relationship, your family and/or friends must have made it clear to him that you married down by being with him. I think his intolerance stems from the insecurity and discomfort around people of a different class from him. So that’s why certain of your friends, he can get along with because they are the same class. But as you and your family, are different class and because you are a mixed class relationship, both him and them will have friction in their interactions and less tolerance for each other.

I do think he has a point about your family, showing off or rubbing his nose in the class difference in regards to the champagne lunch you mentioned. No matter what class you are, it is unusual to order two bottles of expensive champagne to drink with lunch for no particular reason. Usually people order champagne when celebrating something....but not because “hey it’s lunchtime and we are at a restaurant” I think their “oh we just like nice wine” is disingenuous because they did not order a nice wine that you drink under normal circumstances at a regular luncheon, did they? No, they ordered expensive champagne and two bottles of it, so your DH would be obliged to drink some. If they had not been doing this jab, they’d have ordered a regular accompanying wine by the glass or a bottle to share between themselves.

Everytime your family does something like that, they are sending a message to him that they represent the lifestyle you grew up with and what a man of your own class would be doing for you. It’s to make him feel a fish out of water and not good enough for you.

OP you sound lovely and very tolerant... Im sad that you have been caught in this very long standing situ 🌸

Is he northern?

I am from a very working class background and enjoy all these things, variety is the spice of life.

By money savvy do you mean tight?

Whatever 'class' people are.... Its VERY unclassy to draw attention negatively (and rudely) to difference....

If someone is kind enough to buy a drink, you thank them rather than behave like a petulant child...

I have a foot in both camps, I feel equally at home in very working class and very upper middle class environments...

Some of the most working class folk I know would NEVER behave like this... Anywhere.